Not married, baby’s surname

[Jusetj]

Why is it important to have your own surname? I think I’ve probably missed something huge here but I’ve read loads that you shouldn’t give the other surname, I’m just not sure why?

Um, thanks, but what does that have to do with the subject of the thread, or the question I asked you?

Its a symbol of love and trust and yes it is tradition. Why are some women on Mumsnet (never in the real world) so determined that women don’t change their names or (more bizzare) trying to pretend it’s not perfectly normal.
Feminism, darling. Wanting at least equal status for women, including owning their surnames and not being subject to misogynistic expectations just because they were born female.

I do hope you don’t have daughters.

Do you need to be so unnecessarily patronising, darling?

@CorpseReviver

The vast majority of women take or are going to take their husbands name or - if they have a baby before married, give the child the fathers surname. Those who do not are attracted to comment on posts like this, so they are vastly over represented on Mumsnet when it’s discussed.

And yes by your logic, if taking your husbands name makes you subservient to men because (in your mind) that was it’s original purpose, then invoking a Norse gods name and honouring it with an entire day must therefore men you are honouring Thor or Woden etc. After all - if you don’t believe in the Norse Gods why don’t you go against tradition and call that day something else? Or is some tradition bad and needs to be examined whereas others don’t?

And I do think that if your unmarried and intend to change your name on marriage then it would show a lack of trust in your man not to give a child born before marriage his name. As for not taking your husbands name that is your personal choice - but it’s not one the majority make for themselves.
It would be interesting to see if couple who don’t change or hyphenate have higher breakup rates. It does seem to be a very ideologically based decision not to so perhaps it does have some bearing on how likely they are to break up or have trust issues.

@OnceAgainWithFeeling

Too late darling! 3! All took their husbands name!😀

Guess it must be my positive influence!

@OnceAgainWithFeeling

And what do you mean “at least equal status”? Do you want more than equal status.

@Tamzo85 Keeping my own name when I got married took precisely zero effort and has caused precisely zero problems. (Whereas changing it would have been expensive, annoying and had professional implications.)

Starting to refer to days of the week as random made-up words would be an utterly bizarre and confusing thing to do. They really aren't comparable, at all.

I agree that changing or not changing your name is 'ideologically based'. Those of us who are aware of feminism and patriarchy and have thought about it are far less likely to do so, whereas those who blindly follow 'tradition' and do it 'because it's the done thing' are far more likely to do so.

As for how it relates to break-up rates, I have no idea. It certainly doesn't have any correlation among people I know personally, not least because men who aren't concerned about asserting their dominance over their partners tend to have a generally more equitable, fair and reasonable approach to relationships, but that's just anecdote. Perhaps someone has done the research - you could look into it?

In the meantime, you might find this interesting
www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200921-why-do-women-still-change-their-names

@Tamzo85
Too late darling! 3! All took their husbands name!😀 Guess it must be my positive influence!

Why are you proud that you raised three young women to believe they are lesser than their male partners? That's not something to be happy about. It's really sad.

Can you explain how you've come to that conclusion?

@Tamzo85

Why are some women on Mumsnet (never in the real world) so determined that women don’t change their names or (more bizzare) trying to pretend it’s not perfectly normal.

This is such a weird thing to say - the same women on MN exist in the 'real world' too you know. This isn't all a virtual social experiment.

In my 'real world' I would say at least 25% of women I know who have gotten married have kept their own last name.

Those with established careers and profiles in particular either didn't want, or couldn't be arsed to deal with, the admin of changing their name on everything especially if they had a great professional reputation and were known well by their own last name.

That % is probably much lower in some demographics and much higher in others, for loads of different reasons.

But it's silly to say people 'never' do something in the real world when some clearly do.

@CorpseReviver

Oh no, I’ve raised three beautiful women who trust their husbands enough to take their names and so are proud to share them with their children. I’m very proud of all of them.
And I’ve gained three sons, rather than just three dudes my daughters happen to have kids with, not that anyone would know it.

And everyone is aware of “feminism and patriarchy” yada yada yada, it’s just most don’t really care, but it’s not because your operating on some deeper level of thought as you seem to think. What an arrogant way to see things - “I believe in not changing names so anyone who doesn’t is clearly ignorant or can’t understand”. Whatever.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

The stats say about 92% of women take their husbands name. Obviously it will be different if you feel strongly about these things and have feminist friends or whatever.

Itnis what it is, I’m not trying to judge anyone, just pointing out that it is the vast majority.

sorry 96%

And everyone is aware of “feminism and patriarchy” yada yada yada, it’s just most don’t really care, but it’s not because your operating on some deeper level of thought as you seem to think.

This is clearly bollocks though. No, not everyone is 'aware of feminism and patriarchy'. Just see how many posts in this thread are from women who did it 'because everyone does' - and see how many come to regret it later.

Your daughters have all declared themselves subordinate to their husbands and have supported and perpetuated a patriarchal system that continues to destroy the lives of women and girls around the world. A system in which women and girls are inferior, are property, are abused, are denigrated, and are devalued. I wouldn't feel proud of that.

I'm off now.

You might (but probably won't) find this interesting:
thestack.world/news/society/people/why-do-so-many-women-still-change-their-last-name-when-they-marry-1623841452004

Oh and it's about 90% in the UK. 70% in the US. And falling.

@CorpseReviver

Lol, I’ll be sure to tell my daughters, it will give them a laugh. The reason it is falling in the US is because many Latino women follow the Spanish tradition and they are a large demographic there. It’s not because of any change in attitude.