Not married, baby’s surname

[Jusetj]

Why is it important to have your own surname? I think I’ve probably missed something huge here but I’ve read loads that you shouldn’t give the other surname, I’m just not sure why?

It shouldn't matter if your child has your name or his name when it comes to travel. A parent travelling alone could be kidnapping the child to live abroad and it should be questioned at passport control. Family experience of this happening and didn't see the children again until they were adults.

Give your child your name or don't but it shouldn't be because of travel.

It can cause problems when travelling @ancientgran . Whether or not it should won't make a jot of difference

Well good if it causes problems, it should do every time in fact I think any child being taken abroad should be worth a few questions if it stops abductions.

Firstly (referring to the poster you quoted,) , sometimes it’s not suitable to double barrel both parents surnames, as they may sound fine separately, but ridiculous when put together.

Secondly, no need to be condescending with your comments regarding trust issues, and ‘why would you choose to have a dc with someone you don’t trust’

I believe that the vast majority of women (including me) who give our dc’s their father’s surnames when unmarried, do so because they have no reason not to trust that these men will help to raise the children together.
Yes, it’s possible that relationships may not work out, as mine didn’t. However, I still believed that even if we separated, my ex would be a very involved parent. After all, I wouldn’t have considered having children in the first place with him if I thought he didn’t want them.
I trusted him enough to have his kids, so why wouldn’t I have trusted he’d be there for them whilst growing up?

You yourself have given your dc their father’s name. That puts you in exactly the same boat as all the other women who’ve done the same thing without being married.
Yes, you’re GETTING married (and I don’t want to rain in your parade), but you don’t know for absolute certainty that you won’t suddenly separate before you’re due to tie the knot. … don’t be naive to think that some men can’t turn their backs on their families, go off with someone else and no longer bother to be involved in their children’s lives.
And if this does happen (and your kids have a different surname) then would you like some random person on the internet to question your ‘trust issues’?

I should’ve added, I think unmarried women who give their dc’s their father’s surnames, do so not because they don’t trust their partners, but because they DO TRUST their partners too much.
Thats what happened in my case anyway, I was too trusting and maybe too naive to think I’d be eventually left raising my children alone. As I said on an earlier post, I urge every unmarried woman to give their dc’s their surname, no matter what. I wish I had.

@Sunsetandsandybeach I'm getting married in 4 months, our DS will be 9 months old. We are together 9 years, own a home together, I have no fear that he will run off and leave me before the wedding. No one knows how any relationship or marriage will work out but I don't see the point in living your life by 'what ifs'. At that rate no one would ever marry or have a DC with someone in case they disappear.

You sound quite bitter from your posts. I don't see the difference in giving DC their fathers surname married or not unless the father has absolutely nothing to do with the DC. When we get married and I take my partners surname, should we ever split up I would never consider changing DS's surname to my maiden name?

And I was with mine for years too, own home etc , then we had two kids and I thought we had a happy rock solid relationship. That’s why I gave my kids his surname, especially as we’d talked about getting married eventually.
(Even if we split up I assumed he’d be an involved father, like I’ve already said, and I didn’t mind if my kids had their dads surname, as long as he’d help me to raise them too)

Then he met someone else and after a couple of years he stopped bothering full stop with our kids.
It’s nasty of you to accuse me of being bitter, I’m not at all, I’m trying to make people see realistically what MAY happen, mind you, to be fair I don’t value the opinion of someone who comes across as a smug ‘It wouldn’t happen to me’ know it all like yourself.

Would you change yours back? How come you, the woman, see your surname as on loan rather than permanent?

@Sunsetandsandybeach I've never said it won't happen to me. No one knows how their relationship will pan out as I've said.

I also was explaining why I gave DS my partners surname. We are getting married in a few months. So why would I give him my name to have to change it after the wedding. Surely you can see my point there?

I just don't see a name as that big of a deal if it's someone you could see a long term future with. Nothing is ever certain, regardless of what commitments two people have together.

Your DC having your ex husbands name doesn't matter imo, you were the one that raised them and was there for them at all ages, I'm sure they don't care who's surname they have but are fully aware of what parent cared for them.

@happypineapples - when you get married did your DH not consider changing his surname to yours?

Surely it’s nothing to do with trust or whatever
it’s that you’re their parent, you birthed them, you’ll likely be primary carer (even if your DP is a good partner, statistically you’re still more likely to pick up more than half of childcare and household chores.)

so why would you demote yourself and leave yourself/your family out of their legal name purely on the basis that you are a woman.
just on principle I’d feel a bit ick about this

@PronounMadness I'm not in that situation to know whether I would or not. Its not really something you think about when you're getting married either is it? If this doesn't work out will I change my name back, who will keep the house, what way will custody of DC go? Thats not really how I like to look at life, it's a bit doom and gloom

I wouldn't even suggest it, don't see why I would. Realistically if you picked 100 married couples, how many would've taken on the woman's surname as the family name? It's not the done thing.

@happypineapples
I wouldn't even suggest it, don't see why I would. Realistically if you picked 100 married couples, how many would've taken on the woman's surname as the family name? It's not the done thing.

Why would you change your name to his?

Because I want to?

why not?

(hint - SEXISM)

Social conditioning.

(Women in Spain would be greatly amused at the idea, for example.)

Most men don’t. Some fear that their dicks will fall off if they consider it, I think.

The tradition is rooted in men legally OWNING women and children. It has no place in modern society. There is nothing romantic about it and girls should be taught the origins of the practice early to ensure they don’t do it as mindlessly as some posters on here.

Women carry, birth and often feed the babies. Men can support, but rewarding that in advance by bestowing the father’s surname rather than the mother’s (which should not IMV be the same unless by a fluke) is just absurd to me.

@happypineapples
"Why would you change your name to his?"
Because I want to?

Why do you want to?

Why's it of such an interest to you? I take it you are either not married or didn't take your partners name if you are. I want to share the same name as my husband and son.

@CorpseReviver

Its a symbol of love and trust and yes it is tradition. Why are some women on Mumsnet (never in the real world) so determined that women don’t change their names or (more bizzare) trying to pretend it’s not perfectly normal.

Changing your name doesn’t make you the slave of a man, it never has. Even if you don’t like it’s origins (and I don’t give a shit), so what? How many people celebrate Christmas that aren’t practicing Christians? How many people don’t believe in the Norse gods yet honour them by saying 4 of the 7 days of the week?

@Tamzo85 Are you genuinely suggesting that it's "only on Mumsnet" that women don't take their husbands' names when they get married?

Or that saying "Wednesday" implies worshipping Woden?

Its a symbol of love and trust and yes it is tradition.

Do you think that women and men who don't take their partner's name don't love and trust them?

Changing your name doesn’t make you the slave of a man, it never has.

Getting married made you a man's property until the late 19th century. It was legal for a man to rape his wife until 1991. You may be happy to dismiss centuries of rape, abuse, oppression and domestic slavery, but not all of us are.

@happypineapples
Why's it of such an interest to you? I take it you are either not married or didn't take your partners name if you are. I want to share the same name as my husband and son.

Why doesn't he take your name?

Because I don't want him to? Lol why would we go against tradition for absolutely no reason?

@CorpseReviver you sound like a bundle of fun.