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Original poster

How do I get over strong feelings for someone I have to see most days

86 replies

Blossom4538 · 27/05/2022 23:54

…and adore, but I’m married and it’s totally inappropriate.

I felt they had feelings for me too, but are trying to distance themselves a little now.

I have huge attraction and deep emotional attachment, for various reasons and it’s driving me mad. I feel awful

OP posts:
suddenshock · 30/05/2022 09:08

I'm in the same situation. Both married, he's my boss. When I think about it logically, it's just utterly ridiculous. I like my DH far more as a person, my DH is far more attractive and we have a deep marriage.

I think it's the excitement of new attention and adoration. I find it difficult to resist sometimes because my boss is quite obviously very into me, so much so that others are noticing. I feel like a teenager again. I'm taking a step back, deleting non-work mobile number, keeping myself busy, not attending work drinks at the mo. Nothing good could come out of it. However I keep replaying things he's said to me in my mind...

As everyone says, time is a great healer and I believe these crushes will pass. Distraction meanwhile is great.

5128gap · 30/05/2022 10:20

I think it can also help to crystallise things to imagine you get exactly what you wish for and then some, and trade your current life for that person. Live with them full time, lose your current partner and family set up for good. Generally that gives perspective. If it doesn't, you're in a bit more trouble.

SenoraAveiro · 30/05/2022 10:41

@suddenshock that's all very familiar.

I don't want my life to change, I love my husband, my marriage, and our life. And really this crush isn't bringing me much fun, just stress that I'm acting like a dick at work 😁

Which is all fine until we're in convo and the eye contact is, I worry, very revealing.

TTSP TTSP TTSP TTSP TTSP on repeat...

suddenshock · 30/05/2022 11:02

@SenoraAveiro I completely get you. It actually hurts quite a bit sometimes doesn't it? When the crush originally started it was a bit of excitement at work, but now I really need to just get over it before something bad happens. Mine also intensified over an out of work drinks situation too... makes it so much harder when you know they're really interested in you.

I know for a fact that if I made a move it would easily start an affair. That's definitely something that should put me off him - he's so ready to be unfaithful to his wife. I would move jobs if I hadn't worked so hard to get here and I love work so much!

suddenshock · 30/05/2022 11:04

5128gap · 30/05/2022 10:20

I think it can also help to crystallise things to imagine you get exactly what you wish for and then some, and trade your current life for that person. Live with them full time, lose your current partner and family set up for good. Generally that gives perspective. If it doesn't, you're in a bit more trouble.

This is actually very helpful, thank you

SenoraAveiro · 30/05/2022 11:43

That's it @suddenshock really it made me appreciate DH a bit more too, as he would literally NEVER get pissed and handsy with someone he shouldn't.

suddenshock · 30/05/2022 11:54

@SenoraAveiro same with my DH... he would never behave that way. Which makes it all the more ridiculous doesn't it!!

SenoraAveiro · 30/05/2022 11:55

Totally ridiculous!!

5128gap · 30/05/2022 13:01

SenoraAveiro · 30/05/2022 11:43

That's it @suddenshock really it made me appreciate DH a bit more too, as he would literally NEVER get pissed and handsy with someone he shouldn't.

Yup. That's it exactly. These flirty charmers who gain our attention, make us feel good about ourselves are all very well when we're the object of their attention. Imagine actually sharing a life with him, and knowing odds on, he'd be acting like that with someone else at work.

reesewithoutaspoon · 30/05/2022 13:02

At least you have recognised it for what it is. A crush.. It might be due to hormones or problems within your marriage, but it wouldn't fix them, just throw a whole ton of shit into the mix to complicate matters.

It's bloody hard to do though because emotions are strong and pervasive. But you know it will pass, time and distance can help that. Attraction can often be a chemical thing, Your body is releasing dopamine and adrenaline and they are pretty addictive feel-good chemicals. and it's not surprising that you will seek these out, you need to go cold turkey because realistically you don't know this man apart from the front he puts on for work.

The obvious things to do are
Move jobs, is not possible for most people, so instead limit any contact, no outside work drinks or social occasions where inhibitions can get lowered, no conferences away, no engineering it to work on the same projects, strictly professional contact only, no flirting or banter.no finding excuses to talk with them.

Good luck.

SenoraAveiro · 30/05/2022 13:23

I have been very worklike in all conversations today. It's helping.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2022 13:32

I think the problem is that the 'do they like me/do they fancy me' stage is often quite intoxicating , especially when the real world gets a bit Groundhog Day- and these crushes/infatuations rarely involve a dose of reality like bin days/sick relatives/unpaid bills etc, etc- they are like the initial days of meeting your partner- even more hilighted if your partner has turned into someone you don't quite feel the same about. Happens to both sexes and even those in decent marriages that just feel a bit dull. Best if you can just compartmentalise it in your head as 'a nice lift' and keep it very professional- no private texting, in jokes, etc. my H wrote his infatuation/crush down and never threw it away- years later I found it all, reams of it and I have never felt the same- don't be a twat like him.

SenoraAveiro · 30/05/2022 13:44

Wow, that must have been really hurtful to read.

FallenFigs · 30/05/2022 17:42

This thread is actually quite comforting to read. I am in a similar situation. Both married. It is definitely mutual but he also holds a very clear line that will not be crossed.

I agree with PP who said for some it’s very difficult to go with the practical tips of distance etc. Having reached middle-age I’ve come to terms with the fact that im not massively likeable. I do have friends but I’m fairly crap at that most of the time and have to work hard.

so, to find a ‘natural’ connection with someone is rare for me and therefore quite hard to turn down or walk away from. We’re not long on this earth and I don’t like the idea of not being on his life or knowing how he is after we have had a genuine connection. The fact that he is the opposite gender is the main issues. That, and peri-menopausal hormones.

As others have said, it’s not black and white. He and I are quite similar in a way that I think we find reassuring - a degree of social awkwardness.

For me, marriage is not great and I know getting attached to another is not great,
but it’s chicken and egg. There is certainly part of me that feels validated by the connection with this other, and therefore more able to face the thought of life after marriage.

The naive/optimistic part of me hopes we can remain friends when one of us eventually moves on.

@Crikeyalmighty that is tough.

FallenFigs · 30/05/2022 18:03

@MadameFantabulosa how is it when you are back in touch?

in my head, that’s the aim.

Don’t work together/see
each other everyday/get distracted but still be in one another’s lives, just in a watered down way.

But I also fear I’ve reached the adoration stage. Gulp.

SenoraAveiro · 30/05/2022 18:32

Wow @FallenFigs I really relate to so much of what you say.

I don't think I'm hugely likeable either, but in this workplace I seem to land well, and it feels so much like home that I think we both have sunk into this a little without really noticing, until we were flung together sort of unexpectedly.

Middle age is an absolute bitch it seems, and my hormones are wild! Although DH is reaping the benefits here, I also have to recognise that some of this is being fuelled by someone looking at me anew.

I've lost a lot of weight in the last few years, and DH, who has loved me at every size, always says he loves me and not my silhouette. But now that I'm feeling quite hot, I do think...it would also be great to be desired in a 'let's just fuck' way.

But that's very cheeky when I know absolutely how great he is, and how he's never ever let me down. We're happier than most couples I know, and I won't be making any moves to jeopardise that. While wishing I could forget for just one night.

SenoraAveiro · 31/05/2022 12:18

FFS. I was doing so much better. Stupid WhatsApp. Urgh. I am such a loser!!

Anyone else feel like banging their stupid head on their desk with me?

flashheartsmoustache · 31/05/2022 16:52

@SenoraAveiro Your situation is eerily similar to mine!!!
What's up with WhatsApp? What's happened?

You haven't done what I do and send a msg (generally work related but sometimes about a non-work conversation we've had...I know, I know) and then wait for ages for a reply, then get that ridiculous frisson when you eventually get a reply or see he's typing?

I hate myself for it and will join you in the head-banging for sure...

rnsaslkih · 31/05/2022 16:55

Try to remember why you got married.

or think about separating from your dh

suddenshock · 31/05/2022 16:59

@SenoraAveiro oh no, what happened?

SenoraAveiro · 31/05/2022 16:59

Haha exactly that @flashheartsmoustache

I've got a grip again now.

Fuck me it's annoying. I'm 46, not bloody 16!

flashheartsmoustache · 31/05/2022 18:33

Oh, I hear you!!
And if he's read it and hasn't responded, it brings a whole new level of head banging.

Yup, I despair of myself too. I would roll my eyes at this behaviour from my teenagers. On the bright side, I totally sympathise with their raging hormones as that's what peri-menopausal me is suffering from too.

Ropesdope · 31/05/2022 20:01

@SenoraAveiro

Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was feeling the same about a women he works with, making that bit of extra effort before he goes in, hoping she notices how he looks, the lingering eye contact, working closely with her and maybe getting aroused when she sits near him or smiles at him. Him sending her a little “work related” message hoping that she replies to him so he can feel good again.

If you wouldn’t like it, then you need to kill it as that’s what you are doing to him.

SenoraAveiro · 31/05/2022 20:15

Yes, I'm well aware of all of these things.

Hawkins001 · 31/05/2022 20:27

All the best op