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Original poster

Anxious, sick to my stomach terrified about my marriage

97 replies

anxiouswifetobe · 14/05/2022 10:25

The recent flurry of threads about age gaps, older fathers, men over 40, I'm just in an absolute state to be honest. I am 29 and my husband is 42. I had reservations about the age difference when we met, I really did. I left him one year into our relationship as I just thought it couldn't work. We ended up back together and truly, as a person I love him so much and the life we have together. I still don't like the numbers - I hated being 27 and being so anxious about 'advanced paternal age' and sperm quality when ttc and felt at a disadvantage compared to my friends who didn't have to think about this. I wished he was my age or at least closer, I still do, but I don't want him to be gone and to have someone else in his place. We are trying for our second, and I had a missed miscarriage that was picked up at 20 weeks but passed at 11 weeks. I fell into a hole of reading up on what could of caused this, I've found links to older age, mentioned in these threads recently, I'm convinced that's its for me now. That if we fall again it'll end is miscarriage, or a child with SEN, bipolar, schizophrenia, it all feels so doom and gloom. I'm not done having children, does this mean I need to move on? I'm so scared.

OP posts:
PollyDarton1 · 14/05/2022 10:29

Your husband is not old by any stretch of the imagination. 42 is nothing. I feel some of this is definitely fuelled by anxiety and overthinking, and the fact you've had a very sad loss.

TLIMSISNW · 14/05/2022 10:31

I’m sorry about your loss. Honestly though, 42 is not old. It really isn’t.

rnsaslkih · 14/05/2022 10:32

OP me and dh were in our twenties when we had our ds (with autism).

42 is not old for a man. Put this out of your mind.

chisanunian · 14/05/2022 10:35

My DH was 42 when we had our dd.

Resilience9to5 · 14/05/2022 10:35

I think you're catastrophising right now. I wouldn't be a fan of age gap relationships, never had one, don't want one, but right now i think you're fear is losing another baby and you're looking for a peg to hang that on.
There's no difference between 42 and 44 so tbh I'd give yourself a bit more time to build up the resilience you would need to draw on if you did lose another baby.

I remember when my dc2 got a dx of autism I was reading all sorts of nonsense, like if the mother had the baby in a different country from the one she was raised in the baby was more likely to have autism! And I felt like i'd made it happen.

But these articles are talking about likelihoods with a difference of 0.04%

The same goes for older fathers. The likelihoods of anything you wouldn't wish for are only very very slightly increased.

Resilience9to5 · 14/05/2022 10:37

Instead of wading through statistics of what is slightly more likely at x age than at y age, I think you could really acknowledge that you went through something really hard. xx

Clymene · 14/05/2022 10:37

This level of anxiety must be crippling you. Please go and see your gp.

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2022 10:54

If even the thought of having kids is causing you this much stress, stop trying for them. Your stress is more likely to damage their chances than his sperm anyway.

Besides imagine defining your happiness based on what may or may not happen with hypothetical, non existent beings !

How about just choosing to be happy in the here and now, with him?

Pick a new dream. This whole children one is not making you happy. You can't even enjoy being with someone you love because of it. That's not healthy. It's an obsession.

Original poster
anxiouswifetobe · 14/05/2022 11:06

The thought of not having kids or the family I dreamt of is what hurts me. I want the time to have more kids. I don’t want to worry that they may have serious mental health issues because of their dads age. I don’t want to go through what I just went through again. I just wish this wasn’t my situation. I’m not really all for age gaps myself, for these exact reasons and future concerns. I never saw myself in one. But I met him and here I am

OP posts:
EmotionBot9to5 · 14/05/2022 11:12

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but acknowledge that you went through something really really painful. Be kind to yourself. Know that it might be affecting your reasoning. You can afford to wait. Focus on the dc you have now and as another poster said, try and decide to value what you have now. It sounds trite but we're all always thinking about what's next. What about what's now. I know i'm guilty of this too. I'm always thinking life will be easier when....

Try to let go of the determination to expand your family. If it were just the three of you, you'd be ok!? Right? I know you want more children. But right now, you should focus on yourself.

What makes you feel safe? what makes you feel joy? YKWIM? probably sounds trite but take a step back and detach from any one specific outcome as though that and that alone is the only way to be at peace.

I know I've had to do this at times along the way.

KangarooKenny · 14/05/2022 11:13

Some women are having their first at 42. You need to calm down.

MissMaple82 · 14/05/2022 11:18

Ffs he's 42!!!!!!!! Age has little to no factor on miscarriages! And I'll say it again, 42!!!!!

Original poster
anxiouswifetobe · 14/05/2022 11:20

I was pregnant at the same time as three friends and all are fine, healthy babies due soon. Same age as me, same age partners. I just think well that’s obviously what’s done it then isn’t it. I’m the one who didn’t have time to wait. He’s only going to get older. I read posts on here about how older dads can’t relate to their kids, they will give them health issues, they’ll die younger. I just feel awful then. It all feels so heavy and I just cry and cry under the pressure. I don’t want to start again I’ve built a life with someone I love, I just wish it was different and he was my age.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiouswifetobe · 14/05/2022 11:24

Yes he’s 42, now. If we got pregnant now he’d be 43 when they’re born. If we miscarried again he’d be 44. If we struggled to conceive he could easily end up 45 before we know it which is when the sperm quality apparently becomes a plethora of risk factors. Meanwhile I’ll be 32 having to entirely give up on more babies at an age some people are yet to start. I’m losing so many years window to have more kids as opposed to people with same age partners. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

OP posts:
lassof · 14/05/2022 11:25

It's a bit late in the day to be worried about his age now - you have one child already! He was self-interested when he got together with you, you were young, may as well complete your family with the same man and see how things go in your thirties with him. His sperm quality won't be necessarily too bad at his age.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 14/05/2022 11:31

sorry about your missed miscarriage. I’m just confused as to why it wasn’t picked up at your 12 week scan, rather than the 20 week scan?

I honestly think you are overthinking this. Perhaps you and your DH should get fertility check ups for egg quality/spent quality.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 14/05/2022 11:31

Sperm quality. Wish there was an edit button 🤦🏼‍♀️

frozendaisy · 14/05/2022 11:33

Genetics are complicated.
We were not the healthiest individuals or youngest when we first fell pregnant, we conceived our second with our second month of trying.
Our children are neuro-normal.

A few of our friends and family have children whom are neuro-diverse and physically disabled. Most of whom were all younger, and/or healthier parents at conception.

Basically there are no guarantees in the genetics unification. At a guess based on no medical expertise whatsoever if your genetics have already worked together that is a positive step towards indicating they will work again. Based on our family so a test group of 1.

Original poster
anxiouswifetobe · 14/05/2022 11:34

My 12 week scan was at 11+6. At 20 week scan baby measured 11+5. It didn’t make sense to me either but they said he died very soon afterwards.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 14/05/2022 11:38

Your H's age isn't his fault and he can't do anything about it. It was maybe nothing to do with the unfortunate miscarriage. Plenty of people have a child in their 40s and the children don't have MH issues.

Shgytfgtf111 · 14/05/2022 11:43

MH about their parents age that is

Fayekrista · 14/05/2022 11:47

I'm sorry for your loss.

My partner is 52, I'm 33. Currently snuggling our perfect, healthy little boy.

CPL593H · 14/05/2022 11:51

You've been through a bad experience with the missed miscarriage and I'm very sorry you had that, but this is a really unhealthy level of obsession. Everyone here can tell you (correctly) that men over 40/45/whatever father babies without any health issues, but it doesn't sound as if you are in a place to listen to that. I agree with PPs that you should talk to your GP.

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2022 11:53

Sorry op but I think you need to see your gp. This all just sounds....Well, rather bonkers. Maybe see some anti anxiety stuff or something.

You sound like your basing your lifes value on children. Why? Is that all life has to offer you?

You have a man who loves you and a child already. And yet you aren't even enjoying them because of this obsessive mindset. Has ocd been an issue for you in the past by any chance? Because it has that kinda vibe.

ElenaSt · 14/05/2022 11:58

Mick Jagger's still knocking them out with younger partners and he's 104 or thereabouts!

At 42 your husband is still at a young age and your fears need addressing.