One last chance? Or literally a ‘push’ too far?

[FFS2022]

A number of months ago I asked my husband of 15 years to leave. He had become distant and offered no emotional support whilst I was going through a difficult time. I realised I’d had no emotional support throughout the duration of our marriage and felt alone and was sick of his selfish ways.

He swiftly packed his bags and left. He put up zero fight and now claims it was because he was suffering from depression. Over the last month he has begged for me to take him back, showered me with gifts and adorations of love etc. He is a good father, a hard worker and generous - not all bad.

After telling him that I don’t think I can give him another chance, he wrestled me to the floor the other day in order to get my phone. He feels there must be someone else in my life for me to put the blockers on. There genuinely isn’t.

I am bruised, scared but most of all confused. I know he is going through an emotional time and I feel that I have pushed him to this. He has never been physical before. Can he change? Do you think this is depression ? I don’t know what to do next.

You have known for a long time that your marriage is not good. When you went through a hard time he did not support you and this made you end things with him.

The fact that he packed his bags and did not complain when you told him it was over makes me feel that he had another woman to go to. She might have told him to get lost now after she saw what he was like living with her.

So he comes back to the family home and thinks he can move back in. You told him this is not happening and he beats you up. He then tells you he is depressed and he can't live without you. He wants to see your phone as your cheating on him.

Do not let him move back into your house because the next time he gets annoyed he will physical hurt you again. His parents are telling you he is depressed and want you to give him another chance. They don't want him back living with them.

I tell them what he did to you and that he is not coming back into the family home.
If he says he is going to kill himself I ring the police and tell them what he said as he they will do a welfare check on him.
I also make a report to the police about him beating you up as they have a record of this happening.

You and your children deserve better than living with him. You don't want your children thinking his behaviour is acceptable. You don't want your kids long term to end up in the same situation as you as adults.
He has no one to blame but himself for the fact that you threw him out of the family home. He is an adult so he can get a place to live ect. He is no longer your responsibility. Bring all your paperwork ie bank statement, mortgage and pension details with you to a solicitors and start the divorce.

I'll let you into a little secret OP, we all feel like that, that it isn't 'bad enough' to warrant needing Women's Aid, that there are thousands of people needing their help more than we do, that we're 'a fraud'. Even those who are experiencing what we would view as horrific abuse will feel like that so please don't think not feeling it's 'bad enough' is any kind of reason not to call.

You need support to withstand his attempts at manipulation, remember he knows you and what buttons he needs to press to get you to do what he wants. And he is clearly demonstrating that all he cares about is getting what he wants, hence all the minimising, gaslighting and emotional blackmail, he doesn't care about what's best for you, only himself.

You can ask Women's Aid if it is 'bad enough'. You don't have to have everything figured out before you phone.

Just call and ask for advice.

I’m still coming to terms with whether he is an abuser or not. I would feel like a fraud contacting Woman’s Aid. He is known as a nice bloke and we seem like the perfect family.

What he is 'known as' means nothing. It is completely irrelevant. How can other people's uninformed view of him be more valid than what you have seen and heard with your own eyes and ears?

If someone is a thief, a murderer or a child abuser, does the fact that their acquaintances were unaware of it and thought they were a nice bloke make it not true? Of course not. Well the same applies to your situation.

How would you be a fraud contacting Woman’s Aid? What you have described is very, very clearly abuse.

OP I get that you are confused. He is making you feel guilty with his current behaviour because he knows it is confusing you. It's so tough to come to terms with the fact that it's over with the man you'd decided to spend your life with. You make reasons (I won't say excuses) in your head about why things have changed. You tell yourself that if only x, y or z can happen that things can go back to how they were.

Think of it this way - you had already decided the relationship was over and you didn't want him as a partner any more and you took steps to move on. Why would you now consider taking him back because he has assaulted you? Does he think it will make you love him again? Of course it won't.

You had already decided. Emotional support in a marriage is crucial so that would be reason enough., and that's without the physical assault.

Good work OP 💪

So today’s update……
After collecting the kids from school he asked me why I keep moving my car around (it was reversed on my drive but was facing forward to earlier) I told him I nipped out at lunch time to buy some dog food. He then said ‘oh what type of dog food so I know what to buy when I get it’ and looked in the cupboard.

He then said I was callous and cold and could tell that I hated him. He text me later to apologise on his wrong choice of words.

He then text to say he’s booked me a place on his summer holiday with our kids and how much the kids would love me to be there. But then obviously the choice is mine.

He’s ticking all the boxes isn’t he?

OMG. You have to ask? You need to go to the police. You’ve been assaulted.

Fuck that shit looking in the cupboard. Who the fuck does he think he is

Can I suggest you read In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder by Jane Monckton-Smith. I'm not trying to frighten you and say that's how yours will end at all, but the behaviours and patterns the author outlines will let you see you really are not a fraud or making a fuss over nothing.

You both “tick all the boxes”
just different boxes
i will hide this thread now. Pointless posting. Deaf ears.

He doesn't trust you and is checking up on you. That could well be projection - ie it's him that's cheated.

Thinking he has a right to know where you're going and what's in your phone - red flag.

Showering you with gifts and making an effort after YEARS of not showing he cares - fake and a red flag.

Wrestling you to the ground???? Causing bruising??? HUGE Red flag.

Minimising. Gas lighting. Red flags.

I don't care if he's desperate or is depressed. None of those are an excuse to treat people like he's treating you. You would without doubt regret letting him back in. For you and for your children the right thing to do is stand by your guns and split for good. You deserve better.

Can I please point out to all of the posters on here that I am 10000% sure this relationship is over. I am seeking legal advice. I’m just trying to make sense of the abuse and need help to understand it.

It seems like u have come to terms with him being an abuser.but even if this was due to static behaviour from being mentally unwell,because yes this can happen.a breakdown or mental illness can completely change a person's mindset.that doesn't mean though that what he's doing now is ok.so he needs help if it's changed him to THIS kind of person.this isn't just a depression you can support and love someone through as they behave differently this has passed into harmful.
But only you no what this behaviour is down to.

Is he taking your children away?without you?
How old are the children?

I would feel like a fraud contacting Woman’s Aid.

Each and every one of us who have contacted Woman's Aid have had that thought at some point. The fact is that when you get to the point where someone's suggesting it to you, or you are wondering for yourself, you have already experienced several methods of abuse at the hands of your partner.

My DM booked me in to talk to someone in WA. I walked in and apologised for my mother wasting the counsellor's time over such a non issue.

Turns out the counsellor was very concerned about my welfare. She was seeing the early markers of abuse that I could not see.

I also would have felt like a fraud contacting womens aid. That was years of being trained to consider my needs last on any list.

If you need help that WA can give, then you are not a fraud.

Xx