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Original poster

Expectations of a marriage when disaster strikes

89 replies

Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 07:53

This is a genuine post on behalf of a friend!
Her father passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Her husband was on a flight, en route to a boys weekend away. He didn’t find out until he landed.
He didn’t know what to do for the best (should he stay or find a flight home). He decided to think this through with his friends in various bars and he continued to bombard his wife (my friend) with calls and messages about what he should do. He was very drunk due to the worry! It seemed it was all about him and his feelings with the real upset my friend was feeling to be ignored.
I’ve not “voiced my opinion” as yet ( it’s just not the right time obviously) but I think I would want any husband of mine to make every effort to get home and support his wife and daughter as soon as was possible?
I do have several nagging doubts about his commitment. Their lives seems to revolve around the ‘him’ time he says he needs.

I will be keeping things to myself unless I’m asked but I am interested to know if my thoughts that he should be making every single effort to get back asap, without question is so alien?

OP posts:
romdowa · 27/05/2022 08:35

I'd have expected my partner to come home but Catholic funerals are 3 days after death here in Ireland and I'd be very upset if he missed my father's funeral for a lads weekend. He'd be home in a heartbeat though, no questions asked.

DisgruntledPelican · 27/05/2022 08:36

He should have come back and definitely shouldn’t have been drunkenly hassling your friend.

but I agree with posters who say there’s not much practical things to do immediately following a death. My mum, dad and I were in Portugal when my grandma died. Neighbours had raised the alarm when the curtains were shut all day, so the police and her GP dealt with a lot of the immediate admin, and arrangements with the funeral home could be done over the phone. There were a couple of days of the holiday remaining so we decided to stay rather than change flights. I’m sure some people thought we were odd for doing so, but it would have been added hassle and stress.

Pickabearanybear · 27/05/2022 08:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MajesticallyAwkward · 27/05/2022 08:42

It wouldn't have been a question, my DH would have been on the next plane home without asking. When my dad died unexpectedly DH dropped everything to support me, drove me to the hospital because he didn't want me driving upset, stayed there with me and supported me and my family as best he could. He loved my dad too and it wouldn't have occurred to him to put his needs ahead of anyone else's.

With the update the OPs friend is also looking after the selfish bastards dc it's even worse. I don't often throw LTB around but OP, tell your friend to LTB!

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 27/05/2022 08:43

Personally I wouldn't tell my husband if it was me and my dad died and my DH was only away for a weekend. What an enormous amount of stress to inflict on someone when, really, there is nothing they can do to help.
Frankly, the person will still be dead when they get home.

sunja · 27/05/2022 08:44

Fireflygal · 27/05/2022 08:07

It would feel incongruent/disrespectful for him to party when his FIL had just died. It would also be lacking in empathy for his wife.

Surely he also had a relationship with his FIL so felt some loss and couldn't continue with his weekend. If someone is able to compartmentalise their feelings then that's a red flag.

Completely agree with this. If this happened and I called my DH he would have been on the first flight back to support me.

lifeissweet · 27/05/2022 08:46

I honestly don't get the relevance of 'there being nothing practical to do'.

I am single. I have to cope with whatever life throws at me on my own because that's how it is - and of course I cope. I don't need anyone.

But I believe that, if I did meet someone, the whole point of having a partner is exactly for these situations. To have someone standing with you and making your life easier at a difficult time. Just being there for you. If I thought I would still be going through the tough stuff alone, I wouldn't bother having a relationship, frankly. I'll keep my independence.

And there are practical things he can do. Look after the children, help them come to terms with losing a grandparent, do some housework and cooking to take some of the load off and allow his wife to grieve.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 27/05/2022 08:46

lunar1 · 27/05/2022 07:56

My husband wouldn't have left the airport, he'd have been on the next flight home. It was an unexpected death, and probably very traumatic for your friend.

Absolutely this

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/05/2022 08:47

He should have come home to support her and take over any chores to give her a bit of space, love and kindness. My DH was absolutely wonderful when we lost my dad last autumn, I couldn't have asked for more from him. We had just a few days from diagnosis to death, it all happened very suddenly.Your friends husband is a selfish idiot.

SickAndTiredAgain · 27/05/2022 08:49

Even if I didn't want him to come home, what I absolutely wouldn't want is repeated "oh I'm so torn, what shall I do" messages that it sounds like your friend received.
Sounds like he just wanted her to say it was ok for him to stay, and it's very selfish for him to put that on her.

motogirl · 27/05/2022 08:49

I would have expected him to offer to come home if he could get a flight (not always that simple) but I would have said come home as planned.

brookstar · 27/05/2022 08:51

Let me get this right, her dad died unexpectedly and he left her at home looking after his children while he got pissed? Well, he's a prince isn't he?

My DH would have been on the first flight home no question about it.

brookstar · 27/05/2022 08:53

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 27/05/2022 08:43

Personally I wouldn't tell my husband if it was me and my dad died and my DH was only away for a weekend. What an enormous amount of stress to inflict on someone when, really, there is nothing they can do to help.
Frankly, the person will still be dead when they get home.

I would be furious if my DH didn't tell me one of his parents had died. Why on earth would you keep that from your partner.

Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 08:57

This is all very helpful, thank you everyone. I was after unbiased opinions on the situation and it seems you all have the same fundamental belief that when shit happens you expect people to do what they can. Especially your husband who is away on a piss up!

OP posts:
BadAtMaths2 · 27/05/2022 09:01

It depends. If my dh’s mother or father passed away unexpectedly I’d come home as he is panicky in a crisis and that would be a crisis for him, he’d need support.

if it was after an illness, not unexpected, probably not immediately no.

would I expect him to come home…probably yes.

but it sounds a bit like there’s a reason that you are so annoyed about something in someone else’s life….

Swayingpalmtrees · 27/05/2022 09:03

My dh would have turned around and gone immediately home. Without question.

He has continued with getting drunk

That would be the end for me, personally. What is marriage if you can't be there in the darkest bleakest moments. Your friend will be reeling from the shock, can you go around there and be with her? And care for the dc?

She has the double whammy of the loss of her father and the knowledge she has married someone that could not care less about her or their children.

diddl · 27/05/2022 09:09

For me it's that he kept contacting her asking what he should do.

What a useless, selfish idiot he sounds.

Fuuuuuckit · 27/05/2022 09:10

My dp wouldn't have needed to ask, never mind BE asked to come home, he'd have been on the first plane home.
My mum died recently, and though there was nothing practical to be done in the days afterwards, the fact that he was 'there' to take the load off was invaluable. He fed us all, sorted the kids out, brought tea and just generally was present for anything I needed.

OP's friend is left at home, stricken with grief and shock, and is looking after not only her kids but HIS too.

I wouldn't be able to forgive him getting drunk in several bars whilst pestering for assurance that she 'didn't mind' if he stayed on his lad's holiday.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 27/05/2022 09:18

Whether he stayed or went back home was up to what his wife wanted and felt at the time. But to stay and drunkenly message her making it all about him was definitely one thing he shouldn't have done. He sounds like a bellend.

AnneElliott · 27/05/2022 09:20

I think he should have come home straight away as she was looking g after children. He could relive her of that surely and let her get on with greening and supporting her mum.

Massively selfish considering some of the kids aren't even hers!!

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 27/05/2022 09:21

@brookstar that's OK, you do you.

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2022 09:26

I wouldn’t want my DH to come back but accept I’m likely an outlier and wouldn’t judge anyone who felt otherwise. Can’t imagine him sitting there watching me cry would assist in any way with the situation. If I had been going to pick him up from the airport on arrival back, I would expect him to sort himself and get a cab or whatever though.

If it was one of our kids that died, I’d absolutely expect he would turn himself around the second he could though! Can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t but I guess there’s always one in the diverse gene pool out there.

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2022 09:27

I would be extremely pissed about any drunken messages or dithery phone calls though.

EmerLou · 27/05/2022 09:28

My husband wouldn't even have left the airport. He'd have booked the first flight home, and would be genuinely devastated at the news.

Her husband is a selfish twat. Inconsiderate and just down right horrendous behaviour.

Morenamesandpasswords · 27/05/2022 09:29

I wouldn't expect him to come home either - not much he could do to help. No sense ruining his weekend as well.

But then I'm from a family that wouldn't tell someone on holiday of a death in the family - why ruin it for them when they can't change it