Not married, baby’s surname

[Jusetj]

Why is it important to have your own surname? I think I’ve probably missed something huge here but I’ve read loads that you shouldn’t give the other surname, I’m just not sure why?

Giving a child their fathers name is all about trying to avoid 'shame'.

It was considered terribly shameful to be an unmarried mother. A woman giving their child their maiden name really marked the child out as 'illegitimate'.

When it started to become more accepted to have children without marriage this tradition of giving them their father's name started. It was a way of removing the shame I guess. Also a way for fathers to claim their paternity.

Personally I think children should have their mothers name or both parents names.

pretending that surnames are not patrilineal is ridiculous.

Wow. You surely can't really be this ignorant of other cultures around the world?

Spain, Portugal, China and Japan (to pick a few examples) are hardly obscure places.

how many had their father ‘give them away’?

Are you asking how many of the women here who kept our own names and gave our children our names, or double-barrelled them, were 'given away' by our fathers when we got married?

I can't speak for anyone else, but OBVIOUSLY I didn't do that, because my opposition to acting as a tool of the patriarchy isn't limited only to my and my children's names. Surely this isn't surprising?

It doesn’t matter how kind he is, how great he is, how much he tells you one day you will be married, don’t give the baby his name!! Give the baby YOUR name and if you marry and change it, then change the baby to YOUR new name. Always keep it in your name whatever it may be-do not be foolish, learn from others mistakes if you can.

trust me though, don’t do it, even if the earth is promised!!

how many had their father ‘give them away’?

<shudders>

Double barrel is the fairest, most sensible way to go. Then the can always drop one depending on who they live with after you break up.

Nooo

A Child's name has nothing to do with relationship status. It's their identity, if you want to chop and change names it's a goldfish you need. When naming a child it should be done with a view of permenance

So it would seem the reason to not give your partner’s surname is ‘in case you break up’.

Personally, I don’t get this way of thinking. Surely if you’ve made the decision to have a child together - you’ve made the ultimate commitment to one another. Preparing to split up from the outset says something about the state of the relationship IMHO.

No. The question is, why would you NOT give your child your name?

“after you break up”

Why are they going to break up? I’m so confused by this attitude that a break up is an inevitability. Surely they should be working on being a solid family unit? All sharing a name? 🤷🏼‍♀️

No it really isn’t. It’s tradition for the children, and all members of the family, to have the father’s surname.

I love when people spout out the ;fathers name, your fathers name or your mothers fathers name.
because somehow in that scenario my dh has an actual name- ie, not just his fathers name. My father has an actual name- ie. not just his fathers name. But my mother doesn't have a name- it's her fathers name. If it ain't my name or my mothers it sure as fuck isn't my dads name or my dh's.

If you are not married then it doesn't make any sense.

I (stupidly) married and changed my name. Now divorced so children have different name to me and I have to keep married name for my career. Big regret I have, every day when I have to use his name. Outside of work I went back to maiden name.

Maybe if you stayed with the dad but given 50% of relationships fail its high risk to change name.

A father can veto the name change so its practically impossible for a child's name to be changed.

Is the dad insisting on his name?

On Mumsnet I always see people talking about the problems of having a different surname to your child, going on about doctor's appointments, and even schools, being an issue, and that has not been my experience at all. Over the years I've had to deal with lots of people in various roles, as one of my children is disabled, and it is no issue to say "Hi, I'm Sally Smith, Tom Brown's mum ..." - I've never come across any professional who can't understand how we can have different names. Professionally I also encounter many children who have mothers with a different surname to them; I have no idea if the parents are married, as it is not relevant, but I assume many are.
Lots of women are married, but have not given up their own name and they and the father are free to choose either surname, or combination, that they want, for whatever reasons - I just don't understand why people on here get so het up over it. I'm their mother, we don't need to share a surname to prove it.

They can share her name.

Why would sharing a name make for a solid family unit?
DH has his surname, I have mine and DT’s have both - still makes us a family?

You are wrong

If the parents are married, then the mother may have changed the name to the father's. The babies are traditionally given the mother's name (her married name)

If unmarried, until very recently, it was also the mother's name (her birth name)

It's only really since he 1980s that people have been using the new trend of giving babies the father's name (rather than matching the mother's)

And are finding out how inconvenient it can be.

I'm not married, been with my partner for years though and I never had a second thought my little one was always going to have my partners surname.... however I think this is because of the way I was brought up. My Parents are not married either and I have my dads surname.

Babies traditionally have, and IMO should continue to, be named after their mothers.

Its the mother who does the hard work of growing and birthing the baby, and even in great relationships, is likely to do the majority of the care of the child. Why shouldn’t they have her name?

Both my DC have their dad’s surname, to be honest I wish I had given them mine.

To be honest I didn’t really give it much thought, but thinking back I remember DP getting all huffy as the ID bracelet had Baby Eightiesfan on instead of his name. He actually queried it with the nurse hoping to have it ‘corrected’. The nurse gave him short shrift and told him that babies were always identified by the mothers name as I was the one registered in hospital not him!

I also remember the PIL questioning me about whose name we were going to use.

My relationship with DP is good, but the name thing might have caused issues if we had split up. Once while at the airport, I was questioned about whether I had permission to take them out of the country. The woman was very nice, but mentioned that I would need a solicitors letter giving me permission if I wasn’t travelling with their dad. He was there but just following a few minutes behind.

Having a child is a commitment from each parent to the child, but one plenty of parents manage to duck out of. Unmarried parents are statistically more likely to split up than married ones.

Agree.

Not only that, I would say it's more important as you're not married, you're likely to be doing most of the baby heavy lifting, and you will be the one left holding the baby if the relationship breaks down.

Don't get why so many people think dads should get the baby's surname to match theirs when the mother's role is equally if not more important in most households when it comes to looking after said baby.

My EXP and I separated before DD birth and she has both our names, double barrelled. She is our DD, doesn't 'belong' to one of us more than the other.

Surely if you’ve made the decision to have a child together - you’ve made the ultimate commitment to one another

I don't agree with that. You've both made a massive commitment to the DC (which unfortunately not everyone lives up to)
That's not a synonym for commitment to each other.
(Which may similarly fail)

My biggest regret too is giving my kids the ex’s surname , especially as I’ve bought them up on my own with hardly any input from their so called father.

Sorry that you're in this position. I have heard SO MANY women say the same, both on here and in real life. I've never heard anyone express regret the other way round, which in and of itself is pretty telling.
Your kids are lucky to have you anyway.