IWBU to separate now, wouldn’t it?

[teapoems]

DH and I are having a hard time at the moment. I had a very close (platonic) friendship during Covid with another man; I fell for him, it wasn’t reciprocated, we broke off contact a couple of months ago. I’m still finding it incredibly hard to deal with that; I miss my friend every day. But even before that, sex between me and DH had been going down the tubes since DC2 was born six years ago. We haven’t had sex for months.

(Yes, we’re doing couples counselling. I still don’t see myself ever being able to want DH sexually ever again. We’re like housemates now. The idea of kissing or allowing him to fuck me feels unbearable.)

I’ve given a lot of thought to leaving, but my full-time salary is just over £22k. DH is the main breadwinner. The thing I’m thinking is that: current circumstances change things, don’t they? If the economy were stable, if there weren’t an impending food crisis, if fuel prices weren’t rocketing, then maybe I could struggle by on UC, but it’d be ridiculous to break up the family home and disrupt our kids’ lives just because I don’t want to have sex with my husband, wouldn’t it? Have other people found a way of making peace with a situation like this? (I’m not in a location or position to be able to study more to earn more; please take my word for that.)

AIBU?

You are using him and holding you both back from finding satisfying reciprocal love elsewhere.

the only reason you’ve stuck around is the guy you fancied didn’t feel the same so your escape route/affair has a rashes and burned.

you can find a way to manage on less money.

Or you can stay in a dead relationship and keep using him for his money and leading him on that there’s a chance in hell of things working out.

No one said because you don’t want to have sex, you should lose your children. Interesting that you see this as you being the victim of other peoples ‘victorian horseshit’.

The marriage is over, unless he wants a sexless marriage. You have told him you may never want to have sex again, but that also that you are attending counselling in the hope of resolving that. However, he doesn’t know that the thought of even kissing him is unbearable. But that you did have sexual desire for the friend?

People are simply pointing out that you invested enough time in someone outside your marriage to develop feelings for them. Then told this person. The only reason that didn’t become an affair was because he didn’t reciprocate.

You know your marriage is dead in the water. Which is why you are asking if given your wage and an economic crisis, should you stay for now. People who are a future in their marriage, don’t ask that question.

You had the emotional affair. You are attending counselling under the pretence of fixing it, but deep down know it’s over. You don’t want the kids to have a drop in standards of living, which you feel they will have even though you work and will get a fair share in the divorce and likely get CMS (unless he is a twat) an option is to let him have kids the majority of the time.

If you didn’t think that anything you were feeling and thinking was a problem, then you would be honest. Tell him, that you absolutely won’t be having sex with him. That you haven’t lost the desire to have sex at all. But have lost the desire to ever have sex with him and the reason you are staying is due to the drop in lifestyle, you would suffer.

If you really believe your thought process is fine, that there’s really nothing wrong with it. Be honest with him. Tell him what you said in your Op. make him aware that if it wasn’t for money, you would be long gone.

I wouldn’t make the decision based on possible economic crisis. We always seem to be coming or going from one type or another. I was in my early 20’s when 9/11 happened and couldn’t believe how anyone would be going on to have kids with that, and the upcoming war - well, turns out, most people didn’t feel that way and the world goes on.

Would you be kicking yourself if it turns out in ten years that after a bumpy few months things improved with the economy and you’d stayed all that time in a sexless marriage? Even if your financial situation declines, sounds like his is stable and your kids would be fine overall. He doesn’t sound like someone to let them suffer (nor do I mean you have to hand them over 100%, you can do 50/50).

As long as you still have respect for each other (which it’s clear you don’t for him) it’s fine to stay in a sexless, loveless marriage if you’re both content to plod on that way. But, considering that your DH is attending couples counselling with you, I’m guessing that he is hoping things will improve, in which case it is cruel of you to keep him dangling for monetary purposes. Set the poor man free and get yourself some self respect while you’re at it.

OP, the key here is honesty. Sexless marriages do exist, and they can work, but only if both partners are on board with that, which it seems in this case, you’re not.

If a woman posted here that she and her DH were in a sexless marriage but that she was happy to stay like that as she still loved him then people would say that it was her life and if she felt that sex wasn’t everything then why not.

However, if a woman posted here that she was in a sexless marriage and that her DH had told her it was because he was repulsed by her, had already formed an emotional attachment to another woman and the only reason that hadn’t worked out was because the other woman didn’t share his feelings, but that he was going through the motions of marriage counselling because he didn’t want to lose his lifestyle she would rightly be told that she deserved better and that he was making a mug of her.

You need to be 100% honest with your dh. And that includes telling him you don’t actually love him but are using him for his money.

The reality here is that this isn’t your decision to make. Even the emotional attachment to someone else aside, the fac you said you don’t ever think you can see yourself “fucking him again” just screams contempt for him, and he really does deserve better. And so do your children tbh. Because they will grow up knowing that their mother treated their father with contempt, that she couldn’t even bear to have him near them. Money isn’t everything.

And you need to stop kidding yourself about the emotional connection with your friend. Right now you can say that you chose to walk away because you realised it was wrong. But in truth you walked away because he didn’t have feelings for you. And the only way you could possibly know that is because you obviously had a conversation around how you feel, hoping that it would be reciprocated. If he’d told you he felt the same way you would have slept with him by now. So even if you don’t want to be honest here, you need to be honest with yourself, and your dh.

And you need to realise that your DH has the right to leave, and could do so when you least expect.

So if you are that repulsed by him then at least be honest with him about it so he can make his own choices.

Why are you pretending it is about the children?
The least you could do is own the fact that it is all about you not being disadvantaged 🤷‍♀️

I don't think they are handing your arse to you on a plate for the reason you state.

People are getting frustrated because you seem to be self delusional about the realities of the relationship eg, that if the OM had been interested, you would have had a full blown affair - no question.
Also that you are cold and robotic in your statements about your DH. People can't imagine that you have given him all the facts when you state he is happy to just carry on.
Have you told him the full facts? No more sex ever and you consider you may find a similar attraction you had to OM with another one in the future (sorry I can't remember your exact words).
You seem to be calculating all of this with only your own interests (and marginally your DC whom you were happy to cheat on if OM had shown interest) at heart.
If your DH knew the full facts and that you basically have one foot out of the door already, I bet it would have a different look to it.

As for the economic crisis. What would be the next reason? Global warming? The next pandemic? We are going into an economic crisis we may never come out of in our lifetime.

There’s some people here who seem to think you need to be punished for not wanting sex with your husband - it’s some creepy, patriarchal nonsense. You shouldn’t feel pressured into sex you don’t want by anyone, including mumsnetters.

Who said she had to have sex with her husband. Who said she should be punished for not having sex with her husband? What is this ‘punishment’ you are talking about.

no one should be pressured into sex and no one said anything of the sort.

on the flip side, no one should be manipulated into staying in a marriage, thinking they are trying to make it work while the other one knows they are only staying for the money. No one should be manipulated into a sexless marriage, with the ‘well maybe one day after counselling’. No one should be manipulated to staying in a marriage where their partner finds them touching them unbearable. Or their partner does have sexual desire for others but just not them.

The husband is staying because he thinks they are trying to make it work, he thinks there’s a chance. Op is staying because of money. People who are doing couples counselling to genuinely try and fix their marriage are not also sat deciding to stay based on the economy.

That would be a fair point if anyone said that. Except they didn’t.

I can't be the only one who reads this and feels incredibly sorry for your husband. You aren't in love with him or fancy him. You had an emotional affair which you would have taken further and you are only staying because he earns enough money to look after you financially.

If you meet someone else who wants to be with you and has enough money, I guess you'll leave then??

Of course your husband is saying he wants to stay together, he is in love with you and hopes you will get the spark back.

You owe it to him to leave him. And if you cant afford to take the children, then you leave them with him.

You are not covering yourself in glory.

Because they could stay with their father who earns enough money to look after them?

I think that the fact you keep repeating you didn't choose to have an affair is disingenuous.

You might not have admitted to yourself, but pursuing a 'close male friendship' (in your own words) when you marriage is not going very well leaves you open to developing feelings. You must have realised that on some level.

You opened yourself up to the potential of meeting someone else rather than protecting the sanctity of your relationship with your husband.

You could have said to yourself 'now is the time to focus on sorting things out with DH rather than putting any energy whatsoever into this platonic relationship with another man'.

But you didn't.

I think you need to be honest with your H. You no longer want to have sex with him and you don’t see that changing. Staying together should be based upon both parties knowing where they stand.

You sound incredibly self obsessed. Leave, and live on less money. Dont stay and use him.

@teapoems what is the ideal outcome for you here? Ie what do you want to happen?

If you are clear on that then maybe you can start working towards it.

I'm not sure we are gettng the entire story here which is understandable. Can I ask have you wanted to/thought having sex with other men and felt it would be ok.

Other posters have mentioned the decision is not only yours to make. Your husband might want to have a sex life and it doesnt seem possible with you.

If you do divorce and assets are split equally you would manage but seem resentful his family would be able to help him out more whereas you dont have loving parents. Is that part of the reason you are reluctant to split?

I think it's more that you seem to only want to stay with him because of your own lifestyle. You aren;'t saying it'd better for the children to have the parents living together so much as talking about the economics.

Let's be honest here, it's only a matter of time before you stray again and end up getting kicked out anyway.

don't be that nasty person, let him be free to love someone else who respects him and loves him back. All your posts are about money, not your kids, his feelings, it's all about you, you selfish thing. The 'victorian horseshit' is your excuse for not earning, work harder, take 2 jobs if needs be but he gets to look for 50% of his children because they are his children as much as yours.

Why does this man needs to be let free? Can he not decide in his own whether he wants to stay or not?

The DH knows about the OP is feeling. He knows about the OM. And still HE HAS DECIDED TO STAY.
Who are you to then say that you know better than him and the OP should leave him?? How do you know better than him? How could the OP know better than him? She isnt deceiving him by saying she loves him when she doesn’t etc….

He knows how OP is feeling and he knows about the OM, but it's unlikely that he knows that the OP is only staying with him for his money. People have suggested being completely honest with him, sitting him down and saying "I had feelings for someone else, this may happen again in future. I find the thought of kissing you or having sex with you repugnant. I'm only staying because I can't afford to live on my own" and seeing if he still wants to make a go of it with all the bare facts in front of him.
He clearly wants to try and make a go of it currently. He's going through counselling with the assumption that the OP also wants to try and make it work, when she's basically already got one foot out of the door.

OP, I completely understand your predicament and I don’t think you are alone in this right now either. You’re obviously unhappy in your marriage or you would want to sleep with DH sometimes and wouldn’t have had feelings for someone else.
to instigate a divorce when things are ok almost feels like a violent thing to do to everyone involved. You will be contemplating the effect on your children’s lives, emotionally and practically, their social status and your own ability to be a good and present parent if dealing with emotional and financial difficulties. Your DH would also be in a difficult position emotionally and financially.
so please ignore the idealists on here who aren’t living in the real world.
make the decision that will be best for your immediate family now and it may change over time.