I actually told him

[VJasper86]

Last night I admitted to my dh that I am not happy in our marriage and am still hurting from when he went too far with a colleague 6 years ago.
I laid it all out. How I was a person I wasn't happy with, how I was still broken from what he did, how he has never actually admitted what happened, how I'm fed up of our relationship being unbalanced with parenting and looking after the home falling much more on me, how I've told him a million times and things don't change, how I don't see him as anything other than a friend right now (likely because of all the above and not necessarily permanent if we do something about it).
I feel a weight off my mind having said it all out loud.
I don't understand his response though.
He giggled, a little chuckle, like "oh, here we go again, she's getting all OTT as usual". He then asked me to send him what I'd said so he could "formulate a reply"
I didn't call him out on the giggle, I'm hoping it was nervousness, and sent him what I'd said.
I've not given him a timescale to think and talk as I guess that in itself will tell me if he wants to put effort in or not.
Just wanted to say out loud.

Well done for having the conversation.

I feel such a weight off my mind. Like I've come to terms that if we separate, then we separate and that's fine and maybe we will end up with a better friendship than we currently have

He doesn't seem to see you as a friend. I wouldn't treat a friend how he treats you. Would a friend smirk when you told them you were unhappy with how they treated you? Would a friend ask you to put your concerns in writing? Would a friend treat you badly and expect you to do the lionshare of work?

Well done for telling him how you feel. Well done for seeking help and for being ready to separate. But don't assume you will be friends when this is all over, because he doesn't act like a friend now.

You deserve better.

I don’t think he has fallen into a pattern.
If he has, it’s one where he sees you as ‘hysterical/hormonal’ and therefore not to be taken seriously.
that’s what the laugh and the ‘here we go again’ is saying.

As you’ve said, you’ve told him many times he needed to take some actions and what wasn’t ok to you. He never did anything and got away with it. So you saying those same things again is just one of those times that can be ignored because it will all go back to ‘normal’ in a few days.
He isn’t believing that you seriously have an issue with all that. He thinks it will blow away again. He still thinks he can ignore you. I’d bet that when he asked for everything in writing it’s because he didn’t think you would do that in the first place (takes time & effort etc etc). And now of course he has the possibility to not do anything for a few days ‘because he is thinking about it’.

Be careful that he isn’t fooling you again.

That is great Btw.

The fact you feel a weight has lifted says it all too. So well done!!

id just be careful not to expect too much that you will still be friends etc… because somehow I suspect he isn’t going to take the fact you are deadly serious this time every well.

I'm not prepared to be fooled. I think by actually saying it all out loud I have paved a path that I'm not scared to follow anymore.
I was terrified of being alone, of it being over, for the kids, for finances etc, but now I feel free to make what choice I need to, when I need to.
I genuinely don't think he is a bad person but I think a lot of the comments are making me think maybe we are at an even bigger disconnect and even more incompatible than I thought. He is a shy person, isn't good at communicating (with anyone), probably has low self esteem himself so I think things can get swept up in that.
I always want to see the good in people, always, that's just me. I'm super helpful and kind.

I guess I'm assuming that there would be less tension as just friends, if it was amicable I suppose, and maybe then behavior changes a little.

@VJasper86 you remind me of myself.

ive always tried to see the good in people, reasons as to why they behave in a certain way (they had a difficult childhood, lack self esteem, probably in the spectrum blablabla).

It took me a long time to realise that these were all excuses. They might have been reasons as to why certain people act in a hurtful way (and never listen). But they were excuses for me to ‘forgive’ them and try to work around them, at my cost. (Excuses I gave to myself btw).

In reality, we should never accept people hurting us. It doesn’t matter of the reason. The reason might want to be more compassionate in our approach. But we should never accept to be treated like shit, to be hurt. There is never any reason good enough to accept that, let alone to accept it repeatedly.

What were your parents like, VJaspar? It sounds as though you are conditioned to put everyone else first. I have wrestled with the same.

@picklemewalnuts they are both very kind and considerate. Would likely always think of others before themselves.
They aren't outspoken or rude and place a lot of value in other people's emotions.
It's meant that they are really caring and supportive of me, but I suppose it probably has led to me being the same.

Don't send him a letter send him a divorce petition. That will wake him up.

That's a lovely change! My dad was like that, to an extent, but my mum was all about her. The rest of us weren't allowed feelings.

@picklemewalnuts it is really nice, but I suppose because they are both quite soft centred I am not easily able to stand up for myself and have always put myself at the bottom of the pile.
My sister somehow got all that self confidence and determination and is high achieving and won't stand for shit.
She's already told me that she would have got rid when he cheated regardless of only having an 18 month old and living 3hrs away from my family support network.

Interestingly I went out for a meal with friends this evening and told them what had happened. They were also shocked about his reply.
So far he has done or said nothing that is in reply to what I've said.
It doesn't even feel likes he making an effort elsewhere either.
I got home to aessy living room, washing up he said he'd do yesterday and washed clothes that needed folding. He was sat on the sofa watching TV.
After getting home at 11pm ive tidied, folded and put washing away.

I think that says all you need to know.

He giggled. He thinks it's funny and a joke that you still believe after all this time that he might show you some consideration and support.

I'd now be letting my solicitor put it all in writing in my divorce petition and see if that makes him snigger quite so much. He's awful.

He did come back with a response @Creative34

he laughed at her.

I've also suggested marriage counselling which he wasn't keen on previously but let's see if he changes.
If you're going to do marriage counselling with him - which it seems you will if he agrees - please first read The Gaslight Effect by Dr Robin Stern. At least you'll have a chance if spotting patterns that are damaging to you.

Also - everything else @daretodenim said in the post this is quoted from.
However ...
Be very, VERY wary about entering couples counselling with this man.
Talk at length with your solo counsellor first.
Couples counselling is NOT RECOMMENDED by professional therapists, when one of the pair is abusive.
The abusive party make the process All About Them, manipulates the therapist, & uses any disclosure by the non-abusive party to gaslight or otherwise undermine them with - they will take it home, away from the therapist's ears, & twist it all to damage the non-abuser with.

And it's a pretty safe bet that your contemptuous, sneering, household drudge-dodging H is abusive, innit?

He is not your friend OP.

I suspect you kid yourself that he is, because the alternative is so painful.

Friends don't cheat on you, lie about it, make you do all the drudge work, then laugh at you when you finally get the courage to speak up about their unfairness, then tell you to put it in writing.

I feel like I am starting to feel even more pushed towards separating after not only the supportive comments, and yes, I can see that I seem to justify his behaviour and make excuses. I guess I always want to see the best in people and don't understand why someone who says they care would actually behave in this way so there must be a reason.
Last night I returned from a meal with friends to find the living room a mess, washing up that he'd told me the day before he would do was sat there and washing hadn't been folded.
It's like if I have a night off, it means he does (once the kids are in bed)
If he has time away, I use it to get lots of stuff done.
In the day, if he's watching TV with the kids (sat on his phone while they watch TV) I'll get stuff done, if I play with the kids, he'll sit on his phone.
After me coming clean about how unhappy I am, and how I feel life is unbalanced etc, I would have expected him to try more while he thinks about what he wants.
He hasn't.

After me coming clean about how unhappy I am, and how I feel life is unbalanced etc, I would have expected him to try more while he thinks about what he wants.
He hasn't

It tells you all you need to know

He doesn't believe you'll end it, after all you didn't when he had an affair. He thinks you will put up with anything.

I have asked him this evening if he is ready to talk or if he needs more time.
He says he needs more time. Its frustrating as I told him on Wednesday and he has had no comment.
He acts like things are totally normal and I just feel weird and like I want to be able to openly discuss and I'm intrigued to how he is going to play it.
I'm trying to maintain my strength so I am ready for what he has to sayand don't get sucked in by any lies and only take him up if he intends to actually invest himself ie have counselling, explore why he cheated, how it hurt me etc.
And even then, at this point I think I've "checked out" and realise that I should never have been put through what I have by someone who genuinely cared as I've not hidden my struggle at all. I am very open when I am finding things hard.

You need to give him a deadline, he could string our months before he's ready to give you an answer.

I don't understand what you are waiting for. Why do you need him to 'give you an answer? Why do you feel you need any response from him?
He laughed at you - that was his response,
Then he failed to do any housework while you were out - that is also a response - a non-verbal response but a strong signal to you.

What on earth are you waiting for? Do you think you need his permission or agreement to separate? Do you imagine that divorcing is something you have to do 'together'?
Just start divorce proceedings on your own.

He doesn’t believe you will end it.
He doesn’t believe that tidying up is his responsibility - it’s yours as a woman, that’s it
Amd I still believe he has utter contempt for you, showed by the fact he still doesn’t want to talk to you about what is going on (on the top of the smirk earlier when you told him).

Heis going to drag the issue for as long as he can in the hope you’ll drop it.
And you will insist and say that he has had enough time, he’ll get angry and make it it’s your fault for wanting an answer so quickly/putting him under pressure etc…

Just think about it. When your spouse is telling you they have enough and are thinking of separating unless some of the issues are solved, what would someone’s reaction be? What would you expect from someone who is at least sort of committed to the relationship or still care a little bit about the person in front of them?
He is telling you by his actions he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about you as his partner and you as a person. He only wants his maid.

Why would you sill try and save that marriage?

You're flogging a dead horse. His silence tells you everything you need to know, it's screaming at you and you're not paying attention to it.