I can’t do this at 14 weeks but he’s changed his mind

[Pricjle]

Unplanned pregnancy. Asked DP outright, many times, if he wanted an abortion (I didn’t want this). He said he didn’t. We’ve been to the scans and now I’m 14 weeks and we had a row and he has brought up abortion.

I don’t feel I can do this at 14 weeks… it would be more like 16 weeks by the time I had it done too. I feel so upset and hurt. I asked him so many times earlier on at 6-10 weeks and he swore he didn’t want an abortion. I feel so confused now as I don’t want to go ahead with a baby the dad is suggesting doesn’t want but also I honestly don’t know what I would do if I had an abortion.

Please stop crying - I hope you feel better soon. I do not know you or your partner but it seems that you have had doubts about him anyway before this crisis. You kept asking him if he was sure he wanted it (showing he was not able to reassure you) , he is ''antisocial'' which you are not - in fact you need friends and family but only have him for company but this may be affecting your mental health and it seems he would not be helpful with any baby/child anyway .

Can you get some counselling? Your post makes it sound like you maybe have doubts about having a baby. And it is about what you want, I’d try and work that through with someone neutral. and take any guilt away. It’s also not a great scenario if you continue with a pregnancy that you don’t really want

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
it reminded me of a thread from a few years ago I remember reading and I remember thinking how hard it all must have been for her. Il post below incase you want to have a read but not to say you should make the same decision just as there was a lot of good advise on there.
keep posting on here too, talking it through will help a little.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy_choices/4116413-36-in-June-pregnant-with-1st-after-5-months-with-OH-who-doesn-t-want-it

I was a single mum with my first, I left her deadbeat father in another country when I was 24 weeks and never looked back. It was just me and her until she was 6 and I met who she and I consider to be her real father (he adopted her). Those six years were difficult but also immensely fun and whenever I read one of the ten million threads on here where a mum is asking for advice on the idiot man-child she is dealing with alongside her actual child I wish I could convince them all to just let the guy GO.

If you want the baby, have it. You'll find a way to make it work. My best advice is to intentionally seek out other single mums and be available to help them with last minute emergency childcare or shopping trips if you drive and they don't and not to be afraid to ask the same in return. Be extremely kind and generous with your help and extremely bolshy in expecting the same in return. I think it's easier for me as I come from a culture where people support each other more than seems normal in the UK but it really is key to a successful single mother life unless you're rich enough to afford all the help you need.

What a lot to deal with all at the one time, OP. I'm so sorry.

It sounds to me like you want the baby more than you want to stay in a relationship with this man, but it's your decision to make, and nobody else can make those choices for you.

How would you feel if you were secure in the knowledge you were capable of bringing up a child without your DP?

Have you spoken to friends, family about what's going on?

I think maybe you feel a little worried at coping .Maybe asked DP a lot and he could have thought you were almost wanting him to say that .He has said now that he doesnt ,so hopefully thats a good sign .Pregnancy is stressful for anyone .You say you have some MH problems .Having an unplanned pregnancy throws you .You will cope much better than you think .Have the Counselling offered to you , that will help you to feel better and relax .

Dump him and move to where the support his. He can still see the baby if he’s interested, probably more like EOW rather than everyday.

Could it be that he’s not simply got cold feet over fatherhood but he’s being controlling? Saying no to abortion until it’s almost too late then dropping this on you? Has he said what he intends to do if you don’t abort?
Don’t try to please him, do what you want for you and a child. Talk to family if you can, they might surprise you and be pleased. You can contact Brooke or similar as you have to have counselling before a termination. You can have the counselling without going ahead to terminate. Would that help?
Look at his reasons for treating you like this.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Op, it’s your choice.

no way is the easy way.

Consider that if you in your 30’s and you did want a family, this is your baby and your family right here. You can raise your baby alone and have support of friends around you. Maybe this child is your gift…. And you are theirs.

Let's go back a bit. How long have you been together, and what's he like the rest of the time? What was his tone when he mentioned the abortion?

I'm not sure I'm with the majority of PPs. Maybe having been asked so many times he's not sure where you stand and has interpreted the questions as perhaps you do want the abortion and is just saying do what you want to do. I can easily imagine a thread on here where OP says DP/DH keeps asking me the same question over and over again. I've said yes (or no, whatever) every time, so why the fuck does he have to keep asking?

His text this morning has effectively admitted that he said it in anger and frustration. Think about your relationship as a whole, not just this one incident. What's the pattern, are you good together? And then TALK to him. Tell him about your tendency to self sabotage. be open and honest with him and ask him to be the same. Then make a decision about the future. Don't throw it away on the basis of one comment made in anger. Take a lot more things into consideration. If you then want to end it, fine. But do it in the context of the wider picture, not as an equally hot headed LTB move.

That’s your answer right there.

There is no way you can go through an abortion, you know it.

What you need to get your head around is the fact that father might not have the ability to stick around (I’m being gentle here - assuming he has problems of his own that make it hard to cope with a baby/life in general).
You know that your MH can suffer easily. Then you need to plan around that. Plan as much support as you can (but not your parents :() and have something in place so you can reach out for support as soon as things get herder.

I would also make it clear to your DP that now he has no choice. He might have used the abortion as a way to get to you or he might genuinely want that. Whatever. The choice is not in his hands anymore. You asked and he said he was happy. He made his choice, he now has to live with it.
And that means he is expected to be involved. As a partner or as an ex (will depend a lot if he can get his acts together or not). But set the expectations that he has to be involved as a father.

His text this morning has effectively admitted that he said it in anger and frustration

I have to say I’d have an issue with someone who is using a subject they KNOW a is a sensitive one for me as a way to attack me/get to me.
Whether the OP has asked the questions many times (Which couod we’ll be because she could feel her partner her wasn’t that truthful - with her or with himself), is NOT a reason to use that as a weapon.

Whether the OP has asked the questions many times (Which couod we’ll be because she could feel her partner her wasn’t that truthful - with her or with himself), is NOT a reason to use that as a weapon.

I don't disagree. But many people say something in anger that they later regret, he's not unique in doing that, and afterwards they know they shouldn't have said it, that it was way below the belt and was hurtful.

It sounds to me like you want this baby - that’s the important thing. My advice is to take advantage of the offered support from the midwife. Mine was lovely.

But I also wonder if your MH would actually improve being away from your DP. In some ways, it sounds like he’s messing with your head. Not just with this, but you needing support and him saying his commute would be longer. You’re too focussed on him yet he doesn’t seem to focus that much on you. His text saying he spoke in anger could be a genuine apology, or it could be a continuation of keeping you on the back foot all the time, keeping you second-guessing him and yourself, and not allowing you the emotional stability you need.

Put your DP right out of your head. Don’t think about him in any way whatsoever. Your focus is you and this possible opportunity for a baby. You mention self-sabotage - were your questions to him about abortion a subconscious attempt to self-sabotage your dream of having a baby? It’s a horrible place to be in mentally, but it’s a place you can move on from. You’re stronger than you think and the choice should be yours, yours alone - and made by genuinely thinking about what YOU want. Is this a chance for happiness? Don’t throw it away if you want it. XX

If you really want this baby then don’t have an abortion. My daughter has done it on her own and has a fabulous 2 year old who the whole family absolutely adore.
she is also at Uni doing her masters . Yes she is tired at times ,broke etc but she is absolutely brilliant and her daughter is so lucky to have just the one fantastic parent!
Admittedly we do physically and at times financially support her ie pay for car ,food shop etc . We are always at he end of the phone and a 45 min drive away.
If you want it you can do it 💐

I feel like the answer is in the post.
You don't want an abortion
You want this baby and you can do it with or without his help!
Whatever happens between the 2 of you, the baby is already growing and is innocent in all this. Life is hard but it will be ok.
You can raise this baby alone if you want to.
Take care x

@Pricjle do you have support for yourself (baby or not)?
Things sound really hard for you and I’m wondering if you have any support around you (apart from friends/family that are further afield).
Have you ever looked at counselling too? It’s expensive I agree but I found it extremely useful to have someone outside the family to talk things through and get support.

You need to get yourself sorted. And stop worrying about him for now.

Hopefully you have now got yourself some food and can carry on with your day. Do some cleaning, some exercise, prep for tomorrow/the week whatever physical things you need to do get absorbed in them and focus on them. You need to get yourself on as much of an even keel as you can before you think about any of this any more.

Once you've got there then start to plan. Talk to your midwife, your parents, your friends especially those with kids - make a plan. Make a plan that doesn't include him - he can join in at some point if you decide you can do that. But in the meantime he needs to get himself straight, by himself or with his own supporters. Do not be his prop - you have enough to do right now.

Once you start to plan and see that things are achievable then you will feel better. Clearly you want this baby so be happy about it. Get excited, make plans - this is your future.

Good Luck - remember the vipers of this nest will ALWAYS be here to support you.

Just forget him. Completely.

Don't worry about his reasons. And more importantly don't care. He has let you know and lied to you, leaving you in a really upsetting situation.

He doesn't care about your or your baby. And he has shown you this.

So decide what's right for YOU. If you want this baby then keep it. There are plenty of single Mums out there and your may find your family are more supportive than you may think.

'Let you down' - sorry, typo.

It sounds very much like if you stay with this person you will always feel like you’re on your own. Being in a ‘relationship’ with someone like this is far, far more lonely than actually being alone.
Obviously it’s a very difficult decision for you, but having a baby and being on your own with your child may not be the worst outcome for you.

Hi Op don’t have an abortion if you don’t want one.
Focus on yourself and your baby. You have seen your baby on a screen and you know what you saw is your baby.
At the moment you are feeling scared and alone - no wonder. The one person who was supposed to protect and support you isn’t. But you can do this. Ask for your families help.
we cannot control the actions of others eg your partner. But you can make choices for your self. Your baby just needs you and what comes across strongly is that you don’t want abortion. So you don’t have to.

Being in a ‘relationship’ with someone like this is far, far more lonely than actually being alone.

That's a really good point actually.

Now that he's told you he doesn't want the baby, he won't do anything to support you anyway. It's his 'get out free' card. Please please have this baby by yourself if you want to.

What was the argument about op? Trying to get a handle on whether he mentioned abortion out of nowhere or whether you were asking him again and in frustration he said ‘fine have one then’ because he didn’t understand why you keep asking him about it, even after you’ve had the 12 weeks scan and he said it was awesome.

Either way I think you need to decide whether you want the baby and be prepared to do it on your own. I would also consider moving back to your family regardless of whether he ‘doesn’t want a long commute’ or not. You’ll need support around you whatever you decide.

Good luck 💐

OP you are second guessing yourself so
Much. you need to try and create some calm to think about all this. It strikes me that your DP is likely to keep throwing all this back at you in years to come. You need to decide what you want but think about yourself above al.