Maintaining a good relationship with adult children

[DonAlfonso]

My DC are now late teens and they are absolutely lovely. We have a great relationship and I feel incredibly lucky.

I read so many threads on MN about people who have gone NC or LC with parents or otherwise distanced themselves. I am in regular contact with my own parents but tend to keep them at arm's length emotionally because of hurtful things said and done in the past. I find the idea that my relationship with my children might go the same way in future really terrible, so I'm starting this thread to see if anyone has any good advice to avoid this, and to post some ideas of my own.

What do you think helps parents maintain a good relationship with adult children?

Rules I am going to try to follow-

1. Try to be accepting of them as they are rather than disappointed that they didn't do or become the things you imagined.
2. Discuss things like differences in political opinions if it's fun and enlightening for the participants but not otherwise. Don't get pissed and go on a massive rants about immigrants or why white men are actually the most disadvantaged group of all (speaking from experience here!)
3. Accept that best practice around things like pregnancy and childcare changes over time. Don't take it as implied criticism of how you did things.
4. Be welcoming to new partners and remember that it's your role to put them at ease not put them to the test.
5. Be positive. I can remember telling my mum that I'd had an article published on the website of a magazine and her replying "It's not the actual magazine though, is it?" So now I don't tell her that sort of thing. If you have a tendency towards negative word vomit, work on it.
6. Don't be clingy and overly emotionally dependent on them (I think this is a hard one).
7. Model the relationship you want with your adult children with your own parents (hard one if your own parents are difficult).

I'd love to know what other people would suggest.

This is interesting and got me thinking about why i have a good/close relationship with my mum but my dh spent have the same with his parents…. It’s down to similar interests and respect for space.

Some very wise posts.
I would emphasise what someone else has said about having your own life. I’ve seen amongst friends those who look to their adult children for everything , how quickly the ‘children’ will make themselves scarce . Adult children are not a life support system for their parents. Hobbies, friends and interests are vital.

Agree also with treating all children the same financially. It’s so important.

I would add, don’t let rudeness and selfishness develop. It spirals until it becomes the norm. If you let rude entitled behaviour escalate it will cause untold misery.

Don’t be too controlling or critical. They are the main reasons my friends don’t like seeing their parents. I don’t blame them.

Never try to live your life through them. My mum forever doing that with me... ""Why don't you want to go into teaching, I would have loved to teach" "Why don't you want to go to Morocco I'd have loved to have gone there" or " oh no I wouldn't do that if I were you".

Give children wings to fly
Roots to come back
A reason to stay

By the Dalai Lama

Letting children fly is in reality quite terrifying, so you close your eyes and hope for the best as they launch out of the nest into the wide world.
Let them know you are there when they need you unconditionally and without judgement, build in the expectation of failure and mistakes, we all have them especially when we are young. Keep a poker face even when the news is bloody dire.
Make home a warm, comforting place to return, one that makes them feel wanted and happy. Their go to place. Hot meals, hugs and a warm bed.

I have teens and so far it has been good, but it isn't easy to say goodbye to much loved children/young adults 😥Learn to smile and swallow the tears and be happy for them, living their best life.

Adult children are not a life support system for their parents. Hobbies, friends and interests are vital

I can't agree more with this post. It is not cool to get down with the kids when you are pushing 61.....

My parents always treated us equally, so I would say that as well as that give them your time, my parents always offer to help with diy etc. and it’s really nice not to have to ask for help. Also do days out, even if it’s something they want to do but you’re less keen than they are.

I was a single parent to my DC as they grew up, we called ourselves the three musketeers. We were all so close. 18m between them both in ages.

DC1 and I are still very close and keep in touch all the time. I've not seen or heard from DC2 in over 2yrs and I've no idea why. Since cutting me off, they've subsequently cut off their grandparents, sibling, friends...again, no reason. Although I have suspicions that only we left behind can express.

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement. The last time I saw them, we'd had a brilliant weekend together and they promised to phone me later that week. Then never replied to a call or text ever again. I don't even know where they live.

So I can't really help OP tbh. We were closer than close but I've still lost one of them.

I guess we have to realise that we are raising individuals, not carbon copies or facsimiles of what we expect our family to look like. Our adult DC make their own choices and, in another way of thinking, haven't we done a good job to give them that strength and self confidence? Doesn't matter that we bring them up with the same values, same environment and same expectations, they're still so different.

I so, so miss DC2.

Treat them as equals, as you would adult close friends. So if you wouldn't start lecturing your best friend about her pension plan, career path or partner, don't do it to your children.
Accept you have as much to learn from them as they have from you.
Never allow them to feel your 'need' for them, but always your love for them.
Your home is their home. Their's is not yours!
Find things to do together that you both enjoy and are mutually keen to do.
Never try to buy their company.
Never try to buy their compliance with your way of doing things. If you're going to give, make it as unconditional as you can.
Keep a high bar for how they are expected to treat you. If you act like a servant with nothing else to do but wait around to pander to their every whim, don't be surprised to be treated that way.

I am a parent of 2 twenty-somethings. My own mother is toxic (mental illness) and we have a poor relationship.
This is my view:
1 Once my 2 left home as students, I tried to make the transition from parent to trusted advisor if that makes sense.
2 Don’t try and live your life through them. They have to be free to make their own mistakes. Show an interest but don’t try and force them into a course of action.
3 Never criticise. Appearance, choice of partner, choice of job or home or anything else. Give advice if necessary. If something bad happens don’t say I told you so but listen and talk it through.
4 Don’t emotionally blackmail them into spending time with you. Including Xmas, birthdays etc. If they turn down the invite, do it another time. Invite partners.
5 Don’t make them feel responsible or burden them with your problems; relationships, health, money or anything else. Talk about things factually - not that you expect them to help.
6 Don’t be afraid to offer different financial help at different times. EG DD1 required more upfront money at Uni, DD2 required a bit of help as she doesn’t earn much at the moment.
7 Do stuff together that they are interested in. Museums, theatre, short trips, occasional holidays.

Treat them fairly. Financially and otherwise.
Do not favour your DD if you have one of each, even though you may have more in common all this 'mum and daughter' 'girly time' stuff can be somewhat excluding to sons.
Treat all potential GC the same. Do not favour any DD DC.

So agree with the last paragraph in particular. My parents just went on and about about how cute I was as a toddler .
with the clear inference that it was all downhill from there and they wished I’d stayed a cute little baby.

I love number 4!
17 years in and my mum still says, very reluctantly, and only very occasionally, "I do like DH you know, very much".
He's absolutely bloody fantastic and she should be telling me how over the moon she is that I married such a good man! My ex was from a wealthy family (and actually one of the reasons that I ended our relationship was that he was spoiled) and I don't think think my DH will ever compare on that basis.
Also, I struggle to be around mum because shes:

• not happy for me when things go well in my life - or at least can't express that she's happy. She's so emotionally closed she's practically made of concrete. If I get a new job I want "Fantastic, well done, good for you!" not, as I got last time, "Oh how will you get there? Won't the train cost quite a lot".
• HYPER judgemental - of my choices and of those of everyone around her. Example: I took her for an afternoon cocktail which she loved. But she commented on the couple and their children next to us "I TOTALLY disagree with that, bringing children into a pub". Everyone is feckless, or thick, or too fat, or too thin, or unkempt, or uncouth or making poor parenting choices, or being too loud and so on. Its an absolute drain to be around.

On this note... (and not casting any judgment or weirdness in your direction, @KangarooKenny, I don't know your situation and have no right to comment on it – it just reminded me of what I imagine my mother would say)

... recognise that your children have their own memories and interpretations of their childhoods, and the emotions and impact of those are real whether you agree with them / remember it the same way or not.

I would give ANYTHING for my mother to say: "Wow, I'm so sorry you've been left with that feeling. Tell me more about it – help me understand."

I have no doubt some of my feelings are leftovers of what was filtered through the lenses and interpretation of a child, but that doesn't make the impact of them on me as an adult any less real.

If my mother could stop seeing me acknowledging my experience as an attack on her and just be with me in my pain, we might actually have a relationship now.

I did this when I was in my 20s. I was so horrible to my mum. She kept the lines of communication open and when I realised he was controlling and manipulative made it really easy for me to apologise and come home. She was cool and calm and would frequently tell me she loved me and I was always welcome and she was sorry I felt like that but didn't agree with me. It makes me cry to think about it.

Great post.
My main reasons for low contact are trying to control us as adults. Moods if not her way. Selfish about xmas holidays etc. Try and let your kids live their own lives. I dont tell her much now.

Don’t share their private information with others unless they allow it. Your sister or friend does not need to know about their medical issues or details of their divorce etc. If you personally need support because of what is happening to your adult child (a drug addiction for example) get their permission to tell others or use anonymous groups such as online ones.

Don't always wait for them to contact you and then get upset if they don't.

My mum always made an effort, came to visit me etc, and we were best friends. my dad not so much though i love him dearly; he clearly wishes I contacted him more but he almost never contacts me. I have 2 kids and (sometimes) a job so a few other things to think about, and he is retired.

Plantme hang in there ... the teen years can be awful, my DS is now 21 and we went through some challenging times but he is now a charming young man, he's away at Uni but calls hime at least twice a week just for a 'chat' (over an hour last night which I thought was good for a Friday night!) and we all enjoy each other's company again.

so many things resonate here! I am LC with my DM, a few things on my “wish list”

-I wish she would sometimes call me or show interest in my life. If I don’t call she gets offended but wouldn’t call me first. When she visits, she only talks about herself, town gossip, her work etc never asks about us, the children, didn’t even ask any questions about my birth or how things are going with baby.

-respect their rules with DGC: if they ask for no more plastic toys/pink clothes/biscuits/ don’t just ignore and send huge boxes. Ask what DGC like and could need. Don’t favour one DGC and forget the other.

-say nice things about looks or NOTHING. No need to say things like “your haircut is much better than the bad one you had for 10 years” or “you looked so shit after giving birth” and laugh

-don’t make everything about you and your feelings

-don’t give presents that put them in situations they don’t want to be in (eg we got a voucher for a holiday together but we don’t want to holiday together)

-stop bringing up embarrassing stories in front of others “remember when you were 16 and you did this…” it’s not funny or relevant anymore

Very interesting thread.

Don't treat your children as your therapist. If you have mental health problems of course it's good to talk - best if you do that with a professional rather than on the phone with your daughter every single phone call for decades.

Don't moan about every new thing you buy or do until you get used to it and then deny you ever had a problem with it.

When visiting your adult child's home, don't point out things that need doing "that dripping tap needs looking at" - would you say something like that to a friend or colleague?

Don't randomly start doing housework in your adult child's house.

Don't be an alcoholic.

@A580Hojas yes on treating your dc as your therapist!
also don’t use your MH problems as an excuse for bad behaviour/rudeness/anything else.

Communication

did you ever explain to your mother that when you’d achieved something important to you you felt her comment was a put down?

have you taught your children how to go about this with you?

listening, listening, listening

without giving advice, by asking them how they are going to tackle things and not telling them what to do

There is very little help for parents with adult children. All the books seem to be about the younger years. Yet it’s just as important. Some great advice on here.

@A580Hojas Don't treat your children as your therapist - God, I would have that tattooed on my mother's eyelids if I thought it would make any difference. She started using me as her personal sounding board when I was 9...I was unlucky enough to be the only girl, and as she was sexist as well as a raging narcissist my two brothers didn't get burdened the same way.

Didn't realise how much anxiety it piled on me...I was diagnosed with severe depression at age 17, was suicidal at 23 and then diagnosed as bipolar. As she was the trigger for every mental health crisis I had, I made the decision at 25 that I would live as far away from her as humanly possible...nearly 30 years later it's the best decision I've ever made.