She said: 'You finally understand what it's like!'

[Sunnygirl1]

Hello, my friend who is originally from Ukraine and has lived in the UK for 15 years asked me to ask some lovely objective impartial people on here about this situation.

Her friend has applied for a refugee help UK - Ukraine Scheme and is waiting for her UK Visa in Poland since the beginning of April.

Some Ukrainians have already arrived in the UK and had a lovely welcome from their hosts and are very grateful to Boris Johnson & the UK government for this chance to escape this awful war and to save their and their children's health & lives. My friend A asked her friend M how they liked it here in the UK.

М: It's lovely for them here in the UK but, of course, they miss Ukraine and their usual peaceful predictable home life there.

A: Of course. It wasn't a planned holiday for them. They miss their daily home life and peace in Ukraine. It wasn't a planned holiday for them to enjoy, to feel relaxed and calm. They are very stressed about their houses/flats not being bombed, burnt, or destroyed by rockets, shelling, or fire.

M: Now you finally understand it!

А: Do you think I didn't understand it? Are you serious or are you joking?

My friend A felt like it was a passive-aggressive sarcastic answer & totally unfair towards her.

1. My friend A encouraged her friend M to leave the dangerous war in Ukraine with her 2 children (her husband wasn't allowed to leave as well as all men between 18 - 60 in case they are needed for a full national mobilization).

2. My friend A and her British husband were helping her friend M & her 2 children to apply for visas online while she was going on a very dangerous journey by train (during a risk of shooting, shelling, and God forbid rockets killing people etc) from Ukraine to Poland.

3. She offered some financial help and was planning (and will help) to help her morally & financially how/with everything she could while she is waiting for this horrible war to end (hopefully this year) so she can live in peace in the UK where her children can start school within 1 month or so after they finally receive their refugee visas & get here.

How do you see this situation? Was it just a very inconsiderate thing to say during a very stressful time or is there more to it than just being unkind?

My friend A let her friend's M words go but told me what her friend M told her was totally unacceptable, rude & wrong.

What is your opinion on this and how would you feel if you were told that by your friend in a similar situation? Thank you.

Exactly this.

Meant to say ‘yep’ to this!

For her to say 'Now you finally understand it!' there has to be some back story that isn't included here. Why did she think she didn't understand it before? It sounds like A previously thought people were lucky to get the chance to come and live in the Uk like she does and didn't really appreciate that it's just not the same when it's forced upon you and everything you know and love is being destroyed.

It kind of sounds like A wanted M to be grateful of all the support that she gave her and to basically say how wonderful it was that she helped.

If A was a person of good morals she would be doing it just for that.

Good God talk about a storm in a teacup..... A sounds like a knobhead who whilst I'm sure has been helpful may have gone into this for the wrong reasons

What would your answer (even to yourself), feelings, words, and inner reaction be if you were in friend A's place?
If I was friend A? - That friend M was being very generous in attributing understanding to me, despite me not having been through her trauma & ongoing fears for her loved ones & country.

My friend A let her friend's M words go
Cor, that's big of her ...

but told me what her friend M told her was totally unacceptable, rude & wrong.
Friend A wants applause for the help she has given friend M.
To sound off to you & with such inappropriately strong feelings about her own perceived offence, & major that above what friend is enduring, is so insensitive it would be laughable if the Ukraine situation was not so tragic & terrifying.

Is friend A usually this petty?

M's first language isn't English. She might not have been sarcastic at all. Its a different culture. Plus she's traumatised. A shouldn't take it so personally and try to find hidden meaning. Or can ask her directly, without accusing her.

I think you're over reacting. M's comment doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate all you've done for her. It just means it was only when you spoke about the things they'd faced she realised you actually understand. Prior to that, asking if they were enjoying the UK may have come across to her as though you thought it was a holiday for them. Don't be the sort of friend who helps someone then expects them to bow down in gratitude and fawn over you for it.

This is exactly how it sounds 🤣🙈

M did nothing wrong, nothing passive aggressive and to be honest A sounds like she really needs to get over herself. And you are constantly defending A and unable to see Ms side despite so many people pointing out theres no issue here...

1. I think you're 'Friend A' also.
2. M was not being being rude or 'passive aggressive.'
3. M is traumatised and suffering from PTSD. She has had no time to work though any of it. Unless someone has experienced, first hand, that level of threat-to-life PTSD, don't judge.
4. Friend A might have helped her friend, but there's a distinct whiff of burning martyr about her attitude.

Just my take on it.

A is not offended. She is really surprised to hear it. M's words sound like blame when A did nothing wrong but has helped her and is helping her. These insensitive words from M have put A in a position to question their possible close future friendship. She will still help as a person with good morals but she won't feel the same about it.

Come off it. A claims not to be offended as that makes her feel she holds the moral high ground - but is winding herself up to a point where she wants to justify ending the friendship?

Over one remark, which was an innocuous statement, not something that should be seen as "totally unacceptable, rude & wrong". It's a shockingly self-absorbed attitude from friend A.

Asking someone who has just escaped a war how they like living in the new place is an idiotic question!

A is tone deaf. Fancy asking someone who's just fled a war zone how they liked it in the UK, as if they were there by choice, on a jolly. Then being offended because the reply wasn't grateful enough.

“not showing the gratitude she deserves for everything she was and is trying to help her with.”

A wants gratitude…. Wow.

that’s the bit that makes it worse. Like she’s only done this act of humanitarian kindness so we can all bow down at how wonderful and majestic she is and M should constantly shower her in gratitude as she so rightly deserves?

M has gone through something none of us in the UK can ever truly understand. Being in the U.K. helps and is safer but doesn’t solve all her problems or worries. It doesn’t negate the trauma and uncertainty she’s lived through.

A needs to get off the pedestol for a bit and be kinder to herself and M right now on each others need and expectations.

What a very odd thread. Your “friend” has reacted quite bizarrely to an innocuous comment. M has been through a hellish experience, her words don’t strike me as passive-aggressive or placing blame on anyone. Please tell A that her own childhood trauma doesn’t mean she can fully understand all that M has gone through. And for the love of all that’s holy, tell her (or remind yourself) that she shouldn’t make this situation all about her. She should support her friend emotionally and avoid placing herself at the centre of some invented drama.

Does M have ASD?

I understand it could be disorientation and misjudgment that comes from PTSD. Maybe after she has counseling she will feel less need to blame.

How can the statement "now you understand" be construed as blame-laying?

Sorry, I mean A.

Poor M. You have to be careful who you accept help from, even if your life is threatened, it seems.

A is being absolutely ridiculous and totally unreasonable.

A has gone through a traumatic experience in her childhood herself. It wasn't war. Her mum stayed in abusive & dangerous relations with an alcoholic man for 7 years so she knows what it's like sorry what?? You had a difficult childhood so you know what it's like to flee the country in the middle of a war?? Sorry, I mean your friend... The two things are incomparable.

Any person with empathy can understand any traumatic life event and doesn't need to necessarily go through them themselves. no, you can understand that it IS traumatic, you can empathise about it being traumatic but you can't actually understand what it is like.

OP, this woman's life has been blown apart, her husband might die, she and her kids stared death in the face, life as they know it is destroyed, they're in a weird country, and all A can do is fixate on a minor, possibly or possibly not passive aggressive comment that was made. She needs to get a hold of herself and stop this.

It also sounds a bit to me like A thinks she's been terribly virtuous and wants lots of thanks from M, and for M to always tell her how great she's been. Poor M, if she was my friend I would think her comment was a fair one, and also that it wasn't all about me, and to worry that M might have a complete breakdown at some point on account of her life and country being destroyed -in which context, the last thing I could ever want to care about is some comment here or there.

Could you have a chat with A and explain that it is coming across quite weirdly self absorbed and unpleasant of her? Its really nice of her to help M in the early stages, but this kind of fixation on one small comment being unacceptable is really strange and off, and smacks of M needing to 'stay in her box' as the ever grateful refugee who A's wonderful patronage has ably rescued.

If I was A and M had said that to me, I literally wouldn't have even thought anything of it. It wouldn't have registered to me as a problem at all.

I think A sounds very melodramatic and unkind. Why help someone if you're going to act like they owe you for your help? It undoes the good deed entirely. Why should M tiptoe around A and overthink everything she says in case A gets irrationally annoyed? Of COURSE M can't totally understand A's situation, not being a refugee herself? Why on earth is she offended? This is very bizarre.

"now you understand" is not blaming anyone. Its saying finally, you've clocked what I was saying when I said it was hard. Stop comparing it to when you moved away or otherwise belittling it. That's NOT blaming someone for what - a war??

@Sunnygirl1 Of course, no one disputes it is an extremely stressful unexpected situation (like many stressful and extreme life events can be).

Nah I don't think too many stressful life events are as extreme as being forced to leave your home and husband and family in a war zone, risking your life, travelling across many countries with your children, terrified while that home and everything you own is being bombed. And then someone commenting "I know its not a holiday ...." ffs

Showing empathy and knowing how it feels are two separate things. No one can know what it is like unless they have experienced it and even then people experience the same event in different ways.

Why are you creating a drama out of this woman's crisis?