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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married lover

101 replies

TillyM1963 · 24/05/2022 12:02

I have been seeing a married man for 2.5 years. When I met him he told me his marriage was over a long time ago and he and his wife had not slept together for 5 years. 15 months ago I left my husband of 28 years for him and have been renting a house since. He told his wife 10 months ago that he had been seeing someone and he was leaving her. I think he expected his wife to break down and cry but she actually threw him out. (He is no saint, I know that, married 3 times and a confessed cheater). But he told me he loves me like he's never loved anyone before and wants to be with me. He lives with me at weekends and the odd day in the week. We spent Christmas and Easter at mine. Although his wife threw him out when he confessed to the affair, he went back to the marital home a couple of days later, his excuse was the property is jointly owed between them. He has delayed on the divorce (she started the proceedings) and neither has he sorted his finances out with her, neither has he given me a reason why not.
I did see a letter he had hid, from her solicitor. requesting yet again he gives financial disclosure. I also found a letter his wife had wrote to him, saying he has her blessing to leave the matrimonial home and set up home with me as she has had enough of his cheating, it wasn't a nasty letter, she wished him luck and hoped he had at last found the happiness he has been looking for the whole of their relationship (17 years, 10 of them married ones). So why will he not leave her and move in with me, am I wasting my time? Every time I ask him he clams up!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 24/05/2022 12:05

Yes I would say you are wasting your time. I'm not one to condemn anyone who has ever cheated, but this is far too much of a pattern of behaviour.

MissNothing1991 · 24/05/2022 12:06

Probably ashamed of himself, as should you be.

Theonlywayisup11 · 24/05/2022 12:08

It’s probably not as appealing to him now it’s not sneaky. Perhaps the realisation of his new life is not what he wants…sorry OP. But if you play with fire you are bound to get burnt. His wife sounds epic!

Fairislefandango · 24/05/2022 12:09

He is no saint, I know that, (married 3 times and a confessed cheater). But he told me he loves me like he's never loved anyone before and wants to be with me.

Oh come on, OP - that's the oldest line in the book. The only response you should ever have given to the knowledge that he's 'no saint' and a confessed cheater was 'See ya'. Of course you're wasting your time. Of course he won't leave you. Oh and he probably wrote that letter 'from his wife' himself to help him keep stringing you along.

BattenburgDonkey · 24/05/2022 12:09

Of course you are wasting your time, it couldn’t be more obvious. He is living with his wife, delayed his divorce and won’t tell you anything about why, it’s because it doesn’t plan to leave his home with her, but he likes having you on the side.

lucylooareyou · 24/05/2022 12:12

Baffling how you cant see how much of a time waster he is.

He is refusing to divorce his wife.

He is still living in his marital home half the week.

He is completely having his cake and eating it too.

Even if he eventually sorts his shit out and moves in with you, you can gaurantee he will cheat on you too.

seensome · 24/05/2022 12:13

He doesn't want to, he's already got a comfortable home and a wife that hasn't chucked him out, unless he has nowhere to go he won't be with you. Why would you want him, he would do the same to you. I wouldn't believe for a minute there's anything more special about you, his love bombing techniques are used on all the women he's been with, including his wife now.

Giveitall · 24/05/2022 12:14

Dump him! Don’t waste another minute of your life on him. You are wasting your time & life is too short.

Bellyups · 24/05/2022 12:14

LOL

greensquirlyma · 24/05/2022 12:14

Either he doesn't want to lose his wife or he doesn't want to lose his house/lifestyle/finances. Or it could be a bit of both.

ElenaSt · 24/05/2022 12:16

He sounds like he thrives on having an affair which is why he's cheated on all his long-term partners/wives.

Once he moves in with you then you are no longer having an affair so the excitement and the thrill is gone for him and it's just like being back with a wife again.

MagicTurtle · 24/05/2022 12:17

Honestly OP, even if he did stop delaying the divorce and move in with you, why would you want this man? He's a liar and a cheat, not just once but on multiple occasions. This man says he loves you because he doesn't understand what love is. Don't you think you deserve better?

mosside · 24/05/2022 12:17

You sound like my mum OP! She left my dad for a man who promised he was leaving his wife but never actually did

HaggisBurger · 24/05/2022 12:22

Jesus woman. Catch a grip. Please.

Bunty55 · 24/05/2022 12:28

Once a cheater always a cheater and a liar in this case I would say OP

Cr3ateAUsername · 24/05/2022 12:30

Why do women insist on sleeping with married men then act shocked when things like this happen 😂

TabithaTittlemouse · 24/05/2022 12:30

Why would he leave everything when he can have his cake and eat it.

You and he are both disgusting.

stepuporshutup · 24/05/2022 12:30

Op have you divorced your husband? I agree with all pp upthread he does not want you full time. He is a liar and a cheat and hiding letters makes it obvious he is not interested in a divorce. Bin him and move on

Toddlerteaplease · 24/05/2022 12:33

More red flags than a communist party outing.

YRGAM · 24/05/2022 12:36

Lol

Sunnysideup999 · 24/05/2022 12:38

Judge someone by their actions, not their words OP

Branleuse · 24/05/2022 12:39

You know the answer OP.
He prefers to be married and have lovers on the side. He thought his wife would cry and be devastated but actually shes just sick of his shit and has said that youre welcome to each other.
Hes now floundering. His whole image of himself as a lothario that women all want secret affairs with,has come crashing down. All the excitement and secrecy has gone.
Even if he came to you now, it will soon be you washing his skiddies while he seeks excitement elsewhere.

Raise your standards

Bibbetybobbity · 24/05/2022 12:39

If this is real then OF COURSE you’re wasting your time…

thenewduchessoflapland · 24/05/2022 12:42

Round of applause for his wife;what an absolute champ she is.

Sounds like he's panicking as he's realised the financial cost of a divorce from her;he might have come off badly prior to that.

Considering the future ex wife has told him to move out you have to wonder if he's really at her house or simply back up to his usual tricks again.

You've reaped what you've sown here.Do yourself an enormous favour and ditch him too.

Powerplant · 24/05/2022 12:43

This can’t be real…