She said: 'You finally understand what it's like!'

[Sunnygirl1]

Hello, my friend who is originally from Ukraine and has lived in the UK for 15 years asked me to ask some lovely objective impartial people on here about this situation.

Her friend has applied for a refugee help UK - Ukraine Scheme and is waiting for her UK Visa in Poland since the beginning of April.

Some Ukrainians have already arrived in the UK and had a lovely welcome from their hosts and are very grateful to Boris Johnson & the UK government for this chance to escape this awful war and to save their and their children's health & lives. My friend A asked her friend M how they liked it here in the UK.

М: It's lovely for them here in the UK but, of course, they miss Ukraine and their usual peaceful predictable home life there.

A: Of course. It wasn't a planned holiday for them. They miss their daily home life and peace in Ukraine. It wasn't a planned holiday for them to enjoy, to feel relaxed and calm. They are very stressed about their houses/flats not being bombed, burnt, or destroyed by rockets, shelling, or fire.

M: Now you finally understand it!

А: Do you think I didn't understand it? Are you serious or are you joking?

My friend A felt like it was a passive-aggressive sarcastic answer & totally unfair towards her.

1. My friend A encouraged her friend M to leave the dangerous war in Ukraine with her 2 children (her husband wasn't allowed to leave as well as all men between 18 - 60 in case they are needed for a full national mobilization).

2. My friend A and her British husband were helping her friend M & her 2 children to apply for visas online while she was going on a very dangerous journey by train (during a risk of shooting, shelling, and God forbid rockets killing people etc) from Ukraine to Poland.

3. She offered some financial help and was planning (and will help) to help her morally & financially how/with everything she could while she is waiting for this horrible war to end (hopefully this year) so she can live in peace in the UK where her children can start school within 1 month or so after they finally receive their refugee visas & get here.

How do you see this situation? Was it just a very inconsiderate thing to say during a very stressful time or is there more to it than just being unkind?

My friend A let her friend's M words go but told me what her friend M told her was totally unacceptable, rude & wrong.

What is your opinion on this and how would you feel if you were told that by your friend in a similar situation? Thank you.

It feels like M blames A for not being able to understand her and the traumatic situation she is in.

I understand it could be disorientation and misjudgment that comes from PTSD. Maybe after she has counseling she will feel less need to blame.

These insensitive words from M have put A in a position to question their possible close future friendship. She will still help as a person with good morals but she won't feel the same about it.

A is possibly one of the most self-absorbed people I've ever read about. Her level of self-importance is something to behold. It's quite clear that in A's world, she is the victim here, all because she hasn't received the adoration and endless gratitude she wanted from M. One little comment and she's in tailspin of victimhood.

I'm beginning to wonder if you're A, btw.

Any person with empathy can understand any traumatic life event and doesn't need to necessarily go through them themselves.

No they can’t. They can empathise. That doesn’t mean they understand it. And suggesting that they can to someone who has benne through it is really arrogant and inward focused.

My mother died last year. Before that I could empathise with people whose mother had died. I had, had other relatives who had died. So I thought I understood. I absolutely did not. How I imagined it would be, is different to how it actually is.

and that’s something lots of people tell me about losing their parent.

You ‘friend’ is clearly focused on herself and is upset because her assertion that she knows what it’s like is wrong, to people who have been through it.

A sounds incredibly self focussed.

You keep banging on A's "good morals." Bizarre.

M: Now you finally understand it!

Was this spoken or written? If it was a text or Whatsapp exchange could it be that the emphasis is on "you" as in "You understand but lots of others don't."

Your friend A sounds like a touchy, uber-sensitive pain in the arse.

My friend A said that she would never ever say anything like it to any of her friends in any stressful situation.

She has no idea what she'd do in a situation where she's just been BOMBED out of her country and had to leave her husband behind.

It's a passive-aggressive answer subconsciously blaming my friend A for what has happened as well and not being fair to her, not showing the gratitude she deserves for everything she was and is trying to help her with.

Bollox. I think M would probably be better off relying others for help and support if A can't set aside her need for validation for five seconds in the face of a (probably) severely traumatised, shell-shocked friend.

I'm beginning to wonder if you're A, btw.

BEGINNING to wonder? 😉

Where exactly did M blame A?

the condescension in your posts is staggering.

Neither you or A (though I am guessing you are the same person)seem capable of helping someone who has been through what she has been through.

I think many many people have said the same thing.

A is over thinking this. A is also being self centred and having an abusive parent is not the same as escaping a war. Not all traumas are the same. A needs to self reflect. And not make this about how wonderful she is in offering M sanctuary.

In other words almost everyone has said the same thing: M was probably snippy but absolutely justified. The more we hear about A the less likeable she sounds and the more of a passive aggressive do gooder who wants M to acknowledge how marvellous she has been.

Are you A?

You're friend A aren't you? It really wasn't a comment worthy of all this bloody angst and nonsense.

A has completely overreacted, she has been safe for the past 15 years whilst M has been in Ukraine where Putin has cast a shadow for years and then undergone this hazardous journey.

How can A hope to understand what M has gone through? Reading about it or hearing it about it from friends and family is very different to going through it. There is no way OP A can hope to understand what M went through.

A is being spectacularly self-involved and has absolutely no idea what M's been through and you - if you're not A, which I suspect you are - are encouraging her.

Unless there is some backstory I can't see the need for "Finally you understand." Has A given any impression she didn't understand before.

You’re correct - someone doesn’t have to go through the exact same experience to have empathy, however how can anyone truly understand unless they have actually gone through it? We just cannot imagine.
going on a very dangerous journey by train (during a risk of shooting, shelling, and god forbid rockets killing people etc)
Nothing is the same as that. How can your friend know this is what M has been through and yet is still making it about her? It wasn’t passive aggressive, M is clearly frustrated.
If I was A, I would assume that I had said something previously that made it obvious I didn’t understand and I would feel embarrassed.

I think some people just want to have something to get upset/create a drama about. I can't see anything that M has done wrong. She's just saying your friend finally understands.

To be honest, I find it a weird question to ask 'how do they like it here in the UK' when people have been through absolute hell. If your friend is so sensitive about people using certain words, I would have expected her to rather ask 'how are they coping with the upheaval?' It does sound like she was treating it like they were on holiday.

All else aside, I'm puzzled by this mention of language barriers, as surely A and M speak Ukranian between themselves, as mother tongue, so A understands perfectly what her friend stuck in Poland is saying to her?

Oh, and yes, A is totally over-reacting.

Friend A really needs to get over herself. I’m sure she actually doesn’t understand it, really, like none of us could unless it happened to us.

I disagree with this. Any person with empathy can understand any traumatic life event and doesn't need to necessarily go through them themselves.
Well we will have to agree to disagree. It's massively presumptuous to say you understand any traumatic life event. As a pp said you can empathise but people rarely understand unless they've experienced something very similar.

This, exactly. I mean, Anne Frank sometimes bitched in her diary about how the people helping to hide her and her family didn’t understand what it was like living in hiding, because, for all the risks they were running, they still got to go outdoors and participate to an extent in ‘normal’ (albeit wartime in occupied Amsterdam) lives.

it’s completely understandable, surely. It’s trauma speaking.

Does 'A' always make everything about her? She has over reacted big time and needs to let it go

Person A is being ridiculous. Given the scale of detail of the post I suspect like others that the poster is actually friend A. I really can’t see anything in that comment that would warrant her worrying about it.

Can I ask, if you are a neutral bystander in all this, how come everyone is saying the same and yet you are still only seeing A’s side? If you are A you just need to stop feeling so offended and actually read what people are saying.
swallow your pride and do some self reflection. Yes A has done a really wonderful thing but being pissed off that M is not ‘grateful’ enough is so self indulgent. So because M and her kids are safe now, all the trauma has gone? She needs to spend her time worrying about how to express her gratitude better, rather than processing the horrors she has seen and heard, rather than worrying about her husband whose life is in danger every day? Seriously.

So because M and her kids are safe now, all the trauma has gone? She needs to spend her time worrying about how to express her gratitude better, rather than processing the horrors she has seen and heard, rather than worrying about her husband whose life is in danger every day? Seriously.

Exactly this. Unbelievable.

Friend A is doing a rather admirable thing helping her friend. She is getting rudeness instead of gratitude. If it can be overlook and justified by potential PTSD friend M is experiencing is debatable.