One last chance? Or literally a ‘push’ too far?

[FFS2022]

A number of months ago I asked my husband of 15 years to leave. He had become distant and offered no emotional support whilst I was going through a difficult time. I realised I’d had no emotional support throughout the duration of our marriage and felt alone and was sick of his selfish ways.

He swiftly packed his bags and left. He put up zero fight and now claims it was because he was suffering from depression. Over the last month he has begged for me to take him back, showered me with gifts and adorations of love etc. He is a good father, a hard worker and generous - not all bad.

After telling him that I don’t think I can give him another chance, he wrestled me to the floor the other day in order to get my phone. He feels there must be someone else in my life for me to put the blockers on. There genuinely isn’t.

I am bruised, scared but most of all confused. I know he is going through an emotional time and I feel that I have pushed him to this. He has never been physical before. Can he change? Do you think this is depression ? I don’t know what to do next.

@tomatoandherbs spot on. IME often an adulterous partner will accuse the innocent partner, either because they want to deflect but often because they are so focused on it that it occupies their way of thinking.

It’s so hard to work out whether he is awful or just struggling emotionally.

who gives a flying fu@k whether he’s struggling emotionally OP. Seriously, have some standards. He sounds horrible

The kids were at school so luckily didn’t witness it.
I agree with suggestions that he moved on to greener grass which went tits up. There’s been a few niggling doubts of mine about this but no OW appeared. His family keep telling me he is ‘not right’ and is having a mental breakdown. I feel obliged to do something. I think I he just wants me to back down and take him back.
I feel like I’m going insane overthinking it all.

He keeps saying he’s nothing without me and has nothing left to live for.

so?

op he sounds profoundly - well he sounds like a complete twat. An abusive, philandering one at that

I feel obliged to do something.

Why?

You don't owe him or his family anything. Many abusers threaten suicide, or make play attempts at it, but it's all about manipulating you into doing what they want.

Think about what you want. The overthinking thing is part of it. I felt I was going out of my mind but almost as soon as we had split up I had the headspace to see more clearly what he'd been doing.

Whatever you do, do not rush into anything you will regret.

You have children.

Gently, stop putting the (misplaced) guilt for the consequences your husband will face (being single) and realise that if you stay with him, you'll be feeling guilty for forcing your children to grow up in a toxic abusive home witnessing a relationship dynamic they're more likely to replicate the longer you stay in a relationship with him.

Who do you love more, him or your kids?

It's at that point now. Choose.

Lots of them threaten suicide on here but their still around years later being a royal pain in the arse.

The ones who are actively planning it don’t tell you because youll stop them. It’s so sick to allude to suicide when it’s devastated so many families.

I think I’m scared. I’m just not sure exactly what I’m scared of…..

I think your point that, if this happened to your own daughter you’d know what to do and think, is a good one.

What happened was that he assaulted you, and you were not to blame for his actions. It sounds like you think he isn’t in control of himself right now because you have said this is the end of the line. That doesn’t make his lack of control your responsibility.

Personally I think there are times when the way someone behaves can be forgiven, but those times rather depend on that person. If he is depressed, he needs to see a doctor and/or therapist. If he has violent tendencies, he needs to seek help. This isn’t your doing and you can’t solve it-he can, and you are allowed to give him time to do that if you want to. Maybe think about what you want……you might benefit from talking that through.

Despite the violence, he obviously does not trust you, and imagines that you asked him to leave because you had some other option waiting in the wings.
He does not have the emotional insight to realise he/his behaviour was the reason behind you asking him to leave.
Time and a true realisation (from him) of what is required to forge a good and honest loving relationship with you are the only reasons you should ever consider a reconciliation with him.
Don't feel any guilt OP. you have no doubt have been very long suffering prior to his initial departure.
Life is very short for all this hassle, things haven't improved up till now have they?

Consequences perhaps? He's manipulating you into feeling this fear, that's how they work.

The easiest thing would be for him to come back and pretend nothing had ever happened; much easier than finding himself a new place to live and being responsible for himself. But it wouldn't be easy or good for you or your children, he knows that - that's why he's putting on the pressure.

How were things for you when he had left before? How did you feel yourself?

Stop making excuses for him. Call non emergency police number and ask to speak to someone about an assault. At least he is already out of your home. He has realised how much he's missing out on. The depression is probably actually self pity, but now he has broken that mental barrier and assaulted you once he will do it again. Stay strong .

He has promised to give me some space and to go away and work on himself. He is apologetic for the bruising but insists he was just in an emotional state and behaved irrationally.
He wants me to consider giving him another chance. I said I can’t see that happening but would have a think. I know it is wrong to give false hope but I feel under immense pressure from him.
Thank you for all of your replies that have given me clarity that I’m not losing the plot…

He is apologetic for the bruising but insists he was just in an emotional state and behaved irrationally.

As I said in my PP - How often do abusers use their mental health as an excuse for being violent/abusive/killing?

Please be careful, FFS, and keep posting if you need to talk, we're here

Your husband
simple as that

Dear lord woman, he seriously assaulted you when you said No.

I too think a fling went tits up and he wants to come home.

He assaulted you.

Do NOT bring this violent man back into your home.

Have you visible bruises?
Photograph them and please report him.

His suicide threats are classic abusive, controlling man who isn't getting his way.

Tell the police that after assaulting you he has threatened suicide.

I can assure you it is text book abuser tactic that they know only too well.

You got him out.

Do not doubt yourself, do not allow him back.

Tell family and friends the truth, he assaulted you.

Do not keep his nasty secret.

Protect your children, yourself and your home.

Don't you feel more strongly about protecting your children than about protecting this abusive arsehole?

@billy1966 you are correct in everything you say. It’s always reeked of a fling, but without concrete evidence, the mental breakdown plays on my mind - it just doesn’t make sense.

I don’t think our whole relationship has been abusive - although he has definitely emotionally neglected me at times. However since the split, I have seen him become abusive in terms of gaslighting and minimising etc.

My friend has mentioned ‘hoovering’??? He is showering me with gifts, constantly phoning me or asking the kids my whereabouts, threatening suicide and saying there is only me who understands him.

Its really difficult for me to understand the man I’ve loved for almost two decades could be abusive. I’m constantly questioning abuse vs a desperate man who loves his wife and wants her back.

it’s mentally exhausting x

@youvegottenminuteslynn my kids come first 100%. He would never hurt them and is a good father but I understand the needs of a happy home - hence why I have not let him back.

Thank you for raising this though. It does put things into perspective and I need to do what’s right by my kids x

Ffs op, DON'T TAKE HIM BACK!!!

Look at the end of the day, does it really matter whether he’s a terrible person or “the emotions got the better of him”? At the end of the day, you should not be scared of your partner, you should not be manhandled and hurt by your partner, you should be supported, respected and happy in your relationship. The way he has treated you is not acceptable regardless of his motivations

Absolutely "hoovering".

The best he can hope for is that he co parents his children.

But that is down to him and completely HIS choice.

Take your time, but don't allow him back i to the home.

Please listen to your gut, your marriage is over.

I understand you are shocked.

But you can do this.

Keep yourself safe at all cost.

You will never trust him again now that he has shown you he can be violent.

Good father's do not behave this way to their child's mother because it damages the mother's security, self esteem, self worth, confidence...

I have seen him become abusive in terms of gaslighting and minimising etc. constantly phoning me or asking the kids my whereabouts, threatening suicide and saying there is only me who understands him.

After telling him that I don’t think I can give him another chance, he wrestled me to the floor the other day in order to get my phone

He is NOT a good dad. He's abusing the other adult responsible for his children. Emotionally, verbally and now physically.

Also you say he'd never hurt them. Did you at one point think he would never be cruel to you? Never be controlling? Never call you a whore? Never bruise you? He's done all those things. He's capable of being worse than you expect of him, based on his behaviour to date.

Put your kids first and never, ever get back together with him.

Unless you can live with watching your kids replicate this dynamic themselves when they're teens and adults. Surely they would break your heart?

The next time he threatens suicide phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check. That might kick that particular manipulation into touch.