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Original poster

Expectations of a marriage when disaster strikes

89 replies

Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 07:53

This is a genuine post on behalf of a friend!
Her father passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Her husband was on a flight, en route to a boys weekend away. He didn’t find out until he landed.
He didn’t know what to do for the best (should he stay or find a flight home). He decided to think this through with his friends in various bars and he continued to bombard his wife (my friend) with calls and messages about what he should do. He was very drunk due to the worry! It seemed it was all about him and his feelings with the real upset my friend was feeling to be ignored.
I’ve not “voiced my opinion” as yet ( it’s just not the right time obviously) but I think I would want any husband of mine to make every effort to get home and support his wife and daughter as soon as was possible?
I do have several nagging doubts about his commitment. Their lives seems to revolve around the ‘him’ time he says he needs.

I will be keeping things to myself unless I’m asked but I am interested to know if my thoughts that he should be making every single effort to get back asap, without question is so alien?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 27/05/2022 07:56

My husband wouldn't have left the airport, he'd have been on the next flight home. It was an unexpected death, and probably very traumatic for your friend.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/05/2022 07:57

I would expect my DH to head back as soon as he could get a flight.

if the death had been unexpected … for example my mum had dementia and spent years deteriorating … then I wouldn’t want him to come home.

LizzieSiddal · 27/05/2022 08:00

My DH wouldn’t have had to think about it. He’d have got the first flight home.

This man sounds like a selfish teenager, which is not very attractive.

Hoppinggreen · 27/05/2022 08:00

I actually wouldn’t have expected DH to come home, although I am sure he would have offered. If I didn’t need him for anything practical I could have coped for a weekend.
However, if a your friend did need her DH I appreciate it’s different

Discovereads · 27/05/2022 08:06

I too would not have expected him to come home as it is only a weekend away. There’s not much you can do the first few days after a death other let everyone know and arrange a funeral director. So it’s not like his help would be needed right away. I think like the friends DH he would have asked me what I wanted him to do and I would have said don’t worry see you at the end of the weekend. So I don’t understand why the friend didn’t respond back to her DH telling him what she wanted? Why did he have to ‘bombard’ her with calls and messages asking what he should do for hours on end? And still not get a response? Very odd.

Fireflygal · 27/05/2022 08:07

It would feel incongruent/disrespectful for him to party when his FIL had just died. It would also be lacking in empathy for his wife.

Surely he also had a relationship with his FIL so felt some loss and couldn't continue with his weekend. If someone is able to compartmentalise their feelings then that's a red flag.

MagicTurtle · 27/05/2022 08:07

Personally I would have told my husband not to come home (although I'm sure he'd have offered). I think I would need support over the coming weeks / months, rather than in the immediate aftermath. I could have done without the drunken phone calls though.

Ragwort · 27/05/2022 08:08

Everyone is different, when my DF died I really didn't want/need anyone else 'fussing' around, I wanted to process my thoughts, concentrate on my elderly DM ... practical help came later.

MolliciousIntent · 27/05/2022 08:10

I would have wanted DH to come home, and he would, without question. Not least because he loves my dad, and would be heartbroken if he died suddenly.

Also, I really don't get everyone who's saying there's no need for him to come home because there's nothing he needs to "do" - surely when something dreadful happens you want your spouse with you, not because they're required for practical tasks, but because you draw strength and comfort from their presence?

DreamingofItaly2023 · 27/05/2022 08:10

DH would have been on the first plane back.

RoyKentsChestHair · 27/05/2022 08:13

Those saying there’s nothing practical he could do if he came home…that’s not the point. It’s about being there for someone in a time of crisis, not helping to make funeral arrangements or clearing his house out. Of course you’d expect help with that stuff nearer the time, but in the immediate aftermath I imagine what she needed was a hug and shoulder to cry on from the man who’s supposed to love her more than anyone.

My XH wasn’t with me when my dad died as he was at home with the DCs but the minute I walked in the door he gave me the biggest bear hug and cried with me. That’s what a partner is for.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/05/2022 08:14

I think it completely depends on the relationship between your friend and her dad, and the dynamics of the marriage. Also how expensive the weekend away was, and was it for an occasion such as stag do (ugh), birthday, sporting event, or just a regular piss-up.

What did she want him to do? Did she tell him that? If she said "oh no DH, I'm fine, you carry on" then I would have found it annoying and patronising if he then decided to drop everything and come home. Unless they have the sort of dynamic where she's afraid to state her needs but expects him to know that she's lying and meet her needs and ignore her protests, and she will then subtly punish him for not reading her mind and meeting needs she didn't state. Which is fucking exhausting to live with. (Yes, obviously I'm talking from experience 😳)

Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 08:16

Thank you for those replies, yes everyone is different.
Just to clarify, my friend was in no fit state to think rationally and kept saying he should do what’s best. She has kids (some theirs and some just his) to juggle and other family and it was all just a very confusing, upsetting, stressful mess.
I wanted to yell at him to get home if it bothered him that much or just carry on with his weekend. I said nothing!

OP posts:
Discovereads · 27/05/2022 08:16

MolliciousIntent · 27/05/2022 08:10

I would have wanted DH to come home, and he would, without question. Not least because he loves my dad, and would be heartbroken if he died suddenly.

Also, I really don't get everyone who's saying there's no need for him to come home because there's nothing he needs to "do" - surely when something dreadful happens you want your spouse with you, not because they're required for practical tasks, but because you draw strength and comfort from their presence?

Everyone’s different. When my DM was murdered, I didn’t want to be around anyone at all. I wanted to be alone with my grief for the first few days. I love my DH and he loves me, but anyone hovering about trying to “comfort” me got their head bit off. I didn’t want to be comforted and calm/stoic. I wanted to wail and cry and imagine I was talking to my dear mum.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 27/05/2022 08:17

My DH would have got the first flight back. He was an absolute rock when my DM died, I couldn't have managed without him, although that was largely because our children were small and my DF needed a lot of support also (I'm an only child with no other family).
I think your friends DH probably knew what he should do, but didn't want to miss out on his weekend away. He sounds very juvenile.

MayEye · 27/05/2022 08:18

I’m separated but if still with my H I would fully expect him back and would also hope not to have to spell that out. (Probably would have had to exH!!)
Also where l live the funeral would take place within days of death so he would need to be back for that.

forlornlorna1 · 27/05/2022 08:21

Your poor friend!.

My dh would of come straight home. I wouldn't even of had to ask. Same as if it was the other way round. Id be turning round and coming home to comfort and help him.

I suppose everyone's relationships are different though. My sister found out she had cancer the day before her dh was going on a stag do. She was in pieces and he still went! I was flabbergasted and had to help my sister keep her head on and look after their kids. He needed his lads time apparently. It's just a massive lack of love or respect in my opinion. But that's my sister for you, she's allowed their family life to centre around him and his needs. It's really sad.

Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 08:22

I personally agree that I would want my husband to come back acknowledging there isn’t really anything practically to do at this point but yes for support.
Thats just me and hence why I’m interested in what others think.
It is a re-arranged piss up trip, might be one of their birthdays, not sure but certainly nothing he won’t be doing again, so not missing out.
The dynamics of this marriage seem a little bit one sided in my opinion, they do lots separately but nothing much together. It seems my poor friends has several children to look after, him, their child and ones from his previous marriage.
Just a bit worried about her and all of this as I think this might be (lack of) actions that will in time cause her to think a bit more clearly.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/05/2022 08:24

RoyKentsChestHair · 27/05/2022 08:13

Those saying there’s nothing practical he could do if he came home…that’s not the point. It’s about being there for someone in a time of crisis, not helping to make funeral arrangements or clearing his house out. Of course you’d expect help with that stuff nearer the time, but in the immediate aftermath I imagine what she needed was a hug and shoulder to cry on from the man who’s supposed to love her more than anyone.

My XH wasn’t with me when my dad died as he was at home with the DCs but the minute I walked in the door he gave me the biggest bear hug and cried with me. That’s what a partner is for.

The point is that everyone is different.
My marriage is great and we are there for eachother when needed but I am not emotionally dependent on DH and prefer to be alone if I’m upset. I don’t need anyone around me trying to support or help until I process things. DH doesn’t have much of an internal thought process so would feel the need to say things to try and make me feel better, which would be awful.
However, it sounds like OPs friend needed both emotional and practical help so her H should have come straight home

Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 08:25

Wow @Discovereads , just as an aside, I am sorry to read that, my sincere condolences to you x

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 27/05/2022 08:26

Their lives seems to revolve around the ‘him’ time he says he needs.

This is what leaps out at me. There’s not a default “father died” response, but it sounds like he didn’t step up for your friend. And the fact she’s looking after his kids says a lot; surely she could’ve done with him to come home just to step up to that?

lunar1 · 27/05/2022 08:29

I am not 'emotionally dependant' on my husband. I can and do cope without him.

He wouldn't ask what I wanted him to do, he wouldn't add that to my list of things to think about. Because of the man he is, the moment he got that news he would be on the next plane back.

There are some circumstances where you drop everything and go home, no matter what. This is one of them.

PriestessofPing · 27/05/2022 08:29

I think it’s terrible he didn’t come straight back since she is looking after all the kids. And bombarding her with messages about what he should do is childish and put all the responsibility on her to deal with her shock, his kids and then his emotional needs as he tries to figure out if he wants to enjoy his lads piss up or go and support his wife more.

lifeissweet · 27/05/2022 08:31

I would hope he would recognise that, at the very least, he needs to come back and look after the children so the poor woman can concentrate on herself and her family. It sounds as though he wanted her to demand he comes back - or tell him not to - so that he didn't have to step up and do the difficult thing himself.

He knows he ought to come home, but doesn't want to, so he's staying, but feeling guilty. He wants her to tell him it's fine if he stays away. He is having this reaction because he knows he's doing the wrong thing, really.

collieresponder88 · 27/05/2022 08:33

He sounds like the husband in the tv series motherland. I would definitely expect my Dh to come straight back and I'm sure he would