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Original poster

He lives with mum at 32

145 replies

Jazzeena · 25/05/2022 22:21

So I met a man recently who is awesome, but I’m not worried that he still lives with his parents (he never moved out). He says the reason is saving for house (but only has 10k in savings) making 25k a year. I have been living on my own since I was 18 (now 28) and managed to save over 20k while paying rent. I don’t want to be shallow, but finances are important. Also I’m worried about differences in maturity. What do you think ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2022 14:20

He hasn't attended uni, either? It just keeps getting better and better Come on, op. I would think your standards would be much higher than this for what you're looking for in a partner.

Kris02 · 26/05/2022 14:23

Judge him as an individual. There are men who live with their parents but are mature and awesome, and there are men who leave home at 18 but remain selfish, spoiled babies. I've known men who lived with their parents for all sorts of reasons. Often, it was because their father had died and their mother was frightened of being on her own. That's very common. In situations like that, far from being a sign of immaturity it's a sign of decency and love.

Equally, I knew a guy who left home at 18, traveled the world and ended up living in Australia. Yet he was the most immature man I've ever met. Even in his 30s he would literally throw tantrums and expect his parents to send him money when he wanted new trainers or a new phone. It was like being with a nasty seven-year-old.

billy1966 · 26/05/2022 14:30

OP,

He is well used to spending money on himself.

The dirty business of paying bills will be an issue if he still hasn't done it at 28.

If you are happy to play mother in this relationship, crack on.

If you are looking for a mature adult who lives in the real world and is making provision for his future I think not.

Is he an only child that is depending on inheriting his parents home?

Original poster
Jazzeena · 26/05/2022 14:41

Nope. He has two brothers both living out of the house since their early 20s. Exactly that’s what I’m worried about - how and if he struggles one day paying bills

OP posts:
Original poster
Jazzeena · 26/05/2022 14:42

no inheritance - everyone in his family is renting

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 26/05/2022 14:50

Awful, judgemental, snobby thread. And the comments about him not having gone to university...so what?

A lot of people don't have lots of savings. Maybe he wanted to enjoy himself, have nice things and holidays whilst he was still young in his 20s? It's not a crime.

However, if the OP wants a high earner with big savings as it would appear a lot of women do, then that's also fine, dump him and don't waste each other's time.

SatinHeart · 26/05/2022 14:52

If I thought the relationship was likely to go somewhere I'd be worried that he'd never lived away from home, so might be useless at life admin like switching energy providers, doing maintenance on a house etc.

CaptSkippy · 26/05/2022 14:54

Why would you want to date someone who is not even close to being on your level? Why date someone who would drag you down?

Lolllllllllllll · 26/05/2022 15:18

Has he had millions of amazing holidays? Did he spend a long time at Uni doing a PhD? Does he do a career that he loves and is passionate but that doesn't pay well? Has he lived away from home at all?

I might be able to look past low'ish earnings and low savings if there was a reason.

If he has travelled the world and really enjoyed himself but is now looking to the next phase of life I might be fine with that.

Generally though he doesn't sound great.

Felicity42 · 26/05/2022 15:33

A few red flags. His brothers moved out he didn't. He says he hates living at home but doesn't move out.
Does what Mum and Dad say.
Buys branded electronics like a teenager.
He's looking for a new Mummy to set up a house for him.
His world view is that there will always be an 'adult' to look after him and tell him what to do.
So yeah, run, he's an overgrown teenager.

FinallyHere · 26/05/2022 16:28

We are all allowed to set our own criteria for partners. It's no crime.

Being financially solvent and having lived alone and managed the household was amongst my minimum requirements.

Along with a sense of humour

I'd stand by that today.

caringcarer · 26/05/2022 16:41

If he went to uni he might have had to pay down overdraft before he could start saving. My adult son is 27 and still living at home saving for his deposit. He paid off student overdraft first. He does all his own laundry, cooks for us all at least once a week, does other jobs around house like empty rubbish bin and empty dishwasher. He goes out a lot with friends and I don't see a lot of him as he lives in loft extension. He has about £10k saved at the moment. Did not realise he was such a bad prospect.

YRGAM · 26/05/2022 16:49

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/05/2022 14:50

Awful, judgemental, snobby thread. And the comments about him not having gone to university...so what?

A lot of people don't have lots of savings. Maybe he wanted to enjoy himself, have nice things and holidays whilst he was still young in his 20s? It's not a crime.

However, if the OP wants a high earner with big savings as it would appear a lot of women do, then that's also fine, dump him and don't waste each other's time.

This. The thread is four pages of unjustified character assassination from bored posters who just want to pile on somebody.

Staynow · 26/05/2022 16:56

Maybe he's got a lot more put aside but doesn't want to tell you in case you stay with him just because of the money? Otherwise where is all of it going??? Are you sure he's telling the truth about living with his parents and no one being allowed to stay over? Have you actually been to the house?

Moser85 · 26/05/2022 17:17

Staynow · 26/05/2022 16:56

Maybe he's got a lot more put aside but doesn't want to tell you in case you stay with him just because of the money? Otherwise where is all of it going??? Are you sure he's telling the truth about living with his parents and no one being allowed to stay over? Have you actually been to the house?

If that were the case then I would worry that he has deeply misogynist views.

UnsuitableHat · 26/05/2022 17:21

Not particularly unusual these days for someone to live at home. Renting is expensive and nobody is obliged to buy property. Why not get to know him and see what you think?

NellesVilla · 26/05/2022 17:39

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clumperoo · 26/05/2022 22:24

Have always found that a turn off. Man-child

But maybe he has other good points.

See how it goes. In theory, he could be saving £500-1k a month

whydoesthedog · 26/05/2022 23:18

@pixie5121 does not sound like a cunt and I've reported your comment. At no point did op say he stayed at home for mental health issues. He specifically told her he was home to save.

NohoHank · 26/05/2022 23:28

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/05/2022 14:50

Awful, judgemental, snobby thread. And the comments about him not having gone to university...so what?

A lot of people don't have lots of savings. Maybe he wanted to enjoy himself, have nice things and holidays whilst he was still young in his 20s? It's not a crime.

However, if the OP wants a high earner with big savings as it would appear a lot of women do, then that's also fine, dump him and don't waste each other's time.

Completely agree. Typical snobby mumsnet thread.

Courante · 27/05/2022 07:35

caringcarer · 26/05/2022 16:41

If he went to uni he might have had to pay down overdraft before he could start saving. My adult son is 27 and still living at home saving for his deposit. He paid off student overdraft first. He does all his own laundry, cooks for us all at least once a week, does other jobs around house like empty rubbish bin and empty dishwasher. He goes out a lot with friends and I don't see a lot of him as he lives in loft extension. He has about £10k saved at the moment. Did not realise he was such a bad prospect.

There are significant differences between you son and the OPs boyfriend.

OP has stated her boyfriend didn't go to uni - and no other reason why he would've not been able to save or had to clear debts before saving.

Your son is only 27, OPs partner is 32 - after another five years is your son likely to still 'only' have £10K saved?

The other stuff too...?

pixie5121 · 27/05/2022 10:12

NohoHank · 26/05/2022 23:28

Completely agree. Typical snobby mumsnet thread.

Show quote history

LOL that wanting to date an actual grown up who pays his way and is independent is 'snobby'.

God forbid you'd want a life partner with a viable career path and a good attitude to money...it's not as if finances are crucial for just about every aspect of life.

🙄

5128gap · 27/05/2022 10:26

I don't think its unreasonable that a 32 year old has combined saving a modest amount with spending his disposable income. If you can't spend in your 20s when you have no responsibility when can you? It's a shame if this decade is seen only in terms of an opportunity to prepare for the future rather than to also live your life. Hopefully what he hasn't saved he's spent on experiences and fun, so may be in more of a frame of mind to settle in for the next few decades of being responsible with money.

pixie5121 · 27/05/2022 11:08

5128gap · 27/05/2022 10:26

I don't think its unreasonable that a 32 year old has combined saving a modest amount with spending his disposable income. If you can't spend in your 20s when you have no responsibility when can you? It's a shame if this decade is seen only in terms of an opportunity to prepare for the future rather than to also live your life. Hopefully what he hasn't saved he's spent on experiences and fun, so may be in more of a frame of mind to settle in for the next few decades of being responsible with money.

I don't think it's acceptable to have your parents subsidise your travel and fun in your twenties. I really don't. Very early twenties is one thing, perhaps a year or two living at home after university to get on your feet, but to be 29+ and spending all your money on fun while your parents work to pay the bills? I couldn't even imagine thinking that was OK.

Also, OP said he hasn't even travelled or even done anything of note, just frittered away his money on gadgets. He sounds like an absolute drip.

5128gap · 27/05/2022 11:23

pixie5121 · 27/05/2022 11:08

I don't think it's acceptable to have your parents subsidise your travel and fun in your twenties. I really don't. Very early twenties is one thing, perhaps a year or two living at home after university to get on your feet, but to be 29+ and spending all your money on fun while your parents work to pay the bills? I couldn't even imagine thinking that was OK.

Also, OP said he hasn't even travelled or even done anything of note, just frittered away his money on gadgets. He sounds like an absolute drip.

Show quote history

Yet most people think its OK for parents to subsidise their DC through university, which for many is a 3 year extension of childhood, quite unecessary to their future career; with contributions to house deposits, and to work and save to leave an inheritance to subsidise their children's lifestyle in middle age. Different families have different approaches, and if the parents are fine with it, its acceptable to them.