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Original poster

Am I too controlling?

78 replies

Tinkerbell2022 · 08/05/2022 18:05

Hi, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy in 2020. I have suffered with depression amongst other things. I have always been embarrassed over my extremely small breasts and now one is deformed. My husband and I watch TV separately (we don't like the same things) and I found out that he had been watching a series that was described by others as 'full of sex' I asked him please not to watch things that were full of sex, as I felt very insecure about me and how I look and didn't want him to see women with lovely breasts etc (unavoidable in most programmes I know) but I said, things 'full' of sex, were avoidable. Must stress, it wasn't Porn. He said he wasn't a kid and that I'm not his mother trying to censor what he watches. I feel hurt that he wasn't even willing to make a compromise and says I'm in the wrong for trying to control him. Am I?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2022 18:07

Yes, you're wrong. Completely. I'm sorry for what you've been through, but that doesn't mean you have the right to dictate what your husband can watch on television. If you don't want to discuss it or hear about it, fine, but you can't tell him what to watch.

Ejk1990 · 08/05/2022 18:14

Can you imagine if all the partners and husbands told the women not to watch bridgerton, they'd be uproar on here! 🤣

Im sorry your feeling insecure though, so sending hugs for that.

Offandonagain · 08/05/2022 18:15

Yes you are wrong.

Bibbetybobbity · 08/05/2022 18:15

Yes, sorry. That is really controlling, although I’m sorry for what you went through in 2020 and hope you’re feeling loads better.

Midlifemusings · 08/05/2022 18:16

Yes, you are being controlling.

You need to work through this with a counsellor so that your insecurities and lack of control over your own looks can be managed without trying to control someone else.

Neither person's insecurities should lead to controlling behaviour and telling partners what they can or cannot do or seeing their reaonsable actions as being unsupportive.

This is something that you need to get help with to learn how to manage so it doesn't cause you so much distress.

couchparsnip · 08/05/2022 18:16

You have some issues about your own body that you are taking out on your husband. Perhaps it might be worth talking to a professional about this because it is affecting your relationship.

Cotherstone · 08/05/2022 18:16

It’s understandable that you’re feeling self conscious and I’m sorry for that and wish you the best. BUT you can’t stop him watching something like Game of Thrones. Porn, yes. TV shows, no.

TonySmart · 08/05/2022 18:28

Yes you're being unreasonable. Imagine all the things you couldn't watch - Game of Thrones, Peep Show, The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, The Wire, Girls, Greys Anatomy....

Loads of tv shows have sex in them.

Girlintheframe · 08/05/2022 18:34

Yes that is very controlling!

Original poster
Tinkerbell2022 · 08/05/2022 18:37

Thanks for replying, oh well, guess my own feelings don't count as it's a big yes from you all. Macmillan site says if you have anxieties etc talk them through with your family, this failed for me, dealing with cancer is bad enough, but without a supportive partner it's far worse, very lonely.

OP posts:
TonySmart · 08/05/2022 18:38

What tv show is it?

Of course you can talk to him about your anxiety. But you cannot forbid him from watching normal tv shows that have a certain amount of sex in.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2022 18:39

That’s extremely controlling, whatever the reasons or justification you feel you have. You’re not even there when he’s watching it!

Shoxfordian · 08/05/2022 18:40

Yeah you’re being controlling; your insecurities shouldn’t dictate what he can watch on tv

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 08/05/2022 18:41

No one has said your feelings don’t count and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with cancer. It’s shit.

But you can’t ask him to curtail watching ordinary TV. Do you have a counsellor? It may help to speak to one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2022 18:42

Tinkerbell2022 · 08/05/2022 18:37

Thanks for replying, oh well, guess my own feelings don't count as it's a big yes from you all. Macmillan site says if you have anxieties etc talk them through with your family, this failed for me, dealing with cancer is bad enough, but without a supportive partner it's far worse, very lonely.

That’s a very passive aggressive response. Is that how you speak to your husband?

Theres talking about your anxieties and trying to control other people which are completely different things. Macmillan don’t mean what you think they do if this is what you’re doing with their advice.

You can elaborate on how he’s unsupportive and otherwise an arse but him choosing his own tv viewing isn’t remotely unsupportive. Be serious.

pointythings · 08/05/2022 18:45

No-one has said your feelings don't count, but right now what you are feeling is not rational or reasonable. Please try to access some counselling to address your trauma, body issues and insecurities.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 08/05/2022 18:45

In the gentlest way, you are being controlling, of course your feelings count and you should talk about anxiety but that's not the same as telling someone what to watch/see/think. Ask about help for your worries and work on your self esteem.

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2022 18:45

Tinkerbell2022 · 08/05/2022 18:37

Thanks for replying, oh well, guess my own feelings don't count as it's a big yes from you all. Macmillan site says if you have anxieties etc talk them through with your family, this failed for me, dealing with cancer is bad enough, but without a supportive partner it's far worse, very lonely.

There's a difference between talking your anxieties through with him and telling him he can't watch these things. Lots of programmes have lots of sex in them these days, I watch a lot of them and it's not because I like ogling at the actors, it's because I like the shows. You're assuming he's watching them to be lecherous.

faggyhagger · 08/05/2022 18:45

Which tv show is he watching? It might not be full of sex, it could just have a sex scene every few episodes.

Even Game of Thrones doesn't have constant sex and boobs.

PointyMcguire · 08/05/2022 18:47

Tinkerbell2022 · 08/05/2022 18:37

Thanks for replying, oh well, guess my own feelings don't count as it's a big yes from you all. Macmillan site says if you have anxieties etc talk them through with your family, this failed for me, dealing with cancer is bad enough, but without a supportive partner it's far worse, very lonely.

Cancer is absolutely shit and I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that, but what you’ve said here is actually quite manipulative. No one has said your feelings don’t matter or that you shouldn’t voice your anxieties, that said there’s a vast difference between sharing something that makes you anxious and dictating what your DH can or can’t watch.

Midlifemusings · 08/05/2022 18:55

To share your anxiety you tell him...

I realized when I found out that you were watching "full of sex" show that my anxiety really reared up. I started to get all in my head about my insecurities about my own body and then I started to think maybe that meant you didn't want me or find me attractive. I am still struggling with this anxiety but I realize it is irrational and that I need to talk to someone about it. I am going to go back to my counsellor to work on this. In the meantime, something that I would find supportive would be.... if you can comment occasionally on liking how I look - just a you look great today or something that reminds me now and then that my insecurities aren't my reality.

Insert - whatever it is you would find supportive - but then when he does it - don't disagree or resist or argue or put yourself down. You have to accept the support you ask for. And your supportive request should be a positive, something that makes you both feel better - not a negative thing - like don't watch TV.

PriestessofPing · 08/05/2022 18:55

When you say taking through your anxieties failed do you mean this incident specifically or that generally he has not been supportive?

Overthewine · 08/05/2022 18:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

5128gap · 08/05/2022 19:16

Preventing your H from seeing the bodies of other women will not reassure you he finds your own attractive. Even if he never set eyes on another pair of breasts in his life, he knows what they look like. Your reassurance needs to come from the knowledge that he loves and finds you desirable, and that's the conversation you need to be having. The ones you are currently having will result in the opposite. You will irritate him, you will argue and there will be distance between you. It must be very difficult for you, but you've come so far. Don't let this spoil what you have.

Original poster
Tinkerbell2022 · 08/05/2022 19:19

For the record, it wasn't TV....it was Netflix films, series etc

OP posts:
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