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Original poster

Task avoidant husband rant...

90 replies

citychick · 22/05/2022 19:55

Evening.

Partner is now WFH and I work out of the home. I'm working 6 day weeks atm and I'm fast running out of steam. I think I just need a rant, but my God it's hard work when the boys in the house don't pull their weight.

DP spends all his time hidden away in his work room "working ". DC has homework and tests coming up but i come home to find gaming or YouTube on, little work done and certainly no supervision.

I dump my bags, head towards the kitchen to begin cooking, clearing up the mess, sort out laundry and so it goes on... yes, we've had the " everyone needs to pull together " conversations but nothing ever happens and I've lost trust in them that it ever will.

DP simply does not care. He's been like this for 20 yrs. He's not interested in the domestic side of life. Gardening, cooking, laundry, car washing, etc. He just wants to sit and read. That's all he does. Read and work. He's with DC at weekends because I'm working those atm, but once the sports runs have been done he's straight upstairs and back to his laptop.

I'm sitting in the kitchen and I can see he's sitting on the sofa reading. I want to hit him over the head with one of the dirty pans he's left on the hob.

Rant over. I feel a tiny bit better. 😖

OP posts:
Cotherstone · 22/05/2022 19:58

You know what people are going to say. What’s the point of him? What does he bring to the table here?

Ask him once, plainly, why he has so little respect for you that these things that are apparently beneath him are not beneath you, and his answer will tell you everything.

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 20:06

I dump my bags, head towards the kitchen to begin cooking, clearing up the mess, sort out laundry and so it goes on

  • Why are you doing this?
  • Have you asked him why he hasn’t done any of this?
  • You probably want to reframe your husband’s role in your mind. He’s not one of ‘the boys’. He’s an adult man.
  • How old is DC?
Original poster
citychick · 22/05/2022 20:07

you're right. his actions ( or lack there of) speak louder than his words though. I don't need to ask him. But I will. Thanks.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 22/05/2022 20:09

It's his fault he's like this. But why have you tolerated it for 20 years? You have spent 20 years showing him that you are willing to do it all - so why would he change?

WombatNo12 · 22/05/2022 20:10

Sounds like a student house mentality.

Stop doing the work.

Then if it gets to the point you can't stand the mess, move him or yourself out, resulting in a nice, clean, tranquil place.

I used to do the work, it was fair as DH worked away. Now he's retired, he's stepped up but is moaning there's too much work. I suspect you have one that will never step up, that's the difference.

CatsOperatingInGangs · 22/05/2022 20:16

Tell the lazy fuckers from now on you’ll be cooking 3 days a week, DP also does 3 days and DS does 1 day. The people that haven’t cooked then are responsible for clearing up. If they don’t do their jobs from now on, don’t pick up the work! Sit there and shame them. Or take yourself out for a nice dinner. And if that doesn’t work you really need to rethink your relationship

topcat2014 · 22/05/2022 20:19

I read this as TAX avoidance, and was quite excited, being an accountant..

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 20:20

Imo cook for you. Wash and hide a plate and cutlery..
Do your own laundry only.

ChocolateHippo · 22/05/2022 20:30

In your shoes, I would become 'task avoidant' too. Order a takeaway for one or make yourself a nice snack meal and then head upstairs to your room and watch a movie. Shrug your shoulders to any enquiry about meals. "Dunno. Look in the fridge". Similarly, do your own laundry only and ignore all ironing. You're not a skivvy and you shouldn't be treated like one... time to withdraw your domestic labour.

Princessoftheuniverse · 22/05/2022 20:38

Call somewhere to eat on the way home from work. When you get home sit down and read or watch telly. If you’re asked what’s for tea say you don’t want anything you’re not hungry.

Original poster
citychick · 22/05/2022 20:39

thanks for the messages.

I've given as good as I've got for 20 yrs. He knows exactly how I feel. I've made it pretty clear.
Student house mentality...agree with this...their family home looked like a student tip most of the time. They're all very academic and don't even notice fancy stuff and/ or mess. sigh.
Stop doing the work...oh i do as little as I can get away with and I definitely do t do his ironing.

DC is 15 watches his dad's lazy behavior unfortunately. He also has dreadful executive functioning so leave mess everywhere. Thanks to ADHD. he is reminded on a daily basis.

I just feel sad when I hear friends partners cooking up a storm for a Sunday lunch etc. Or hosting a BBQ. it wouldn't even occur for DP to do that.

So we never do it. Because I wo t put myself under that pressure. I simply don't have the energy anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
citychick · 22/05/2022 20:41

@Topcat

that made me laugh. DP works in Tax. in roundabout way.

OP posts:
2Hot2Handle · 22/05/2022 20:43

It’s so frustrating how many men there are out that that still expect their OH to look after them, even thought you’re both adults and both in paid employment.
My advice would be to have another conversation, but this time…

  1. Explain calmly and clearly that you really don’t enjoy doing housework and cooking all the time, especially when the mess and eating is done by more than just you
  2. Ask how your DP and DC want to move forward. Do they… A) Want to split the chores and cooking 3 ways and work out a rota/schedule where everyone has a clear role with timings? OR B) Would they prefer to be in charge of their own chores? Make it clear that this includes buying your own food, cooking your own dinners, washing your own clothes and owning at least one shared room to keep tidy (or paying you each time you clean or tidy it, if you’re open to that).

Say that you’re open to other ideas, but that you’re not happy to carry on as you currently are. Let them help to decide what the solution will be. WhatsApp them a summary of whatever is agreed, on the understanding that they respond to the message, agreeing to the new rules.

Agree consequences of them not pulling their weight (WiFi password change. Gadgets confiscated until chores are done. Social events cancelled etc). Also if they don’t do their bit, don’t clean their clothes, or cook them dinner.

Then (the hardest part), follow through.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 22/05/2022 20:46

I once had a husband like this.

I didn't realise how idle and entitled he was at first, because he worked away a lot. When he started working 9-5 I got a big shock.

So I told him I wasn't his skivvy and to either 'shape up or ship out'. His response was to have an affair with someone more 'malleable'.

I divorced him and now he's with her and treating her with the same disrespect - still being bone idle.

They don't change OP. Sorry x

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 20:46

citychick · 22/05/2022 20:39

thanks for the messages.

I've given as good as I've got for 20 yrs. He knows exactly how I feel. I've made it pretty clear.
Student house mentality...agree with this...their family home looked like a student tip most of the time. They're all very academic and don't even notice fancy stuff and/ or mess. sigh.
Stop doing the work...oh i do as little as I can get away with and I definitely do t do his ironing.

DC is 15 watches his dad's lazy behavior unfortunately. He also has dreadful executive functioning so leave mess everywhere. Thanks to ADHD. he is reminded on a daily basis.

I just feel sad when I hear friends partners cooking up a storm for a Sunday lunch etc. Or hosting a BBQ. it wouldn't even occur for DP to do that.

So we never do it. Because I wo t put myself under that pressure. I simply don't have the energy anymore.

What has ‘giving as good as you’ve got’ entailed? Genuinely interested, as it appears you haven’t asked him why all of this is your job.

Food needs to be prepared and eaten, he’s been at home all day. So, why is it your job to make dinner?

DC is his child and has homework. Why is making sure that happens your job?

Ditto laundry. I’m not talking about complaining about him not doing it/complaining about doing it yourself, by the way. I mean asking him to articulate reasons. I’d be fascinated to hear them.

Loopytiles · 22/05/2022 20:49

Your H sounds shit!

The ‘home office room’ seems to have become the new ‘dressing gown of doom’

Circumferences · 22/05/2022 20:50

This is just t

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 22/05/2022 20:50

Oh BTW I was married 5 years before his idleness became apparent - I couldn't have tolerated 20 years of it, 6 months was enough for me !

Circumferences · 22/05/2022 20:50

....terrible behaviour from him. Disrespectful and entitled.

Go on strike. Just f* it all off. I would.

SuziSecondLaw · 22/05/2022 20:55

Um... I'm sorry but, just stop. Do things for yourself only. Even if it means you living on takeaways for weeks. Just stop doing their laundry, their dishes, their meals. They're not disabled, they're quite capable of doing it. Stop being a mug. And I mean that in the nicest way possible, because I've been there done that.

Badger1970 · 22/05/2022 20:56

I'd walk straight back out of the door again.

Who made them Kings and your their lowly servant??

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2022 20:59

So what does he bring to the table?

Sexnotgender · 22/05/2022 21:00

It’s easy to be task avoidant when someone will run around after you. Sounds lovely just sitting on your arse reading while someone cooks and cleans for you.

Noisyprat · 22/05/2022 21:05

Sorry OP but you've enabled this behaviour. Why would he bother when he has you to skivvy? Your son had seen this and thinks it's the norm, his help the poor woman he ends up with (hopefully they'll dump and run asap!).

You don't have to do all that stuff, you have a choice.

Isaidnoalready · 22/05/2022 21:07

No ADHD meds? Executive dysfunction is absolutely real but most people I know with this condition (including myself) still manage to cook clean and study we might not be the most efficient or effective but we are fed and in clean clothing