One last chance? Or literally a ‘push’ too far?

[FFS2022]

A number of months ago I asked my husband of 15 years to leave. He had become distant and offered no emotional support whilst I was going through a difficult time. I realised I’d had no emotional support throughout the duration of our marriage and felt alone and was sick of his selfish ways.

He swiftly packed his bags and left. He put up zero fight and now claims it was because he was suffering from depression. Over the last month he has begged for me to take him back, showered me with gifts and adorations of love etc. He is a good father, a hard worker and generous - not all bad.

After telling him that I don’t think I can give him another chance, he wrestled me to the floor the other day in order to get my phone. He feels there must be someone else in my life for me to put the blockers on. There genuinely isn’t.

I am bruised, scared but most of all confused. I know he is going through an emotional time and I feel that I have pushed him to this. He has never been physical before. Can he change? Do you think this is depression ? I don’t know what to do next.

He is manipulating you, gaslighting you and assaulting you. His insistence that you have someone else in the background is projection and I agree he definitely had an option B in mind, or he wouldn't have left so easily.

His mental health may indeed be really poor. But that doesn't mean any of his behaviour is excused. My mental health is poor, I am out of my head with grief at the moment, I'm still not wrestling people to the ground to 'prove' my half-cocked theories.

You need to get some real life support, not from his family and maybe even not from yours. Can you afford counselling? Womens Aid? He's making you doubt yourself which OF COURSE is the point of his behaviour. You need someone on your side to shore up your boundaries.

He has promised to give me some space and to go away and work on himself. He is apologetic for the bruising but insists he was just in an emotional state and behaved irrationally.

Fgs. He is minimising the fact he physically assaulted you. It doesn't matter why he made an unprovoked attack on you, or what sob story he comes out with. What happens next time he feels 'desperate' or 'lets his emotions get the better of him'? You had already realised he was selfish and unsupportive, and you split up with him for that, so why on earth would you be thinking of giving him another chance now that he's escalated from unsupportive to violent?!

No, depression doesn’t cause someone to be violent. No, you are not obliged to do something to help him. No, you don’t need to have a think about taking him back. You need to stop letting him emotionally blackmail you. He’ll most likely be fine once you’ve cut him out of your life permanently, and if he isn’t he can get professional help.

@Fairislefandango i actually think that deep down I KNOW I’m not going to give him another chance.
I think I’m on here for peoples opinions on the matter as I genuinely think I’m going crazy and doubting that what he has done is ‘bad enough’ to end the only relationship I’ve ever had.
I know I sound like a crazy mf right now! X

It is way, way more than 'bad enough'. Not that there's such a thing as a relationship having to meet 'bad enough' criteria for you to be allowed to end it. You don't need to justify it to anyone. He had already made you unhappy, and that was plenty of justification on its own, even before the violence. You have no need to even think about questioning your decision.

You don't sound crazy at all. It is easy to be bamboozled by someone who's that strongly convinced they're right about things and you're not. You'll be so much happier once all of this is over, I promise.

With each day that passes, if you’re not at least practically planning the end, what are you actually doing to make you think you “know” you’re going to end it?

I really think you should double check with the police about his minimising/justification for assaulting you.

See how they view it.

See if they say "yea sure thats fine, he was justified because he was feeling emotional and to wrestle your wife to the ground, yea thats ok under law".

Will they hell.

Tell him if he is so sure it is fine because he was emotional., he will have zero problem with you reporting it.

Will he fxxk🙄

@tomatoandherbs

1. not allowing him to live back in the house.


2. explaining how hurt I am


3. finally instilling some boundaries


4. speaking to a counsellor


5. seeking advice from a solicitor


6. booking a summer holiday for me and the kids

i know I just need to get the message across to him. He will catch up at some point ……

Regarding how bad his behaviour was, how would you view it if he wrestled a randomer in the street to the floor and bruised them, then minimised it?

I bet you'd be horrified and see it as totally wrong. And yet you can't quite see how bad it is that he treats you, his wife like this?

I wouldn't get into a dialogue about how hurt you feel, he doesn't really care, he'll only pretend to, to get his feet back under your table.

All your other points are good though!

Stop making excuses for him. If you take him back after he attacks you it it a green light for him to do it again and again.
You know deep down that this is unacceptable and you deserve so much more. This is not your fault.

He WRESTLED YOU TO THE FLOOR.
No,
No.
No.

2. explaining how hurt I am

I wouldn't. Don't give him any fuel, grey rock all the way. Abusers at this stage will use anything you give them.

Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid? They can at least recommend a solicitor experienced in these matters. I found their support invaluable (and I didn't think I needed them, to begin with).

@Orgasmagorical I’m still coming to terms with whether he is an abuser or not. I would feel like a fraud contacting Woman’s Aid. He is known as a nice bloke and we seem like the perfect family.

I feel confused and OTT 😑 x

If you take him back now, you're essentially telling him that he'll get his way by assaulting you. The next time you're inconveniently standing in the way of him getting whatever he wants, all he has to do is wrestle you to the floor, push you down the stairs, put his hands around your neck, and he'll get it. There have been no consequences for him from assaulting you once, so why wouldn't he do it again if it's proven to be effective?

He WRESTLED YOU TO THE FLOOR.
No,
No.
No

This x a million!!

It's a lot to take in when you first realise . You must not feel like a fraud, you've got bruises, not that you need bruises to be abused. My ex was the life and soul of the party and such a nice bloke too, but not so much at home. Even if you phone WA for a solicitor recommendation and take it from there. You are definitely not OTT but it is all rather a headfuck, you need help to process it

“And we seem like the perfect family”

Don’t underestimate people op
i highly highly doubt that people regard your family as the “perfect family” unless you are all Oscar worthy actors that have kept it up for 15 years.

But much much more importantly

you children sure as heck know that they don’t have a perfect family. Or even close

Don't make excuses for him. Not all depressed people are physically abusive, he's showing you who he truly is. If he'd actually found evidence of you seeing someone else, I dread to think what would have happened to you.

Do not take him back. Tell the police if he comes round again.

@Orgasmagorical - that’s exactly how I describe my life right now - a massive headfuck.

my kids come first 100%. He would never hurt them and is a good father but I understand the needs of a happy home - hence why I have not let him back.

I can imagine that once upon a time you thought he would never hurt you? A good father does not wrestle their mother to the floor.

You 100% need to report this to the police. To protect yourself and your children, and to also ensure it's documented as he has now been aggressive once, there's nothing stopping him doing it again and next time it could be much worse.

I hear you. I felt like I was going out of my mind towards the end of my marriage. It does get better though

I always hate the mental breakdown line because my dh and dad both had breakdowns and you literally break down. You can’t do normal stuff like make a cup of tea or make a simple plan like going to the shops. You stop existing as a functional adult human. Your also very vulnerable & fragile. It’s very obvious what’s going on too. They aren’t capable of carrying on going to work and living life as normal.

But I see men in here blaming really complex situations on breakdowns, “Yes I know I ran a Ponzi scheme, shagged loads of women and remortgaged the house 6 times while having 3 separate families who had no idea I was a bigamist BUT I was having a breakdown” it’s like if your car breaks down you can’t take it for a lap at Silverstone at top speed. It broke down.