Task avoidant husband rant...

[citychick]

Evening.

Partner is now WFH and I work out of the home. I'm working 6 day weeks atm and I'm fast running out of steam. I think I just need a rant, but my God it's hard work when the boys in the house don't pull their weight.

DP spends all his time hidden away in his work room "working ". DC has homework and tests coming up but i come home to find gaming or YouTube on, little work done and certainly no supervision.

I dump my bags, head towards the kitchen to begin cooking, clearing up the mess, sort out laundry and so it goes on... yes, we've had the " everyone needs to pull together " conversations but nothing ever happens and I've lost trust in them that it ever will.

DP simply does not care. He's been like this for 20 yrs. He's not interested in the domestic side of life. Gardening, cooking, laundry, car washing, etc. He just wants to sit and read. That's all he does. Read and work. He's with DC at weekends because I'm working those atm, but once the sports runs have been done he's straight upstairs and back to his laptop.

I'm sitting in the kitchen and I can see he's sitting on the sofa reading. I want to hit him over the head with one of the dirty pans he's left on the hob.

Rant over. I feel a tiny bit better. 😖

The first thing I'd be tempted to do in your shoes is book yourself a holiday. By yourself. As soon as you can get the leave. Then I'd just walk out and leave your DH to it. He can sort himself and your DC out for a week or so. Meanwhile, you can have a break from the drudgery.

I'm sure he doesn't like cooking, cleaning and washing, but he feels the rewards!! So stop doing it, down tools, he can cook his own meals and wash his own clothes.

again, thanks for the replies.
it's good to hear opinions. yes I could just sack it all off, but I reality I need to feed DC and myself. so I just cook enough for all. DP does cook on occasion. last night's risotto was pretty good tbf. And I'd love a holiday. I have had a holiday without him before. a few times. usually with DC. And it's half term soon so DC and I are off to see grandparents. But I wonder, who's the one having the holiday? anyway, I take o board all suggestions. And I really don't do it ALL. I just don't do it. I. quite happy to let stuff go.

what does he bring to the table? well he pays the mortgage and most bills but I have utilities I pay for , the car is mine , I pay for DC stuff and I've just redecorated most of the house after 20 yrs . it needed a face-lift. so we both contribute financially. it's just the effort he won't make and yes, I am so disappointed at the number of partners who slink off at any sign of "hard work ".

But I also know of plenty of men who really get involved in family life and I often think why doesn't my dp do that.

I may have enabled him slightly but I think his family are pretty entitled. they had a housekeeper a gardener and went to boarding schools. yes. that old chestnut.

if anyone has seen the IG meme going around that says...
"stop trying to do everything "
"then who the F is gunna do it?"

I feel like that. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone.

But I also know of plenty of men who really get involved in family life and I often think why doesn't my dp do that

It’s much nicer having one who pitches in as an equal.

The reason some don’t is because they don’t want to, they don’t think they should have to, they think they’re better than doing menial stuff like housework and cleaning up after themselves. They get away with it because they live with women who put up with it, who accept they don’t deserve an equal partner and are prepared to take on more than is fair. They make sons who expect to be waited on and daughters who expect to be skivvies. Mum put up with it so she will too.

It’s not ideal.

@annelivesgilbert

agree. and there's a reason DC is an only child. I very quickly realized that having more than 1 DC would put immense pressure on me so I stopped at one. And I don't feel guilty in any way.

DP knows why we have an only. I've made it very clear why.

Dies he have life insurance?

Entirely unrelated question, does your home have a patio?

it does, actually 😁

Are you married?

the obvious answer is to leave - or at least plant to once your dc leaves home.

but if you’re not married it sounds like you might be quite financially vulnerable? That would be something to look at.

do want to do this for another 30 years? You might decide you want to. But I suspect not…

Food needs to be prepared and eaten, he’s been at home all day. So, why is it your job to make dinner?

DC is his child and has homework. Why is making sure that happens your job?

Ditto laundry. I’m not talking about complaining about him not doing it/complaining about doing it yourself, by the way. I mean asking him to articulate reasons. I’d be fascinated to hear them.

I would also love to hear his answers to these questions.

Can you put them to him and let us know what this unbelievably entitled man says?

If being asked those questions in that way doesn't make him feel guilty and embarrassed, there's your answer when it comes to who he is really.

I can ask him all the questions of course. But I'm pretty sure, deep down, he things he really shouldn't have to do house hold chores. it's women's work. Deep down I believe those are his thoughts.

we are from the age group whose mother's didn't work ( mine did though ) but our age group are tertiary educated and beyond and are working women. So DP has a confused belief that women should be home but also working and not expecting all the financial pressure to be on the man.

it's like the best of both worlds for men.
But it's not workable unless there is a support network.

Just don't do stuff for them - don't do their washing, don't cook for them. Get a lock for a bathroom door if you've a second bathroom and make it yours.

Any of their stuff lying around throw it in a big white Ikea box - and I mean anything - their cups/ plates/half eaten bananas - plus their clothes/school bags/books

And get your own bedroom, turn the 'spare room' into your room where it can be tidy and clean

It's really quite simple, cook for you & you only, do your own washing, leave them both to it

@lauriefairycake

the spare room is now his home office . But just as soon as I have lottery win, I'm buying my own flat/ house/ ski chalet

So DP has a confused belief that women should be home but also working and not expecting all the financial pressure to be on the man.

I believe this is a pretty widely-held belief. Utterly fucking depressing.

@herejustforthisone

isn't it? it's soul crushing .

Stop cooking for him and doing any of his washing. Start picking up after him but put in boxes or throw it out. I regularly say to my family I’m doing g the floors today grab everything that’s yours and put it away or I’ll throw it out. Stop being a doormat.

Ha ha me to!

My H is a also a culprit. Not always, but if we’re having a rough patch.

But I ask if he loves the idea of a traditional family set up so much, why the fuck did he marry me? I’m bolshy, feminist, opinionated, work like a fucking dog etc. But like you I fall into the trap of doing it all, because I don’t want to live in a disrespected home that’s gone to wrack and ruin.

But I don’t do go quietly. I just wish he’d do shit without necessitating being instructed. Is there anything less attractive than a man who needs to be asked 17 times to empty the bogging compost bin and put his dirty clothes in the laundry bin, or to not leave buttery knives just sitting on the side…

Sorry. You’ve given me a platform.

So, make him actually articulate those ludicrous sexist beliefs and address them. Have a conversation and see if you can stomach the outcome.

Also, your son is 15. What chores does he do? I note there was no mention of him doing laundry or starting dinner. Why is that?

JUST STOP.

Go on strike!

No-one will starve to death. No-one is a baby. They are all capable of looking after themselves. And stop being a martyr.

Just stop.

As above, have you asked him all of this? Why it’s your job? Why he married a feminist if he wanted a tradwife? Why he needs to be told to do things at all, much less multiple times?

Also, why are you tolerating this?

@herejustforthisone
we are one and the same.

I'm off to bed. Been working all day and need to go and do it all again in the morning. I'll check in tomorrow when I can.

Thanks for your messages!. hugely appreciated. x

Oh yes!!!

He simply does not care. He's been like this for 20 yrs.

You said it.
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose...

I'm pretty sure, deep down, he things he really shouldn't have to do house hold chores. it's women's work. Deep down I believe those are his thoughts.

we are from the age group whose mother's didn't work ( mine did though ) but our age group are tertiary educated and beyond and are working women. So DP has a confused belief that women should be home but also working and not expecting all the financial pressure to be on the man.

Men like this are so fucking depressing.

And modelling sexist, unfair and often also misogynist behaviour to boys like your son.

This dynamic has taught your son that it's a woman's job to work, cook, clean, organise childcare and bear the emotional load while it's a man's job to work and opt out of any other bits of family life or adulting he doesn't want to do.

It's so damaging and unfortunately every generation that grows up in this dynamic is another generation that perpetuates it.

Unfortunately, given how popular this has become in recent years, the patio would probably be the first place where they'd look...