She said: 'You finally understand what it's like!'

[Sunnygirl1]

Hello, my friend who is originally from Ukraine and has lived in the UK for 15 years asked me to ask some lovely objective impartial people on here about this situation.

Her friend has applied for a refugee help UK - Ukraine Scheme and is waiting for her UK Visa in Poland since the beginning of April.

Some Ukrainians have already arrived in the UK and had a lovely welcome from their hosts and are very grateful to Boris Johnson & the UK government for this chance to escape this awful war and to save their and their children's health & lives. My friend A asked her friend M how they liked it here in the UK.

М: It's lovely for them here in the UK but, of course, they miss Ukraine and their usual peaceful predictable home life there.

A: Of course. It wasn't a planned holiday for them. They miss their daily home life and peace in Ukraine. It wasn't a planned holiday for them to enjoy, to feel relaxed and calm. They are very stressed about their houses/flats not being bombed, burnt, or destroyed by rockets, shelling, or fire.

M: Now you finally understand it!

А: Do you think I didn't understand it? Are you serious or are you joking?

My friend A felt like it was a passive-aggressive sarcastic answer & totally unfair towards her.

1. My friend A encouraged her friend M to leave the dangerous war in Ukraine with her 2 children (her husband wasn't allowed to leave as well as all men between 18 - 60 in case they are needed for a full national mobilization).

2. My friend A and her British husband were helping her friend M & her 2 children to apply for visas online while she was going on a very dangerous journey by train (during a risk of shooting, shelling, and God forbid rockets killing people etc) from Ukraine to Poland.

3. She offered some financial help and was planning (and will help) to help her morally & financially how/with everything she could while she is waiting for this horrible war to end (hopefully this year) so she can live in peace in the UK where her children can start school within 1 month or so after they finally receive their refugee visas & get here.

How do you see this situation? Was it just a very inconsiderate thing to say during a very stressful time or is there more to it than just being unkind?

My friend A let her friend's M words go but told me what her friend M told her was totally unacceptable, rude & wrong.

What is your opinion on this and how would you feel if you were told that by your friend in a similar situation? Thank you.

A is not offended. She is really surprised to hear it. M's words sound like blame when A did nothing wrong but has helped her and is helping her. These insensitive words from M have put A in a position to question their possible close future friendship. She will still help as a person with good morals but she won't feel the same about it.

A is seriously overreacting. She’s calling a refugee ‘insensitive’ and is so bothered by one remark that it’s making her ‘question their possible close future friendship’.

Of course A might be under their own stress from the situation but if they seriously think they’re being empathetic they might not be very self-aware at all.

M: Now you finally understand it!

If M had said ‘You understand it!’ then I assume A would not be in a hump? Like Elsa, A should let it go… offering grace to people is never a poor idea.

M will be traumatised for the rest of her life.
Her entire life and future are in tatters.
A needs to drink a nice warm cup of shut the f up and get over herself and her sensitive little feelings that have been hurt.

Is M’s first language not English? This could easily be down to something lost or assumed in translation.

What people in Ukraine have been through won't even have begun to process.its unthinkable or imaginable.processing and living through it is going to let out of emotion under the sun I imagine.they will be on fight flight reactions for a long time and this ain't pretty.ptsd is as traumatic as it comes to your insides being revealed or feeling like it is, whilst also trying to hide,run,stay,escape,fight,give in,scream,never talk again.its going to be alot yo witness alot to go through.

Fuck me. A needs to stop being so melodramatic.
You cannot compare alcoholism with escaping warfare. That's ridiculous. There'll be shit Ms seen that A hasn't in her worst nightmares.
I feel sorry for M having to deal with such an insensitive moaning knob for a friend.

I understand it could be disorientation and misjudgment that comes from PTSD. Maybe after she has counseling she will feel less need to blame.

Wow!!!!! A’s sanctimony will unfortunately be another trauma M will have to recover from.

A, is clearly not emotionally equipped to support M because her naval gazing over this perceived slight shows a lack of emotional maturity.

They're Ukrainian tho

Both A and M have endured severe trauma. Both of them are going to be a bit raw. It's not a competition over who had it worse!

My DF wasn't alcoholic but his violent abuse manifested in v similar ways, it seems he may have been undiagnosed with bipolar but he would at his worse use not only threats to kill us but also weapons. It left me with complex ptsd. He also was very emotionally abusive.

I don't know what it's like to flee a war. I can't claim to know what it's like to be a refugee. I can't imagine. But equally, it is likely M doesn't know what it's like to be an abuse survivor .

It is right that mental health is being de-stigmatised a bit more but I think we need to be careful not to imagine all trauma survivors are special saints enobled by their suffering. We sometimes do behave in v unpleasant and Self centres ways. I can identify with A,.am afraid I used to be a bit like that, until I got some decent help and learned a bit of self awareness.

Trauma is all valid but it won't always look the same or be about the same issues. It's not a case of it being worse or better but abuse trauma from a family member from a young age may mean that you don't learn appropriate interpersonal skills. May. Not saying always. But it's v common.