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Original poster

IWBU to separate now, wouldn’t it?

96 replies

teapoems · 25/05/2022 07:04

DH and I are having a hard time at the moment. I had a very close (platonic) friendship during Covid with another man; I fell for him, it wasn’t reciprocated, we broke off contact a couple of months ago. I’m still finding it incredibly hard to deal with that; I miss my friend every day. But even before that, sex between me and DH had been going down the tubes since DC2 was born six years ago. We haven’t had sex for months.

(Yes, we’re doing couples counselling. I still don’t see myself ever being able to want DH sexually ever again. We’re like housemates now. The idea of kissing or allowing him to fuck me feels unbearable.)

I’ve given a lot of thought to leaving, but my full-time salary is just over £22k. DH is the main breadwinner. The thing I’m thinking is that: current circumstances change things, don’t they? If the economy were stable, if there weren’t an impending food crisis, if fuel prices weren’t rocketing, then maybe I could struggle by on UC, but it’d be ridiculous to break up the family home and disrupt our kids’ lives just because I don’t want to have sex with my husband, wouldn’t it? Have other people found a way of making peace with a situation like this? (I’m not in a location or position to be able to study more to earn more; please take my word for that.)

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
teapoems · 25/05/2022 07:06

(Just to add: DH more than pulls his weight around the house, he doesn’t nag for sex, he’s patient and kind, and he gets up in the night as often as I do when one kid or another wakes up. No resentments or bad habits or anything; I just don’t want to have sex with him.)

OP posts:
YellowHpok · 25/05/2022 07:07

I don't think there is an easy answer to that. On one hand your husband deserves to be with someone that loves him and wants to be with him for reasons other than financial.

On the other, sometimes you have to give your head a wobble and realise what you and your family would lose if you don't get a grip and get on with it.

Were you having an emotional affair whilst doing couples counselling?

Honaloulou · 25/05/2022 07:08

Essentially you don’t like your husband much, but you want him to continue to find you.

It’s not the choice I would make.

Overthewine · 25/05/2022 07:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
teapoems · 25/05/2022 07:10

@YellowHpok No, the counselling started after that.

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/05/2022 07:11

It sounds like that friendship was headed for an exit affair.

I think in your shoes I’d think about what you want things to look like in 5/10 years’ time, and inch your way towards that. Yes that’s deceitful at some level to your DH - you’re pretending you’re still invested in the marriage - but that’s what I would do, so I’m not in a position to give high-handed advice about packing a bag and leaving tomorrow to be true to yourself.

I would say though that the aftermath of an infatuation can be long, and you may (may?) find your feelings towards DH become warmer over time. Only you can know this though.

Original poster
teapoems · 25/05/2022 07:13

Honaloulou · 25/05/2022 07:08

Essentially you don’t like your husband much, but you want him to continue to find you.

It’s not the choice I would make.

I don’t dislike him. I don’t know if I still love him, but I think he’s a good person. And it’s not about him “funding” me - it’s about wondering if it’s self-indulgent to break up at this time when everything economically is going down the shitter. In certain circumstances, should one just put up and shut up? (Or even put out and shut up?)

OP posts:
Girlintheframe · 25/05/2022 07:19

Personally, if you home life is tolerable I would wait a year or two until things are more stable economically. I think at the moment you would be going from one tough situation to a different but equally tough situation. Could you use the next year or so to improve your income/plan?

flashpaper · 25/05/2022 07:23

This is so cruel. If this were a man who said "I don't want to have sex with my wife so I had an emotional affair (because no matter how many times you say it was platonic, you fell for the guy, meaning it was not platonic at all). I can't afford to leave her because I only earn £22k and I'm worried about the cost of living" they would rightly get their arse handed to them and told that they should leave so their wife could find someone who loves them and wants to have sex with her. You're being completely cruel to your husband. Even the way you write about him is so flippant.

flashpaper · 25/05/2022 07:24

Can your husband afford to live alone?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 25/05/2022 07:25

I still don’t see myself ever being able to want DH sexually ever again. We’re like housemates now. The idea of kissing or allowing him to fuck me feels unbearable

you should tell him this ^^ then let him decide if he wants to be with you.

Original poster
teapoems · 25/05/2022 07:49

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow He knows. He still wants us to stay together.

@flashpaper Easily. He has a good income and a supportive, well-off family. And would they get their arse handed to them if they were concerned about the economic and emotional impact on their kids?

OP posts:
RingRingRed · 25/05/2022 07:54

Honestly? I'd probably take a little bit of time to ponder the things you've mentioned.

Yes I think things are going to be incredibly shit for the next few years for the entire world. But only you know how incredibly shit your actual life is now to be able to balance it out.

If you want to leave, you'll find a way.

Menopants · 25/05/2022 08:03

My husband is you except I found out about his affair. He put me through hell for over a year before I found out. Don’t think your husband is affected by your actions. Give counselling a good go then have an honest chat with him so that he can make an informed decision too.

Menopants · 25/05/2022 08:05

Sorry just saw your update. If you can chum along for the next few years and raise the kids without making each other miserable why not

Spitescreen · 25/05/2022 08:07

OP, does your DH still want to have sex with you, or does he feel similarly?

flashpaper · 25/05/2022 08:08

If your husband can easily afford to live alone then why can't the kids live with him? He can afford childcare, you could pay child maintenance and live as a single person on your wage.
Tbh, the fact that your husband can easily afford to live alone makes me think you're even more selfish, because you're hardly staying for both of you. Just yourself.

clippety clop · 25/05/2022 08:08

This was me 22 years ago. I divorced a nice kind man so that I was alone and lonely rather than married and lonely.

I met my soulmate and have been happily married to him for 18 years. You get one life, make it count for you.

Original poster
teapoems · 25/05/2022 08:14

@flashpaper What in anything I’ve said makes you think I want to just hand my kids over and spend no time with them? I think you’re reading more into this than I’ve actually said.

@Spitescreen He still wants sex with me.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 25/05/2022 08:18

flashpaper · 25/05/2022 08:08

If your husband can easily afford to live alone then why can't the kids live with him? He can afford childcare, you could pay child maintenance and live as a single person on your wage.
Tbh, the fact that your husband can easily afford to live alone makes me think you're even more selfish, because you're hardly staying for both of you. Just yourself.

This is bollocks - the whole point of marriage is that it’s a shared endeavour and that if you separate you should both be able to provide a similar level of care and financial support to the DCs. It doesn’t always work out that way of course, but a solicitor could help you to get an idea of how things could be split more fairly. You don’t have to leave your DCs and live as a single person. You could have 50/50 which could give you more time when they’re with him to earn a bit extra. The marital assets should be split so that you both get an even amount. It doesn’t usually happen that the higher earner would get the kids because the other one can’t afford to look after them.

lemongreentea · 25/05/2022 08:18

You don't like your husband or want to have sex with him ever again?

He wants to stay with you despite this.

It sounds like he wants to keep the status quo and the lack of sex with you doesnt bother him as he is getting it elsewhere, alongside emotional affection from someone else.

You sound lonely and miserable in your marriage but are not able to support yourself financially so can't leave for this reason alone.

Why don't you reconnect with the OM and see if he will support you financially.

R0tational · 25/05/2022 08:20

I feel bad for your husband too tbh. Just leave. You will likely find grass isnt greener but its the moral thing to do.

flashpaper · 25/05/2022 08:21

I don't think you want to hand your kids over and spend no time with them at all. Where did I say that? I assume your husband doesn't want to either, so why do they have to stay with you if you can't afford to have them alone?

I'm not reading more into this at all. You want to split with your husband because you don't want to have sex with him but you can't because he funds you. If you were a man saying this you'd be called a cocklodger.

Original poster
teapoems · 25/05/2022 08:23

@lemongreentea I do like him. The OM is off the scene (and as I said, my feelings weren’t reciprocated). And one can never be certain, but insofar as one can have a sense for these things, I’m sure DH isn’t getting it elsewhere (though I’m not sure that would bother me apart from the potential threat to our family; it’s difficult for him to have sex without feelings being involved).

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 25/05/2022 08:23

I have to say I wouldn't make any decisions now when you are still recovering from falling in love with someone else.

Live with your family and give yourself time. Things change a lot over a lifetime. Tbh you were in love with your husband once. It's not selfish imo to consider practical considerations and I'm no fan of rapid breakups, in my 50s I've seen a few in my friendship circle and the outcome is rarely brilliant. I agree though that things may change for your husband - many of us would quite like not having to be responsible for the end! Try to recover and build a rich life anyway.

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