He lives with mum at 32

[Jazzeena]

So I met a man recently who is awesome, but I’m not worried that he still lives with his parents (he never moved out). He says the reason is saving for house (but only has 10k in savings) making 25k a year. I have been living on my own since I was 18 (now 28) and managed to save over 20k while paying rent. I don’t want to be shallow, but finances are important. Also I’m worried about differences in maturity. What do you think ?

I firmly believe that people need to live alone for awhile before they marry or cohabit. People need to learn how to juggle finances on their own and how much work it is to keep the house clean and do admin while also having a fulltime job. These are things he needs to learn to become a good partner.

He is 32. Are you willing to wait until he has saved up enough for his own place, live alone for a year or two or more before taking the next step? He doesn't sound like he is in a hurry to move out tbh, but it could also be as a pp said that he only recently started saving, at his age he'd do better to save a massive lot the coming year and then rent something on his own for a while, while keeping the deposit for the future.

There is a big difference between someone living at home because it MAKES them more financially independent, they have an ultimate goal, they get on with their parents and relate in an adult way, and what you are describing.

You are describing someone who is a low earner for his age and sex (let's be honest), who hasn't managed to save much at all considering the circumstances, who is subject to his parents 'rules' and who professes to hate his living situation but who hasn't done anything about it.

I'd pass to be honest.

I think there's more important things about whether he has 10K, 20K, 50K or 0K in the bank.

Maybe he just had a great time in his 20s?

He is where he is, you can't change what went before.

He lives at home. Not in a bubble. Presumably he learned to get along with people at work and uni if he went. You don't know that he hasn't travelled. All you know is that he hasn't ever lived alone.

A lot of people go straight from living at home to owning their own home or with a partner. Some just don't do it as early as others. I'm one of them. Worked like a dog then bought my own home at 24. No flatmates. No emigrating. I haven't been abroad since I was 15. But I'm still a grown-up with life skills. Wish I'd enjoyed my youth a bit more though.

I have a friend who's bf still lives at home at 32.
Instead of them finding a place together she moved in with him and his mum. Then they decided to have a baby. Now she's saying she won't move out of his mums place because her OH is useless and it'll be like taking care of two kids when the baby comes and his mum does a lot for them.

I have to laugh because some people truly never grow up even when they decide to become parents. I feel sorry for his poor mum who probably wants to enjoy her retirement with her dogs but now there's going to be a baby and two entitled 30 odd year olds in her house.

She always brags about how much he earns so that doesn't seem to be the issue. Yet he chooses to blow it on weekend long benders with his mates.

I'd run for the hills op. If he can't look after himself and move out then he's never going to be a good support network for you

@pixie5121 you're making assumptions. You don't know how he behaves at home. The OP says he does a lot around the house and pulls his weight. He just doesn't pay rent. It's only sponging if it's unwanted. His parents sound like they have mouths in their heads, so if they wanted him to contribute financially, they would say so.

This setup is very common in a lot of cultures. It's ignorant and offensive to say those people are immature, sponging, big children lacking in life skills.

I'm from one of those cultures where people traditionally used to live at home and even that has been changing in the urban metropolitan areas for decades. Nuclear families are far more common now with the advent of women working outside the home. The only women now who are happy to marry a man who lives at home are those who will never work and have no other options but to be dependent on their in-laws. Also these cultures are notoriously patriarchal when men move from mum to wife with zero responsibility at home. Really not something to emulate in a country like the UK that is far more equal and advanced!!

Given OP is financially independent, of course this arrangement doesn't suit. Also money is the leading cause of divorce so of course having similar attitudes to financial independence and savings is important.

God no. Do you want to be a surrogate mum?

It would be OK if he had lived alone in the past...but, never moved out? Pft...you just know mummy still washes his pants. And he doesn't even pay rent? So he is tight into the bargain. Run, just run.

I actually was due a date with a 30 year old on tinder in similar circumstances. When I found out he had never left home I decided it wasn't for me as I 'needed to know a partner could stand on their own two feet'. He went absolutely apeshit. I was right - immature.

Don't do it op.

Also, you 100% sure that he isn't setting up this religious parents might not let you stay line because actually he lives with his wife,not his parents? Or because his parents know something about him that he doesn't want you to know? (Eg: divorced due to abusing his ex wife).

When ppl set up 'it'll be hard for you to stay over/meet my family' from the off...it's usually a con of some sort.

I've been with someone for 6 years who lives with his mother at 33. I still live with mine so I never batted an eyelid to be honest. Suppose if I was trying to date someone with their own home and a good job they'd look at me and see major red flags, so I opted for someone more on my own level.

Get rid mummy boy the worst.

The way I look at it these days it is so much cheaper to share and very hard for young people to get on the property ladder alone so I do not see anything wrong with it but I would expect the person to be contributing financially to the household plus helping with domestic duties plus e.g. fence painting. I am treating my ds that way anyway as he will be working and earning soon so he has to step up. Although mine is only 17 lol.

Depends on circumstances, whether he is independently living at home, or co-dependent on his parents etc.

I agree with the other comments - £10000 is a very small amount, unless there were circumstances. Ie. Divorce settlement, new fancy cars etc. My dc - now aged £22 manage to save that in three years, whilst renting a flat and fending for himself (although some of this time was spent at home during lockdown).

The only odd part is that he hasn't managed to save much. So weird that women (mothers?) are calling him a mummy's boy for living at his parents house - not just his mum's.

I'd wonder what he's don't with the rest of his income. Don't get why you'd late someone for living rent free, I would've loved to had a nice family I could live with. My children are welcome to stay at mine as they save up.

Side note: you can be a mummy's boy and have a wife and family. It has nothing to do with where you sleep. Again, he isn't sharing a bed with his mum.

I'd definitely be asking questions about the 10K. Someone who was genuinely 'living at home to save for a house' would have bought by now. Assuming he went to uni, lived at home during it (so minimal costs) and started working at 21, that's 11 years of earning. Where has that money gone? On 25K and living at home, he should have easily saved 10K in the last year alone.

It's not weird he only has 10k. As long as he's done something with it. holidays , hobbies etc

So many judgy people

Of course it is! If the purpose of living at home is to save for a house, then you save for a house, not go on holidays and blow all your spare cash. So he's not living at home to save, is he? He's living at home to have an easy life free of adult responsibilities.

If you'd like to date a grown man in his thirties who lives at home like a teenager while spending all his money on holidays and hobbies, more power to you. Some of us have higher expectations of people.

I think the money thing is the only red flag. Because if someone is saving, there's an end goal, and then they move out. With 10k, it's like, it's going to take another 10 years before he's got 20k

Exactly, I can only manage to save a few hundred per year, if that . If I had 10k after trying to save for 10 years while living life as you do in your 20s I'd be happy

That’s a thing - he didn’t go uni. He didn’t travel much. He bought a lot of electronics (all Apple stuff - laptop, iPhone, watch, tv…). I tried to have conversation about the little money saved, but he jumped in with how good he is with money and good with savings (I’m guessing he hasn’t been saving for the whole time, but still only 10k? I would save that in one year living rent free)