Maintaining a good relationship with adult children

[DonAlfonso]

My DC are now late teens and they are absolutely lovely. We have a great relationship and I feel incredibly lucky.

I read so many threads on MN about people who have gone NC or LC with parents or otherwise distanced themselves. I am in regular contact with my own parents but tend to keep them at arm's length emotionally because of hurtful things said and done in the past. I find the idea that my relationship with my children might go the same way in future really terrible, so I'm starting this thread to see if anyone has any good advice to avoid this, and to post some ideas of my own.

What do you think helps parents maintain a good relationship with adult children?

Rules I am going to try to follow-

1. Try to be accepting of them as they are rather than disappointed that they didn't do or become the things you imagined.
2. Discuss things like differences in political opinions if it's fun and enlightening for the participants but not otherwise. Don't get pissed and go on a massive rants about immigrants or why white men are actually the most disadvantaged group of all (speaking from experience here!)
3. Accept that best practice around things like pregnancy and childcare changes over time. Don't take it as implied criticism of how you did things.
4. Be welcoming to new partners and remember that it's your role to put them at ease not put them to the test.
5. Be positive. I can remember telling my mum that I'd had an article published on the website of a magazine and her replying "It's not the actual magazine though, is it?" So now I don't tell her that sort of thing. If you have a tendency towards negative word vomit, work on it.
6. Don't be clingy and overly emotionally dependent on them (I think this is a hard one).
7. Model the relationship you want with your adult children with your own parents (hard one if your own parents are difficult).

I'd love to know what other people would suggest.

Don’t dominate their life’s. Don’t give advise - just listen.
If they have children don’t criticise how they decide to bring THEIR children up.
Get a life of your own - don’t gate crash theirs.
be mutually understanding what you BOTH desire together
Dont expect to “stay / camp / host ” into their house - at least book a cheap hotel when you visit - don’t demand to be at their house - then they can cancel it.
Don’t do guilt trips - it will back fire on you.
Also things have changed “when I was your age” blah blah blah move on.

This is a great thread, thank you for all the time you have all put into this. My DS is only 5 so many years ahead but thankfully a lot of what you've all written is the sort of ethos I want to stand by when he's older.

Both me and my brother have a very close relationship with our mother - I see her nearly every day, my brother at the weekends. She brought us up pretty much single handedly as my Dad worked away during the week and was never really present, then he left when I was 17.

She's never judged us for our mistakes, or pushed us in particular directions. I've made a lot of mistakes and she's been there to listen and gently guide without being overbearing or getting too involved. She's been accepting of partners even if (particularly in my case) she didn't like them much as a person. She's never created drama or been needy, she's incredibly independent and self sufficient. Me and my brother of course have been there for her (particularly when Dad left out of the blue) but she's never relied on us emotionally, even though we'd be happy to give it. She's never acted disapprovingly - well, I got drunk last night and she had no sympathy when I said I had a hangover but she'd never lord anything over either of us or make us feel in someway indebted to her for the sacrifices she's made as a parent (of which there are many). She's truly my best friend in the world and I love her to bits. I hope my DS feels the same way about me one day, although I know generally the son-mother relationship can be less strong than the daughter-mother relationship.

Thats so lovely to read.

All good advice. But lots of assumptions that everyone is relatively ‘normal’ and being a good parent will result in good relationships with lovely adult children.

But some adult children are not all that nice, or have hidden MH issues that make them hard to relate to. Criminal behaviour, anti social behaviour or them simply seriously struggling to survive and connect can cause a lot of pain. Some things we cannot control and it can be a bit of a lottery.

Same. From the age of about 8 I was my DMs therapist for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life. Child abuse, alcoholism, depression, etc. I grew up a feeling unsafe and worried.

Yes, you can be the best parent in the world, but sometimes your children can be a bitter disappointment for reasons that are nothing to do with parenting.

The sad thing here is that I see my foster son's mum doing all the things in the 'Don't Do This' list - she doesn't respect his boundaries when he doesn't want to tell her things, she demands contact, she has FOMO so badly that she thinks he constantly messages me instead of her with every little detail of his life. He doesnt - he has his own life, as do my two DC. She's going to lose contact with him, he's pulling away from her, and she doesn't see it's all her own doing.

Meanwhile I have a brilliant relationship with all three of them - doing all the things in the 'Do This' list.

You sound a bit smug there. Maybe his mother is struggling with problems you don’t have? Maybe she had really poor parenting herself and doesn’t know any better?

I've been very very fortunate as I have a lovely relationship with my parents and siblings. There's never been any fallings-out, no resentment (I'm aware of!) or anything like that. And when I boil it down it's because we knew that we were loved, and loved equally, without any doubts. Parents were (and continue to be) utterly fair.

I can't pin it down to something in particular they said or did, just that I knew from the earliest age that I was loved equally (or rather, it didn't occur to me that there was any other way).

So even though at different times of life the siblings have needed different help and support (financial, practical, child-care, emotional...) it doesn't change the fact I'm loved, we're loved. They might have had to focus more on one of us for a few months because of illness or some other problem, but they would have done the same for the others.

It's only as I've got older that I've realised the extent of which some people have favourites (and worse still show their favouritism), treat children and GC unfairly, and the issues that causes between siblings and the next generation.

If you trust in your parents completely that they love you and want what's best for you, it is such a gift - you have an inate feeling of worth that equips you better for life's knocks. If your parents don't show you that unconditional love and support, then it has the opposite effect.

Sorry, long-winded, but in short - show your children they are loved as the people they are, don't show favouritism, make sure they know you are there no matter what (while not pushing yourself in to their lives).

She did have really poor parenting herself. There are reasons why she is as she is. But she is making zero effort to engage in therapy and make positive changes, all she does is blame her child for not being the child she wants. She has been told by Social Services that she has work to do, they have offered her support, she won't engage. I'm not smug at all, I want my foster son to have a great relationship with his mum, but she has to put the same work in that the rest of us have done. Right now all I'm seeing is the impact of her unwillingness to change on him. It's hurting and damaging him. And she won't see it or do anything about it, which isn't bloody good enough.

I stumbled on this thread and I can identify with so many points already.

My situation is that I am about to finalise my divorce from a very controlling and abusive husband - not directed at the kids but they witnessed his mood swings and abuse.

Now we have separated and he is living elsewhere, he now has a better relationship with my 21 year old son which he never had whilst living at home. My son is a recovering addict and is doing brilliantly but he put the family through hell and I supported him and got him into rehab pre covid. He left rehab when the pandemic began, came home and went off the rails to the point where my husband chucked him out of the house during a pandemic. I had to take him to his friend's house living in a horrible flat who was also an addict as he had nowhere else to go. Eventually my son came home. He is now doing well but my marriage broke down and we are about to finalise the divorce.

Now my son has a great relationshop with his dad and accuses me of living in the past and not moving on. We have been together 27 years and my son says I have been using him as his "therapist" which I feel so bad about. He says that I am pushing him away. How do I stop the resentment that he now has a good relationship with a dad who happily threw him out of the family home.

Honestly it is eating me up - I don't want to lose my son. How do I get over the resentment of him and his dad now getting on so well.

I also feel that my son uses the split to gain what is best for him as he frequently asks for money as he has spent all his.

Sorry didn't mean to hi jack this post OP.

I second this.
You shouldn't be telling off and punishing a 17 year old!

I would say be interested in them as people, not just as a route to grandchildren.

So many times people post that their parents, who previously barely contacted them, now want to visit once a week now a baby has arrived.

Also treat them as the age they are, not the age you remember them as. They may have changed and developed since they left home.

That sounds incredibly hard. I have come to the bitter conclusion that no matter what you do for your children, you get kicked in the teeth. It isn't appreciated . I feel quite heartbroken but have decided to start putting myself first and letting them get on with it.
I would step away for a bit and focus on yourself. Your son needs to realise what his father is like for himself. Don't make a scene or blame him, just step away and protect yourself emotionally for a while.

Bump

Placemarking for the brilliant content.
(My Father died & my Mother is a carcrash of a human so all advice good!)

I really agree with this. I see so many posts from women who don’t see their friends anymore, work, have hobbies beyond the kids because that’s all they need, but when that child is 32, living 200 miles away and has their own family and stuff on, what do you have? I think that can create a bit of unrealistic expectations in how often you see/are contacted by them and it can be really tedious if not a bit smothering

Yes, very true.

I have a good relationship with my grown children and the spouse of the married one. My main rule is to recognise them as competent adults all on their own, accept they might have differences that wouldn't fit with my life and choices, but that's not my decision to make. Support them in their life choices and remember it's not all about me (my mother had a big problem with that last bit). I think the main thing is the first bit - accept they are autonomous adults, respect their space.

Love the person they love, well at least like them and at the very least don’t resent them .

MIL and I get on well now but she really struggled letting her baby boy go and was incredibly interfering. I look back and see damage done, she still wanted to be the only woman he needed if that makes sense.

Some of my friends have prioritised their relationships with their parents, particularly with their mothers throughout their adult lives.
My good friend's mother came to live very near her daughter and husband as soon as they started a family. Whenever I saw my friend, her mother came too. They have been best friends, mother and daughter for a very long time. As her mother aged, my friend and her husband were restricted about holidays, moving house, having a job because of looking after her mother. Both my friend's sons live abroad. She hasn't been to see them because of caring for her mother. Her mother has always been demanding and my friend's life has become very narrow. Her poor husband is expected to do a lot of care. He is fed up but his wife's mother always takes priority. Her mother is not even very kind to my friend and she is very critical of her.
I feel my friend has completely lost out because of her dominating mother.
I think there are a lot of women who live in the FOG of caring for their elderly mothers and believing that their mums always come before anyone else.

Great thread
Welcome their partners but make it clear you’re Team Child
DD’s boyfriend is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. But I regularly tell her that if it doesn’t work out I’d drop him like a hot stone, she’s my priority.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Important when they’re little, even more important when they’re big. My role is pretty much company, not advice and I just don’t engage in debates with them they’re gender woo idiots and I’m a proud terf
And this is very very ‘check your privilege’ but an open wallet helps. Idiot DS is doing finals, came home for the weekend and was talking about getting up at 4am to get back for an exam. I sighed, said ‘Mummy fix it’ and bought him a more civilised timed ticket which I’ve emailed him, printed out and will staple to his forehead when I take him his morning coffee tomorrow

-Try to have fun with them without blaming, giving advice and just do fun stuff if you can afford.

-Cook them nice meals every month or so this could be a routine that " it's brunch at mums today" and make sure your home is always their comfort zone.

• Don't be negative and don't be too overbearing.

• Teach them to respect their in-laws because the more they respect, the more your dil and sil would return the favour and not shut you out completely.

-Let them know that you will always be there for them whether it's babysitting duties or house sitting or a shoulder to cry on if shit hits the fan and never judge. Let them know that your door is always open.

• Treat their gf's and partners as part of the family even if you secretly feel that they could do better.

• Listen to them, take interest in their lives. Don't project your negativeness on them or the hardships you have gone through. My mum used to do this talk about all the bad things she experienced from my dad and her in-laws. Every time I mention something, she will just somehow make it all about herself going back decades ago when dad or GM said or did something nasty. This is why over the years I have grown to keep her at arms length. I've tried everything for her to move on and live a fulfilling life from offering to pay her therapy sessions to taking her to the gp for anti dep but you can't help anyone who doesn't want to help them self.

I want to be the fun mum, positive, funny and encouraging where they actually want to spend time with me. We get mentally drained when we spend too much time with negative people and I wouldn't expect my dc to that out of obligation just because I gave birth to them. They don't owe us anything because we didn't ask them if they wanted to be born but we owe them everything from ensuring they are loved, equipped with the tools to battle through life and secretly pray that they live a happy and fulfilling life where they can stand on their own two feet. Also, have your own life as well and don't be clingy waiting at the phone for when they want to call. Have hobbies, spend time with friends, travel if you can afford, visit museums, invest in yourself.

Accept who they are.
Give praise when you can.
Be interested in their lives.
Model self-care.
Accept your own faults and wrong-doings.

If an adult, even if it is your child, tells you your behaviour is not good in a particular area then perhaps it is a good idea to listen?

Or do you presume the foster child isn't able to tell his mother that he isn't contacting his foster mother about the details of his life like he has done to his foster mother?