Would you forgive her for cheating/one night stand?

[fantalimon]

My girlfriend of two years has admitted to cheating on me. She went on a work night out in another city, that ended up in a nightclub. There she got absolutely wasted, to the point she could barely talk.

I was sent a video by a work colleague, of her dancing with a man in the club. So I confronted her when she came , and she admitted to it. And was very apologetic. She admitted to still being drunk when we had this conversation, as she had just got the train back to see me. She denied having done anything else.

Later that day, when I pushed for more info, she burst into tears and admitted to having had sex with him. She was very very apologetic, and said how scared she was of losing me. I feel like someone has taken a bite out of me. I just randomly want to cry.

I have agreed to try and forgive, but under the express term that if this ever happens again, she is out. We were even talking about moving in together, but now I don't know what to do. I still love her, but not as much as I did.

No, we know she was extremely drunk which in itself means she was not in a position to consent.

That isn’t what it says though. She may have just met the man in the club. The person who sent the video was a colleague although it isn’t clear whether it was OPs or partner’s colleague.

Fair enough I misread but the main point still stands, it's a big thing to come out and say, especially as so many people saw who it was etc.

It took me over a decade to admit I was raped. This is not unusual.

It completely destabilised my world view.

It is FAR easier to believe that you are a bad person (and in this case "slept with" someone), than that you are a vulnerable person.

Once you realise you are vulnerable (because female) the scale of the potential threat around you can feel utterly overwhelming.

I would strongly advice seeking professional support.

Yes it is. But mostly it’s a big thing for her to come to terms with and it may be that she hasn’t and mever will. And who can blame her given how sexual harm survivors are treated 😔

Yes absolutely FogLight it's the accepting it yourself, as well as being able to say it out loud.

I would strongly advice seeking professional support.

As would I.

OP do you think you can put the relationship question on hold for now and just support her as a human? Or does she have a close friend who can do that?

No one has to continue a relationship they aren't happy in and currently you don't know whether it's cheating or an assault.

If she was passing out and could barely talk she could not consent. Also, she said no.

id be fucking furious with the colleagues who filmed her vulnerable and let him lead her away.

It is rape.

If she 'woke up' and became aware of her surroundings mid-sex, please remember she may have had a freeze or fawn response, if she decided that gave her the best shot at not enduring further damage/ violence. Still not consensual.

She might have had an orgasm if her body reacted the way bodies can, even if in her head she did not want it. Still not consensual.

Still rape. But perhaps reasons why she feels she can't report it. Because our society is really fucked up when it comes to rape.

@FogLight
“No, we know she was extremely drunk which in itself means she was not in a position to consent”

No, that’s what we know she told her boyfriend. Lots of people who cheat blame it on being drunk, with the implication that it diminishes responsibility and/or makes them incapable of consent. Sometimes that is the case, sometimes it’s not.
What made me wonder about possible emotional coercion is her claim that she cannot live without him, given that they do not live together and have been going out for two years, which I understand is a long time when you’re young but still, not that long.
Did OP notice a change in her mood or manner after this event occurred? How long was it between the event and it being revealed to OP? Who was it who took the video and why did they send it to OP? Are the people she went to the venue with friends, or possibly unsympathetic coworkers?
Taken at face value what the girlfriend says means she was very clearly and unambiguously raped. Whether it is to be taken at face value is something the OP needs to work out and act on accordingly.

I am a bit uncomfortable debating someone's possible assault without her consent. What if she comes on for support. What if it's picked up?

Feels very wrong.

Having read op posts its clear that the passed out drunk analysis come solely from the gf.

if true she was raped but she maybe lying through to cover her back side having realised she’s been caught on video.

the op certainly has no no idea what happened so there is absolutely no fucking chance in hell anyone here does either.

all anyone can actually say is she might have been raped or she might not.

op - sadly you’ll never know one way or another I’m afraid so it’s simply a judgement call on whether you believe her or not

Fucking hell, what happened to 'we believe you'?

The number of PPs happy to dismiss her account of being fallen down drunk as being a smokescreen for infidelity is astounding. Do you all work for the Met?

It’s making me feel super uncomfortable too. You can see why far too many of us stay silent.
I too was blamed with my friend decided to have sex with me when I was black out drunk, it was my fault apparently for getting so wasted.
I was unconscious so didn’t consent and only realised what had happened when I went to the toilet and there was blood/ I had a few flashbacks of waking up wondering what was happening.

op, I can’t answer on behalf of whether you want to stay with your girlfriend or not but you both need to put that aside and work out whether this needs reporting to the police.

I didn’t report what my friend did to me, but I look back now and wish I did. These men are vile.

No it was evident in the video.

@BoDerek
”No it was evident in the video.”

Why not just read the OP’s posts? Having reread them myself I realise some of the queries I made were actually answered in the OP itself, and tbh having made various speculative comments myself I’m now agreeing with @MrsTerryPratchett that they, and others similar, are really not good at all.
Personally I think it’s better to concentrate on the OPs original question, and tbh there is so much going on that getting a comprehensive, coherent answer from mumsnet randos is impossible.

I did. Why not calm down and stop pretending to be the thread police?

@BoDerek So you’ve seen the video? No, I thought not. So better to read the OP’s posts for the information available.

This is the OP's second post:

she was almost passed out drunk. She blacked out for bits of it, and said she definitely said no at the start. He insisted he went home with her and got into her taxi as she was taking herself home.

Zero ambiguity there, and if that's not a description of rape, then I don't know what is. Does she need to have been dragged down a dark alley with a knife?

^Did OP notice a change in her mood or manner after this event occurred?^

You're basically asking the OP whether a rape victim behaved like she was 'meant to'.

Appalling.

That’s not apropos of the video though. Better to actually read the OP’s posts for the information, rather than filling in bits with your imagination.

You are right, but as I said in a previous post, that question, along with another, were based on my own insufficient reading of the OP and I retract them.

What on earth are you talking about? I am literally quoting the OP.

My
main concern is also consent given your post

if she isn’t usually a cheater , if you have had no concerns to date there is a possibility she was taken advantage of

I’m not making excuses because she’s female
but it happens sadly

only you know her and can assess this

@Palmfrond

Better to actually read the OP’s posts for the information, rather than filling in bits with your imagination.

Eh? They did one better than read the OP's posts, they quoted them. So why are you saying they've just used their imagination?! They've done the opposite.