She said: 'You finally understand what it's like!'

[Sunnygirl1]

Hello, my friend who is originally from Ukraine and has lived in the UK for 15 years asked me to ask some lovely objective impartial people on here about this situation.

Her friend has applied for a refugee help UK - Ukraine Scheme and is waiting for her UK Visa in Poland since the beginning of April.

Some Ukrainians have already arrived in the UK and had a lovely welcome from their hosts and are very grateful to Boris Johnson & the UK government for this chance to escape this awful war and to save their and their children's health & lives. My friend A asked her friend M how they liked it here in the UK.

М: It's lovely for them here in the UK but, of course, they miss Ukraine and their usual peaceful predictable home life there.

A: Of course. It wasn't a planned holiday for them. They miss their daily home life and peace in Ukraine. It wasn't a planned holiday for them to enjoy, to feel relaxed and calm. They are very stressed about their houses/flats not being bombed, burnt, or destroyed by rockets, shelling, or fire.

M: Now you finally understand it!

А: Do you think I didn't understand it? Are you serious or are you joking?

My friend A felt like it was a passive-aggressive sarcastic answer & totally unfair towards her.

1. My friend A encouraged her friend M to leave the dangerous war in Ukraine with her 2 children (her husband wasn't allowed to leave as well as all men between 18 - 60 in case they are needed for a full national mobilization).

2. My friend A and her British husband were helping her friend M & her 2 children to apply for visas online while she was going on a very dangerous journey by train (during a risk of shooting, shelling, and God forbid rockets killing people etc) from Ukraine to Poland.

3. She offered some financial help and was planning (and will help) to help her morally & financially how/with everything she could while she is waiting for this horrible war to end (hopefully this year) so she can live in peace in the UK where her children can start school within 1 month or so after they finally receive their refugee visas & get here.

How do you see this situation? Was it just a very inconsiderate thing to say during a very stressful time or is there more to it than just being unkind?

My friend A let her friend's M words go but told me what her friend M told her was totally unacceptable, rude & wrong.

What is your opinion on this and how would you feel if you were told that by your friend in a similar situation? Thank you.

In this situation i I'd agree with M that I had been very lucky not to have to go through this. Why would I be offended unless I was entering a competition whose life has been the hardest?

A is taking a comment very personally that likely was said when M was frustrated and wore down can't say I'd even remember this conversation days later.

A is tone deaf and self-absorbed. A is also very blatantly the OP.

WTF?

Friend A sounds like hard work and far, far too sensitive. Nobody is perfect, not even Ukrainian refugees. Friend M probably hates having to rely on friend A’s support and is weary of being her charity project. I’m not sure Friend A has the empathy to realise this though.

Doesn’t sound like A did anything to warrant the “now you understand” comment. She was agreeing with B about it not being a holiday, so can understand why she was a bit put out by it.

Who is B?

I’m so sorry, I meant M, not B.

Why do people think A is tone deaf from what she said? Feel like I’m reading a different post.

&I disagree with this. Any person with empathy can understand any traumatic life event and doesn't need to necessarily go through them themselves

No OP, you are wrong. You may be able to intellectually understand it is traumatic but you really, really cannot get it unless you have been through it yourself.

And yes, OP you do sound like you are A. As others have said, A is wrong. It is really quite astonishing that you/ A have so little empathy for the utter trauma M has been through that you are obsessing over the (perceived by you) unfair offence by this minor comment which was probably not even meant badly. Its utterly self-obsessed.

In fact, the very fact you are seeing the comment that like just goes to show just how deeply you, as someone who has not been through what M has, just does not get it!

Because she asked a woman who had taken her children and run for her life, leaving her husband behind, how she was liking the UK. As if she was a visiting tourist, oblivious to the fact she was asking a traumatised refugee if she was liking being a refugee. Then she got all offended and is considering ending the friendship because the refugee didn't respond along the lines of 'Oh it's so wonderful, totally loving it here, so grateful you're such a wonderful person for showing us such generousity.'

Yes @BringBackCoffeeCreams Quite the summary there.

I wonder if @Sunnygirl1 has fed back to A the conclusion of some lovely objective impartial people on here ?

Because she asked a woman who had taken her children and run for her life, leaving her husband behind, how she was liking the UK. As if she was a visiting tourist, oblivious to the fact she was asking a traumatised refugee if she was liking being a refugee. Then she got all offended and is considering ending the friendship because the refugee didn't respond along the lines of 'Oh it's so wonderful, totally loving it here, so grateful you're such a wonderful person for showing us such generousity

She asked how she was finding it, should she have not asked? She then agreed that it’s nothing like a planned holiday and got “finally you understand” as if she hadn’t, which I’m sure most people who clearly did understand would find a bit upsetting. The response you say she expected is pure speculation on your part, there is nothing in the OP to indicate that.

She didn't ask how she was finding it. She asked how she liked it. That's what's tone deaf and if you can't see it you should probably think about getting your ears syringed too.

The response I say she expected is not pure speculation it's based on what the OP wrote about A's assertion that M was 'not showing the gratitude she deserves for everything she was and is trying to help her with.'

That A thinks M should be “showing her the gratitude she deserves” when the poor woman has escaped a war zone with her children, has left everything she had behind, is forcibly separated from her husband (who is in danger every day) and sees daily images of her home being destroyed… that’s why she’s tone deaf, @Staffy1 .

”How do you like the country?” is a question for a visiting tourist, not a refugee.

To me, "Now you finally understand" would imply that A has perhaps said some insensitive things prior to now, so that B has felt she had no true understanding of her situation.

However, I'm sure it wasn't meant hurtfully or aggressively and A should try not to take it to heart.

@BringBackCoffeeCreams , no need to be rude, and if you have to be at least get it right. If I can’t “see” something, getting my ears syringed won’t help. I don’t think there is such a difference between “like” and “find” in the sentence, but whatever. Perhaps it’s best not to ever try and be nice for fear of offending someone.

I think A and you are way overreacting. If you help someone it has to be done from the heart and not expect overshowing gratitude every minute.

M is going through horrible life changing circumstances, she doesn't know if she will ever see her husband again, love of her life, will she be a single mother? She must be feeling terrible for now and pretty uncertain about her future.

You and your friend need to let it go. It's first world country problems!

@Staffy1 are you @Sunnygirl1 ?

The OP seems to have a couple of friends who need advice.

I don't understand - you write as if M is in Poland waiting for a visa. So why was A asking how they liked it, or was A asking how other Ukrainians who M knows like it? It's all a bit garbled.

And this:
Of course. It wasn't a planned holiday for them. They miss their daily home life and peace in Ukraine. It wasn't a planned holiday for them to enjoy, to feel relaxed and calm. They are very stressed about their houses/flats not being bombed, burnt, or destroyed by rockets, shelling, or fire

is beyond weird. Why would you say something like that?
Sounds like the way my aunty talks about the war - constantly saying "The Russians' little excursion into the Ukraine is still ongoing".

Of course, no one disputes it is an extremely stressful unexpected situation (like many stressful and extreme life events can be).

I’m not sure I can think of any extreme life event that is as stressful as your home country being invaded, having to flee thousands of miles with your with your children, knowing your friends and family left behind might be tortured and/or killed, that the life you’ve built has completely gone and you can’t start to build another because you don’t know if you will be able to go back.
With this comment, you’ve shown that you certainly don’t get it.

Perhaps the “friend” made a similarly crass observation previously which is why the response was “you get it now”

Or, perhaps the friend who doesn’t have English as a first language didn’t say things exactly right.

@Gudbrand

Sounds like the way my aunty talks about the war - constantly saying "The Russians' little excursion into Ukraine is still ongoing".

Why is your aunt so insensitive do you think?

How do you think she would personally feel if her country was invaded by the Russian's little excursion and she experienced bombs and rockets destroying her house, setting fire to it, killing and raping half or all of her family, village/town/city/country? God forbid adults and children she knew or met loosing limps and have life-changing war injuries?

People who say things like that truly shock me.

People who say things like that truly shock me.

Like people who compare escaping for a war zone to other “life events”?

People who say things like that truly shock me. coming fro mthe person who claims they know exactly how it feels to flee your home land due to war because they have an imagination.

Re going on to her friend in Poland about how fleeing isn't a holiday to be enjoyed, why do you think your friend make that comment? How do you think you'd feel having someone who hasn't gone through it telling you, as you're going through it, that it isn't a holiday you know, it's very serious actually

Why is your aunt so insensitive do you think?

I have no idea why she is so insensitive. But as I said, the stuff A said about it not being a holiday and so on reminded me immediately of how my aunty talks about the war (and other serious world issues)

A (OP) needs to get her head out of her arse tbh