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Original poster

How do I get over strong feelings for someone I have to see most days

86 replies

Blossom4538 · 27/05/2022 23:54

…and adore, but I’m married and it’s totally inappropriate.

I felt they had feelings for me too, but are trying to distance themselves a little now.

I have huge attraction and deep emotional attachment, for various reasons and it’s driving me mad. I feel awful

OP posts:
SenoraAveiro · 31/05/2022 20:29

Also I'm not at 'aroused by sitting near' stage 😆

Ropesdope · 31/05/2022 20:36

Your crush might be though!

FallenFigs · 31/05/2022 21:39

So. There are two women at work who are very close. Share lifts, spend time together outside work etc. People just acknowledge they are close, and that’s that.

And yet. Me and work friend who is opposite gender. We are close. And it feels wrong, like it would be commented on etc. in fact it probably is being commented on. Simply because he is male. Or, I wonder if it’s because people see that in other contexts we could have been together.

I have other male friends. I exchange messages with friends DH’s on this, that, the other. We meet for coffee. None of that is commented on or remotely unusual. In same way as I am perfectly happy with my DH doing same.

And yet. I know I am v attached to him. What is it about the attraction switch getting flicked all of a sudden? And how do I turn it back the other way? I really don’t think I am prepared to cut the friendship. I do genuinely think that we support each other at work in a way that makes us both better. Partly competitive, partly to impress the other.

Rambling a tad.

MadameFantabulosa · 31/05/2022 21:44

@FallenFigs it’s lovely. We FaceTimed today - largely work but once we’d done the work stuff, just had a good chat about everything. There’s still flirting, and still a frisson, but I’m quite sure neither of us would do anything about it. Last time I saw him, we had a lovely evening, said goodbye with a hug, but no urge to ram our tongues down each other’s throats. We’ve arranged to go to a concert next time I’m back in London, and he’s going to ask some mutual friends if they want to join us.

screwcovid · 31/05/2022 22:11

Blossom4538 · 28/05/2022 15:45

Thank you, a lot of great advice here!

My H is great, we have a lot of stress in our lives though. We haven’t had sex in a looong time, years. I have always had a higher sex drive and hormones are raging - likely peri-menopausal.

I am likely to be in contact with this person for a long time, that can’t change.

We had a meeting a short while ago, where the tension was palpable. He blushed the whole time, as did I, lots of deep eye contact. Tried to remain professional and it’s been fine since, slightly awkward and I’d say we avoid eye contact a little now!

Its complicated, the reason why and a little outing, but I’d say due to circumstances I’ve developed an emotional attachment.

H has started to irritate me more, life is a little rubbish recently, but I can’t imagine being single again and realistically even being with this person. It’s just hard on a daily basis and making me emotional and of course question how things have turned out and my marriage.

Going through the same thing I am 48 he is 31 ... both either married or in a relationship with 2 young children each .., the thing is we have slept together and speak every day it is so so hard as feelings are becoming intense now .. Not been Happy with my husband for 6 years and it is killing me

SenoraAveiro · 02/06/2022 08:07

Yikes @screwcovid I think if you're not happy in your marriage you need to address that away from this guy.

Your marriage and your potential relationship with him are two separate things to consider.

MuchoMistrust · 02/06/2022 08:26

Blossom4538 · 28/05/2022 15:45

Thank you, a lot of great advice here!

My H is great, we have a lot of stress in our lives though. We haven’t had sex in a looong time, years. I have always had a higher sex drive and hormones are raging - likely peri-menopausal.

I am likely to be in contact with this person for a long time, that can’t change.

We had a meeting a short while ago, where the tension was palpable. He blushed the whole time, as did I, lots of deep eye contact. Tried to remain professional and it’s been fine since, slightly awkward and I’d say we avoid eye contact a little now!

Its complicated, the reason why and a little outing, but I’d say due to circumstances I’ve developed an emotional attachment.

H has started to irritate me more, life is a little rubbish recently, but I can’t imagine being single again and realistically even being with this person. It’s just hard on a daily basis and making me emotional and of course question how things have turned out and my marriage.

If your sex life is dead and has been for years then it's not surprising you're attracted to someone else. I imagine you would fancy anyone you work with in such close proximity if that part of you marriage is dead.

Work on repairing your marriage before you do something you regret.

screwcovid · 02/06/2022 08:28

SenoraAveiro · 02/06/2022 08:07

Yikes @screwcovid I think if you're not happy in your marriage you need to address that away from this guy.

Your marriage and your potential relationship with him are two separate things to consider.

I know got myself in a mess it is lust with the other guy but I have lost respect for my husband who just sits and the sofa watching me to everything whilst working full time and never changes

5128gap · 02/06/2022 08:37

The problem is, each perpetuates the other. The more feelings for the other guy grow, the worse the H seems. Its partly the unfavourable comparison, but there also tends to be an element of looking for faults or magnifying existing ones as it justifies the other feelings. I think its very difficult to examine a marriage in clear sight with this sort of thing going on. Either it adds the extra that the marriage lacks and so makes the marriage tolerable, or it magnifies problems in the marriage that may not have been too much of an issue before. I think its dangerous to try to draw conclusions about marriage without at least first distancing from the other situation.

screwcovid · 02/06/2022 08:39

5128gap · 02/06/2022 08:37

The problem is, each perpetuates the other. The more feelings for the other guy grow, the worse the H seems. Its partly the unfavourable comparison, but there also tends to be an element of looking for faults or magnifying existing ones as it justifies the other feelings. I think its very difficult to examine a marriage in clear sight with this sort of thing going on. Either it adds the extra that the marriage lacks and so makes the marriage tolerable, or it magnifies problems in the marriage that may not have been too much of an issue before. I think its dangerous to try to draw conclusions about marriage without at least first distancing from the other situation.

I do agree but also I have felt like this a long time even before the other guy .... but you are right ... I don't want to be with the other guy I want to be single it is all very confusing

Butterfly44 · 02/06/2022 16:54

Great thread. I've been here and recognise so much. It's definitely the attention one gives and character of the person that sways someone from not noticing to noticing and then having these crush feelings!

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