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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Task avoidant husband rant...

90 replies

citychick · 22/05/2022 19:55

Evening.

Partner is now WFH and I work out of the home. I'm working 6 day weeks atm and I'm fast running out of steam. I think I just need a rant, but my God it's hard work when the boys in the house don't pull their weight.

DP spends all his time hidden away in his work room "working ". DC has homework and tests coming up but i come home to find gaming or YouTube on, little work done and certainly no supervision.

I dump my bags, head towards the kitchen to begin cooking, clearing up the mess, sort out laundry and so it goes on... yes, we've had the " everyone needs to pull together " conversations but nothing ever happens and I've lost trust in them that it ever will.

DP simply does not care. He's been like this for 20 yrs. He's not interested in the domestic side of life. Gardening, cooking, laundry, car washing, etc. He just wants to sit and read. That's all he does. Read and work. He's with DC at weekends because I'm working those atm, but once the sports runs have been done he's straight upstairs and back to his laptop.

I'm sitting in the kitchen and I can see he's sitting on the sofa reading. I want to hit him over the head with one of the dirty pans he's left on the hob.

Rant over. I feel a tiny bit better. 😖

OP posts:
mackthepony · 23/05/2022 23:56

They're all very academic and don't even notice fancy stuff and/ or mess. sigh.

^

That old chestnut

Believe me stupid people don't notice either. Just because someone is academic or not doesn't excuse it!

badhappening · 24/05/2022 07:16

I really sympathise, having been there.

In reality I think it’s very difficult to get leopards to change their spots, but there’s always more than one way to skin a cat.

Get a really good cleaner to come in for a couple of hours 2 days a week. (Mondays and Fridays). Pay half each if he won’t cover the cost.

Get a gardener as well - once a month(?).

Food shop online delivered to your house.

You cannot carry on with the way it is because you will break under the sheer pressure and resentment.

(This is exactly why I’m ‘trying’ to make my lazy DS (also 15), do some tasks: bringing washing down, emptying the dishwasher and bins etc). I’m very lucky with my DH though.

I’ve seen lazy arses and I also lived with a very entitled one (far too intelligent and important to lift a single finger). I really wouldn’t tolerate it ever again for anyone.

AgentJohnson · 24/05/2022 07:26

I've given as good as I've got for 20 yrs.

Nice words but that’s all they are. The reality is he’s a lazy bugger and you enable him by there being no consequences for his behaviour.

Waiting for him be different is why you’ve been with him for 20 years. Your son is not being helped by his father’s behaviour and he’s probably going to emulate his parents relationship by finding someone to mother him just like his dad did.

KangarooKenny · 24/05/2022 07:51

I know you don’t want to LTB, but if he won’t change and this is it for the rest of your life, what will you do ?

GingeryLemons · 24/05/2022 08:02

It seems like you're rather miserable, OP. You don't exist to merely serve others.

rumred · 24/05/2022 11:11

@citychick you call him task avoidant, your posts suggest rather that he is lazy, selfish and sexist.

Only you know if you want to spend what's left of your life with someone like your h.

citychick · 27/05/2022 09:48

Thanks for your replies. much appreciated.
Enjoy half term/ Jubilee weekend.

City x

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 27/05/2022 09:51

You’ve had the conversations, they haven’t worked. Take care of yourself for a week or two. Your cooking/washing up/washing. Only.

Cherrysoup · 27/05/2022 20:49

What happens when you mention/ask/tell him to clean up/make dinner? Have you ranted/shouted? Do things change if you do? This fascinates me in a morbid way, I can’t imagine my DH lying round all day.

Has he got family money? Employ a cleaner that he pays for!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2022 21:16

Honestly op. I haven't read all the replies. I love being divorced. Utterly love it. The freedom, the bliss, the peace. I know it's not for everyone, but fuck, it's nice. I'm drunk.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/05/2022 22:12

This evening I hadn't prepared any dinner. I got home around 7pm to see nothing bought or prepared, yet again.

I ran out to get some essentials and grabbed sausages for ds to snack on. which he did but was closely followed by DH who happily finished them off. ugh.

But WHY did you run out again?
Also - why find DS a snack before running out?
A little hunger might have informed him better than you enabling him. Especially because if he moaned about feeling hungry, you could have told him to ask his dad why there is no supper being prepared for his son & commuting wife ...

Surely this was the moment to announce that it's already 7pm, you are the last one home after a longer day than theirs, & WTF has been done about feeding the family tonight?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/05/2022 22:55

I ran out to get some essentials

WHY!?

Just buy yourself some chips on the way home and let them fend for themselves. You are not helping them by being a martyr/pushover.

Cherrysoup · 27/05/2022 23:12

KettrickenSmiled · 27/05/2022 22:12

This evening I hadn't prepared any dinner. I got home around 7pm to see nothing bought or prepared, yet again.

I ran out to get some essentials and grabbed sausages for ds to snack on. which he did but was closely followed by DH who happily finished them off. ugh.

But WHY did you run out again?
Also - why find DS a snack before running out?
A little hunger might have informed him better than you enabling him. Especially because if he moaned about feeling hungry, you could have told him to ask his dad why there is no supper being prepared for his son & commuting wife ...

Surely this was the moment to announce that it's already 7pm, you are the last one home after a longer day than theirs, & WTF has been done about feeding the family tonight?

Totally. I’d have innocently asked what was for tea and when was he making it?

MuchoMistrust · 29/05/2022 07:15

I can't stand the "I'm too clever to worry about basic life admin and common decency in my relationships" bollocks. It's patronising bullshit.

Task avoidant = lazy bastard

If you don't change this OP you'll be doing this for the next 20+ years

silentpool · 29/05/2022 07:51

Every time I read one of these threads, I'm so glad to be divorced. Being on your own is do much better than dealing with a useless husband.

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