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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can’t do this at 14 weeks but he’s changed his mind

108 replies

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 09:22

Unplanned pregnancy. Asked DP outright, many times, if he wanted an abortion (I didn’t want this). He said he didn’t. We’ve been to the scans and now I’m 14 weeks and we had a row and he has brought up abortion.

I don’t feel I can do this at 14 weeks… it would be more like 16 weeks by the time I had it done too. I feel so upset and hurt. I asked him so many times earlier on at 6-10 weeks and he swore he didn’t want an abortion. I feel so confused now as I don’t want to go ahead with a baby the dad is suggesting doesn’t want but also I honestly don’t know what I would do if I had an abortion.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:10

@billy1966 do you mean you think I should abort for the baby’s sake? I agree I feel almost unwell now mentally as I can’t cope with what he’s doing.

OP posts:

LiIo · 22/05/2022 10:11

You said you had a row. Was what he said a heat of the moment thing and once he has calmed down he will have come to his senses? Either way it is s horrid thing for him to have suggested.

Please do not get an abortion if you don’t want one or because you feel pressured by someone else x

Theonlywayisup11 · 22/05/2022 10:11

I don’t want to give you advice regarding keeping the baby or not, that is ultimately your decision, but I can give you my feelings in being a mum. It’s the best in my eyes. My son is the best human being in the world, I’m never alone, we have so much fun together, I thank god every day that I have him, I’ve had some very low phases in my life, and having that little human being to look out for and hang out with has honestly been life saving in my world. I cannot imagine life without him. I know it seems scary and it’s hard being a mum, but for me, it is the best thing in the world 💙

Michellebops · 22/05/2022 10:13

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling so upset.

Please don't have an abortion to suit your partner's now expectations.
You will resent him for it and the relationship won't last anyway.

If you wanted to have one then you need to discuss that with midwife/gp straightaway as timing is crucial now.

Also seek their support regarding your mental health as that is really important.

At the end of the day the decision is yours and yours alone. Your body, your choice.

Your parents may surprise you with support ❤️

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:14

We saw them on the scan. Their little arms and legs. I can’t stop crying.

OP posts:

starynight63 · 22/05/2022 10:18

Sorry to hear your going through this, I would say though it sounds very fresh and I bet your emotions are all over the place after hearing that! You say he brought up abortion, did he outright say "I want you to have an abortion I don't want this baby" or along those lines? Or was it more just suggesting you talk about if you actually want this baby together?

I'd try and take the day to focus on yourself, have a nice walk or bath, do something you enjoy & try to relax the best you can. Then have a conversation with him with a calm head, maybe go for a walk and talk so it's less likely to get heated or confrontational and find out what he's actually thinking/feeling.
But also, having an abortion is not his choice it's yours. And this baby was unplanned, so also not his choice and he may well decide he doesn't want a baby but you have to decide if YOU want this baby, you can be a wonderful mother alone.

For context, I had a much wanted baby with my DP of 7 years. We were trying for around 8 months, we were simply overjoyed and he was THE best support. Then at 6 months old he walked out on us and I found out he'd been having an affair, he now puts drink above our daughter. So my message is regardless of the plan when you get pregnant it doesn't always turn out the way you want and isn't all rainbows, I wouldn't of picked to do this alone but actually now I have the closest relationship with my DD and I get to see all the firsts, she's 18months and we are loving our little life together now we're into the swing of it.

Take care lovely, you will get through this x

Topseyt123 · 22/05/2022 10:19

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:08

I just don’t understand him. He doesn’t cope well generally with life. The only thing he does well is his job but he has limited friendships and no social life. It’s very hard for me to understand what he’s thinking sometimes and for him to do this at this point, I just can’t cope.

It sounds to me like you would cope much better without this moody man child dragging you down. He sounds cruel and thoughtless from what you have said so maybe it is time to consider your options.

Don't have an abortion unless YOU want one. I suspect you don't want an abortion, but the choice is yours, not his.

RandomMess · 22/05/2022 10:19

Cyberworrier · 22/05/2022 10:20

I am so sorry he has put you in this position, OP.

I can't pretend to have experience of what you're going through, but it sounds like you want to keep the baby and you shouldn't be pressured into anything.

The relationship is over either way, at this point, isn't it? You wouldn't want to stay with him if that's dependent on you having an abortion that you're not certain about?
In which case, make your decision based on what you feel is right. There is a chance he may change his mind, although I don't know if you could move past this.

It sounds like you have a good job and fairly good finances. Of course things will change if you split up and have the baby, but it doesn't have to be a disaster. It would just be different.

Does anyone know what charities to sign post the OP to for advise? Sending you a big hug and best wishes

iex · 22/05/2022 10:21

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:09

@jollygoose I doubt I would survive it if I had an abortion. I had one about ten years ago very very early on and it destroyed me. We would definitely break up if I had to do that.

So don't have one. Just dump him because you deserve so much better

ExtraOnion · 22/05/2022 10:22

I wonder why you kept asking him over and over about Abortion? He said “no”, but you kept at it with him, maybe him saying “yes” was a clumsy way of stopping you asking the question? What did he actually say, and what was it in response to?

It’s almost like a form of self sabotage “I’ll push, and push and push, until I get you to say the thing that I expected you to say in the beginning” . Why did you find it so hard to accept that he was fine ?

That said, it’s your decision that matters - again, from your posts, it’s filled with negatives & crooked thinking. You don’t know how you’ll cope, or what your parents will say, or what your partner will do - you build up the worst case scenario. Why not try planning for something more positive? There is rarely a “right time” for a baby, and I don’t think many women go through pregnancy without worrying how they will cope, or about how life will change.

girlmom21 · 22/05/2022 10:22

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:14

We saw them on the scan. Their little arms and legs. I can’t stop crying.

Do you think its made it too real and he's panicked? How long ago was the scan?

theremustonlybeone · 22/05/2022 10:24

You might find your mental health improves when you advise your boyfriend your dumping him. This should be a happy time for you. Focus on yourself and baby and leave him and his 'issues' behind.

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:26

@ExtraOnion youvd hit the nail on the head there. I hugely self sabotage and looking back that’s what it was I think. I am such a mess. I’ve wanted a child all my life. I am in a hole.

Hes just text me saying he doesn’t want an abortion but he doesn’t understand why I repeatedly asked him. I asked him to leave this morning after the row.

I honestly wish I could just live in another time zone for a day for some sort of break. I feel like I’m dying.

OP posts:

Aaaaabbbuuuukkkkjjjjkkkk · 22/05/2022 10:28

Chuck him in the fuck it bucket. This would be a "point of no return" for me. It's cruel.

Keep the baby*

Have a massive cry and mourn the future you thought you were going to have with him, as a family. Have a massive cry and realise how difficult it'll be alone.

Then, realise people do it alone and you can too. Start to put your energy into planning how you're going to do it alone, look up support that might be available financially, talk with work about mat leave. Speak to friends and family. Realise you are strong and you can do it.

*saying this because it sounds from your OP and subsequent posts that this is what you want to do.

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:28

@girlmom21 scan was 2 weeks ago and he was chatty and said it was awesome. It was a nice day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:29

@Aaaaabbbuuuukkkkjjjjkkkk i worked out I could just about manage a year off work financially..just. But it’s more the idea of coping alone. I’m so scared I wouldn’t get it right or wouldn’t cope.

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 22/05/2022 10:31

Either way your relationship is dead. Tell him to fuck off. You honestly don’t need him. He sounds like he’d be useless as shit anyway.

It sounds like you want to keep your baby. So do. As an expectant mother there’s a lot of support for your mental health if you can tap into it. I did. It saved me. And hopefully your family will be supportive.

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:32

I’ve already been referred to midwife mental health services. They offered to come to the house next week which made me cry. I’m just so scared and sad now.

OP posts:

Aaaaabbbuuuukkkkjjjjkkkk · 22/05/2022 10:33

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:29

Every mother worries about that, I assure you. Single or not. Mine is nearly three and I still obsess over this daily!

Gazelda · 22/05/2022 10:33

OP, I think you could do it alone if you needed to. You could take the year of mat leave to build up a support network. Friends, family, healthcare professionals etc. Work out what you can cope with work wise.

But your DP needs to be fully on board or completely out. Not dithering.

Can you speak with your MW about your situation? I had poor mental health when I was pregnant for a very specific reason. My MW arranged pre-natal counselling for me so that I felt stronger and more confident when baby came.

Gazelda · 22/05/2022 10:34

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:32

I’ve already been referred to midwife mental health services. They offered to come to the house next week which made me cry. I’m just so scared and sad now.

Crossed post. That's excellent. Be open and honest and take the support offered.

ExtraOnion · 22/05/2022 10:36

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:26

@ExtraOnion youvd hit the nail on the head there. I hugely self sabotage and looking back that’s what it was I think. I am such a mess. I’ve wanted a child all my life. I am in a hole.

Hes just text me saying he doesn’t want an abortion but he doesn’t understand why I repeatedly asked him. I asked him to leave this morning after the row.

I honestly wish I could just live in another time zone for a day for some sort of break. I feel like I’m dying.

It doesn’t have to be like this though. I’m going to disagree with most people on here, I don’t think he’s an awful person, or that you should just him him off.
You recognise yourself that you have a pattern of self-sabotage - and well done for recognising it. It sound more like he said this after you refused to accept his answer and repeatedly badgered him.
Everyday is an opportunity to start again. There us no reason why you can’t be in a supportive relationship, with a baby - if that’s what you want

Original poster

Pricjle · 22/05/2022 10:37

@Gazelda thanks. DP is a difficult person emotionally but if I’m honest it’s not all him. I desperately need to be around friends and family to feel ok and part of the problem is he is resistant to moving closer to them because he doesn’t want a long commute to work, which I do get. But I am not coping at all. He isn’t great emotionally and if he was I could probably cope with being just with him.

life feels so unbearable.

OP posts:

CrabPuff · 22/05/2022 10:37

You can definitely manage alone - women have done this successfully for aeons in less comfortable circumstances than you. You will love your baby, your parents will love your baby, he will pay maintenance if you split up and you will be ok.

the only other thing to do is to stop asking the same question a hundred times for reassurance. It will backfire every time, is totally unproductive and didn’t reassure you anyway. Ask a question once, commit the response to memory and if your gut tells you otherwise then get a sense check from a third party.

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