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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Task avoidant husband rant...

90 replies

citychick · 22/05/2022 19:55

Evening.

Partner is now WFH and I work out of the home. I'm working 6 day weeks atm and I'm fast running out of steam. I think I just need a rant, but my God it's hard work when the boys in the house don't pull their weight.

DP spends all his time hidden away in his work room "working ". DC has homework and tests coming up but i come home to find gaming or YouTube on, little work done and certainly no supervision.

I dump my bags, head towards the kitchen to begin cooking, clearing up the mess, sort out laundry and so it goes on... yes, we've had the " everyone needs to pull together " conversations but nothing ever happens and I've lost trust in them that it ever will.

DP simply does not care. He's been like this for 20 yrs. He's not interested in the domestic side of life. Gardening, cooking, laundry, car washing, etc. He just wants to sit and read. That's all he does. Read and work. He's with DC at weekends because I'm working those atm, but once the sports runs have been done he's straight upstairs and back to his laptop.

I'm sitting in the kitchen and I can see he's sitting on the sofa reading. I want to hit him over the head with one of the dirty pans he's left on the hob.

Rant over. I feel a tiny bit better. 😖

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 22/05/2022 23:38

I think the best way to approach his is to tell him that it is clear that after 20 years of not bothering to listen to you asking for help you have decided that he doesn't help beacuse he thinks it is beneath him as "wimmins" work. Be really firm that you cannot think of any other reason for his ignoring you everytime you've asked. You then tell him that you have decided that you would also like a traditional marriage - where the husband pulls his weight financially and earns enough to keep the family going without the need for a wife's income. That as he has unilaterally decided for all these years that he is not going to contribute to the housework you have now unilaterally decided that you will not be contributing to the finances. You will be cancelling any direct debits you have for paying bills and that in future you will be passing all household bills to him to settle (your posts suggest that you don't have joint finances - if you do then get work to pay you into an account in your sole name). And do it at elast for a couple of months. YOU also need to sit DC down and explain that as he doesn't do his homework when he should or help around the house you will no longer be buying anything for him and he needs to approach his dad for the money instead.

ChocolateHippo · 23/05/2022 03:55

I agree with @londonmummy1966 . You essentially have two options. Withdraw your domestic labour and leave them to fend for themselves (and I include your DC in that, he's old enough not to starve and to understand that there has to be an element of mutuality and pulling together in household chores). Or tell your H that, since you're essentially a 1950s housewife, you're going to treat your salary as 'pin money' and he needs to up his hours and pay for everything going forward.

YRGAM · 23/05/2022 06:45

londonmummy1966 · 22/05/2022 23:38

I think the best way to approach his is to tell him that it is clear that after 20 years of not bothering to listen to you asking for help you have decided that he doesn't help beacuse he thinks it is beneath him as "wimmins" work. Be really firm that you cannot think of any other reason for his ignoring you everytime you've asked. You then tell him that you have decided that you would also like a traditional marriage - where the husband pulls his weight financially and earns enough to keep the family going without the need for a wife's income. That as he has unilaterally decided for all these years that he is not going to contribute to the housework you have now unilaterally decided that you will not be contributing to the finances. You will be cancelling any direct debits you have for paying bills and that in future you will be passing all household bills to him to settle (your posts suggest that you don't have joint finances - if you do then get work to pay you into an account in your sole name). And do it at elast for a couple of months. YOU also need to sit DC down and explain that as he doesn't do his homework when he should or help around the house you will no longer be buying anything for him and he needs to approach his dad for the money instead.

I agree with this. 'Traditional' relationships are fine if there is mutual respect and genuine division of the responsibilities but there's none of that here

ThePoetsWife · 23/05/2022 06:59

Do you actually want to do something about it? Then stop doing his laundry, ironing, etc.

Take lots of time out on your own leaving him and DC to sort themselves out.

Gastropod · 23/05/2022 07:06

There is a brilliant comic on this topic, the mental load, etc - "You should have asked"

In fact, the author has just done an even more relevant one, on household chores, but it's only in French for now - "Ca se met où"

doitwithlove · 23/05/2022 07:15

I would be leaving a list of chores for dp to do in his lunch time & a list for son to do once home from school.

If they were not done once I got home, I would be cooking for myself etc

NamechangeFML · 23/05/2022 07:19

Agree with @Finalcountdowntoourtripaway

and tell him HE needs to pay for a cleaner out if his own wages , as you weren't put on this earth to skivvy
its Monday morning. Tell him hes to find one by the end of the week.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/05/2022 07:27

Why would he change. He has an umpaid servant. Id probably be considering divorce but before you do that withdraw ALL services including sex. Let the house turn into a hellhole. Only do your own washing and cooking. Stick it out. There will come a point when they will realise they can't live like this anymore. But you .use stick to the an. Tell them they are sextet pigs and you're not their fucking maid any more. Panic will ensue when they finally raise you have lost your shit.

FleurDeLizz · 23/05/2022 07:37

Make his dinner in the dirty pans he neglected to wash up. Make sure he knows about it.

ToastedWaffle · 23/05/2022 11:01

FleurDeLizz · 23/05/2022 07:37

Make his dinner in the dirty pans he neglected to wash up. Make sure he knows about it.

Love it 😂

WombatNo12 · 23/05/2022 12:45

I like the blog post about the wife who left over dishes left on the side.

Mental load conversations have helped us.

WombatNo12 · 23/05/2022 13:10

Blog post about dishes...

Mrswobblethewaitressiatired · 23/05/2022 13:16

Your post reminded me of this article that I think I saw on here.

My DP is exactly the same. He hides in his office all the time. Door closed and kids told to be quiet while he works/ plays games on his fucking phone.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288

ShandaLear · 23/05/2022 13:34

I understand that patios are very last season and a garden bed full of endangered plant species is the way forward. Apparently councils are very resistant to requests to approve their removal.

BrightNewLife · 23/05/2022 13:49

@citychick

Hmm, I've been there, got the tea-towel... but then I divorced him. However, here's a few things that I did, before I separated from my extraordinarily lazy, DH who never helped with hw, kids etc. I was working full time, running a business, taking care of all the house work + household management + childcare as he was useless, despite the endless chats and promises (but also abusive + controlling). As others have said, they don't change, so I left.

In your situation, if DH wont help, you should immediately stop doing so much and up the ante on spending on home help and cooking:

  • When I had 3 small children + useless HB, I used to have a big house and would have a cleaner once a week for a good 4-6 hours, sometimes twice a week, e.g. 2 x 3 hours
  • Cleaner would also do all mine and kids' ironing.
  • I also had a separate childminder who came to the house, she was a great cook, so she'd also cook things like an evening diner, cakes etc whilst she was there.
  • Work out if you really get enough from DH in other areas of your life e.g. is he otherwise a lovely, bumbling, bookish posh academic and this makes up for his old fashioned (sexist) 'task avoidance', or if you're so pissed off that you need to LTB.
NewandNotImproved · 23/05/2022 21:13

Twenty years? Lol, what a cock up.

A huge chunk of your life thrown down the shitter to service a boyfriend who openly doesn’t give a crap about you. Do you not want to enjoy your life?

NewandNotImproved · 23/05/2022 21:22

*unclear on whether you’re married or not, since your title, and your posts say ‘husband’ and then ‘partner’. What is it he’s a ‘partner’ in?

Are you going to continue throwing your life away for him?

Original poster
citychick · 23/05/2022 22:49

thanks to all who posted. I'm heading off to bed after a busy day.
No I haven't wasted 20 years. and yes, we are married. I will take on board all hints, tips and suggestions.

I'm not one to LTB, but we do need to have a(nother) conversation about it.

This evening I hadn't prepared any dinner. I got home around 7pm to see nothing bought or prepared, yet again.

I ran out to get some essentials and grabbed sausages for ds to snack on. which he did but was closely followed by DH who happily finished them off. ugh.

He hasn't even mentioned dinner. I do believe he'd just eat cold baked beans out of a can. FFS.

thanks for reading.

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 23/05/2022 22:53

citychick · 23/05/2022 22:49

thanks to all who posted. I'm heading off to bed after a busy day.
No I haven't wasted 20 years. and yes, we are married. I will take on board all hints, tips and suggestions.

I'm not one to LTB, but we do need to have a(nother) conversation about it.

This evening I hadn't prepared any dinner. I got home around 7pm to see nothing bought or prepared, yet again.

I ran out to get some essentials and grabbed sausages for ds to snack on. which he did but was closely followed by DH who happily finished them off. ugh.

He hasn't even mentioned dinner. I do believe he'd just eat cold baked beans out of a can. FFS.

thanks for reading.

Why didn’t you mention dinner? Why didn’t your DC make his own?

Honestly, OP, you’re not really helping yourself, here. Sleep well.

NewandNotImproved · 23/05/2022 22:56

‘I’m not one to LTB’

cool, but you can’t whine when you actively choose misery, every day. Enjoy more lonely years serving him. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sbqprules · 23/05/2022 23:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
citychick · 23/05/2022 23:09

@150poundrebate
why didn't I mention dinner...I'm not normally home for dinner on a Monday.
So I didn't mention dinner. DS toasted himself some crumpets to keep himself going til after sports training.

I was too tired to go to my Monday evening thing. so I came home. i ate the remaining salad in the fridge and cooked sausages and a cheese toaster for ds for when he came home. I didn't cook for DH. he hasn't when mentioned it. 🙄

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 23/05/2022 23:25

citychick · 23/05/2022 23:09

@150poundrebate
why didn't I mention dinner...I'm not normally home for dinner on a Monday.
So I didn't mention dinner. DS toasted himself some crumpets to keep himself going til after sports training.

I was too tired to go to my Monday evening thing. so I came home. i ate the remaining salad in the fridge and cooked sausages and a cheese toaster for ds for when he came home. I didn't cook for DH. he hasn't when mentioned it. 🙄

You have a child. Whether or not you were home, said child would need dinner. If there was no food at home, then what was your husband planning on said child having for dinner? I think that bears mentioning.

On a similar note, I was asking why your 15 year old son couldn’t cook sausages and a cheese toastie for himself? Or, better yet, for both of you? However, if he was out, then fair enough.

wellhelloitsme · 23/05/2022 23:38

Whether or not you were home, said child would need dinner. If there was no food at home, then what was your husband planning on said child having for dinner? I think that bears mentioning.

On a similar note, I was asking why your 15 year old son couldn’t cook sausages and a cheese toastie for himself? Or, better yet, for both of you? However, if he was out, then fair enough.

All of this!

Cavviesarethebest · 23/05/2022 23:47

Do you not find it demeaning that both you and he expect that you will wash his dirty clothes?

You both work full time yes? I understand when one partner is part time and one full time the part time person might take on the responsibilities for laundry. But it baffles me that people genuinely think that a woman should
be responsible for cleaning a mans clothes because??