I actually told him

[VJasper86]

Last night I admitted to my dh that I am not happy in our marriage and am still hurting from when he went too far with a colleague 6 years ago.
I laid it all out. How I was a person I wasn't happy with, how I was still broken from what he did, how he has never actually admitted what happened, how I'm fed up of our relationship being unbalanced with parenting and looking after the home falling much more on me, how I've told him a million times and things don't change, how I don't see him as anything other than a friend right now (likely because of all the above and not necessarily permanent if we do something about it).
I feel a weight off my mind having said it all out loud.
I don't understand his response though.
He giggled, a little chuckle, like "oh, here we go again, she's getting all OTT as usual". He then asked me to send him what I'd said so he could "formulate a reply"
I didn't call him out on the giggle, I'm hoping it was nervousness, and sent him what I'd said.
I've not given him a timescale to think and talk as I guess that in itself will tell me if he wants to put effort in or not.
Just wanted to say out loud.

He's gaslighting you. You deserve netter.

*better!

'Put it in writing'

& you did ??????

'fuck off' wouldn't have taken me long.

seriously, you laid yourself bare & his response is to ask for it in writing??? Nope. No way. If that's how much he cares about how you feel & what you've said, you're better off without him

sorry xx

F

Well, he isn't a friend, that's for sure.

"Put it in writing"

He holds you in contempt and you indulge him still?

Leave him.

Time to move on. xxx

I cannot imagine such situation... you had a hard thoughts for a long time, but he just giggled... this is not OK at all! He is not ready to talk with you seriously, and this is hard to change now.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a massive twat. You were trying to talk to him about a serious issue (several in fact) and he was giggling and minimising your opinions and putting you down. He seems to think he is better than you?

If you've told him a million times and there's been no change on his part he's likely confident you wont leave him.

Prove him wrong.

OP, you don't say what your situation is, but this man wasn't taking you seriously, he was laughing at you. He doesn't care in the slightest, you are a convenience. It's just a game to him.
I'm so sorry but you need to leave or he will carry on hurting you for the rest of your life.

He's buying time so he can think up suitable 'excuses' for HIS behaviour, and he'll also draw up a list of things HE isn't 'happy' about, which will actually a list of why YOU are WRONG/TO BLAME for HIS actions/lack of effort !

I agree with PP who said 'Fuck off' would have been a lot less time consuming than writing it out for him !

You've already told him countless times about things you're not happy about, and he's done nothing to change, so why on earth would you keep trying ? (When he clearly couldn't give a monkey's about you or your feelings !)

Cut your losses. Tell him you want him to leave and get him out, because this circular 'dance' you're both doing where HE does what the fuck he wants and ignores/humours you when you ask for help/ care/ thoughtfulness etc, and YOU do all the hard work/childcare/housework etc, while you wait for him to 'step up', isn't going to change.

Some people process things more appropriately if they’re written down. I definitely wouldn’t take it as a bad sign. He’s not impulsively coming back with a response or excuses... he wants to have time to think over each point with consideration.

I’d say he’s given you a mature response to your issues, rather than the similar hot headed ones that have appeared here. I’d take the letter approach any day

Does he think you are an employee? That "put in in writing" shit is the sort of thing a manager would say if they had only half listened and wanted you gone so they could get on with something more important. He thinks he's the boss of you and that the relationship is transactional. Please leave him, he is not your friend, he's laughing at you.

It wasn't a nervous giggle, it was one of contempt.

Lawyer. Do not tell him you're going.

He is not sorry, he treats you with pure contempt and he is gaslighting you.

I have no doubt you feel bad about yourself because that's what happens when you live with someone like this.

He is absolutely not your friend. No way.

He will not think about this, he will not come back to you of his own free will - and if he does I guarantee it will involve blaming you and denying your version of events.

The longer you put yourself through this, the worse you're going to feel and the longer it will take you to recover.

You've also handed control away by waiting for him to come back to you after writing the points out for him - couldn't get make his own notes?! Arsehole! He's playing with you. I've gone through this and you don't gain the time back. How long will you wait before you mention that he's not said anything and then how will you feel knowing he's only said something because you've pushed him to?

Why aren't women taught to expect more from men? This man doesn't love you. He doesn't cherish you. He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't even care about you. And the reason for all those things is unimportant! You do not deserve to be treated this way. Nobody does. I bet he's quite comfortable with his life living with someone who does the bulk of the housework and parenting. I mean it would be great, right? Imagine you had someone who did the bulk of the parenting and housework! Life would be far more comfortable.

OP you do not need or deserve to be treated like this. It's not ok. You've lived 6 years already (at least) with your self esteem being rotted away. You do not need to continue.

I don't done on posts and say LTB very often but there's no counselling that's going to sort this situation out because he's manipulative.

I think my talk to him was unexpected, even though it shouldn't have been.
I think he is not good at communicating or sharing his feelings so I get why he wanted a copy as its easier for him to think instead of a spontaneous response.
I think I've made my decision as to next steps now and am in counselling which is empowering me to do this.
It's a massive step for me to be truly honest and lay out that if things don't change we aren't going to work out.
Thanks for all the thoughts, but generally I am just really proud of myself for doing it, it's a huge step for me and I'll make the next ones when I need to.
Thanks for everyone's support.

Tell him that you have 'formulated your reply' already.

Well done for standing up for yourself and saying what you wanted to say. It sounds like he doesn't respect you and he doesn't think you're serious about possibly divorcing him. Do you think he might turn nasty if you actually did go through with it? There are threads on here about what to do in order to prepare for that kind of battle. I hope it works out for the best for you either way.

Well done OP - it sounds like that took courage. Now to await his response.

He laughed at you ? What an arsehole.
Id say that you need to set a date for another chat or for when things need to change by, or you will coast and still be here in 10 years time.
Well done for speaking up.

Well done for :

Working out how you feel
Deciding to tell him
Actually telling him

Also, for not decking him after that totally inappropriate reply.

He's not a keeper unfortunately, and he's not going to work at your relationship. He may well do just enough to string you along. He may get nasty when you make it clear you aren't standing for it. It depends how clever he is.

Take care.

Time to get your ducks in a row.

it’s a horrible feeling, knowing that the person who is supposed to live and care for you really doesn’t give 2 shits.

Best wishes OP

Love. Not live. Sorry