Am I too controlling?

[Tinkerbell2022]

Hi, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy in 2020. I have suffered with depression amongst other things. I have always been embarrassed over my extremely small breasts and now one is deformed. My husband and I watch TV separately (we don't like the same things) and I found out that he had been watching a series that was described by others as 'full of sex' I asked him please not to watch things that were full of sex, as I felt very insecure about me and how I look and didn't want him to see women with lovely breasts etc (unavoidable in most programmes I know) but I said, things 'full' of sex, were avoidable. Must stress, it wasn't Porn. He said he wasn't a kid and that I'm not his mother trying to censor what he watches. I feel hurt that he wasn't even willing to make a compromise and says I'm in the wrong for trying to control him. Am I?

@Tinkerbell2022 Netflix shows all sorts, their own original drama, but also shows series from BBC so you cannot really differentiate between the two. It's just a way of watching TV.

Netflix is not more graphic than usual tv. In fact many of the shows and films on there have also been on terrestrial. I think you didn’t want peoples opinions, you wanted agreement. You’ve had a tough time, you can talk to him about how you feel but you are unreasonable to monitor and restrict his tv viewing.

Aw but @Cas112 I can see where she is coming from and it is a place of internal torture.

Just seen OP is in 60s? I let it go in my 30s I think.

I was a teen, 20 something of the lad mag era... 🙄 Brilliant.

Netflix is brilliant for documentaries and stand up comedy. I love Netflix 😁

Hi tinkerbelle, I thought I’d pm you but have no idea how now it’s all changed. Just to say I’m with you - cancer 6 years ago and have a very odd shape. I don’t have much wise to say just a hug. I think the treatment leaves you very emotionally all over the place.I know I’m still very quick to cry and it’s horrible, I know I’m being irrational. It’s like being in a sea and you cannot reach the shore. Is this how you feel? I find it hard too, I wear a top all the time, and yes, it is just a boob, and yes, we are extremely lucky to have caught it, but it’s still odd- it gets avoided and the other one gets attention, but it’s all wrong somehow. Except there’s no sensation in the shrivelled one. It’s always there in bed with us if that makes sense. Certainly doesn’t make a gal feel sexy! Don’t know quite what I’m saying, I just felt a good natter would help. You’re not alone!💐

You are being controlling. Cancer is awful and I'm sorry that happened to you, but you have no right asking him not to watch a normal tv series. Sex is in many tv shows, you can't expect him to turn them all off when it comes on. Your response regarding your feelings don't matter is very manipulative. If you aren't already, I'd seek therapy.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I have never asked anyone to do anything for me, except this, I was just hoping for a bit of support, but obviously judging by the replies from most of the others I'm in the wrong and I respect that. He chose not to watch TV (including streaming services) in the same room as me, many years ago, and I didn't kick up a fuss, we do like different things, so we have for the past at least 10 years never sat and watched TV together, and we watch every evening. I spend my time in the lounge and he spends his time upstairs, watching another TV. I don't many couples that do that, but I just accepted it. Thanks again, love and positivity back.

It’s too big an ask. Sorry.

Aww, I get you OP

If by hoping for support you meant you wanted people to agree with you that he’s wrong that was unrealistic. You asked if you were too controlling so you must have considered people would say yes and they have. No one is calling you names or being horrible. They’re sympathising with both your illness and your low self esteem. It’s possible to do that and also say you’re out of order trying to police his viewing, not least when it doesn’t even take place in the same room as you are.

No healthy functioning marriage contains this sort of behaviour and you’ve already lost something meaningful when you try to control anyone like this.

You have a choice. You can feel wronged and betrayed by him, by posters on here, and try to justify your actions because you feel bad about yourself and threatened by the bodies of women on tv. Or you can seek the professional help you probably need to deal with it all and choose to treat your husband like an adult who can watch Netflix when he wants to.

Maybe you need counselling on your own, maybe you need to see someone together. But what you’re doing isn’t okay, I hope you wouldn’t tolerate it from him.

Sounds like an unhappy marriage with tv/streaming programs to be the least of it.

I hope you find the support you need from other sources. 🙁

Great post.
OP,
I'm sorry about what you've been through, but saying oh well, guess my own feelings don't count as it's a big yes from you all sounds very passive - aggressive. Your feelings "count" in that they are understandable, but your request to your DH is very unreasonable. The fact that your feelings are understandable doesn't imply he's obliged to follow your wishes. Your feelings don't trump his right to live a normal life. I think we'd all be horrified if a man asked his partner not to watch TV programmes with fit blokes in them, even if he had survived cancer which left him physically changed. And even if your DH agreed to not watch any TV programmes that you had not approved, I doubt it would stop there. The TV programmes aren't the problem.

I felt this.
I've just had a baby and have body dysmorphia and an eating disorder.
My partner and I were supposed to go for our first walk outside today to get some fresh air and get my confidence up with being out and about with the baby.
I had a panic attack about him seeing all the women in skimpy clothing in the sunshine.
I've tried to end the relationship several times. I'm the same with TV shows, he isn't allowed to watch anything with women in revealing clothes or naked. I know it's toxic but he insists he doesn't want to lose me.

Right now, I'd rather kill myself then start going through the emotional torment of him seeing this stuff. It's so raw and so painful it's taken over everything else. It hurts. Really hurts. Then I feel guilty and not worth it, then completely worthless. It's an endless cycle with no peace, it's exhausting.

I hate myself and I feel trapped as with a newborn I can't just end the relationship.

Spending your evenings watching TV in separate rooms, perhaps both do something else together than watch TV? If you are both working in the day, then separate in the evening, and its been this way for 10 years, have you really got a close bond, or has that made a wedge?
Not convinced breasts are as important to a lot of men ( more important to me really). I suspect women are more bothered about breasts than men are, there's so much more that makes a woman so it's important to keep perspective.
When you think of your DH's physique, are there plenty of men you see TV or otherwise, who, being objective, have a better body? - I bet there are, but if he said you couldn't watch anything that had them in, that would be equally wrong.
Having said all that, you can't help how you feel, but you can deal with how you feel differently. Spending every night apart though is not healthy, isn't going to create a supportive environment in general. Somehow I suspect you've not actually nurtured your relationship in the years running up to your diagnosis, and it looks like that hasn't changed during or since. I'd say lack of support runs deeper than what he watches, as much to do with where he watches it - which is away from you.

It doesn’t matter whether it was Netflix, terrestrial TV or the local pirate radio station. You can’t police what he watches because of an issue that is entirely yours. That’s not a healthy way to deal with anxiety. You can talk to him about it and tell him how you feel and even how the thought of him seeing boobs makes you feel and he should listen and reassure you - but that’s as far as it goes. Anything beyond that is controlling, and in the same vein as banning someone from talking to members of the opposite sex, for example, because you’ve been cheated on.

He cannot take away or fix how you feel about your boobs and your body. He can reassure you of his feelings for you, but asking him to modify his behaviour is pandering to unhealthy thoughts and letting the anxiety control your and his life. You need to work on your self esteem from within yourself, nobody else can change it no matter what you ask of them.

Please get some help. With kindness, you’re being emotionally abusive to your partner. Implying you’ll kill yourself if he doesn’t acquiesce to your demands is emotional blackmail. You don’t have to live like this - I’m sure you don’t want to, but as I said to the OP the issue can only be solved by you, from within you. Speak to your GP asap.

I'm going to tomorrow.
I haven't actually said that to him. First time admitting it here but that genuinely is how life damaging it is.
I don't feel worthy of common decency, healthcare etc.
I feel used when I think he's looking at other women. I feel trapped in this situation. I think the only way out is to walk away from everything including my newborn but I couldn't do that, so me not existing would be the best option for everyone.

I don't demand it. I've tried to break up numerous times but he insists that he understands where it comes from and wants to help me as much as he can.

Of course you’re worthy of respect! Every human being is. He clearly loves you a lot and wants to support you. It must be torture feeling like this. I’ve had intrusive thoughts myself that tormented me 24/7 but with the right therapy and medication they did ease off a lot to the point I have a normal life. Remember the things you’re thinking aren’t the irrefutable truth, they’re just how you feel right now. Well done for not saying those things to him - I think you know deep down this isn’t healthy but don’t lose hope that things can get better. You deserve to be happy and that’s great you’re taking the first step of talking to a doctor. I hope you find the right help to get you out of this.

@Benbofurg please see my post earlier.

I know how you feel. Please seek help from your GP asap because it sounds like you have PND.

It's not a bad thing, it's very common, but it can distort your thoughts dramatically especially when focusing on boobs.

You've just created a life! Please please call GP or speak to health visitor as you do not need to feel like this.

You are wrong, as films, series, tv shows and even books with sex in them are all out there - sex is a part of life and media depicts that. However that doesn't mean that your feelings are in any way 'stupid'. You have been through a huge ordeal and have been left with insecurities, which is normal. However it is unfair to indulge these without seeking proper MH help to help you through this, and it will push you and your husband apart, if he feels he has to creep round you. Please seek some counselling, it's no wonder you need it after what you've suffered, and help yourself to have a happier, more confident future. All the best OP.

Benbofurg you are more than the sum of your parts.
In terms of preventing someone from viewing images of naked woman.
You literally cannot.
Anyone can just close their eyes and ‘view’ them all they want. Do you think your partner’s have forgotten what breasts look like?
You are not stopping what you hope to stop.

I've had breast cancer, and lost an entire breast and all my hair to it (hair has since grown back thank god).

It's never occured to me to try and control what my DH watches on TV/Netflix, or anything else for that matter.😳I'm a sum total of more than my breasts (and previous lack of hair).

I'm Intrigued as to what he was watching, was it 365 days?

Op there’s a balance to these things. Some thing can make you uncomfortable or feel insecure, but it can also be unreasonable to try and force (or expect) your partner to do something because you think it will make you feel better.

Feelings are what they are. But dictating what people can watch because of those feelings is controlling.

I am sorry for what you went through. These things change people. Your responses here, seem to give quite a bit of insight. You took people agreeing this is controlling, to saying you can’t talk through your feelings. Dictating what someone can watch and talking through your insecurities are 2 completely different things. Support for your feelings can be given without agreeing that the way you are handling it is right.

Then you seem to be hung up that it’s not on ‘normal TV’ and that’s it’s different because it’s on Netflix. It’s not. Netflix isn’t a den of ill repute. The fact that it’s on Netflix doesn’t change the situation at all. That is normal TV for many people.

I really think you would be better exploring professional support for yourself. You don’t sound happy in your relationship, which may be making this situation feel worse. You can explore that too.

Ahhh OP sorry to hear what you have been through and how it's effected you now. Don't ever down play the lasting effect this will have had on you. It sounds like you could still do with some support ♥️

I would just say that there is a difference between talking through your anxiety's and then telling someone what they can watch. Unfortunately a lot of programs nowadays are very explicit and your sort of saying to your husband he can't watch them which is a bit unfair.
My mum and nana and grandad had cancer. As a family member to go through that with them was absolutely awful, life changing. I suffered so much mentally. It's reasonable to expect your partner did too. I'm not saying this is Justin for him way hung a certain show and I'm not saying he had it worse then you... I suppose I'm just saying maybe you could both be gift from getting some after care support if you don't feel you're giving it to each other.

Hope you're ok OP ♥️