Page 2 | How do I get over strong feelings for someone I have to see most days

Blossom4538 · 2022-05-27T22:54:09+00:00

…and adore, but I’m married and it’s totally inappropriate. I felt they had feelings for me too, but are trying to distance themselves a little now. I have huge attraction and deep emotional attachment, for various reasons and it’s driving me mad. I feel awful

Original poster

Blossom4538 · 28/05/2022 19:21

I know, it’s not good is it. I guess our sex life has never been amazing, but ok.
However, we were so close and have been together a long time. We don’t really kiss either, just odd hug and peck! He is amazing though, but I feel I’m missing out and our lives are challenging with other things too. I feel quite sad.

@IncognitoAF do you find it quite stressful and all consuming? At first I was super happy but now quite worried and feel silly.
The person I’m talking about is also younger than me!

Do you think he has feelings/is attracted to you?

OP posts:

SuziSecondLaw · 28/05/2022 19:23

Why don't you discuss opening up your marriage?

SenoraAveiro · 28/05/2022 19:37

Yes that's exactly how I've felt. At first it was like it was all over me; my adrenaline has been running for weeks now. But now I realise I do feel a bit silly too; I don't think it's necessarily all him it's more what he represents. After all I worked with him for three years before this happened!

It was kickstarted by something we did together, we were away from home, in a fairly romantic place, drinks were had. It's hard to feel nothing in those circumstances but now I need to get back to real life.

SenoraAveiro · 28/05/2022 19:38

Oh and yes I suspect he has had his moments, but we are both happily married. We've talked about it and realised we were just mates being drunk.

I now need to remember that...

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 28/05/2022 19:39

Wow. This thread has really helped me get my thoughts into order! I’m single. Peri menopausal. Have been working with a chap for a year. As far as I know he is happily married. He is a bit flirty (me-too movement would slap him with a sexual harassment charge) but I’m sorry to say I find it slightly flattering and day-brightening! I look forward to getting in to work. He may have started popping into a spot of private me-time. I am gutted he’s about to move to a different department but thinking best thing really. At my age I am old enough to know better. I’m not a marriage wrecker. Even if he were up for it! For all I know he could be like this with all.

Basically, I have been warning myself to tread carefully. I will take the good advice on here. Which is - basically - pack it in!! You’re not imagining your feelings but you are capable of controlling yourself and best it be aware and nip this in the bud before it goes past the point of no return.

SenoraAveiro · 28/05/2022 19:39

Sorry this is Incognito, I flit between a few names.

SenoraAveiro · 28/05/2022 19:43

The peri menopausal thing is a fucking bitch isn't it.

Strawberriesaregreat · 28/05/2022 19:44

Is it a crush? You can't guarantee if you may move that it would be reciprocated and that would be worse. Imagine the look on your dhs face if you had an affair and he discovered it. How does that make you feel? Once you get that in your head it might help.

NamechangeFML · 28/05/2022 19:55

was going to say the same- is it not just a crush? Itll burn out - might even make you reignite with your DH?
I can have a spectacular crush every few years ..

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 28/05/2022 20:00

I'm in this situation too, but in my case I'm the one who's single and the object of my crush is my married boss. I would never act on it but it's so bloody hard. We're the same age, have eerily similar senses of humour, and the same taste in music and films. We get on so brilliantly and it feels like such a shame that we didn't meet 10 years ago, before he got married, because we would have made a good couple.

I hope he doesn't know how I feel, and I do try not to act differently with him than I do with any other colleague. I think the reason it's so hard is that I know him quite well and it's not just a lust-based thing - I didn't fancy him at all when we first met, but he's become more attractive to me as time has gone on. I tend to cope by staying professional at work and then allowing myself to daydream about him later. It'll probably fade eventually when nothing comes of it, it usually does, so my only advice really is to wait it out.

BiteSizePieces · 28/05/2022 22:44

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 28/05/2022 20:00

I'm in this situation too, but in my case I'm the one who's single and the object of my crush is my married boss. I would never act on it but it's so bloody hard. We're the same age, have eerily similar senses of humour, and the same taste in music and films. We get on so brilliantly and it feels like such a shame that we didn't meet 10 years ago, before he got married, because we would have made a good couple.

I hope he doesn't know how I feel, and I do try not to act differently with him than I do with any other colleague. I think the reason it's so hard is that I know him quite well and it's not just a lust-based thing - I didn't fancy him at all when we first met, but he's become more attractive to me as time has gone on. I tend to cope by staying professional at work and then allowing myself to daydream about him later. It'll probably fade eventually when nothing comes of it, it usually does, so my only advice really is to wait it out.

I’ve seen a few situations like this at work and at hobby groups. And it has been obvious when the single woman has a crush on a married man, and she becomes pitied, laughed at and sometimes socially excluded. It’s such a waste of the single woman’s emotional energy and limits her chance of connecting with someone available.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 28/05/2022 23:13

@BiteSizePieces Jesus that’s low. As you see from this thread it’s mainly not even single women on here sharing their experiences!!
To be honest - many women - of my age at least - are bloody happy and relieved being single! Do you not think we pity those married women, joined at the hip, can’t make a move without ‘hubs’.?? You prove that point - at your ‘hobby group’ together!! I can’t think of anything worse!! We are strong independent happy free to make our own decision women - that’s probably what sometimes makes us so appealing to married men!! We’re not longingly lusting after every man going. Chill mate.

BiteSizePieces · 28/05/2022 23:38

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 28/05/2022 23:13

@BiteSizePieces Jesus that’s low. As you see from this thread it’s mainly not even single women on here sharing their experiences!!
To be honest - many women - of my age at least - are bloody happy and relieved being single! Do you not think we pity those married women, joined at the hip, can’t make a move without ‘hubs’.?? You prove that point - at your ‘hobby group’ together!! I can’t think of anything worse!! We are strong independent happy free to make our own decision women - that’s probably what sometimes makes us so appealing to married men!! We’re not longingly lusting after every man going. Chill mate.

Where did it say I was at a hobby group with a partner?

BiteSizePieces · 28/05/2022 23:45

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 28/05/2022 23:13

@BiteSizePieces Jesus that’s low. As you see from this thread it’s mainly not even single women on here sharing their experiences!!
To be honest - many women - of my age at least - are bloody happy and relieved being single! Do you not think we pity those married women, joined at the hip, can’t make a move without ‘hubs’.?? You prove that point - at your ‘hobby group’ together!! I can’t think of anything worse!! We are strong independent happy free to make our own decision women - that’s probably what sometimes makes us so appealing to married men!! We’re not longingly lusting after every man going. Chill mate.

A good friend from, a hobby group was one of the woman with a crush. And noone told her she was being laughed at, then she overheard someone saying it. She was devastated and said she wished someone had told her how it looked.

Would the PP prefer an anonymous person on the internet say that it is a risk that it’s obvious? If not, then apologies to the PP whose post I commented on.

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/05/2022 07:21

@BiteSizePieces It was my post you commented on, and yes, it was fucking low. I assume you picked up on it because I'm single and you see women like me as a threat, on the verge of stealing someone's husband at any given moment. So you thought you'd try to make me feel pathetic and as if everyone's laughing at me, just in case I didn't already feel bad enough about the whole situation. But yes, do frame it as concern for me while you give me a good kicking 🙄

5128gap · 29/05/2022 09:42

BiteSizePieces · 28/05/2022 22:44

I’ve seen a few situations like this at work and at hobby groups. And it has been obvious when the single woman has a crush on a married man, and she becomes pitied, laughed at and sometimes socially excluded. It’s such a waste of the single woman’s emotional energy and limits her chance of connecting with someone available.

Show quote history

Maybe by the women who feel threatened by them, but typically not by the men.
While obviously some single women are attracted to married men, it's actually far fewer than their wives imagine, and far more likely for the men to be all over the single woman. It's a common ploy to then pretend the woman pursued them when they get caught out.
On the rare occasions when a single woman does make her attraction known the men are almost universally flattered by it. Men get far less attention than women and very few feel the negative things you've suggested on the rare occasions it does happen.

SuspiciousBanana · 29/05/2022 09:44

I think some people are just smug because they don’t know how awful these things feel to experience and have to keep entirely to yourself sometimes for years. It’s a strong human emotion, and trying to make someone who has NO intention of “making a move” feel even more like shit then they already do is just unkind.

5128gap · 29/05/2022 09:48

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/05/2022 07:21

@BiteSizePieces It was my post you commented on, and yes, it was fucking low. I assume you picked up on it because I'm single and you see women like me as a threat, on the verge of stealing someone's husband at any given moment. So you thought you'd try to make me feel pathetic and as if everyone's laughing at me, just in case I didn't already feel bad enough about the whole situation. But yes, do frame it as concern for me while you give me a good kicking 🙄

I can only imagine the poster is very inexperienced where men are concerned. Whether they want to act on it or not, few men aren't chuffed to bits at the idea of someone being attracted to them. It just suits their wives to see them as helpless in the face of some predatory female when in truth the attraction is often reciprocated and encouraged.

5128gap · 29/05/2022 10:00

BiteSizePieces · 28/05/2022 23:45

A good friend from, a hobby group was one of the woman with a crush. And noone told her she was being laughed at, then she overheard someone saying it. She was devastated and said she wished someone had told her how it looked.

Would the PP prefer an anonymous person on the internet say that it is a risk that it’s obvious? If not, then apologies to the PP whose post I commented on.

Show quote history

If it were my good friend I'd have told her myself. Strange to allow a good friend to be laughed at.
I'd also consider changing my circles as there seem to get some very cruel people in yours. Not once when someone has been attracted to me when it's not mutual would it have occurred to me to laugh about them. Its very unkind and I wouldn't want to know people like that.

HeartsAndClubs · 29/05/2022 10:06

I’ve been there but in my case I was single and the object of my feelings was engaged.

I absolutely distanced myself from him as much as possible, but I’d be lying if I sad that I didn’t hope that one day he’d come in and announce that he and his gf had split.

They didn’t, but I left the job to work somewhere else a few months later. Not because of him but for other reasons.

The worst of it was that friends of mine said it looked obvious that he had feelings for me too, and given he wasn’t actually married to this woman I should just go for it.

MadameFantabulosa · 29/05/2022 10:13

I took a job overseas to get away! We still FaceTime from time to time and meet up for drinks/dinner when I go back. The spark is very much still there but neither of us would act on it now (we did, briefly, when we worked together and took an immediate step back).

BiteSizePieces · 29/05/2022 10:49

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/05/2022 07:21

@BiteSizePieces It was my post you commented on, and yes, it was fucking low. I assume you picked up on it because I'm single and you see women like me as a threat, on the verge of stealing someone's husband at any given moment. So you thought you'd try to make me feel pathetic and as if everyone's laughing at me, just in case I didn't already feel bad enough about the whole situation. But yes, do frame it as concern for me while you give me a good kicking 🙄

I’m not laughing at you. And my intent was not to make you feel pathetic. I’m sorry if that is how it came across. I meant that it may well be obvious to others. My friend snapped out of her crush once she realised she was being gossiped about. I hadn’t realised she was being laughed at until she told me about a conversation she’d overheard. Nothing had been said to me as people knew I was her friend. If I had known she was being laughed at, I’d have told her very gently. I had realised she had a crush, as there were obvious signs.

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/05/2022 11:00

As "advice", it wasn't very constructive. My post said that I HOPED the object of my crush didn't know how I felt; your response was to say "he probably does, and so does everyone else, and they're all laughing at/feeling sorry for you". It's hard to see what I'm supposed to do with that other than stop interacting with him altogether, which will be a bit tricky since he's my boss.

I agree with a pp that, if you're hanging out with the sort of people who mock someone for having feelings, you could probably do with some new friends. As long as your friend wasn't actively trying to make a move on an unavailable man, surely she was worthy of a bit of compassion? It's utterly shit to have an crush and to not be in a position to pursue it, and you can't just switch it off; it would be so much worse if you were then despised by your peer group because of it.

BiteSizePieces · 29/05/2022 11:17

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/05/2022 11:00

As "advice", it wasn't very constructive. My post said that I HOPED the object of my crush didn't know how I felt; your response was to say "he probably does, and so does everyone else, and they're all laughing at/feeling sorry for you". It's hard to see what I'm supposed to do with that other than stop interacting with him altogether, which will be a bit tricky since he's my boss.

I agree with a pp that, if you're hanging out with the sort of people who mock someone for having feelings, you could probably do with some new friends. As long as your friend wasn't actively trying to make a move on an unavailable man, surely she was worthy of a bit of compassion? It's utterly shit to have an crush and to not be in a position to pursue it, and you can't just switch it off; it would be so much worse if you were then despised by your peer group because of it.

Then please accept my apologies.

Another poster said I should have told my friend (as they assumed I knew - even though I didn’t). Your reaction is exactly why people won’t tell someone.

”Hanging out with the sort of people” and “finding new friends” - the hobby groups I see often have a large number of people, many not actual friends with each other, and you don’t stop doing the hobby because a few might be gossips / not compassionate.

My friend snapped out of her crush when it was held up to the cold light of day and other’s scrutiny. She is still with the hobby group and has moved beyond it. So, my constructive advice would be to hold it up to the cold light of day - perhaps with a trusted friend. I hope you are able to find a solution that works for you

LaingsAcidTab · 29/05/2022 11:47

Wouldn't it be wonderful if life were black and white? If every situation where this happened was clearly down to a crush, a limerence?

Many of them are, and when they are, as other posters have said, it's then worth looking at what you are wanting from the situation, whether it be unfinished business with your past; a fear of ageing and death; something the other person is mirroring in you that you need to claim for yourself.

But some of them are not this. Sometimes we find people with whom we are more compatible, and with whom we would live a more fulfilling life. ("Happier" is not relevant, imo. "Happiness" and the search for it is overrated, imo.) When this happens, things become complicated. That's life.