Anxious, sick to my stomach terrified about my marriage

[anxiouswifetobe]

The recent flurry of threads about age gaps, older fathers, men over 40, I'm just in an absolute state to be honest. I am 29 and my husband is 42. I had reservations about the age difference when we met, I really did. I left him one year into our relationship as I just thought it couldn't work. We ended up back together and truly, as a person I love him so much and the life we have together. I still don't like the numbers - I hated being 27 and being so anxious about 'advanced paternal age' and sperm quality when ttc and felt at a disadvantage compared to my friends who didn't have to think about this. I wished he was my age or at least closer, I still do, but I don't want him to be gone and to have someone else in his place. We are trying for our second, and I had a missed miscarriage that was picked up at 20 weeks but passed at 11 weeks. I fell into a hole of reading up on what could of caused this, I've found links to older age, mentioned in these threads recently, I'm convinced that's its for me now. That if we fall again it'll end is miscarriage, or a child with SEN, bipolar, schizophrenia, it all feels so doom and gloom. I'm not done having children, does this mean I need to move on? I'm so scared.

I mean this helpfully and not nastily, but a child is more likely to have mental health issues from a parent having mental health issues than from a parent's age. It's very hard to control anxiety but you're more likely to have a child that will struggle with anxiety and other MH conditions if you don't get help to try and stop it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please, please talk to somebody for support with your anxiety, preferably a GP since you say these types of feelings predate your miscarriage. Do that first before committing to marriage or ttc again.

Nonsense. he, a man in his late thirties, chose a young woman in her early/mid twenties with mental health issues around anxiety. Easy target.

What does this mean @lassof ?

My DH is 46 and I'm 31. We have two very young babies who are gorgeous and healthy.
You clearly have an extreme amount of anxiety but please don't get into the mindset that your DHs age is to blame for the loss of your baby. Unfortunately many women have miscarriages and often there is no obvious reason. I think you need to see your GP asap. Maybe you don't want to marry him, but don't let this be your reason why not.

Men have been having healthy babies into old age so calm down. The whole sperm quality thing and male menopause is a much overplayed thing on this site because some women are upset some crass men feel that menapausal women are “past it” so they talk about this stuff as though it’s remotely the same as female fertility issues. It’s not.

Withered Old geezers who have no business having babies have been having them for eons so don’t worry.

It means I do not think "poor man", and was my response to the idea he deserves pity and sympathy here.
Hopefully the op can get some individual and also relationship counselling on the issues on this thread.

My Dad was 49 when I was born. 13 years older than my mum.
He died when I was 16, but I count myself blessed to have known him and he had a huge influence on who I am today.
Certainly didn't have any mental health issues due to his older age or early death

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm with others and that 42 isn't that old. Many people are having babies at later stages. Wishing you all the best.

In the nicest possible way, the problem here is your anxiety.

My parents were 40 when they had me 26 years ago and I’m (mostly) normal. My father in law just had a child aged 45 and again perfectly normal. I even know of a WOMAN who birthed her 4th and last child aged 46 and perfectly healthy! Please get this out of your brain xx

My (now ex) H was 48 when our son was born and I was almost 36.

42 is a perfectly normal age for a man to have children?!

If it's any consolation my BIL was 51 when my neice was born and 53 when my nephew came along two years later, my neice is 5'10" and a beautiful, heathy young woman of 21 and my nephew is an equally healthy, good looking lad around 6'5. So that belies those theories about older parents to a certain extent I

Miscarriages are so common, there is no reason whatsoever to assume it's down to your husband's age - in fact it almost certainly isn't. 1 in 8 pregnancies end in miscarriage, you don't think the fathers are over 40 in every case, do you? I had two when DH and I were in our 20s.

Your problem is your anxiety, not your husband.

You are so over reacting, and need to find out what the problem REALLY is. I had my son when his dad was 46 - they are best mates and spend a lot of time together. And absolutely no issues of any sort.

My husband is 41 this year and we just had a perfect baby. I considered my age to be a potential issue (39, and it wasn't) but never considered that my husband's was.

You really need help for your anxiety and that needs to be your main focus now. Having an anxious parent is not good for children. My late husband was almost 41 when DD1 was born, 2 years older with DD2. No miscarriages in between. And yes, DD2 is autistic but she is a fully independent intelligent adult who has friends, a good social life and is at university.

DD was born when I was 39 and DH was 43. No problems at all then or now.

Op I have 3 children. My eldest and youngest are 10 years apart and are both autistic and moderately deaf. My middle son no issues. So please don't stress. My husband was 40 when we had youngest 30 when we had eldest. It's genes nothing to do with older spetm

My brother was 53 when his last child was born.

I don't think your relationship is healthy and your husbands age has nothing to do with it. That's in no way saying it can't be a great relationship or that you shouldn't be together. Just that age isn't the problem here.

For a start, if you are reading those 'age gap' threads you'll find that very few people at all would have an issue with yours. Those threads are predominantly about the age of the younger partner being teens/very early 20s. Your age gap wouldn't rate a mention.

I urge you to seek help for yourself. I am very sorry for your loss. Like many of us, I've been there. What I do know from my experiences is the obsession that comes after. When the only focus and goal is that precious baby you are desperate to have. Any MH issues you may have had prior, and it sounds like you did, will be magnified. It can take over everything else. You deserve happiness and peace and I urge you to seek this for yourself before having a baby.

Autism is a familial trait in many cases. It runs in my husband's family. Thankfully it's mild in our case and there are just pockets of people who are very good at science subjects and sometimes a little bit socially awkward when young. My eldest child is in medical school, has lots of friends and a partner so it's not a guarantee of a miserable or unsuccessful life.

In my family my grandfather had his last child at 67. This was child no. 19. No autism or anything wrong there.putin

This level of worry is really out of proportion to your chances of having a child with autism, especially if it does not run in you or your husband's families. In the kindest possible way I really do think you should see about some counselling.

He's 42, not 72!

42 is not old ffs

Don't know know how my post had a random reference to Putin!

I think you have health anxiety and you should try and get help for it . 42 isn't old for a father.