Anxious, sick to my stomach terrified about my marriage

[anxiouswifetobe]

The recent flurry of threads about age gaps, older fathers, men over 40, I'm just in an absolute state to be honest. I am 29 and my husband is 42. I had reservations about the age difference when we met, I really did. I left him one year into our relationship as I just thought it couldn't work. We ended up back together and truly, as a person I love him so much and the life we have together. I still don't like the numbers - I hated being 27 and being so anxious about 'advanced paternal age' and sperm quality when ttc and felt at a disadvantage compared to my friends who didn't have to think about this. I wished he was my age or at least closer, I still do, but I don't want him to be gone and to have someone else in his place. We are trying for our second, and I had a missed miscarriage that was picked up at 20 weeks but passed at 11 weeks. I fell into a hole of reading up on what could of caused this, I've found links to older age, mentioned in these threads recently, I'm convinced that's its for me now. That if we fall again it'll end is miscarriage, or a child with SEN, bipolar, schizophrenia, it all feels so doom and gloom. I'm not done having children, does this mean I need to move on? I'm so scared.

I call him my husband but he isn’t, yet. We’re supposed to get married on the 4th June. It’s just all a lot right now and I feel so overwhelmed. I’ve been so excited planning the wedding. I tried on dresses and cried with joy. I was excited to buy our rings. It’s like in the day to day moments of us, I’m so happy. It’s when I think about it all that I spiral so hard. I do have anxious tendencies, I admit and I think I’m in a set up I never saw myself in with such a big age gap and when I think about that it terrifies me and I feel like I need to leave. I read a post on here about being shortchanged ending up with an older man. I can’t resist the age gap threads I read every single one and the chorus of posters saying negative things send me into a spiral. I’ll delete mumsnet for months and force myself to not Google worst case scenario’s and I go back to enjoying my life until something sets me off again and here I go. How can I not want an age gap relationship yet want to marry an older man? How can I be so happy and so terrified? I thought we’d sorted this out, I thought I’d moved on and allowed myself to relax and be happy so we planned the wedding and then the miscarriage happened and the wedding is so close and I feel like I’m paralysed and don’t know what to do.

You really need to get some professional help. Your ageist attitudes towards your husband are going to hurt your marriage. I don't know if you really have discriminatory views or this is all your anxiety talking but you need to get this addressed. Saying your husband is responsible for your miscarriage because he is 42 and blaming him for any issues your current or future kids have is really unfair and quite cruel.

Maybe you don't want to get married and something really is wrong somewhere with your relationship?

Women are always saying they are 'so happy' and 'he's perfect in every other way' when they mean 'I want to run away, it's all awful'.

I have obviously thought that but then I read the posts on here where people want to leave or are unhappy and I don’t feel that way. I don’t dread him coming home I look forward to it. I love his days off together. I enjoy parenting with him. It makes me think I can’t call off the wedding because what If I’m just talking myself into saying I’m not happy and want to leave when really I’m just anxious and would be ruining a good life.

I mean this kindly but your views sound so obsessive, wrong and pretty much fucked up. I think that you are having mental health issues. Please seek help.

Op - I’m sorry about your MC.

No, your husband’s age alone will not have been the cause. 42 isn’t old at all in sperm quality terms. You are spiralling and need to get a bit of a handle on it so you don’t pointlessly f**k up a relationship that you clearly enjoy.

GO GET FERTILITY TESTS. Both of you. Blaming him is utterly unfair (and not factual). Most likely its just nature doing it’s job and your next pregnancy will be fine.

Yes that much is a given. I’m an extremely anxious person and that’s always been the case. I’ve had these freak outs about him before. I always stay though and I always (eventually) calm down and go back to enjoying life until it happens again. Surely if I was desperately unhappy with him and wanted to leave them I wouldn’t have these happy spells with him. I just have so much fear about it too.

My dc dad was 42 and I was 40 pregnancy was fine baby healthy , 42 is not old at all

I think it might help if you got some counselling to unpick this as it sounds to me as though you may have some anxiety issues, no doubt losing your baby will have affected your mental health, that's quite understandable.

Now for the anecdotal comment.
I've a similar age gap with my dh. We married and had our first child at the same age you/him are now.
25 years and two children later, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Kind, loving, an excellent father, with boundless patience and has wrangled teenagers with aplomb.
Am I worried about the future, and sad we have less time than others? yes.
But he's my soul mate and all the negatives of an age gap relationship are nothing when you love each other.

Why not try relationship counselling or individual counselling? I wouldn't worry about the upcoming marriage - it's hardly 'be all-end all' and probably better for you, with a child already, to be married if you do later split up. It sounds like you have had anxiety issues for a long time.

I just want to stop having these fears. When they hit me it is all consuming and I can't think of anything other than whether I should leave or not, would I still feel like this if he was younger, will I regret it etc and it gets so loud in my head and the stomach curling can't eat can't sleep anxiety I just end up shutting off even from my child and being stuck in some nervous breakdown crying in bed.

My DH is 12 years older than me - had to have a vasectomy reversal and was 41, 42, 45 and 47 when we had our children - he is now 66 and cutting his hours down at work so we can spend more time together as our last one is now at uni - OP. Please don't be anxious - there are lots of us out there who have positive experiences.

He's 42, not 142.

Please stop reading stuff you find on google.

You need to go to your GP, worrying about the quality of a 42 year olds sperm is not normal.

All the women in my family have had babies well into their 40s with the dads well into their 50s. All are happy and healthy. A lot of people on MN don't like older parents or partners but in the real world plenty of people have babies and relationships past 30.

In the kindest way OP you need to unravel why you worry so much about being with an older man. If you're happy in every way, apart from his age, you'd be crazy to walk away from what you have. What is it that you're afraid of? If he was 32 would that really make a difference to you?

I'm sorry that you lost your baby but blaming it on your partners age is (in the kindest way) a little bit bonkers. There are lots of reasons why miscarriage happens and very often (and very frustratingly) it is just one of those things.

Age gaps relationship IMO can be problematic - mainly when an older man targets a younger woman because she is far easier to control and manipulate. He will get older his girlfriends younger. There is nothing in your posts that shows this is the case.

The other one can be that he ages before you and you end up doing care. This could happen to any relationship so it is only more likely here - again not an issue here.

If you want to stop having these fears you need to seek professional help because it is an irrational fear and anxiety which clearly has been eating away at you and is causing you and your family distress.

It is unlikely that his age is the reason

www.verywellfamily.com/does-age-affect-male-fertility-1959934

is reassuring that for you both your ages are fine at the moment - you are under 35 and he is under 55. It should not be an issue.

My grandparents had a similar age gap - my Dad was born when his Dad was 41. My Uncle has the same age gap - he had his 2 at 46 and 49 - both are absolutely fine one is at University and the other doing his A levels

My friend’s dad was 77 when she was born, and there was a younger brother after her. Ok, dad died when they were still young but they survived it and grew up ok.
42 isn’t old, turn off Google for a while.

My dp was 44 when we had dd2 who is healthy. 42 really isn’t old for a man to father children!

Op I’m so sorry for your loss. You need to stop looking for reasons and blame and try to find a way of learning to live with the tragic loss and of your baby. find a way of coping that doesn’t involve reason and blame and just understand these things happen at every age.

I had my second child when I was 42 and my partner a similar age. My child I had when I was much younger is the autistic one (and honestly easier than my NT child) . Same partner. There are no guarantees in life, disabilities happen at all ages and there’s not a lot you can do about it.

allow yourself and your partner some kindness. He will be experiencing this loss too. You need to be open about your feelings re the loss and not apportion blame. His swimmers will go on working until the day he dies so you’ve loads of time yet.

He's only 42 for goodness sake, he's far from old! 😄

Poor bloke

You are clearly suffering very much and I'm sorry for your loss. In situations like this I think it's human nature to try and look for the cause or someone to blame. So many what ifs go round our heads when we miscarry. With great kindness, this is going to adversely affect your relationship unless you undergo intensive therapy to get to the bottom of your anxiety. It is unfair of you to focus so much on your partner's age and place any future issues on him. A baby right now is not good for you with this level of anxiety. Maternal stress affects the foetus so if you do go ahead you need to be in the best place possible with your mental health. Pregnancy hormones can make anxiety worse too.
My dad was 42 when mum had me. I'm neurodiverse. My exH was in his mid 20s when we had our dds. They are both neurodiverse. Ds's dad was 43 I think when ds was born, a heavy smoker, junk food diet, obese, sleep apnoea and generally unhealthy Ds is fine. Genetics are complex. Last of all please consider the affect your anxiety is having on your existing dc.

I just hopped on to say, if you keep googling all the risks associated with pregnancy you will drive yourself insane.

For example: "In humans, high levels of anxiety during pregnancy have been associated with an increased risk of developing preeclampsia, premature birth and low birth weight. It has been demonstrated that low birth weight in premature infants has been associated with changes in brain morphology."

That sounds pretty scary. Now you have two risks! An ageing father and an anxious mother.

My point is there is ALWAYS going to be risk and if you look for it online you will find it and frighten yourself. You can't let that fear ruin your life .

Nonsense. he, a man in his late thirties, chose a young woman in her early/mid twenties with mental health issues around anxiety. Easy target.

I had a missed miscarriage too but it was picked up a lot quicker. I was 35 at the time but husband only 33. -- I think quite rightly this event has freaked you out and has you catastrophising-it did me too if I'm honest - between 6and 14 weeks I needed an awful lot of reassurance (every week) that they could still detect heartbeat and actually my doctor was fabulous and willingly obliged . I wouldn't personally want a baby with a guy over 50 purely on the grounds of over 60s can vary enormously in their ability to cope with a teenager (and provide for one too) but you are nowhere near that yet - and that's just preference on my part