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Original poster

Divorce financial settlement

105 replies

Omgitsme · 18/05/2022 22:23

Hello

I am getting divorced and need to come to a financial agreement

After people's thoughts

We have two kids, 6 and 12 (boy girl)
I am the main breadwinner £39000
House worth £280000 ‐ mortgage left £85000
I am male
Pension £80000

My wife

Currently does not work, though might be getting a job (will be less a lot less than me)

Quit her job as she found it to stressful (agrued with staff there)
There is nothing stopping her from getting a better job, I can work childcare around it

Pension £0

She is instigating the divorce

Kids will live with me,
I will live in the marital home with them

She will visit most days for dinner and have kids eow

I was not planning on pursuing childmaintenance

What would be a fair financial settlement?

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 22/05/2022 19:48

Two proper homes for the children, close to each other to facilitate the shared care.

Funny - not haha - how some people on Mumsnet are so out of touch with the real world.

lassof · 22/05/2022 20:00

YRGAM · 22/05/2022 19:48

This

To be honest OP I would take this to a more gender balanced forum, much of the advice you receive here will be motivated by prejudice

Show quote history

Do you really think that in a divorce where the woman has primary care, that she gets to just 'keep the house' and is advised on mumsnet to let her ex come over for tea as the childcare arrangement?
It's a 50:50 starting point (and finishing point, I believe, in Scotland) moving to 60:40 for example as a negotiation ... and without a visitation order on the house for dinner 3x a week.
Nothing to do with male or female.

lassof · 22/05/2022 20:02

Iflyaway · 22/05/2022 19:48

Two proper homes for the children, close to each other to facilitate the shared care.

Funny - not haha - how some people on Mumsnet are so out of touch with the real world.

That's my world. We did 50:50 split and do 50:50 shared care. Houses near each other. Works well, I recommend it.

titchy · 22/05/2022 20:04

The problem with your offer from her pov is that she won't be able to claim benefits with that amount in the bank and won't get spousal from you. She may well therefore want to stay in the house and be the main carer with you giving her CM.

FloydPepper · 22/05/2022 20:09

YRGAM · 22/05/2022 19:48

This

To be honest OP I would take this to a more gender balanced forum, much of the advice you receive here will be motivated by prejudice

Show quote history

Unfortunately this is very true. Lots of posters will just give you a kicking because you’re a man.

a woman in your position would be sympathised with, advised to ask for more than half so she can support the kids, and her ex castigated as a lazy cocklodger she’s better off without.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 22/05/2022 20:10

Omgitsme · 22/05/2022 19:21

Also just to also clarify

She is the one pushing for the divorce not me

You keep on saying this but it really isn't relevant. People don't get punished in divorce for bad behaviour or rewarded for how many dishes they have washed. I have no idea why you are on here asking what is fair - surely your common sense would tell you that your solicitor will advise you.

Knifer · 22/05/2022 20:15

If she's the one on her arse, getting everything paid for for her while you take care of everything, why does she want to leave you? You say that her doing nothing is one of the problems. Why does she have a problem with herself doing nothing and divorce is her answer? Why is she cutting her nose off to spite her face?

Basically, there's more to this and it's hard to give financial advice or decide whether your proposal is reasonable or if you're fucking her over with the entire deck of cards in your hand

Original poster
Omgitsme · 22/05/2022 20:25

titchy · 22/05/2022 20:04

The problem with your offer from her pov is that she won't be able to claim benefits with that amount in the bank and won't get spousal from you. She may well therefore want to stay in the house and be the main carer with you giving her CM.

Potentially she could use it foe a deposit on a shared ownership flat

If she got a job as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Omgitsme · 22/05/2022 20:29

Knifer · 22/05/2022 20:15

If she's the one on her arse, getting everything paid for for her while you take care of everything, why does she want to leave you? You say that her doing nothing is one of the problems. Why does she have a problem with herself doing nothing and divorce is her answer? Why is she cutting her nose off to spite her face?

Basically, there's more to this and it's hard to give financial advice or decide whether your proposal is reasonable or if you're fucking her over with the entire deck of cards in your hand

Of course there is more to it than that

But it's equally true that we do get on fine together and the point behind the post was the financial side of it rather than why we are breaking up

The bits I said before about her having easy access to the children is true and there are no disputes about that

And no I have not had a affair

(I do however earn above average and work in sales with long hours)

OP posts:
lassof · 22/05/2022 20:55

titchy · 22/05/2022 20:04

The problem with your offer from her pov is that she won't be able to claim benefits with that amount in the bank and won't get spousal from you. She may well therefore want to stay in the house and be the main carer with you giving her CM.

And yet apparently she wants to not claim benefits, live off the 40k, visit her kids in her now ex's house, and there's nothing wrong at all and it's just exactly what she wants.
According to op.

Original poster
Omgitsme · 22/05/2022 21:07

lassof · 22/05/2022 20:55

And yet apparently she wants to not claim benefits, live off the 40k, visit her kids in her now ex's house, and there's nothing wrong at all and it's just exactly what she wants.
According to op.

Show quote history

I never said that

I said she should get a job soon (as in she told me)

I said that several times

I never once said she would live off the £40000

That is not realistic

OP posts:
lassof · 22/05/2022 21:56

No, it is isn't realistic. Nor is your offer. However, you can propose any old nonsense, it's up to you. Out of interest, what were your plans for pension splitting if not cash equivalent? She waits 12 years for a share of the house, and how many for the pension?
Have you started to consider what you will do if she doesn't agree? I do sympathise on that, it's hard to sell a family home, especially if it's not your choice, but if you can't afford to buy her out it's probably going to happen.
Can you increase your salary so you can remortgage?

Mumof3confused · 22/05/2022 23:17

I think some people responding here have no experience of divorce and I am no solicitor either, but from my experience the split is worked out based on how many NIGHTS your children spend with each of you. If they are only staying with her on weekends, you have the children more and therefore your need for housing will be deemed greater than hers. You may well find that you end up with a 70/30 capital split in your favour if you have the children 70% of the time.

As for the pension, that is a different matter and you’d probably find that would be split more equally.

howtomoveforwards · 23/05/2022 11:49

If it goes to court the judge would take the welfare of the children into account
And if its decided that the children would be better served staying in the house then I can keep it. She would either need to accept less or a delayed payment, I'm not saying that to be nasty but that is my understanding

You're not wrong. However, a judge is going to want to see that things are fair- it's not OK to just say 'she'll have to sort herself out on £40k' which is what you seem to be saying at the moment. She is going to need somewhere suitable to live with enough room for the children to stay over. You have £200k equity - £100k each would be a good deposit with which to purchase two new homes as single people. It isnt' as simple as 'I can afford to take over the mortgage therefore she'll have to accept deferred payment'.

It is not acceptable that you control your wife's access to your children from your former marital home - you need to be really careful with that one. Your wife will need to be able to pursue and nurture an independent relationship with them. What happens if she is seeing the chidren in the former marital home and your new partner doesn't like it?

LoekMa · 23/05/2022 12:10

Best of Luck OP. Makes me happy to see scenarios where Men stay in the family home and take on primary Childcare as opposed to letting themselves get kicked out of a home they purchased.

Also, dont let other posters discourage you, judges are changing with the time. If your soon to be Ex Wife doesnt have a disability or illness preventing her from working, it will NOT be looked upon favourably when it comes to deciding who gets what.

If possible, get a solicitor to look over the settlement, you may think its a waste of money, but tooo many women listen to shady advice online like "take everything he has" and before you know it she could be fighting you on what I see to be a very reasonable settlement.

GarageGalore · 23/05/2022 13:12

Your current home is irrelevant. What is relevant is whether £200k (minus costs) equity is enough for you both to be able to afford to mortgage a 3 bed accommodation each anywhere in the vicinity of where you live. What kind of salary did your stbx earn when she worked, and does she not want the children living with her more...either way it doesn't really matter as she could change her mind in the coming years and apply for change in arrangements then.

altmember · 24/05/2022 00:05

LoekMa · 23/05/2022 12:10

Best of Luck OP. Makes me happy to see scenarios where Men stay in the family home and take on primary Childcare as opposed to letting themselves get kicked out of a home they purchased.

Also, dont let other posters discourage you, judges are changing with the time. If your soon to be Ex Wife doesnt have a disability or illness preventing her from working, it will NOT be looked upon favourably when it comes to deciding who gets what.

If possible, get a solicitor to look over the settlement, you may think its a waste of money, but tooo many women listen to shady advice online like "take everything he has" and before you know it she could be fighting you on what I see to be a very reasonable settlement.

That's all great. As long as the OP can convince the court of everything, and his ex rolls over and doesn't fight it.

It would be very easy for ex to say she's now a stay at home parent and does all the domestic stuff while OP works his 'long hours'. Especially after taking legal advice. That will sound more plausible to the court than the OP does everything and ex nothing.

The OP seems to be particularly focussed on keeping the house above all else. Op will have to be careful not to open himself up to accusation of being financially controlling.

If it goes to court the judge would take the welfare of the children into account
And if its decided that the children would be better served staying in the house then I can keep it

The judge would put the welfare of the children first, not just into account. They are unlikely to decide that it's best for the children to stay in the house if the OP can't raise enough of a mortgage alone to buy her out.

If they award the OP's ex a 'future payment' from the house, it'll be based on percentage share, not a flat 40k or whatever. That could end up being worth 80k by the time the youngest child is 18.

I've been working then coming home, making dinner, washing up, doing the kids homework whilst she just goes upstairs and plays with her phone
I do the shopping, meal planning, bulk of the washing and general house tidying

(I do however earn above average and work in sales with long hours)

It's impressive that you're able to fit all that in, in fact it's impressive that there are enough hours in the day for it. I'm not at sure how working long hours is realistically compatible with being a single parent.

I do not expect childcare to be an issue as such, we get in fine in that respect
She will visit most days for dinner and have kids eow

Who's 'we'? Reading between the lines it sounds as though the OP is planning for his ex to provide wrap around child care to support his long working hours? Meet the kids out of school, take them back to the OP's house, give them dinner and then leave when the OP gets home from work? That's not going to make it easy for the ex to get a decent job is it?

Or if the OP means using professional child care while he works his 'long hours', I'm not sure the court will decide this is in the best interests of the children when their mother not working and available to be primary carer. Sounds like the OP has higher earning potential and the court may decide it overall better for the children for him to be the NRP and support the ex whilst she stays in the family home. Also, I suspect it's more a case of the kids saying they want to stay in the family home, regardless of which parent is living there with them.

And I'm saying this as a single father of 3 myself. I just think OP is being rather optimistic with the settlement he's proposing.

Original poster
Omgitsme · 24/05/2022 07:24

altmember · 24/05/2022 00:05

That's all great. As long as the OP can convince the court of everything, and his ex rolls over and doesn't fight it.

It would be very easy for ex to say she's now a stay at home parent and does all the domestic stuff while OP works his 'long hours'. Especially after taking legal advice. That will sound more plausible to the court than the OP does everything and ex nothing.

The OP seems to be particularly focussed on keeping the house above all else. Op will have to be careful not to open himself up to accusation of being financially controlling.

If it goes to court the judge would take the welfare of the children into account
And if its decided that the children would be better served staying in the house then I can keep it

The judge would put the welfare of the children first, not just into account. They are unlikely to decide that it's best for the children to stay in the house if the OP can't raise enough of a mortgage alone to buy her out.

If they award the OP's ex a 'future payment' from the house, it'll be based on percentage share, not a flat 40k or whatever. That could end up being worth 80k by the time the youngest child is 18.

I've been working then coming home, making dinner, washing up, doing the kids homework whilst she just goes upstairs and plays with her phone
I do the shopping, meal planning, bulk of the washing and general house tidying

(I do however earn above average and work in sales with long hours)

It's impressive that you're able to fit all that in, in fact it's impressive that there are enough hours in the day for it. I'm not at sure how working long hours is realistically compatible with being a single parent.

I do not expect childcare to be an issue as such, we get in fine in that respect
She will visit most days for dinner and have kids eow

Who's 'we'? Reading between the lines it sounds as though the OP is planning for his ex to provide wrap around child care to support his long working hours? Meet the kids out of school, take them back to the OP's house, give them dinner and then leave when the OP gets home from work? That's not going to make it easy for the ex to get a decent job is it?

Or if the OP means using professional child care while he works his 'long hours', I'm not sure the court will decide this is in the best interests of the children when their mother not working and available to be primary carer. Sounds like the OP has higher earning potential and the court may decide it overall better for the children for him to be the NRP and support the ex whilst she stays in the family home. Also, I suspect it's more a case of the kids saying they want to stay in the family home, regardless of which parent is living there with them.

And I'm saying this as a single father of 3 myself. I just think OP is being rather optimistic with the settlement he's proposing.

Show quote history

In answer to a few of your questions

For house keeping I'm good at de cluttering which makes tidying the house so much quicker and easier

I have a few options for childcare, my parents, mu (ex) wife or after school club, after school club will enable my wife to work full time

Yes it might be a percentage of the house in the future rather than set amount, I might of got that bit wrong by the look of it

I will never be the none resident parent, just not going to happen

OP posts:
RitaFaircloughsWig · 24/05/2022 10:54

For house keeping I'm good at de cluttering which makes tidying the house so much quicker and easier 😂

GarageGalore · 24/05/2022 11:18

Can I just add that family court is a complete gamble, when it comes to finances you won't see the same judge twice and there is a massive amount of latitude, so the outcome can vary quite considerably and not always as you might expect

Snog · 24/05/2022 11:20

My female friends who have got divorced recently all had their kids 90-100% of the time. They all got 60/40 settlements in their favour and all were clean break divorces.

knittingaddict · 24/05/2022 11:20

Omgitsme · 21/05/2022 12:25

Reading other posts I think a percentage of the house could be fairer for her to have in the future if she agrees

If we sold I would be unable to buy a house here, we live in an lovely (expensive) town

It would be a two bedroom flat which would be rather hard with kids

Well thats just the reality of splitting up.

My daughter went from a lovely 5 bed/3 bath house to a 2 bed/1 bath terrace. She has the children most of the time. Ex has a house. Not sure how big, but it's not anything like as nice as the marital home.

Clean breaks are preferred by courts these days and most people have to sell the house, split the equity and downsize. Staying in the lovely marital home is a luxury few can afford.

knittingaddict · 24/05/2022 11:22

Deargod89 · 21/05/2022 19:02

There is something about your tone that is so off. I hope your wife is alright.

I agree.

knittingaddict · 24/05/2022 11:27

abblie · 22/05/2022 19:28

I'm thinking the same lol

Show quote history

No it isn't. Clean breaks are the order of the day. I would never say that a woman should stay in the marital home with her children and not have to sell the home. Both parties are entitled to a share of the equity.

Snapthus78 · 24/05/2022 13:39

I was in a similar situation to the OP a few years back. The 3 kids stayed with me in the family home and my ex wife saw them EOW and payed maintenance. Assets were split more or less equally. All done by correspondence between solicitors. Not that unusual and what would be expected if the roles were reversed.