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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can’t do this at 14 weeks but he’s changed his mind

108 replies

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 09:22

Unplanned pregnancy. Asked DP outright, many times, if he wanted an abortion (I didn’t want this). He said he didn’t. We’ve been to the scans and now I’m 14 weeks and we had a row and he has brought up abortion.

I don’t feel I can do this at 14 weeks… it would be more like 16 weeks by the time I had it done too. I feel so upset and hurt. I asked him so many times earlier on at 6-10 weeks and he swore he didn’t want an abortion. I feel so confused now as I don’t want to go ahead with a baby the dad is suggesting doesn’t want but also I honestly don’t know what I would do if I had an abortion.

OP posts:

cottagegardenflower · 22/05/2022 10:39

I think at the moment it's a lot of emotion talking and your DP said this in anger and probably isn't what he wants really. Not an ideal situation of course, but you need to sit down calmly and sort your joint feelings out. Bringing a child into this situation is not good anyway.

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:40

Thanks @CrabPuff i have a lot of mental health challenges which are largely disgusted by the work I do/lot of responsibility. On the surface I look successful but im a crumbling mess. I have to ask questions four times for instance when I’m in a hole. It’s awful.

OP posts:

oviraptor21 · 22/05/2022 10:40

Could it be that you almost scared him into saying he wanted an abortion? It sounds like you asked him a lot of times and maybe he thought that was the answer you wanted to hear as you kept asking the question.

If he's now saying he doesn't want an abortion, maybe that's his real answer. Perhaps he's just scared and daunted by the prospect of being a dad and struggling to process his feelings.

Anyway, bottom line is it sounds like you don't want an abortion. So make that decision without reference to him. You will cope financially. He may stick around, he may not. That's less important than you making the decision that's right for you about keeping the baby.

Mischance · 22/05/2022 10:42

Definitely this. You do not know whether he will stay around, baby or not, so you must do what is right for you and your life.

RandomMess · 22/05/2022 10:43

Who do you have in your life that gives you emotional support?

What would emotional support look like to you?

I would find a therapist you gel with (ring around and chat to some) and pay for regular sessions.

Anonnnnnnm · 22/05/2022 10:44

It's not his choice. Your body, your choice. You don't have to stay with him, either.

Macaroni1924 · 22/05/2022 10:47

This is a horrible situation. I would think that if he and you are unsure if he wants this baby you will always worry it’s not what he wanted. I’d assume that normal arguments that are part of being new parents would turn into a ‘well you wanted an abortion’ which isn’t healthy for anyone.

By the sounds of things you do want this baby. So work on you, focus on improving your mental health and look forward to the future as being a mum is the hardest but best job in the world. You can manage perfectly well on your own.

Personally I would sit your DP down tell him that you wish to keep the baby and if he doesn’t want to be a part of it then it’s the end of the road for you both. If he does want to stay then I’d be considering whether or not you can trust that he wants the same thing as u. Good luck x

shiningstar2 · 22/05/2022 10:48

You are in your 30s and you say you have always wanted a baby. You've had an abortion in your 20s which broke you and you say you couldn't cope with another. You have always wanted a baby and you say you will definitely break up if you had an abortion.
All of these comments are in your posts op. Seems to me you definitely want this baby. You will break up if you have an abortion. You might break up if you have the baby. Only you can decide but you are in your 30s and want a baby and the relationship is doomed if you go ahead with an abortion you don't want.
Worst case scenario if you have the baby? You might have to go it alone ...but you might not. Seems he's texted to say he wants you to go ahead with the pregnancy. Probably having a wobble about sudden idea of parenthood. Might be fine. If not you go it alone ...you won't be the first or last to do that and he has a job so there is financial support at least.
As well as you wanting a baby having an abortion you don't want would play havoc with your mental health.
If you go ahead with him layoff the over analysing and questioning of him. Even couples having a planned first baby have wobbles about it.
Good luck with the decision making op. 💐

GladAllOver · 22/05/2022 10:50

Your choice. Just yours.

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:50

Thank you so much for the support on this thread. I’m honestly in tears at how kind you have all been. Thank you for giving me the strength to get up and make a tea.. the first step in what was a spiralling morning.

@shiningstar2 thank you for analysing it like that it is a huge huge huge help.

OP posts:

Barckays · 22/05/2022 11:00

It was in heat of the moment. Both of you have some space and calm down and think again.

pinklavendar · 22/05/2022 11:03

OP why did you even ask him once, let alone repeatedly if you didn't want an abortion? If an abortion was never in your mind then there was no reason to ask his view on it.

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 11:05

@pinklavendar i think because I wanted reassurance he wanted it too and that he would be there. I also do have a long history of self sabotage and abusing myself emotionally. I always look for the worst. I don’t know what I was hoping to achieve.

OP posts:

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 22/05/2022 11:13

Reading your posts I think you want the baby, could move closer to parents and support if it wasn’t for your DP. You have a good job that you are coping with and a relatively small mortgage but a partner who is moody, has his own mental health challenges and sounds like hard work. Honestly if it was me it’s time to change your mindset. Take all the MH help you are offered, move to near your family/support system asap, tell your partner that is what you are doing and he needs to get on board and be more positive or leave. Did you ever consider he is causing or aggravating your own MH challenges? You will have a real life baby to look after and that becomes your no. 1 focus for a long time, you don’t need to baby him too.

I think you may be stronger and more capable than you think? Maybe in a different environment with a different focus (baby, new house etc) and without all the negativity you describe things will get a lot better?

Inertia · 22/05/2022 11:14

It’s not about him and his wants, it’s about you.

Your body, your decision.

Men’s decision making rights end when they make the choice to have sex with a consenting female partner- there is always a chance of pregnancy.

Based on everything you’ve said, it sounds like you want to keep this pregnancy- you want to have children, you are emotionally bonded, a previous abortion was damaging to your mental health. You do not need anybody else’s permission.

Your relationship might weather this, it might not. It seems that an abortion would cause resentment that’s impossible to come back from. Either way, it sounds like you do have options in terms of moving to be near family and friends if it comes to that.

ScarlettDarling · 22/05/2022 11:18

If you have an abortion because your partner wants you to you will resent him forever and no relationship can survive that.
Youve said you couldn’t survive going through another abortion so your decision is made. Tell your partner that you’re having this baby with or without his support.
Really sorry you’re having such a hard time

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 11:22

What kind of piece of shit person brings up abortion in a row? Dump him, keep the kid.
You have plenty of time to prepare for it arrival as a single woman.

Sorry op but he is contemptuous and I suspect that if you stay with him then in future you would get 'you forced me into having this child, I didn't want' blah blah bs forevermore, every time you argued (or rather, every time he wanted to be nasty). That's not a partnership.

Weefreetiffany · 22/05/2022 11:28

Your body your choice. He has self excluded with this bs. You need mental health support to deal with your anxiety and feelings of uncertainty that are being exacerbated by your partner and parents. The time pressure and hormones must being doing a number on you too. Put yourself first. You can do what is right for you and that is your only priority.

catsnore · 22/05/2022 11:31

It's not up to him. It's your body. Do what you decide. The rest is details. If you have the baby you can access support. People will step up. Your parents might be more supportive than you think. X

Ohdofuckofdear · 22/05/2022 11:32

I'm so sorry your going through this your Partner is an Absolute Arsehole

I found out I was 14 weeks pregnant with my 4th DC 2 days after I'd split up with my ex, I looked into getting an abortion because I was scared of raising 4 children on my own,but I didn't go through with it and I'm so glad I didn't my DD is one of my best friends,she is bloody amazing.

Either choice will be difficult for you bless you, I've had a termination(because of medication I was on) and so have some of my friends and it's not easy but if you do decide to have one they do offer you alot of support.

But if you do carry on with the pregnancy there is so much support out there it's just finding it and that's where your Midwife and Dr can come in really handy and you will always get good support from here as well.

Do you have anyone like friends,family(siblings,cousins ect)that you can confide in and get support from?I hope you do, I know when any of my friends have struggled like you are myself and a few other friends have bent over backwards to help out.

lapasion · 22/05/2022 11:33

I’m sorry. It’s such a tough decision. I think you need to decide based on whether you can be a single parent. It would be very very tough, but not out of the question. Is your job a 9-5? It’s worth looking at local childcare to see what’s on offer once your maternity leave is over, so you know what you’re up against in practical and financial terms.

As for your mental health, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I had antenatal depression with both my pregnancies, and with the second there was much more support and understanding in place. I also got referred for support with postnatal depression, which was really helpful in the early days.

Opentooffers · 22/05/2022 11:33

How far a commute are we talking for him? I think moving near friends and family will help to improve your MH. Has it deteriorated since moving away?
It sounds like you are happiest with support around you, but you have swapped that support for a man who is not emotionally available.
Overall I'm getting a general sense that your default is about pleasing him all the time by doing what he wants - a baby depends on him, where you live depends on him. These are big life decisions, you have had the balance wrong, what you need counts more in these areas. There is a point where you should do what is right for you. You have been too eager to please a man who may just not be all that compatible with you - he's a loner, you are not.
However, if he loves you, he should care about your MH, he should consider your needs. So far you have considered his needs and he's just gladly let you do what he wants at the expense of yourself.
You both need to sit down and discuss a way forward, there may be a compromise to be had. This is how relationships should work. It could be that you move a bit nearer so he has a bit further to commute, or it could be you both living where you are happiest and co-parenting, with or without maintaining some sort of relationship.
Having a baby and where you live are decisions to be based on what you and your baby need.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/05/2022 11:36

It could be the making of you. Have the baby and ditch the guy, the relationship is over anyway either way, you would never forgive him for the abortion if it’s not what you want.

Bootothegoose · 22/05/2022 11:47

Your body, your choice.

Fuck him if you want the baby.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE AN ABORTION IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/05/2022 11:50

PuggyMum · 22/05/2022 10:03

If he said he didn't want an abortion in the early weeks why do you keep on asking him?

She asked him in the early stages to make sure, but he mentioned it much later during a row - OP didn’t bring it up. OP don’t have an abortion if you don’t want to. It’s your decision not his, and you need to make it clear to him that you’re going to have the baby with or without him. He either needs to step up and stop acting like a twat, or not slam the front door behind him when he leaves.

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