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Original poster

He lives with mum at 32

145 replies

Jazzeena · 25/05/2022 22:21

So I met a man recently who is awesome, but I’m not worried that he still lives with his parents (he never moved out). He says the reason is saving for house (but only has 10k in savings) making 25k a year. I have been living on my own since I was 18 (now 28) and managed to save over 20k while paying rent. I don’t want to be shallow, but finances are important. Also I’m worried about differences in maturity. What do you think ?

OP posts:
Moser85 · 26/05/2022 00:46

Do you know how long he has been saving for?
If it's been years and that's all he's saved then it's obviously terrible, but if say in the last year for example he thought shit better get serious about this and managed to save 10k then that would show commitment and a plan.

I'm not in the UK so I'm not sure about the lending criteria, but if he is only saving up in bits and pieces and he does eventually get enough for a deposit on a house, surely he would find it difficult to get a mortgage if he was saving so little when living at home?

Also you said he's not allowed to have anyone stay over, do you know his relationship history?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2022 00:50

DenholmElliot1 · 25/05/2022 23:19

Oh - hates living at home and cant have anyone stay over - yes I think I can guess what he's hinting at here.

Am I imaging things or do men seem to think that the purpose of a women is to provide a nice home for them to live in?

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner. Op, I'd bet good money this man would start to make a play to move into yours before you can turn around. You'd then have a cocklodger on your hands.

frozendaisy · 26/05/2022 01:02

Personally it would be a no from me.
Mainly because he has basically wasted his 20s (your best decade for fun and freedom) living with his strict parents.
No fun stories, well considerably fewer, passed from mummy to girlfriend.

Boring.
Just no.

Opentooffers · 26/05/2022 01:09

If he hates living at home and gets his style cramped that much, you really would expect him to have saved loads more than he has. Are you sure it's his parents he lives with? Have you been round and met them?

BadNomad · 26/05/2022 07:48

Is he a nice person? Is he house-trained? There are a lot of bad men out there. You can't judge that by whether they left home at 18 or still live there at 32.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 26/05/2022 07:54

I mean maybe he spent his money on fun stuff for a while (did he ever travel??)i spent my 20s & early 30s (as did my husband) moving home, saving up, going travelling for a few months, moving back and repeat for years - then we got our act together and got decent jobs and bought a flat !

MsEverywhere · 26/05/2022 07:59

SupportSpindle · 25/05/2022 22:42

Then at 32 he really should have a lot more savings. He's saved the equivalent of a grand a year from age 22, while not having big outgoings. It's not great.

Don't end up having him at yours all the time, not contributing to food, bills etc. You see a lot of it on here. Just be careful, is all I'm saying.

Show quote history

Yeah, he should have saved a fair amount by now.

Either he secretly likes living at home or he is a generally very unmotivated person who does not commit to changing things he does not like or achieving things he does want. And he prioritises immediate pleasure over long term goals. Those are not attractive qualities in a life partner.

TibetanTerrah · 26/05/2022 08:01

He's saved the equivalent of a grand a year from age 22

Yep. If my maths is right (haven't had coffee yet), that's £20 a week he's saving. Feeble!

I live in the SE where rents are expensive. However I'm on an unpredictable income which can be really low at times because I'm freelance. Yet somehow I manage to live alone, pay rent and bills and have money saved for a deposit to hopefully buy one day.

I've dated so many men who live at home in their 30s "to save". The problem is that they often lack the discipline to actually put that spare money away and just enjoy the extra disposable income. They might not like the lack of freedom and privacy but cannot stand the thought of having less fun money, so they stay with their parents. I won't date anyone living at home over 30 now.

Courante · 26/05/2022 08:12

I would be concerned too OP.
The whole picture doesn't add up to someone who is mature, independent and forward thinking.
I think it is fine to live at home at 32, sensible even - enabling you to save more rapidly and live in [probably] a nicer place whilst you do it. He's not doing that though (without a backstory saving £10K over 13 years in those circumstances is very poor), despite claiming to not like living at home - he's doing nothing to change that.
His parents haven't been doing a great job enabling this - and therefore infantising him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2022 08:14

No, just no.

I am yet to come across a man living with his mother that is able to have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. (As my BIL's girlfriend found out). Like BIL, he's living there because he wants to. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle of his mother. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or you weren’t as perfect as you should be.

The words ‘uphill struggle’ spring to mind. Raise your bar a lot higher going forward. Moving out is actually part of your personal development. Do the words responsibility and independence ring a bell here?.

And BIL is still living at home with mother.

Naunet · 26/05/2022 08:17

I wouldn’t, been there done that and it was a nightmare. He did a lot at home too, but when he moved in with me, he did fuck all, his parents were over involved in his life and he didn’t have the same sense of independence I had, he even wanted to check holidays with his parents before booking them.
I’d never again live with a man who hasn’t lived on his own.

Ecclesfreckles · 26/05/2022 08:24

Staying at home is ok if you're actually saving! My DP stayed at home till 32 but had saved £50k on a similar wage and had made an offer already. He might be a lovely person but lovely isn't enough for a relationship - you need someone who has the same attitude to finances, saving and life progression as you.

Also the religious parents not wanting you over is 100% NO. Don't get yourself tangled in that mess - that will follow you around for life even if he moves out.

Too many things stacked against him - best to bid goodbye.

girlmom21 · 26/05/2022 08:27

It's the lack of savings that would concern me. What's all his money going on?

Hallyup89 · 26/05/2022 08:44

Whilst it might not be the usual thing, I cannot see how it's any sort of problem that he lives with his parents. If he's genuinely a nice guy then just take it slowly. He's only just out of his 20s, and a lot of guys of that age would be spending their earnings. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Inthesameboatatmo · 26/05/2022 09:07

The living at home wouldn't put me off. What's giving me the ick is he has hardly any savings for the amount of time he's had. If he was serious about money he should be in a much better financial position tbh. Also he hates that he can't have anyone over sounds like he's going to be a cock lodger and will be at your place 24/7 doing fuck all.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 26/05/2022 09:20

HollowTalk · 25/05/2022 23:49

To be honest I could not put up with a young man who has everything going for him who says he hates living at home and yet has saved less than £1000 per year to move out. There is nothing worse than a moaning git who doesn't do anything to change his situation.

This.
Living at home past the age of about 25 was always a hard no from me. I’m much too old to date 25 year old men now so would be even more of an issue.

FinallyHere · 26/05/2022 09:28

he hates living at home - one of the reasons is that he can’t have anyone over)

Do you mean he can't have overnight visitors or that he can't have any visitors at all?

The former fair enough. I'm afraid that the latter screams 'living with his wife and family' to me. Sorry.

Daenerys77 · 26/05/2022 09:28

If he hates living at home, why doesn't he move out? Even a grotty house share is surely preferable to living somewhere where he is not happy and is not allowed to have sex.

BadNomad · 26/05/2022 09:34

Maybe he just enjoyed his money in his 20s instead of saving it. Nice car, new iPhone, good laptop, nice holidays etc And now he's starting to save up.

pixie5121 · 26/05/2022 09:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

BadNomad · 26/05/2022 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

I think it's great. I don't get the appeal of grinding all your life until retirement, when you're then expected to look after your grandchildren until you drop dead so their parents can grind all their lives until retirement when they're then expected to look after their grandchildren until they drop dead etc.

It's more fun to work hard, play hard, then settle down.

TibetanTerrah · 26/05/2022 10:03

Oh yes! PP said about him trying to move in with you soon enough, that happened to me too! Literally weeks into the relationship he would selflessly offer to come to mine to 'cook me dinner' and SIX DAYS LATER would still be here. I'd find items of his clothing he'd snuck into the wardrobe and he'd 'forget' his toothbrush and leave it behind on my sink.

These men get used to the easy option. Living at home, doesn't have to 'adult' fully, gets lots of fun money to buy his toys, then finds an independent woman, thinks of all the things he doesn't like about living with mummy, and thinks how great it would be to move into your place...

pixie5121 · 26/05/2022 10:06

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 26/05/2022 10:07

Are you sure he isn't married OP ?

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/05/2022 10:11

Don’t see the problem. Our eldest and family moved back with us so they could save for a deposit, now have their house.
our youngest has returned after living away for uni. Why throw money away on extortionate rents? Doesn’t make someone weird, just sensible.

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