Expectations of a marriage when disaster strikes

[Swordfish45]

This is a genuine post on behalf of a friend!
Her father passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Her husband was on a flight, en route to a boys weekend away. He didn’t find out until he landed.
He didn’t know what to do for the best (should he stay or find a flight home). He decided to think this through with his friends in various bars and he continued to bombard his wife (my friend) with calls and messages about what he should do. He was very drunk due to the worry! It seemed it was all about him and his feelings with the real upset my friend was feeling to be ignored.
I’ve not “voiced my opinion” as yet ( it’s just not the right time obviously) but I think I would want any husband of mine to make every effort to get home and support his wife and daughter as soon as was possible?
I do have several nagging doubts about his commitment. Their lives seems to revolve around the ‘him’ time he says he needs.

I will be keeping things to myself unless I’m asked but I am interested to know if my thoughts that he should be making every single effort to get back asap, without question is so alien?

I can't believe he left her looking after his own children while he went on holiday! And yes, a decent husband would get the next flight back.

If you can't rely on a partner to be there with you through the most traumatic events in life, what is the point of having one?

Theres no way she should have been left with all the kids while he carried on having his piss up. She's not even the mother of all of them. She should have been free to focus on her own needs. Shame on him!

Wow! So pretty much:

"I'm sorry your dad died. I feel terrible. Do you want me to come home, or will I just stay here and party? I'm so sad. Gonna be thinking about it all night. It's definitely put a dampener on my holiday."

Disgraceful.

In the nicest way, I think you need to stop thinking about the dynamics of your friends marriage, if not altogether, certainly at the moment. It's likely that the relationship most on her mind is that of herself and her father, and she will want your support and conversation about her feelings on this. Its not pleasant if we see our friends getting what we percieve to be short changed in their relationships, and there may come a time when she raises issues about it with you, but now is probably not that time. Focus on how to support her in the loss of her father.

I'm so sorry you went through that, I can't even begin to imagine the trauma. Even though you didn't want anyone around you though, just knowing your DH was there must've been a comfort? Rather than knowing he was in a bar getting pissed as OP's friend's DH is doing?

Him putting it back on her to make the decision is so unfair. It's like he's absolving himself of any responsibility. I know mine wouldn't have left the airport, he'd have booked himself onto the next flight home.

Circumstances vary. I have four siblings.

When our dm died, we were there for each other and partners were on the periphery for a day or two.I wouldn't have expected my partner to come home but everyone is different.

I would expect him to offer to come back immediately and then I would tell him to stay there.

But did you also have children to look after or were you able to deal with the grief with the support of your siblings Wo worrying about anything else?

Whats really bugging me in the OP’s scenario is the fact that woman is dealing with her grief whilst looking after HIS children.

IMO it's incredibly important to be led by the person grieving, and not to impose how you think they "should" be grieving on them. As PP have said everyone is different, every situation is different, there isn't a set way to react.

When my (estranged) dad died, DP wasn't even away, but I didn't even tell him for a day, because I needed to process the news. I definitely wouldn't have wanted or needed him to cut short a trip. He was most valuable in the months afterwards when my everyday life was back to normal but I would still need to work through various feelings.

I’d have been back, even for my ex just to take the kids off her hands and help out when I could if nothing else.

He’s a shit husband.

Also him not being back means he isn’t back for HIS CHILDREN either.

Children who are grieving a grandparent and might well need help too (depending on the age of the children).

It was his FIL who’d died, a man he must have known for some time. And especially as it was a sudden death he should have realised his wife would be distraught. There’s also so much to do, the people you have to speak to, the paperwork is a nightmare. He should have got the first flight back.

There might not be anything practical in terms of managing the death but there are practical things he can be doing because there are children to look after. When my aunt died, my mum didn’t need me sat with her with her holding her hand, she needed me to go home to her dog. We also don’t know how we will react to these things until they happen. Maybe the daily routine will be good for the wife, give her a distraction and allow for a bit of normality. Or it might just be too much. Her DH being there means if she finds daily routine too much, he can step in. It doesn’t have to be about fussing her or helping her pick a song for a funeral but an extra set of hands in case she needs them.

There is also the aspect of providing emotional support for someone else (if friend’s mum is still alive or she needs to support her kids). When DH’s dad had a heart attack we couldn’t visit but DH spent several hours a night speaking to his mum who was alone. They didn’t say much but DH didn’t want his mum just sat alone. So I did more of the cooking and cleaning as DH just needed to sit on the phone with his mum.