Maintaining a good relationship with adult children

[DonAlfonso]

My DC are now late teens and they are absolutely lovely. We have a great relationship and I feel incredibly lucky.

I read so many threads on MN about people who have gone NC or LC with parents or otherwise distanced themselves. I am in regular contact with my own parents but tend to keep them at arm's length emotionally because of hurtful things said and done in the past. I find the idea that my relationship with my children might go the same way in future really terrible, so I'm starting this thread to see if anyone has any good advice to avoid this, and to post some ideas of my own.

What do you think helps parents maintain a good relationship with adult children?

Rules I am going to try to follow-

1. Try to be accepting of them as they are rather than disappointed that they didn't do or become the things you imagined.
2. Discuss things like differences in political opinions if it's fun and enlightening for the participants but not otherwise. Don't get pissed and go on a massive rants about immigrants or why white men are actually the most disadvantaged group of all (speaking from experience here!)
3. Accept that best practice around things like pregnancy and childcare changes over time. Don't take it as implied criticism of how you did things.
4. Be welcoming to new partners and remember that it's your role to put them at ease not put them to the test.
5. Be positive. I can remember telling my mum that I'd had an article published on the website of a magazine and her replying "It's not the actual magazine though, is it?" So now I don't tell her that sort of thing. If you have a tendency towards negative word vomit, work on it.
6. Don't be clingy and overly emotionally dependent on them (I think this is a hard one).
7. Model the relationship you want with your adult children with your own parents (hard one if your own parents are difficult).

I'd love to know what other people would suggest.

Good list. My youngest 2 are students and older 3 grown up and we get on fine probably because I do most of what you suggest (and we have masses of different views in this family on all kinds of issues and never stop talking but all in a friendly way)

I would add to be clear in advance about financial things eg if you will be helping with student costs or not, when they can live at home until after university, even do what my father and I do - send a copy of all new wills to everyone so no surprises later.

Also treat them the same - I have helped them all with university and housing to exactly the same amount for example even if one might earn more or less than another.

Love this idea of a thread.
I find offering food helps to keep up good contact!

Treat them as the age they actually are, not as the 8 year old your brain still half thinks they are.

Do not keep harping back to things they did in their childhood that they would rather move on from.

Accept that their likes and preferences might change as they get older.

I thought I’d done a fabulous job with my DD, but she recently threw back in my face how all her problems have been caused by me and her DF. It seems that the sun shines out of her BF’s arse, and we know nothing.

I have one adult child who has moved out and another about to go to uni

Your list is good but also

1. Don't keep on bringing up the past. My mum is notorious for bringing up misdemeanors from decades ago
2. Don't compare siblings. My mum does this one too. I am happy to hear about my sibling's success but don't need it turned into a rant about my failures
3. They are going to make mistakes and sometimes you have to let them. It's ok to mention a gentle "Have you considered X?" but if they go for Y then you need to let it go. We probably learn more from mistakes than successes.

My parents always said ‘don’t give to one without giving to the other.’ They gave to us equally, even as adults. This was not the case in my exH’s family and it caused problems.

Don’t give advice, unless they ask and give it sparingly.

Tell them regularly that you love them.

Be very clear with them, how much you are prepared to do for them. This refers particularly to grandchildren care. I have some friends who do everything their son asks of them, regarding childcare, and then they moan. The phone rang when we were at their house. She answered and it was their son. He turned to us and said “he only ever rings, when he wants something”. Their relationship with their son was strained to say the least.

Remember they are adults and go from a parental role to one more of friendship.

I'd add that to have a healthy relationship with adult children, you have to lay the foundations properly in the transition years. I see a lot of parents of 14/15/16yo teenagers talking about "putting their foot down" and "I'm their mum, not their friend". IMO during these years, the child is gradually and incrementally taking on the mantle of adult autonomy, and the parents need to be adjusting at roughly the same rate. Ultimately the relationship will ideally be more like friendship, albeit with deep, unconditional love attached. It's much more likely that that relationship will be close and honest if the child hasn't had to fight their way free in the first place.

Another one
Respect their privacy. If they don't want to talk about something then wait until they are ready. It's not a slight on you if they consider moving house or tell you after they've got a new job rather than when they start interviewing.

Treat them exactly the same as much as you possibly can, particularly where money is involved. In my experience, nothing poisons family relationships as quickly or as badly as unfairness or favouritism with money.

Stop telling me of how I fucked up in Dec 1989 at 2pm on the stairs in my white trainers eating an ice lolly!

As stupid as it sounds written down just love me. With my mum when she shows that I feel I can fly and want to jump in her pocket😄

Treat the same.yeh we no you love him more your not subtle mate.

Mental health and illness and how we treat and are sensitive to people's emotions have changed deal with it.

Always always help.but don't judge or be upset if we suffer and don't see it as a refusal of YOURSELF if we differ

Interesting post. I have 2 DC, both early 30's. I think for one, the fact I was a single parent for the majority of their childhood (and am single now) made us naturally closer. I have a lot of shared interests with both DD and DS, although different with each. So we have lots to talk about. I always made sure I spent 1 on 1 time with each. As well as doing stuff all together. I think that helped and is something we still do now. I encouraged independence but with them knowing I was here if they needed me.

I always enforced respect for each other, no shouting/swearing etc. I hear my neighbours and their adult DC having screaming matches and telling each other to F off. It shocks me. It's not that we don't ever argue, though it's rare. But if we do, whoever is feeling angry will just go and calm down and then we talk. I cannot imagine ever telling one of my DC's to F off, or vice versa.

I also have no expectations. Not of what they do or who they date etc. I just want them to be happy and have always made that clear. So they never have to worry about what I might think of any choices they make. My view is it's their lives not mine.

Also, don't be over invested in your adult DC, make sure you have your own friends, interests and activities. Don't expect to spend every birthday, Christmas, special occasion, holiday etc together. So many families seem co-dependent - but not in a good way.

Of course it's nice to be 'close' but not over involved.

Discuss things like differences in political opinions if it's fun and enlightening for the participants but not otherwise. Don't get pissed and go on a massive rants about immigrants or why white men are actually the most disadvantaged group of all (speaking from experience here!)

When you say speaking from experience did you mean... you did this?! Or your own dad did this? I hope the latter!

Anyway, one thing I will say about my parents is they never pressured me to do things they should I should do. Don't get me wrong, they have many, many faults and did fuck me up in some ways, but one thing I am grateful for is that there was never any pressure or expectation on me to get top grades, go to a top uni, get a good career, have kids. I never felt like I had to factor their feelings into the choices I made. They were very 'do what you think will make you happy' and I knew it would make no difference to them whether I became a lawyer or a binman.

They did gently question some of my less sensible decisions but ultimately let me make my own mistakes and come out of the other side. I'm now in a pretty great position in life – own home, good career, confident and happy – and I feel like I've achieved all this with my own efforts.

I didn't have financial help or handouts either, they couldn't afford to even if they wanted to, but in my own observation, my peers with well-off parents who threw money at them but had high expectations can sometimes be less resilient, bad with money, overly reliant on their parents and lacking in self-esteem

Yes, good list!

My 23 year old son moved out last year. We have a 2 hour phone call every couple of weeks and go to gigs/lunch etc together. We meet once a week for a couple of drinks after I've been out to a hobby. We just share stories about our lives, people watch and have a laugh. I feel like I grew and produced exactly the sort of person I want to hang out with!

He doesn't have such a good relationship with his dad but his dad still behaves like a disapproving parent. I did a good job of bringing him up single handedly and now I want to reap the rewards of having him as a friend and not a child.

We have a great relationship. We are open with each other. The big thing for me is I've never stood in judgement of him. I accept him completely for who he is. I'm still there for guidance and support but I don't hover or micromanage or have expectations.

Things my mum does that I hate:

Don't repeat or trot our embarrassing past incidents at family occasions or in front of people.

Whenever something bad/difficult happens to me she takes it as an opportunity to talk about all the times she's had it worse.

Don't say "after all I've done for you".

Don't constantly remind them of the perceived sacrifices you made for them.

To put my relationship with my son into context, I had no relationship to speak of with my own dad and I've been NC with my mother for 10 years because she's an awful person who blighted my life.

I was determined it wasn't going to be like that with my own children.

My youngest is 16 and she and I also have a good relationship.

I couldn't agree more with these transitional years being where you lay the foundations.

Most of all, I value and respect children for the people they are. And I tell them I love them all the time. When my mother found out I voted differently to her, she told me I was "just being naughty" and treated me breastfeeding for 18 months as a defiant and rebellious teenager despite being 25 at the time...

She never saw me as an adult. Just a willful disobedient child - even as an adult.

When you say speaking from experience did you mean... you did this?! Or your own dad did this? I hope the latter!

My dad did this! 😂

Include girlfriends / boyfriends in invitations. I see ds both with and without his gf, but they both know she is always welcome.
Set the scene by how you treat them in their teens. I never laid down the law or had arbitrary rules, and I think that has made a difference, as his dad took much more of an “I’m the adult, you’re the child, so you’ll do what I say,” attitude and they don’t really have a relationship now at all (we’re not together).
Be supportive even when you don’t like their choices, but call them out on actual bad behaviour (so nights out the day before exams are not my business, but I spoke up when the way he was treating a friend was out of order).

Thank you so much for all these brilliant posts- currently reading through them.

(I am a woman, btw, probably didn't choose a great username!)

Oh gosh how awful

Never embarrass them with stories of their childhood, especially to other people.

Be interested in their lives but not nosy.

Do not rely on them for a social life but be pleased to see them when you do.

Accept that many attitudes are different now and adjust accordingly.

Make it clear you love the people they are now, rather than going on about their childhoods.

Lovely idea and shows self awareness-your kids sound lucky to have you. I definitely echo the other poster regarding respect. My adult daughter still lives at home and if we ever disagree, we can do so passionately but still respecting the other. My son lives an hour away and not so great about keeping in touch, so I make an effort to message him every few days and we’ll ring each other every couple of weeks.

Another thing I’ve found helpful is making sure I listen to them. I know age brings wisdom etc but they have ways of looking at things I can learn from. For instance, my son and his gf came on holiday with us-when we visited a place he suggested a drink. I declined saying I wasn’t thirsty. He said ‘Mum-sometimes you go for a drink not because you’re thirsty but because it’s fun!’ He is absolutely right, of course. And let them know how much you enjoy their company and seeing them-it doesn’t cost anything to say Lovely to see you but it means a lot to them.

Also watching with interest as I have a 16, 12 and an 8yo

I really don't want to mess up. But I'm finding the teen years hard