Page 5 | Would you want to be told by an unknown person if your husband was cheating on you?

Anonladyx · 2022-05-22T19:31:09+00:00

It’s a very long story and can’t post too much on here without spilling out a lot of information, but would you want to know?

Fuzzy303 · 23/05/2022 11:50

yes, I would definitely want to know

Sistanotcista · 23/05/2022 11:51

Yes. Definitely. I would rather know than not know, for sure.

Tq231442 · 23/05/2022 11:55

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

I would still have appreciated it. If you weren't ready to leave that's your issue, but if she was nervous and got drunk beforehand and told you, I would still be thankful.

You remind me of my friend who I told was being cheated on and she promptly quit talking to me. She claimed she didn't like the "way" I told her - that was bullshit. She didn't like being told bad news and didn't want to confront the fact she was being cheated on.

TenoringBehind · 23/05/2022 12:07

Yes

Tq231442 · 23/05/2022 12:10

AlternativePerspective · 23/05/2022 06:28

If you’re going to be instrumental in destroying someone’s marriage then you need to own it.

I have no time for people who decide to do this anonymously. It’s gutless and absolves them of responsibility.

And for the people who say that it’s the cheater who is destroying the marriage, the anonymous busy body knows absolutely nothing about this marriage, nothing about the person they’re telling, nothing about what might happen afterwards. And as the person who drops the bombshell then walks away they’re not there to support the person afterwards.

So in essence, if you’re not going to own it then stay out of it.

Personally I think that most people who tell anonymously are either the OW/OM or they’re jealous that they’re not.

WHAT? The only person "instrumental in destroying a marriage" is whoever is cheating. What kind of a weird mentality is this?

5128gap · 23/05/2022 12:13

Absolutely not.
For one thing, unless they literally walk in on them having sex, all you have is hearsay, assumptions and guesswork, and half a story can be worse than none.
I would also rather manage my own relationship first hand, rather than have some busy body deciding what I should or shouldn't be aware of.
It almost never done with the right intentions. At best it's projecting what they would want on to someone else they know nothing about; at worst it's a bit of drama at someone else's expense, so I disagree with this sort of tattle taling on principle.
If it was a close friend or relative telling me, who knew my circumstances, that would be different.

TicTac80 · 23/05/2022 12:15

I’d want to be told. When I was a teenager, my then boyfriend cheated on me. My best friend found out about it and gave him less than 24hrs to tell me or she’d tell me. He dumped me and I found out why. But I was so thankful to my best friend.

when XH was cheating on me with OW, I wish so much that someone could have told me sooner that he was cheating. A friend did tell me (but had been drumming up the courage to tell me). I could have got my head straight sooner and filed for divorce sooner.

justamushypea · 23/05/2022 13:26

@Summersolargirl
By concrete I mean I'd need at least a name and a bit of context.
Rather than just a message saying "DH is having an affair"
Presumably if it was the ow who sent the message she would know details wouldn't she.

BlueIvy11 · 23/05/2022 19:49

Nope. Stay the hell away from it. I started seeing a guy once and he turned out to be married. I only found out by a picture. His wife wanted to know so I told her and she went on a huge revenge thing against me. Emailed my employer, stalked me and harassed me. Made fake accounts on social media and messaged my family. She followed me to my child's school. It was horrible. She now has a harrasment order on her so she can't come near me.

I'd never tell anyone again! It's made me extra cautious who I date now also.

mumieone · 24/05/2022 23:44

Yes

SandyY2K · 24/05/2022 23:53

Knowledge is power.
There are far too many weak people, who rather hide from the truth and tolerate crap.

You could get an std transmitted..one which potentially harm an unborn child.

OP - You need evidence if you're telling someone you don't know. Irrefutable evidence...because even when faced with it, some women still bury their heads in sand

geordieprincess · 25/05/2022 09:17

Please stay out of this - particularly if there are children involved. Life is not just 3D mumsnet. What you should do is tell him that if he doesn't stop then you will tell his wife. Otherwise do nothing. This is not your life to interfere with.

Mumoblue · 25/05/2022 09:20

Yes, but I’d want evidence. Cheaters are good at manipulating people and covering their tracks, so you need something concrete.

5128gap · 25/05/2022 09:42

SandyY2K · 24/05/2022 23:53

Knowledge is power.
There are far too many weak people, who rather hide from the truth and tolerate crap.

You could get an std transmitted..one which potentially harm an unborn child.

OP - You need evidence if you're telling someone you don't know. Irrefutable evidence...because even when faced with it, some women still bury their heads in sand

How very arrogant. You get to decide that 'weak' people need to face up to the truth? The truth being the truth as you know it, generally based on gossip, hearsay and curtain twitchery? The only way you can ever know the truth and have 'evidence' is if you are the affair partner, in which case you've no business judging the primary partner for their so called 'weakness'. I get that some people enjoy the drama and the feeling of self importance of being the barer of the news, but really, just own that, don't try to turn it into a moral crusade.

ValerieCupcake · 25/05/2022 14:44

5128gap · 25/05/2022 09:42

How very arrogant. You get to decide that 'weak' people need to face up to the truth? The truth being the truth as you know it, generally based on gossip, hearsay and curtain twitchery? The only way you can ever know the truth and have 'evidence' is if you are the affair partner, in which case you've no business judging the primary partner for their so called 'weakness'. I get that some people enjoy the drama and the feeling of self importance of being the barer of the news, but really, just own that, don't try to turn it into a moral crusade.

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I see what you mean. But then you don't want people living song lyrics like:

I don't care about your other girls, just be good to me / I'd rather have a piece of you than all of nothing (Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty)
So don't be sorry, baby I guess you think I'm crazy but to be there when you want me is enough (3 degrees)
Ooh boy please don't ever take the heat off me 'cos it would hurt even more if you'd ever ever leave (Susan Cadogan)
We got a thing goin' on, we both know that it's wrong (Me and Mrs Jones)
Stealing moments just to be with you though it's wrong it's hard to tell the truth, oh no she don't have to know (John Legend)

These lyrics are shocking. On top of all he 60s crap about don't leave me baby. Apologists for cheating. If I knew my friends' partners were cheating I would tell the partner - tell her yourself by X otherwise I will tell her.

I'd expect it back myself.

5128gap · 25/05/2022 14:49

ValerieCupcake · 25/05/2022 14:44

I see what you mean. But then you don't want people living song lyrics like:

I don't care about your other girls, just be good to me / I'd rather have a piece of you than all of nothing (Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty)
So don't be sorry, baby I guess you think I'm crazy but to be there when you want me is enough (3 degrees)
Ooh boy please don't ever take the heat off me 'cos it would hurt even more if you'd ever ever leave (Susan Cadogan)
We got a thing goin' on, we both know that it's wrong (Me and Mrs Jones)
Stealing moments just to be with you though it's wrong it's hard to tell the truth, oh no she don't have to know (John Legend)

These lyrics are shocking. On top of all he 60s crap about don't leave me baby. Apologists for cheating. If I knew my friends' partners were cheating I would tell the partner - tell her yourself by X otherwise I will tell her.

I'd expect it back myself.

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I think there's a massive difference between telling a friend and telling a stranger whose husband is your colleague.
With a friend you would at least have some idea of whether she would want to know, and could be there to help her pick up the pieces. It's very different from a hit and run approach to someone whose circumstances are unknown to you.

prohodilka · 25/05/2022 15:41

I'm a man and I'd rather not be told, good for her if that's the case.

And if I'm told I'm not going to be doing anything about it either, so it won't make a difference.

"Cheating" is not a word in my vocabulary, see? There's just various levels of social interaction and personal involvement, some involving the main partner, some involving other people. When she's not with me (which means all day long while she's out the home) she can do pretty much as she pleases. I never ask and do not need to know.

SandyY2K · 25/05/2022 22:55

@5128gap

How very arrogant. You get to decide that 'weak' people need to face up to the truth? The truth being the truth as you know it, generally based on gossip, hearsay and curtain twitchery? The only way you can ever know the truth and have 'evidence' is if you are the affair partner, in which case you've no business judging the primary partner for their so called 'weakness'.

I'm not talking about gossip and hearsay....or flimsy stories. I mean iron clad irrefutable evidence and the affair partner is NOT the only person who can know the truth. I've known the truth about an affair and I wasn't the AP.

Many women just don't want to face up to the truth and it IS a sign of weakness IMO, unless they want to be in a one sided open marriage. If you accept there is an affair, bit decide to stay, that's up to you, but it's the denial that it's happening in the face of irrefutable evidence that I struggle to understand....but I've never been one to take they kind of treatment from a man.... and I've raised my daughters to be strong in that aspect too.

Some will have all the facts..photographic evidence, text messages, yet still they're in denial. It baffles me.

SandyY2K · 25/05/2022 23:08

I think there's a massive difference between telling a friend and telling a stranger whose husband is your colleague.

As I say, knowledge is power. Once you have the evidence, if you decide to stay and continue being cheated on...it's your decision, but at least you have the truth, which is more than you're getting from the man who vowed fidelity.

The truth is the truth, no matter who tell you. I stand by that.

ValerieCupcake · 25/05/2022 23:29

prohodilka · 25/05/2022 15:41

I'm a man and I'd rather not be told, good for her if that's the case.

And if I'm told I'm not going to be doing anything about it either, so it won't make a difference.

"Cheating" is not a word in my vocabulary, see? There's just various levels of social interaction and personal involvement, some involving the main partner, some involving other people. When she's not with me (which means all day long while she's out the home) she can do pretty much as she pleases. I never ask and do not need to know.

Are you for real? You clearly don't believe in monogamy. Or you are trying to have a laugh.

SandyY2K · 25/05/2022 23:52

Are you for real? You clearly don't believe in monogamy. Or you are trying to have a laugh.

Yeah...I'm thinking this is a case of
DADT.
Don't ask, don't tell.

Where they both do as they want, but just don't discuss it.

boobot1 · 26/05/2022 17:46

Comedycook · 23/05/2022 10:26

No... ignorance is bliss

Really? I will never understand that mentality, who want to be with a man who thinks its ok to betray his wife and gaslight so his wife remains ignorant of his twatiness! I really find that unbelievable.

5128gap · 26/05/2022 18:42

boobot1 · 26/05/2022 17:46

Really? I will never understand that mentality, who want to be with a man who thinks its ok to betray his wife and gaslight so his wife remains ignorant of his twatiness! I really find that unbelievable.

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I have a friend (genuinely, it isn't me!) who has always said she would not want to be told. She maintains that the advantages of her marriage are so great to her that she wouldn't leave it even if her H cheated. Her take on it is, given that, why on earth would she want to be hurt and upset for no reason. She is not weak in the slightest, she has made a decision that suits her, which is her absolute right. I believe there are many people (men and women) who feel similarly.
Personally I struggle to understand why the 'I would want to know' people can't conceive that everyone is not them, and feel they have the right to blunder in on a stranger's life because they're so convinced they know best. Staggering arrogance and a lack of emotional intelligence/experience.

geordieprincess · 26/05/2022 18:58

5128gap · 26/05/2022 18:42

I have a friend (genuinely, it isn't me!) who has always said she would not want to be told. She maintains that the advantages of her marriage are so great to her that she wouldn't leave it even if her H cheated. Her take on it is, given that, why on earth would she want to be hurt and upset for no reason. She is not weak in the slightest, she has made a decision that suits her, which is her absolute right. I believe there are many people (men and women) who feel similarly.
Personally I struggle to understand why the 'I would want to know' people can't conceive that everyone is not them, and feel they have the right to blunder in on a stranger's life because they're so convinced they know best. Staggering arrogance and a lack of emotional intelligence/experience.

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Yes absolutely this! Keep out of other people's lives.