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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

One last chance? Or literally a ‘push’ too far?

90 replies

FFS2022 · 08/05/2022 17:49

A number of months ago I asked my husband of 15 years to leave. He had become distant and offered no emotional support whilst I was going through a difficult time. I realised I’d had no emotional support throughout the duration of our marriage and felt alone and was sick of his selfish ways.

He swiftly packed his bags and left. He put up zero fight and now claims it was because he was suffering from depression. Over the last month he has begged for me to take him back, showered me with gifts and adorations of love etc. He is a good father, a hard worker and generous - not all bad.

After telling him that I don’t think I can give him another chance, he wrestled me to the floor the other day in order to get my phone. He feels there must be someone else in my life for me to put the blockers on. There genuinely isn’t.

I am bruised, scared but most of all confused. I know he is going through an emotional time and I feel that I have pushed him to this. He has never been physical before. Can he change? Do you think this is depression ? I don’t know what to do next.

OP posts:

Scabbyknackers · 08/05/2022 17:54

He physically went for you. Please see this as a hard line.

rewardacrosstrack · 08/05/2022 17:57

It would definitely be a push too far for me. He has physically assaulted you and there's no going back from that. Even if you did decide to give things another go you would probably always be on edge because you know he is capable of this and that's no way to live. And he clearly doesn't trust you, which would lead to more risk of it happening again

Happityhap · 08/05/2022 17:57

No, don't take him back.

He has never been a real partner and now he has assaulted you.
He just misses the home comforts and wants them back.

GrazingSheep · 08/05/2022 17:58

Did you report him to the police ?

Vsirbdo · 08/05/2022 17:59

How did you cause this? You already felt you couldn’t give him another chance and this just confirms this. He’s going through a hard time but nothing excuses this.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/05/2022 17:59

It’s not depression it’s domestic violence. You can get legal aid for domestic violence cases. Depression doesn’t just clear up because your wife pushes back.

After living with that shit for years as if you’d go after another man 🙄

Original poster

FFS2022 · 08/05/2022 18:01

No, I haven’t reported him to the police. It was out of character for him and I feel that his emotions got the better of him. He has never laid a hand on me before.
He seems like a desperate man at the minute and it’s hard to watch. He is the father of my children and I care about him. I don’t know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 18:01

So he has progressed to violence ?

you know what to do

chisanunian · 08/05/2022 18:07

I feel that I have pushed him to this

OMG no. No way is this your fault.

Can he change?

He has already changed into the sort of person who thinks it is ok to assault a woman. Abuse is never acceptable, no matter what. Being depressed is no excuse.

I don't know what to do next

You are not responsible for him or his behaviour, so please don't feel that you have to allow this abusive person back into your life. Please find the strength in yourself to report his assault on you to the police.

blacksax · 08/05/2022 18:10

If he is in a precarious mental state, then I'm sorry to say this, but there is a chance that you and your dc could be in danger of serious harm should he really go off the rails.

You really do need to report this to the police.

Pegasaurus · 08/05/2022 18:18

You haven't pushed him to this at all, he has chosen to assault you.
Definitely don't take him back. I also think you should report this to the police.

Planesmistakenforstars · 08/05/2022 18:37

He has never laid a hand on me before.
Well yes, but that is always the case the first time someone is violent in a relationship. There is always a first time.

Newestname002 · 08/05/2022 20:03

@FFS2022

This is bad enough...

I am bruised, scared but most of all confused.

This is worse. Anyone who makes you scared should not be in your life. If he's done this to you once can you ever relax and be absolutely sure it won't happen again?

Take some time out, without taking him back, to think about what you'd like to do next - especially to keep yourself safe.

Perhaps you should also consider ringing 101, the non-emergency police line, to report the incident when he got violent with you to have this logged on their system, in case this happens again.

Take care and stay safe OP. 🌹

Somuddled · 08/05/2022 21:48

Before reading your post i had expected you to say something like he knocked you with his shoulder as he was walking passed. Wrestling you to get your phone is WAY passed acceptable. It was already over, surely this just confirms it.

GingeryLemons · 08/05/2022 21:50

There's always a first time. Make it the last, op. Don't let him near you again.

Tallisimo · 08/05/2022 23:39

He did what??? And you are asking him if you made him do it? Read your posts back. You are better off without him.

Tallisimo · 08/05/2022 23:40

Sorry, too many hims in that sentence. It should read …. And you are asking if you made him do it!

Daisyblush · 09/05/2022 08:10

I way should you have him back. Your marriage has escalated to physical violence to you. That’s a hard get out of my house forever for me

Original poster

FFS2022 · 09/05/2022 09:34

It’s so hard to work out whether he is awful or just struggling emotionally.
I do feel like red flags are there. He’s minimised his behaviour since the split, gaslighted and now resorts to this.
I know when I read this back it doesn’t look good and I know what to do. The confusion of my ‘best friend’ of all of these years being like this is too much for me to take. I keep making excuses for him……

OP posts:

poetryandwine · 09/05/2022 11:38

Suppose your DD came to you with this story? What advice would you have for her?

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 12:00

Before the assault, nothing you've written indicates he is a suitable romantic partner. What makes you think he won't escalate further if he doesn't get what he wants?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/05/2022 12:04

You were already at the point of ending it, why would this physical assault make you change your mind??

Orgasmagorical · 09/05/2022 12:18

How often do abusers use their mental health as an excuse for being violent/abusive/killing?

He had become distant and left willingly. Now he's back. His other option hasn't worked out. The fact that he wants to check your phone is very telling. They very often accuse us of doing to them what they're doing to us.

I understand the emotions you are going through, FFS, so many of us have been where you are. It's horrible. But please, please do what you need to do to keep yourself and your children safe. This if the FIRST time he has been physically abusive, it won't be the last if you let him back in.

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 12:19

Please tell me your children didn’t witness this

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 12:21

Has it occurred to you that he left without a fight because HE has someone in the background

then when that fizzled out, he came back?

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