Ok, my DH and I are pensioners (if that is relevant) and haven't had sex for many years now, due to his inability to get and keep an erection. I am reasonably sure that he has gone off me sexually - for reasonable reasons (sorry I can't be more specific here as it would be too outing), I may well have gone off having sex with me if I was him.
I did miss it a lot at first, and felt (and still do to a certain extent feel) that it is a personal rejection, but as it is a very understandable one I could not pursue it with him either then or now. He has absolutely never blamed me out loud for this situation, or given any physical or facial grimaces (except for the erection problem). He has a couple of medical problems now that probably contribute to it, but he didn't have them many years ago when this started. He did go to see his Dr a couple of times, who prescribed him a variation of viagra, but they didn't work - presumably for the same understandable reasons.
Apart from our sexual problems we are very close, and are very much a partnership - a team. I love him very much, and I believe he does love me a lot too. It is very unlikely that he ever had an affair with anyone, but if he had I couldn't really have blamed him. At that time - even though it initially covered some of my peri-menopause and then actual menopause period of time - I never lost my sexual appetite (it had always been very strong - and so had his, we were well matched in that area!) I would sort myself out when he wasn't around, but it was never anywhere near as good as having sex with him.
Over the years my sexual appetite has waned, probably due partly to the "if you don't use it, you lose it", and probably partly due to my change in hormones, and the fact that I am obviously not sexually desirable any more. But for about the last 6 months or so it has returned to a certain extent - no-where near to the 'good old days' levels, but enough to make me feel antsy, and to need to see to myself again in private.
The point that I am trying to make OP (and I know that I am taking far too long over it - sorry!), is that, as it has been so long since I had sex with my DH, and even though I still love him so much, I cannot imagining ever feeling comfortable enough with him for us to french kiss, and then have sex together. I would feel incredibly embarrassed and awkward to go 'there' with him after all this time. But with counselling maybe we could feel OK over it again - if of course the issues that started it all weren't still there. But they are, and nothing short of an actual miracle, can change that.
I know your circumstances are very different to mine @teapoems but I do think that you should probably have some counselling, on your own at first, to try and find out why you felt the need to have an emotional affair, and then you need to be honest with your lovely sounding partner. If you both feel that your partnership is worth working on and trying to save, then maybe joint sexual counselling may help you get over the sexual barrier that has been created in your head?
When we first meet a new potential sexual partner, if we weren't caught up in the highly charged, and passionate throws of an exciting new relationship (or even a one night stand), but saw them in maybe unexciting, ordinary day wear, in a normal day to day situation, eg on the bus, or in the queue in front of us at Costa, then if someone came along and said to you "it is very important that you two have sex together, and kiss and cuddle each other", maybe in a hunger games type of scenario, then you may well find it difficult to form a sexual arousal within yourself, because they are a stranger who you have had no small talk, or any other interaction with.
I think that there is a possibility that you are viewing your DH as if he is a stranger in at least a sexual way, and that maybe with counselling helping you two to gradually start holding hands when you go out, and then brief hugs, then maybe a few dates where sex is definitely not on the cards yet, etc you could build up to wanting him again?
But you do need to be fair to your partner, and let him know how you feel at this moment in time, and then, only if you both want to, try to make this relationship better than it ever was. So if you do want to try to save your relationship with your DH, please give him an honest informed choice first OP.