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Original poster

Expectations of a marriage when disaster strikes

89 replies

Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 07:53

This is a genuine post on behalf of a friend!
Her father passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Her husband was on a flight, en route to a boys weekend away. He didn’t find out until he landed.
He didn’t know what to do for the best (should he stay or find a flight home). He decided to think this through with his friends in various bars and he continued to bombard his wife (my friend) with calls and messages about what he should do. He was very drunk due to the worry! It seemed it was all about him and his feelings with the real upset my friend was feeling to be ignored.
I’ve not “voiced my opinion” as yet ( it’s just not the right time obviously) but I think I would want any husband of mine to make every effort to get home and support his wife and daughter as soon as was possible?
I do have several nagging doubts about his commitment. Their lives seems to revolve around the ‘him’ time he says he needs.

I will be keeping things to myself unless I’m asked but I am interested to know if my thoughts that he should be making every single effort to get back asap, without question is so alien?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 27/05/2022 09:31

My mum died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. I think I would have wanted my husband to come home and he would have done if I asked. He would have offered first.

If I had young children I would have 100% needed him to come home. My children are grown up, so they were more of a support than a "burden", but I couldn't have handled it if they had been young. For a start there's so much to do on a practical level, never mind the shock and emotions involved.

As for the indecision and drunk communications, I think he's an absolute arse for doing that. Stupid, selfish man.

Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 09:35

I was there last night offering what I could. I can’t be there today due to work but I know some others will be.
My point was that I was sitting there with all the chaos and messages from everyone but the one person who I would have thought would have just shut up and be on their way back would have been him. Instead, the constant bombardment was not helpful at times of irrational and confused thinking.
Just my observation and I wanted to gather a more rounded set of opinions from others for the future when I’m sure my friend will want to talk it through with me.
Each of your comments have all been very interesting to read for me, thank you.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 27/05/2022 09:46

I can't help wondering if all the people who say they wouldn't want their Dh to come home have actually been through this? It's true that when my mum died, I didn't necessarily want Dh around cuddling me etc - I turned quite inward in fact - but he took on all the childcare, did lots of the updates to friends etc and acted as a sort of gatekeeper overall to protect me which was very helpful.

For her to be left looking after their children AND his children while dealing with this is completely and totally unacceptable.

easyday · 27/05/2022 09:46

When my parents died I would not have expected my husband to fly home. I was very close to them. He probably would have though, certainly not go out getting drunk!
However, when my father had his stroke abroad (which eventually led to his death) my husband dropped everything, my cousin drove three hours arriving at 2am to mind the kids so we could catch the 6am flight out. It was as much to support my mother as see my dad. He stayed three days then we flew home when my sisters arrived (from much further away, and they didn't have kids at the time so were a bit more flexible).
Maybe it was that it wasn't 'sudden' but I was quite able to carry on as normal after he died.

dworky · 27/05/2022 09:49

"He decided to think this through with his friends in various bars and he continued to bombard his wife (my friend) with calls and messages about what he should do. He was very drunk due to the worry!"
😂

Morenamesandpasswords · 27/05/2022 10:08

Yes, I had my dad die suddenly whilst my ex was away on a lads week

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/05/2022 10:32

I don't think my husband would have even asked.

I'm the sort that likes to be alone in my grief, but he would have come home and managed everything to allow me to do what I needed. The mundanities of keeping the kids fed and watered is not something you want to have to do while arranging a funeral, and especially not immediately after finding out about the death.

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2022 10:32

I can't help wondering if all the people who say they wouldn't want their Dh to come home have actually been through this?

Yep, both DH and I have. So, saying what I have said I would do came from a place of experience. Also, neither DH or myself told the other about our deaths until the other had finished work, no expectation of anyone coming home early or being distracted. Actually, for one of DH’s I knew first and made the decision not to tell him until he finished work and came home. Would have been different if they were dying and he could go to them but they were dead so coming home early is not going to bring them back or change the situation. He was happy about this and said he would have made exactly the same call if the shoe was on the other foot.

Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 10:36

By way of an update along with my feelings based on what I’ve learnt from you all.
He called saying he hadn’t slept all night worrying but had stopped drinking. Again, he asked should he come home. My friend has said no and to stay.
My outsider feeling is that I believe she wanted him to not have to ask and to just be coming back. I feel she’s in a position now that to drag him back when there’s nothing specific to do would cause resentfulness.
I feel annoyed that she’s in this situation and that he now will not be back until Sunday as planned. But it’s ok, as “he does feel bad”!
The old saying, actions speak louder than words is very apt here.
I will support her and remain impartial unless I’m asked but I just want to scream at her to get a back bone once the initial shock of her poor father dying has passed and see that it’s all just a bit selfish on his part.
I guess we’re all just different!

OP posts:
Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 10:37

@ChiefWiggumsBoy precisely!

OP posts:
gannett · 27/05/2022 10:38

DP would have offered to come home and I would have told him not to.

Your friend and her husband seem to have very poor communication skills. A drunken bombardment of texts is a terrible idea at the best of times and I'm cringing on his behalf that he'd do it on the night his wife's dad died. What was he playing at?

But on her part why on earth didn't she just answer his questions and then tell him to stop texting? "Do whatever you think is best" is an infuriating non-answer. Why couldn't she say what she wanted him to do?

The conversation should have gone:

Do you want me to come home or not?
Yes/no.
If yes, he gets on the next plane home.
If no, he asks if there's anything he can do while away.

There should be no need for drunken messages and refusals to answer questions!

gannett · 27/05/2022 10:41

My outsider feeling is that I believe she wanted him to not have to ask and to just be coming back

Christ alive how does she have time or bandwidth for game-playing at a time like this though?

If she wants something she should SAY IT not turn it into a test he doesn't know he's playing.

Hoppinggreen · 27/05/2022 10:45

gannett · 27/05/2022 10:41

My outsider feeling is that I believe she wanted him to not have to ask and to just be coming back

Christ alive how does she have time or bandwidth for game-playing at a time like this though?

If she wants something she should SAY IT not turn it into a test he doesn't know he's playing.

I agree

Original poster
Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 10:51

Oh, I’m with you. I’m infuriated with the whole thing but I’m not getting involved or will be voicing my opinions until asked.
My friend in particular needs to say it how it is but she’s never done that with him. It seems she feels inferior to him and it’s all about making his life as happy and as free as he wants. Completely overlooking her own feelings and needs. Still, that’s how she wants to be despite what I think.
I reckon it might be (and probably should be) a catalyst for addressing this apparent game playing and I fear it could be the end for them eventually. Everyone is asking “where is he?” which I’m hoping will be a wake up call. The time is not right now but it’s brewing now I fear/hope!!

OP posts:
Why2why · 27/05/2022 11:07

You are way too invested n their relationship. Stop patronising your friend. You make her sound weak and foolish. Would she be happy to have you paint a picture of her being such a sad, helpless, unadvertised person?

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 27/05/2022 11:17

When my Dad died my DH stepped in and took over all of the childcare despite it being hugely disruptive for his work. He just did it, no questions asked or quibbles. He let me be with my mum (at her house hours away) and my brother and gave me time with them without having to even think about the kids. That is what I needed. Your friend’s DH clearly didn’t want to miss his weekend away and was putting the decision on your friend who probably couldn’t even process that question.

brookstar · 27/05/2022 11:38

What's the point of being married or in a serious relationship if you aren't going to be there to support your partner at their lowest moments?

I think this really is a case of when someone shows you who they are, believe them

Triffid1 · 27/05/2022 11:39

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2022 10:32

I can't help wondering if all the people who say they wouldn't want their Dh to come home have actually been through this?

Yep, both DH and I have. So, saying what I have said I would do came from a place of experience. Also, neither DH or myself told the other about our deaths until the other had finished work, no expectation of anyone coming home early or being distracted. Actually, for one of DH’s I knew first and made the decision not to tell him until he finished work and came home. Would have been different if they were dying and he could go to them but they were dead so coming home early is not going to bring them back or change the situation. He was happy about this and said he would have made exactly the same call if the shoe was on the other foot.

This just proves that the world is made up of lots of different types of people. Because if DH found out that someone I had loved died and chose to leave me in the dark while I was at work I don't think I'd ever forgive him. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

crochetmonkey74 · 27/05/2022 11:46

The key is him asking her what he should do- even in the most crushing of times- he was still not able to look after her, take control and manage himself- he abdicated it all to her- I was with a manchild like this for a long time and it leads to resentment- and of course you being 'boring mummy' figure

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 27/05/2022 11:50

I disagree he can’t do anything practical.
he could have looked after his own kids to start with and his wife dcs (are they his too?). That would be a huge practical help whilst she can gather her thoughts again.
And of course, he could do the cooking, clean the house, take mer places and simply listen to her. He can’t take away her grief but saying that he can’t do anything in a practical pov so isn’t needed HmmConfused

thenewduchessoflapland · 27/05/2022 11:50

Swordfish45 · 27/05/2022 08:16

Thank you for those replies, yes everyone is different.
Just to clarify, my friend was in no fit state to think rationally and kept saying he should do what’s best. She has kids (some theirs and some just his) to juggle and other family and it was all just a very confusing, upsetting, stressful mess.
I wanted to yell at him to get home if it bothered him that much or just carry on with his weekend. I said nothing!

What was best would have been to collect his bag;gone to a budget airline desk and found out when the next flight back to the UK was.

This is one of those times when he should have gone home to support his partner and their children who have just lost a grandparent too.

He's a tool and needs to grow up.

Does he have form for such selfishness?

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 27/05/2022 11:54

@HoppingPavlova

Seeing that the friend is dealing with HIS dcs and THEIR dcs, does it still feel right to you that he isn’t back?

I can understand why you are saying what’s the point if the only thing he can do is see my cry. I understand less when the person in question still has to deal with running a house, dealing with children etc… on the top of their grief.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 27/05/2022 11:56

Plus of course what you are talking about is a delay if a few hours, not your DH not being there for a few days whilst you handle it all

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 27/05/2022 12:05

Op my dh wouldn't have even left the airport.

He would have booked and boarded the next plane back before I could say anything like I would for him.

Your poor friend must be in utter shock and disbelief and having to juggle kids Aswell will be really hard but it sounds like she has a great friend in you to support her.

If i was in your position and because I'm not good at keeping some things to myself I would be giving him a piece of my mind when he gets back

Asshole

Naunet · 27/05/2022 12:09

I don’t know if I’d want my husband to come back or not, but I do know I wouldn’t want constant texts from him making it all about himself. The guy is a selfish prick.

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