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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married lover

101 replies

TillyM1963 · 24/05/2022 12:02

I have been seeing a married man for 2.5 years. When I met him he told me his marriage was over a long time ago and he and his wife had not slept together for 5 years. 15 months ago I left my husband of 28 years for him and have been renting a house since. He told his wife 10 months ago that he had been seeing someone and he was leaving her. I think he expected his wife to break down and cry but she actually threw him out. (He is no saint, I know that, married 3 times and a confessed cheater). But he told me he loves me like he's never loved anyone before and wants to be with me. He lives with me at weekends and the odd day in the week. We spent Christmas and Easter at mine. Although his wife threw him out when he confessed to the affair, he went back to the marital home a couple of days later, his excuse was the property is jointly owed between them. He has delayed on the divorce (she started the proceedings) and neither has he sorted his finances out with her, neither has he given me a reason why not.
I did see a letter he had hid, from her solicitor. requesting yet again he gives financial disclosure. I also found a letter his wife had wrote to him, saying he has her blessing to leave the matrimonial home and set up home with me as she has had enough of his cheating, it wasn't a nasty letter, she wished him luck and hoped he had at last found the happiness he has been looking for the whole of their relationship (17 years, 10 of them married ones). So why will he not leave her and move in with me, am I wasting my time? Every time I ask him he clams up!

OP posts:
RoonilWazlibb · 24/05/2022 16:16

@TillyM1963 why are you not coming back to tell us if you're the wife or mistress?
Do you not know how to name change?

RoonilWazlibb · 24/05/2022 16:16

@TillyM1963 why are you not coming back to tell us if you're the wife or mistress?
Do you not know how to name change?

Zemw · 24/05/2022 16:54

Ha. Hahahaha.

whatstheteamarie · 24/05/2022 17:19

He wants to be in control.

If he stays living with his wife he can control the finances, control her moving on with her life (bit tricky for her to date with him living in the home), still have you on the side waiting patiently for him.

If he divorces his wife, she has control of her own finances, he will have less, he can't control who she sees and he's forced to be with you all the time (& presumably you'll keep him on a short leash as you know what he's like).

By divorcing he loses, by keeping the status quo he wins.

This isn't about you at all, it's all about him.

orangeisthenewpuce · 24/05/2022 17:20

Because he doesn't want to you daft woman.

lunar1 · 24/05/2022 17:45

He's gutted, he wanted her to do the pick me dance.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/05/2022 17:49

lunar1 · 24/05/2022 17:45

He's gutted, he wanted her to do the pick me dance.

I think you have it, @lunar1

He thought he was in control of 2 competing women, & is gutted that only OP is daft enough to fall for it.

wellhelloitsme · 24/05/2022 17:56

So why will he not leave her and move in with me, am I wasting my time?

Because he doesn't want to. And yes, you are.

Why the fuck do you want to be with this bloke?

What a very, very low bar you must have when it comes to finding a partner.

Worth exploring in counselling and leaving him and her well alone.

Their marriage has absolutely nothing to do with you. The sooner you get your head around that, the sooner you can disengage completely and walk away. Their marriage is literally none of your business.

wellhelloitsme · 24/05/2022 17:57

lunar1 · 24/05/2022 17:45

He's gutted, he wanted her to do the pick me dance.

Completely agree.

Thought she'd beg him to stay and instead she told him to get to fuck and move on.

Thought she'd beg to stay married and instead she filed for divorce. Now HE is the one delaying it.

I like the sound of his wife and I hope she gets rid of him permanently soon.

Mumoblue · 24/05/2022 17:58

Aside from the fact that this sounds too cliche to be real, he’s trying to have his cake and eat it to.

As for you, you’ve played a shitty game and won a shitty prize.

2pinkginsplease · 24/05/2022 18:03

He hasn’t left and moved in with you because he doesn’t want to, you were fun when you were a secret but now it’s all out in the open, the secret sex isn’t as exciting or fun anymore!

PurassicJark · 24/05/2022 18:04

Maybe your ex husband will take you back now that you've been rejected by your affair partner? 😂

wellhelloitsme · 24/05/2022 18:08

Was your other thread from a year ago a very, very elaborate reverse then? With you pretending to be his wife? Curiouser and curiouser.

newnamethanks · 24/05/2022 18:11

Oh why? Darling, please forgive me, you know she means nothing to me, look at what we have together (years, cash, insurances, pensions, house, kids etc) I promise this would be the last time, just a fling, she won't leave me alone. . . Wake up OP. Find another.

TokyoTen · 24/05/2022 18:54

I'm not going to judge you OP. But please, if this is true, for your own sake dump him and find someone who you can trust and be trustworthy yourself. Any life with him will honestly be a constant shit show.

greatblueheron · 24/05/2022 20:01

He doesn't actually want a divorce. he's protecting his assets and trying to wear her down into keeping him and the status quo ... ie married with women on the side. You're the current woman.

picassobride · 24/05/2022 21:55

He's not that into you is the simple answer. You were fun to fuck but are not worth the time and effort of a proper relationship.
Sorry.

Lex345 · 24/05/2022 22:54

Worst Mills and Boon ever

Deadringer · 24/05/2022 22:58

He sounds like a waste of fucking space. His wife was far too good for him, you probably are too.

Rainbowshit · 24/05/2022 23:11

You need to read the chumplady website. Particularly the 180 part. He probably thought she'd do the pick me dance. The wife played a blinder. This guy is no catch, kick him into touch.

AlternativelyWired · 24/05/2022 23:14

I shouldn't laugh but...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 no sympathy. Cheaters deserve a special place in hell.

Butterfly44 · 25/05/2022 06:28

Ok...so he's told the wife and "separated " and dragging heels on the divorce. Yes the finance side of things is hard but it has to be done.

I don't understand why he moved back into the marital home. Have they got kids? Anyway, this is the red flag. Though saying this I know a couple who are separated in their marital home and in full relationships with other people. I find that weird but it's finance and kids driven. Anyway 2.5years is a long time. I don't think you're being misled unless you feel it, but you need some ultimatums here. He needs to move out/do the divorce paperwork. Break up and say you'll not see him again, you'd be happy to talk to him when it's done.

girlmom21 · 25/05/2022 06:43

How will you ever trust this man?

He's being a dick and prolonging this whole shitty process for her while dragging you along for the ride. Dump him.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 25/05/2022 06:51

I have been seeing a married man for 2.5 years. When I met him he told me his marriage was over a long time ago and he and his wife had not slept together for 5 years.

Yeah, and the moon is made of green cheese.

Do women really still fall for this BS?

Get a grip OP and just dump the lying POS

knittingaddict · 25/05/2022 07:10

EurovisionTragic · 24/05/2022 15:11

This is a reverse

There is another, more likely explanation. The op forgot who they were. Wife or lover? It's tricky keeping track.