IWBU to separate now, wouldn’t it?

[teapoems]

DH and I are having a hard time at the moment. I had a very close (platonic) friendship during Covid with another man; I fell for him, it wasn’t reciprocated, we broke off contact a couple of months ago. I’m still finding it incredibly hard to deal with that; I miss my friend every day. But even before that, sex between me and DH had been going down the tubes since DC2 was born six years ago. We haven’t had sex for months.

(Yes, we’re doing couples counselling. I still don’t see myself ever being able to want DH sexually ever again. We’re like housemates now. The idea of kissing or allowing him to fuck me feels unbearable.)

I’ve given a lot of thought to leaving, but my full-time salary is just over £22k. DH is the main breadwinner. The thing I’m thinking is that: current circumstances change things, don’t they? If the economy were stable, if there weren’t an impending food crisis, if fuel prices weren’t rocketing, then maybe I could struggle by on UC, but it’d be ridiculous to break up the family home and disrupt our kids’ lives just because I don’t want to have sex with my husband, wouldn’t it? Have other people found a way of making peace with a situation like this? (I’m not in a location or position to be able to study more to earn more; please take my word for that.)

AIBU?

@Didimum this is honestly a genuine question - even if I had taken responsibility for developing feelings for someone else (and I know I spent too much time over lockdown in contact with that friend) - how would that help me decide whether or not it’s ridiculous to want to leave a non-abusive husband during a difficult economic period? Would taking responsibility make me more inclined to want to stay? I’m not sure how accepting that it’s all my fault (I know it is!) helps me figure out whether to stay or go. And none of the posters who want to castigate me for an emotional affair have done much to answer that.

To the posters who’ve advised staying put for now: thank you. I think you’re right. I’m not sure I’m in a good frame of mind to make any decisions. (@lemongreentea I have heard of limerence and it definitely rings bells, but like a lot of therapy, recognising something intellectually doesn’t seem to do anything about the feelings themselves.) I’m still unsure that counselling can resolve the sex issue, but if it can help to keep lines of communication open, then that’s something, I guess.

I think you should stay. But I think you should tell your husband exactly how you feel.

That if the economy wasn’t in the toilet or he earned a lot less (so standard of living wouldn’t be so impacted) that you would leave. He should be fully aware of the situation. Rather than him thinking you are working at it the marriage, when you are just waiting for a better position to go.

Ah yes, you mean for quoting your own words back to you? Criticism is something you’re at risk of receiving if you decide to share your personal business on the internet.

It’s entirely disingenuous to use the wellbeing of your children as a smokescreen when you were more than willing to risk that very same wellbeing in having an affair. The only thing that stopped you, per your own words, is that your would-be partner was unwilling.

It is, very clearly, all about you. You don’t seem to care about hurting your own family, yet you are liberal with the self pity. It’s the same old script men employ when they’re looking to justify their shitty behavior.

@Didimum this is honestly a genuine question - even if I had taken responsibility for developing feelings for someone else (and I know I spent too much time over lockdown in contact with that friend) - how would that help me decide whether or not it’s ridiculous to want to leave a non-abusive husband during a difficult economic period? Would taking responsibility make me more inclined to want to stay? I’m not sure how accepting that it’s all my fault (I know it is!) helps me figure out whether to stay or go. And none of the posters who want to castigate me for an emotional affair have done much to answer that.

Because you are using your husband financially even though you betrayed him and you have no intention of working on the marriage. If he is 100% aware and fine with the that your marriage is beyond resurrection and is still willing to houseshare then by all means, take that route - I understand that it’s more financially viable. Or are you willing to work on your marriage? Because please set me straight if that’s the case too.

I don’t believe you posted here looking for a discussion on what the right thing to do was. You had made up your mind and wanted validation for it. The right decision doesn’t just come down to what is right for you financially, it also comes down to what is right for the emotional well-being of your husband. Because if it’s detrimental to him, then it’s only the right decision for you - and that’s manipulative and selfish. He needs FULL disclosure from you in order for him to decide what’s best for HIS life. There will always be a reason why it’s not the best time to leave - be that emotional or practical - that doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t also get a say in what impacts his life.

If you had fully taken responsibility for the impact your affair had - on not only him and your kids, but yourself - then I don’t believe you’d be looking to make decision based on purely selfish gains.

@whumpthereitis No, the thing that stopped it was when we broke it off when I realised that my more-than-friendship feelings were getting out of hand and likely to cause problems and told him that, but go ahead and read what you like into it. (And yes, it is all about me on here, purely because I asked a question about my situation and tried to explain it. If I were to have spent several paragraphs talking about how bad I feel for DH and how I know I’ve been a shit, no doubt you’d find a way to tell me I was bullshitting and should have thought of that at the time. But if giving a sneery ticking off on MN gives you satisfaction, then fill your boots.)

@Didimum I’m confused that you say I have no intention of working on the marriage. We’re in counselling, and if we can make it work then obviously that’s going to be better for everyone. But in the circumstances I’d be an idiot not to be thinking pragmatically about what might happen if it doesn’t work out, especially as many people have said here that I’m somehow terrible for wanting to consider staying even though I’m no longer attracted to DH. Should I leave DH if that doesn’t come back? Ok, then I need to have in my head what that might look like and how it might affect the kids. “You had made up your mind and wanted validation for it”: no, I wanted people’s thoughts because I don’t know what the right thing to do is. DH knows how I feel. He still thinks we should work at it. I don’t know if my feelings will change in a while but as others have pointed out, it’s perhaps not the best thing for me to throw everything up in the air and see where it lands when I’m not in a great frame of mind.

To the posters who've advised staying put for now: thank you. I think you're right.

Of course you do. I agree with other posters, you already knew you were staying. You just wanted validation for it. You even wrote in the title that "IWBU to separate now, wouldn't it?" It's a leading question. You're asking for people to say yes, it would be unreasonable.

Oh fgs, the OP would be financially using her DH if she had been putting him in a situation where he had no choice but hand over money to her.
But in that case, he WANTS her to stay and make things work. Whatever the reason this is HIS choice and HIS decision.

How is that using him for his money if the OP is actually doing what he wants??

And tbh, I think many people are staying in relationships that are not perfect because of that. Maybe they are saying that they have settled instead. Or they are working on putting their ducks in a row. Or many other things that are basically saying ‘I’m shit scared if going for it alone financially so I’d rather put up with the current situation’.
The OP is no more using her DH as any of those posters. This is even more the case for the OP who has had some very frank conversations with her DH about her feelings, the OM etc…

Ffs. No, I wasn’t looking for validation. I DO NOT KNOW right now. On the one hand there are the “set your DH free to find someone else” voices, and I think they’re right - it’s not fair for me to unilaterally withdraw sex and expect him to cope with that forever. On the other, there’s a fucking economic crisis and I have kids to consider, even though many posters seem to have decided that I just popped them out and then shoved them off to one side while I skipped off on my own merry way. I wasn’t looking for validation, I was looking for advice and opinions, but if the only opinion is “you’re a selfish bitch and a shit mother”, well, thanks, but I’m quite capable of thinking that myself.

I think a step forward in recognising and admitting (to yourself perhaps) that this situation is one in which you are not passive is a big step forward. And also understanding your behaviour may help to stop you doing it again.

It sounds like, and I could be wrong here, that you will attach yourself to the next non-available person who you see even the smallest amount of attention from.

And ofcourse your husband, who sounds like a good man, doesnt deserve this and nor do your children.

But you must have known you'd get comments like this OP. You must have known that your situation reads like a completely selfish person who just wants to stay with her husband for financial reasons. So why are you getting so angry about it? There isn't only one opinion on this thread, you've got both opinions, yet you're only getting arsey about the ones that don't agree with the easy choice.

No, the thing that stopped it was when we broke it off when I realised that my more-than-friendship feelings were getting out of hand and likely to cause problems and told him that, but go ahead and read what you like into it.

When you told him your feelings, had he reciprocated I think this would be a very similar storyS I am sure you convinced yourself that it wouldn’t. But I am sure, that 3/4 years ago, you were convinced you wouldn’t be falling for another man and spending far too much energy on him, rather than your husband and kids.

Counselling isn’t only for repairing a marriage. You say you believe you won’t ever want sex with your husband again. You aren’t open to fixing the marriage. Your husband is thinking you are.

You would leave if you earned more or he earned less or the economy was better. I would beyond devastated and angry if I found out those were the main reasons do stayed with me.

You need to tell him the idea of him kissing you or ‘fucking’ you is unbearable. Be honest. You don’t fancy him and that won’t come back. The best he can hope for is that you both continue to live as husband and wife, but sexless.

I’m angry with the ones that say that I have no intention of trying to make the marriage work or who say that I don’t care about my children, because that reads more like personal attacks rather than based on anything I’ve said. I do agree that I need to take responsibility for what I did; I also agree that there’s a real risk I could attach myself to someone else, and that’s something I’m talking about in my own therapy. I’m not ignoring those who say I should leave, but when they seem mostly to be framed as “you’re a self-centred harlot and your DH will be well shot of you”, I do find it hard not to react defensively. Which isn’t good, I know, but those comments are not helpful to me.

@Andromachehadabadday ”You say you believe you won’t ever want sex with your husband again. You aren’t open to fixing the marriage. Your husband is thinking you are.”

This is a serious, non-defensive question: is it possible for desire to be rekindled through counselling? It feels very snuffed out now, has done for a long time. We’re doing counselling and I’m doing the work for it. But if acknowledging that I’m dubious about the return of desire means that I’m not being open enough, I’m not sure what I’m meant to do.

Things can be rekindled. To a certain degree.

but not from ‘unbearable’, imo.

and he deserves to know that. Counselling can’t make you fancy him. It can help many issues. But you just don’t fancy him anymore.

I’d also say that it’s assuming the only way to keep a marriage is if sex is happening.
But the DH has been accepting a situation where he isn’t having sex with the OP for a while. He still wants to make the marriage works. Who says that, in HIS world, marriage counselling will only work if they have sex again?

@teapoems I think sex can only be rekindle if you haven’t had the ‘ick’, for want of a better word. Not being interested in having sex with someone isn’t the same as being disgusted by it iyswim. So whether you can rekindle things will depend a lot on how you feel towards your DH.
In a more general sense, love can certainly be rekindle. But I wouldn’t want to try and have what you had before. It will be different Imo. And different doesn’t always mean nit as good as before.

“On the other, there’s a fucking economic crisis and I have kids to consider”

Are you serious? So the world wasn’t in crisis during the pandemic when you chose to have your affair? Where was the consideration for your family then?

You’ve made your decision. Good luck to you.

Who says that, in HIS world, marriage counselling will only work if they have sex again?

The Op says is hoping sex will be back on the table. That’s what he wants. Why would anyone presume someone would be happy in a sexless relationship.

maybe he will be happy in a sexless relationship. But as op isn’t being honest and telling him that she doesn’t see a change, he isn’t getting to decide.

Op can’t force a sexless marriage on him and do so by letting him think that’s what they are working towards.

That’s why she needs to honest. There’s a strong possibility it’s not going to happen. If he knows and wants to stay together anyway, then great. Everyone is happy.

I would also say if kissing or sex is an unbearable thought, then op has the ick.

I didn’t “choose to have an affair”. My feelings for a friend became more than friendly. I did nothing to act on those; I told him when it started to cause problems for me and we stopped being in touch. It’s not like I sat down in March 2020 and thought “man, this is dull, who can I focus my energies on instead?”

@Andromachehadabadday I have said to him that I don’t see that changing. He still wants to make a go of it.

Oh please. Come off it. You’re a grown woman. You knew exactly what your interactions with this ‘friend’ meant and you continued to invest time into it.

And now you are blaming your husband’s misplaced hope on your choice to continue to mislead and mistreat him.

They could stay with the husband, and as he’s not be supporting the OP financially any longer they could well not lose out financially.

OP insisting that she's only staying for her children's financial well-being doesn't ring true when she also says her husband earns decently AND has a wealthy, supportive family. If they would support him they would certainly support his children if they were really in danger of penury. So this is completely about her own lifestyle.

She also doesn't take into account that it's not totally in her hands. Her husband may be happy to be taken for a mug at the moment, but if he gets weary of that, or if he realises the extent to which OP is repulsed by him, he may be the one to start the divorce ball rolling. If I was his friend I would be advising him to do just that.

OP I would say that if you stay with him and continue to go to counselling, at least commit to trying to make this work properly. It doesn't sound like you even want to rediscover whatever made your marriage work initially. Were you ever attracted to your husband? What changed? If you don't even care about those answers it's truly dead in the water.

And lastly I'll say what I've said on threads like this before. You're pretending to us and yourself that you're staying for your children. And sure, they might have a bit more money for nice clothes as they're growing up. But what you're also doing is fucking them up by modelling an incredibly unhealthy relationship to them. I've known adults who grew up in households like yours and they all used drugs and alcohol as a crutch and couldn't sustain healthy relationships. Stay for the money by all means but best put some of that money aside for your kids' future therapy sessions.

I hope you have at least given your DH the green light to go and get sex elsewhere or you also expect him to live without sex if you don't leave him?

Because he thinks there’s a chance. Because he doesn’t realise that it’s unbearable for you.

I understand getting my arse handed to me for having feelings for someone else. But I’m honestly a bit appalled at the posters who seem to think that because I no longer want to have sex with DH (and yes, I’ve told him I don’t see that changing), I should just - what - give up my kids and hand them over to live with him full-time because I couldn’t afford to take care of them as well as him? Seriously, what Victorian horseshit is that?

You're getting the same advice a cheating man would get. If you’re unhappy the onus is on you to leave. Men are expected to forego primary residency of their children all the time, why do you think the same shouldn’t apply to you?

Incidentally, I’m not sneering. I just think it’s laughable that you’re dressing up naked self interest as concern for your children, when the reality is that it’s concern for yourself. You claim to have cut off contact when you realized it was inappropriate, yet in your opening post you claim it was because it wasn’t reciprocated. He didn’t want you (is he married too?), so you’ve slunk back to your safe bet while whining that ‘you miss your friend’, as if you’re so hard done by in this situation.