Am I too controlling?

[Tinkerbell2022]

Hi, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy in 2020. I have suffered with depression amongst other things. I have always been embarrassed over my extremely small breasts and now one is deformed. My husband and I watch TV separately (we don't like the same things) and I found out that he had been watching a series that was described by others as 'full of sex' I asked him please not to watch things that were full of sex, as I felt very insecure about me and how I look and didn't want him to see women with lovely breasts etc (unavoidable in most programmes I know) but I said, things 'full' of sex, were avoidable. Must stress, it wasn't Porn. He said he wasn't a kid and that I'm not his mother trying to censor what he watches. I feel hurt that he wasn't even willing to make a compromise and says I'm in the wrong for trying to control him. Am I?

Netflix is TV - just another way off accessing it. No different to, say BBC iPlayer. Splitting hairs won’t help you. As I and many others have said, you really should try access or talking to your counsellor.

op I’m sorry about your cancer and your feelings about your body and yes of course it’s important to talk through your anxieties with a partner.

but this is not talking through your anxieties, this is controlling, it’s trying to dictate what he can and cannot do, and this is a very different thing, I’m sorry.

From someone with small boobs and massive insecurities, I totally get where your coming from. My mum brought us up believing all women are a threat and wouldn’t let my dad watch anything remotely sexual on tv. Therefore my sister and I had massive insecurities. My DH is the most trust worthy loving man and always tells me he loves my body and that I’m beautiful. Gradually I’ve learned not to let tv or other women bother me so much. I appreciate other womens body’s and accept he might think they look nice but that doesn’t mean I don’t as well.

Boobs are not the b all and end all! If your partner isn’t able to reassure you though, that’s where your issue is. Sit him down and explain why you feel the way you do and hopefully he will reassure you that he loves you for you. It gets easier in time once you begin to love yourself.

Your feelings absolutely count but just because someone feels a certain way that doesn’t make them right or reasonable.

often we have feelings which are neither reasonable or logical. Our feelings are valid to us, but again that doesn’t mean they are correct in reality.

your feelings of insecurity are valid. Absolutely. When it becomes questionable is when you expect other people to modify or change their absolutely normal and fine behaviour to appease your insecurity.

If your partner hasn’t be supportive overall or is a bit of a tossed in general then maybe you’ve got a wider problem.

but based purely on the detail you’ve given then your partner is not unreasonable to push back and say no he won’t modify a perfectly normal behaviour because you say he should.

where would that end? If I were your partner I may have been a bit more gentle and diplomatic in the way I said no, but again your partner might just be a twat anyway. Only you know.

OP have you thought about reconstructive surgery?

Netflix is tv, it's just a streaming platform for tv shows and films.

What was the tv show?

Sorry that you have been through cancer. That's awful.

But...

These are generalisations...

Men do tend to wank more than women
Men do tend to watch more porn etc
Men do tend to differentiate between the physical release and the emotional one

To add, I used to watch porn. I used to use sex toys. I used to be highly involved at organisational level in the kink scene.

I don't anymore because I worked this through. I found something more fulfilling and enriching.

At the end of the day, I have zero issues with what my partner gets up to in his own PRIVATE time. How would you feel if he dictated to you?

And yes, your response to a previous poster was PA in extremis.

To add, it does appear that your breasts are bothering you. I'm sure you have considered cosmetic surgery?

@Melsuleenia this has absolutely nothing to do with porn and wanking- he's watching Netflix!!

Netflix is TV - op, no one has said your feelings don't count, but you are being very controlling. You cannot expect him not to watch a Netflix show because you're self conscious.

@user1471457751

You are being incredibly naive.

What are you talking about? It's not naive at all, it's literally in the OP that it is him watching netflix on TV that she objects to.

Yes you're being controlling.

Something that's on Netflix isn't going to be that bad. He is a grown man. He can watch what he likes.

Your insecurities need to be addressed. They're not going to get better by restricting your husband.

You are definitely missing the point here, OP. You don’t feel supported by your DH or connected to him. And that’s leading you to think that not watching certain tv shows will make you feel less bad. But it won’t. Addressing your self esteem or lack of connectedness will make the difference and I think you will benefit from counselling. Also trying to respark your relationship somehow. Good luck.

@aSofaNearYou

Oh ageed! OP is talking about NF. And you REALLY think that it ends there?

Do me a favour...

Nobody said that? Just that it wasn't what the thread was about. We have no idea if he watches porn or not but it isn't what OP is talking about.

There are boobs everywhere, what is it about the boobs on Netflix that’s upsetting? If he goes to buy the food shop there’ll be boobs, to the garage to get petrol, walking down the street, in adverts online, on tv, on billboards.

What's he watching that is so bad?

Goodness. I had no idea NF was a gateway to porn! Should risk the last episode of call the midwife? Maybe if I send DP out of the room...

Your feelings do matter; you can talk it through and he can reassure you but you’re going on step further and wanting to control what he’s doing.

Yanbu OP, because what you are feeling is very real and very painful.

I have been there. I hated my breasts so much, that I'd either try to control what was on the TV, have no TV, or go to the other extreme and watch something full of breasts with partner to see if I could cope and then literally having a breakdown.

I know my partner loves me, I know he sees better boobs on Tele - any program and tbh it's still a minor issue. No fall outs, no switching off...

But... It still hurts, that he sees those boobs as more attractive than mine.

You are not being a control freak, you are in a desperate, frightened place that there is no come back from unless you seek help and talk.

Sending love and positivity.

You are SO wrong

It wasn't normal TV, it was Netflix films and series.

@Cas112 me?

At nearly 60 years of age, I don't think so.

No op😂