Anxious, sick to my stomach terrified about my marriage

[anxiouswifetobe]

The recent flurry of threads about age gaps, older fathers, men over 40, I'm just in an absolute state to be honest. I am 29 and my husband is 42. I had reservations about the age difference when we met, I really did. I left him one year into our relationship as I just thought it couldn't work. We ended up back together and truly, as a person I love him so much and the life we have together. I still don't like the numbers - I hated being 27 and being so anxious about 'advanced paternal age' and sperm quality when ttc and felt at a disadvantage compared to my friends who didn't have to think about this. I wished he was my age or at least closer, I still do, but I don't want him to be gone and to have someone else in his place. We are trying for our second, and I had a missed miscarriage that was picked up at 20 weeks but passed at 11 weeks. I fell into a hole of reading up on what could of caused this, I've found links to older age, mentioned in these threads recently, I'm convinced that's its for me now. That if we fall again it'll end is miscarriage, or a child with SEN, bipolar, schizophrenia, it all feels so doom and gloom. I'm not done having children, does this mean I need to move on? I'm so scared.

If there wasn't the age gap I think it's likely the anxiety would fixate on something else. The way you're talking about this, how consuming it is, it's bigger than that. I know how obsessive this stuff can be, TTC, pregnancy, desperately wanting more DC. Pre and post natal periods can have a big effect on anxiety. That is probably playing into how you feel now and you're dealing with a bereavement too. Of course you want to make sure that never happens again. You want an answer, something you can do to protect yourself, and their aren't any, but there is this fear that it's because your partner is over 40.

The sometimes happy periods doesn't mean much either way really, you can still have happy periods in a toxic relationship. It can be hard if you're that anxious to know what you actually feel so thinking about not having him around might not tell you either way. Can you afford private counselling? If you can I'd self refer personally. If you can't see your GP. Unless your partner's abusive then while you're feeling so anxious isn't a great time to be making big relationship decisions. The anxiety needs to be dealt with first so you can see clearly whether or not you want to continue this relationship.

Posters who are insisting on making pointed comments about the OP’s age gap or her DP’s motives, after reading her clearly distressed posts, really need to have a look at themselves. Why the hell would you do that?

OP, I’m in an what MN would call ‘an age-gap relationship’, and I know what you mean about posts on this forum being triggering. I have anxiety, and latent OCD tendencies, and I can come away from threads on here feeling quite triggered.

The thing is, ime, you obsess over the things you care about. I don’t just care about my DH - I adore him. That’s actually the important thing. Not what a bunch of randoms think about his date of birth.

You have a hell of a lot on - please go to see your GP. It sounds like your anxiety and OCD are in a bit of an understandable spiral, and you could do with some support.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think your MC has knocked you for six OP and you're spiralling into anxiety and obsessive ruminating.
Please do see a GP, you sound absolutely miserable and panicky around something that truly isn't the huge, scary issue you feel it is.
Counselling for the loss of your pregnancy would likely be a good idea.
You obviously love your partner and I fear you going to end up losing this relationship regardless if you don't do something to help yourself.
If I knew that the person I was due to marry was having these thoughts about me I'd call it off myself.

Also, OP, my husband and I have exactly the same age gap as you and our now adult DC are perfectly healthy and always have been.

I was 35 and my husband was 44 when we conceived our first child. He’s a healthy, robust and smart little boy. Be kind to yourself by not overthinking the negative things 😘

You're obviously the wrong person to be married to an "older" man. 13 year gap isn't that big and 42 is not old in general terms or in terms of sperm quality.

He’s 42 !
That is nothing.
Anyone can have a child with problems or disabilities- It’s all a lottery.

Miscarriages have any number of reasons, often unknown so it does no good to compare with friends. Some poodle will have this problem in this problem in their early 20's. It's highly unlikely your husbands age in his early 40's is an issue. That's not old when it comes to men as it can be considered for women of the same age (who frequently still go on to have healthy dc).

If it helps, OP, this study says there’s benefits to delaying fatherhood: www.today.com/parents/study-says-old-dads-are-better-because-823517

As for older dads not being able to bond as well with kids, well maybe if they’re like 70 or something, but I certainly think I’m a better dad for having mine in my late thirties - I’m so much more a calmer and wiser person than I was in my twenties and can handle the tantrums, sibling spats and generally support and relate to them better.

Gently, but this. You are missing so much of life op, obsessing unnecessarily. Please see your GP.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm so sorry you've been suffering so horribly with your mental health. What you describe - spiralling fears; shutting down from everyone and just having to go to bed - is classic anxiety and depression. I suffer with it too and as someone else said, the anxiety is its own thing that is there constantly, but it gets triggered by/hung onto successive different things. So right now it's been triggered by your loss and your hanging it on your husband's age.

You don't deserve life to be like this - any doctor would take one look at you and see you needed treatment. Please do go and seek help, and also reach out to friends and family for support. Feel free to PM me too!

Sending lots of strength and ❤

I think you’re grieving your very sad loss. We all grieve in our own way and maybe you are somehow trying to protect yourself from further sadness by distancing yourself from your husband.

Is there any way you can access counselling for your loss and anxiety?

Overthewine, you are so wrong I don't even know where to start with your statement. 'Cutting it fine' at 42. FFS

Umm… would that research also include the research I linked to which says the exact opposite?

And can we also consider that not being NT isn’t some kind of disability in the vast number of cases? Literally a third of DS’ class has been diagnosed as having either ASD or ADD. My boss’s daughter is being assessed too. The diagnostic criteria have widened so that people who previously would have just labelled geeks or tomboys are now considered to be on the spectrum. It’s at the point where I feel we shouldn’t be considering it autistic spectrum “disorder” rather an example of life’s rich tapestry.

I hated being 27 and being so anxious about 'advanced paternal age'

He's not of 'advanced paternal age' for sperm at all OP.

Maybe there'd be some slight change in some sperm, but if there were any at all it wouldn't be overly significant.

Aside from that though, I had a similar age gap relationship at the same age as you and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone for numerous reasons.

Im sorry for your loss.

But I truly think grief is talking. You talk a lot and "what if".

You have every chance of a successful next pregnancy.

Why would you not recommend it? I’m massively triggered at the moment and really wondering what to do. If you have any light to shed on it it may help.

I'm so sorry for your loss, please take this with the kindness that is intended. I think you are looking for someone/thing to blame for what happened. That is understandable, but it's not a good reason to destroy your relationship. 42 is not old at all, particularly for a man when you are talking about fertility. I really think you need to talk to someone about your anxiety around this.

My DH is older than me, he became a dad for the second time age 41. He is a fab dad. I cannot comment on the medical research on older dads, however if you love him and he loves you then I would really think before you walk away. You could leave meet someone your own age and still struggle to conceive, have a dc with autism, these things are impossible to predict. I have never had any issues with our age gap. I love him not his age. Seek support and then see how you feel.

My dad was in his 40s when he had me and my younger brother. I have much older step brothers.

i got the better daddy. He was relaxed, home more. He was the best man I ever knew and I adored him. The only negative to his age is that me and my children didn’t get nearly enough time with him.

I‘m sorry for your loss. I’m an anxious person too so I understand what it’s like. If it helps, I’m 37 and husband is 43 - our daughter was born a month ago, I got pregnant far quicker than I thought I would, had a totally normal pregnancy (mentally tough but that’s got nothing to do with our ages!) and she’s fine. I recommend staying away from Google (there be monsters)