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Original poster

Would you forgive her for cheating/one night stand?

105 replies

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 16:39

My girlfriend of two years has admitted to cheating on me. She went on a work night out in another city, that ended up in a nightclub. There she got absolutely wasted, to the point she could barely talk.

I was sent a video by a work colleague, of her dancing with a man in the club. So I confronted her when she came , and she admitted to it. And was very apologetic. She admitted to still being drunk when we had this conversation, as she had just got the train back to see me. She denied having done anything else.

Later that day, when I pushed for more info, she burst into tears and admitted to having had sex with him. She was very very apologetic, and said how scared she was of losing me. I feel like someone has taken a bite out of me. I just randomly want to cry.

I have agreed to try and forgive, but under the express term that if this ever happens again, she is out. We were even talking about moving in together, but now I don't know what to do. I still love her, but not as much as I did.

OP posts:
AnotherAnxiousMess · 08/05/2022 18:06

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 17:48

My girlfriend is distraught, and has admitted feeling suicidal after this. She said she wouldn't know how to live without me.

Tell her to fuck off with the emotional blackmail. You're not the one who owes anyone anything here.

You can take time away from her if that's what you need.

Why would she hide the fact it wasn't consensual? Surely you'd be more likely to stay with her if it was rape that if she chose to cheat. I don't understand that logic.

Seriously!? There are a hundred reasons a person wouldn’t want to admit they were raped. And if she flat out said NO then that is not consensual sex. Even if it was consensual sex, she could have just lied and said she didn’t have sex with him.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2022 18:06

itsmeagainlol · 08/05/2022 18:05

I think she put herself in a vulnerable position and someone took advantage of it and had non consensual sex with her, which is rape.

Does she know who this man was? Does she work with him?

If she had been sober and this had happened I would not forgive because it would have been a deliberate act, but I think she was a victim here.
Disgusting that her friends did not help her, but if she can face it she should report it to the police. Sometimes that is worse than the rape. Failing that she needs an STD test and some support to process what happened. She also needs to put in a strategy where she doesn't put herself in harms way again. It's so easy to say the only one committing a crime here was the other man, which is true, but she also needs to learn by this.
I would forgive her. Maybe have some joint counselling so that you don't brood on it and that helps her with what happened. She needs support now.

What the OP is describing is rape. There is nothing for him to 'forgive' her for.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 18:07

@AnotherAnxiousMess I haven't suggested otherwise. In fact, if you see my earlier post I've said almost exactly the same as you.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 08/05/2022 18:24

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 18:07

@AnotherAnxiousMess I haven't suggested otherwise. In fact, if you see my earlier post I've said almost exactly the same as you.

Sorry I hadn’t read your earlier post. But if she has been raped, as her partner, he should be supporting her, not breaking up when she needs him most… that would be punishment for something out of her control.

KevinTheKoala · 08/05/2022 18:34

Some of the replies on this thread are ridiculously vile and I sincerely hope some of you don't have daughters! (Or sons this may happen too either but let's be honest, sexual violence happens to women more often). If she was black out drunk then she was in no state to consent, it clearly sounds like she was coerced/raped and the shame that comes with that - especially if you were drunk and if there is any question at all to whether you were to blame (she wasn't! But it is how alot of rape victims feel) makes you want to bury it away and pretend it never happened. The law is very clear if someone is drunk they cannot consent. She needs support not judgement, although it might also be a wake up call to monitor how much she is drinking (not that she should never drink again - alcohol doesn't cause rape, rapists do!)

itsmeagainlol · 08/05/2022 18:35

@thedancingbear I'm simply replying to his threat title, where he asks this question.

My entire reply was supportive of both of them, which is more than many other posts. so please cut out the nitpicking.

billy1966 · 08/05/2022 18:43

That sounds like rape to me.

Obviously this is upsetting for you initially because of the thought that she was unfaithful, but it reads like this is actually far bigger and far more serious than that.

I would be very concerned for your very vulnerable girlfriend and how she is feeling.

How utterly terrifying to think your body was used and you have no idea what occurred.

Rape support services could be very helpful here.

It would be a very good idea to get any video from friends.

He is scum and needs reporting.

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 18:51

thedancingbear · 08/05/2022 18:05

Are you serious? She was raped.

OP, your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. You need to support her through this, not post on women's forums about whether you should dump her.

Show quote history

Yes I am serious. She might not be telling the truth. She might just be a manipulative cheater. I don’t know. Nor do you.

Eddiesferret · 08/05/2022 18:55

The6thQueen · 08/05/2022 16:52

This is not the best forum to ask this question - mumsnet is just a little biased when it comes to infidelity.
My husband had an affair last year. I forgave and chose to start together. Our relationship is not, and cannot, be what it once was. However, it is our relationship, we know what we both want and we are both happy. Others can judge, or say they would behave a different way and they might do if they were in the situation.
This is your relationship, only you and your girlfriend can decide what you want. You don’t need to make that decision now, or even next week. You take it one day at a time, give yourself time to process and grieve and then make the decision that is best for you.
Only you know you and her and your relationship.

Great thoughtful post.

A bit different to the homogeneous mob who seem to think that anyone who forgives infidelity is 'weak'. I believe like you that it is nuanced . Relationships are not easy. They are individual to each couple . Therefore the idiotic habit of trotting out maxims like 'once a cheat always a cheat' are just lazy thinking.

If YOU want to forgive OP then forgive. My advice personally is that everyone is allowed one mistake.

Two is a habit (then for me it's over. )

FogLight · 08/05/2022 18:57

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 18:51

Yes I am serious. She might not be telling the truth. She might just be a manipulative cheater. I don’t know. Nor do you.

Show quote history

Except that there is video evidence of her being extremely drunk.And she has not used the word rape, she has “admitted” to being unfaithful. It really does sound as though she has been assaulted and her head is a mess, that she just feels shame and repulsion, all very normal for rape survivors.

Be careful with your words. It is easy to make snap judgements but there are two people here who are feeling very hurt.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 08/05/2022 18:59

Move on. Find another girlfriend who would truly love and respect you.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 08/05/2022 19:01

Oh I missed the later update. If she was really not conscious, then you should support her to report it.

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/05/2022 19:06

Her colleague filmed her and sent it to you?

Was that to show you that she was ‘misbehaving’ or because they thought she was unsafe?

Do you know the colleague well?

Does your partner often drink this much?

Marineboy67 · 08/05/2022 19:10

Well I'd be sending her packing...your not married got no kids and she let another man put his penis in her! Yes if hurts but I couldn't live with it. As others have said once the trusts gone that's it. Don't have make up sex with her, if you have get an STI test done.

cushioncovers · 08/05/2022 19:14

Nope dump her and move on. Sorry you're going through this op.

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 19:16

FogLight · 08/05/2022 18:57

Except that there is video evidence of her being extremely drunk.And she has not used the word rape, she has “admitted” to being unfaithful. It really does sound as though she has been assaulted and her head is a mess, that she just feels shame and repulsion, all very normal for rape survivors.

Be careful with your words. It is easy to make snap judgements but there are two people here who are feeling very hurt.

Show quote history

Okay, but as far as we know it’s just a video of her dancing with a man. It seems as though all additional information was provided by her. If she’s telling the truth, she was raped, the rapist will be easily identified and hopefully she will have the courage to go to the police and stop this happening to someone else.
What sounds suspect to me is the last post by OP, where there is a slightly incoherent message about not wanting to admit it was not consensual, which I understand does not necessarily mean anything other than the gf processing what happened to her, but more so her saying she can’t live without him. They’ve been together two years and don’t live together. Seems like emotional leverage.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/05/2022 19:17

Her colleague sent you the video because it’s not the first time she’s done this. If it’s not you’ve got a rapist on film.

Men caught cheating do the whole I was really drunk and now I’m suicidal at the thought of losing you too.

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 19:22

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/05/2022 19:17

Her colleague sent you the video because it’s not the first time she’s done this. If it’s not you’ve got a rapist on film.

Men caught cheating do the whole I was really drunk and now I’m suicidal at the thought of losing you too.

That’s a really ugly thing to say (about the video) but has the ring of truth about it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/05/2022 19:35

Well yes because most of us wouldn’t video it, if a friend of mine had acted out of character you’d intervene, not film it and send it to their partner.

Seaside2022 · 08/05/2022 20:14

Hi, posting from a different perspective. I was the gf who cheated. It was 18 months into an amazing relationship with a bf who I loved completely. It was a work do, I was very drunk but that wasn’t a reason. It took a while to figure out but I had a lot going on emotionally and I had a tendency to self destruct and not believe I deserved anything good in my life. None of these things justify cheating but they were reasons. I nearly destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to me for something I deeply deeply regretted doing. I was very lucky that my bf forgave me and I worked really hard to change those destructive patterns because he did not deserve that. Neither did I. It paid off. We’ve been together 13 years and have 3 children. We couldn’t be closer or love each more and I have never betrayed his trust again.

Understanding around consent is fairly new. We all grew up with boys/men who never asked for consent. A lot of women I speak to don’t realise that them saying no and not being listened to is rape. Also, the fact that if you’re as drunk as she said she was, she isn’t able to give consent. She was taken advantage of, at the very least, but her guilt, regret and social conditioning may not be allowing her to see that clearly.

I would say her regret and the fact she’s told you straight away are positives. But really, you need to take sometime to think about whether you can truly forgive her. Because if you can’t it’s not fair to continue. That will take time. She also needs to figure out what happened, for her emotionally - why did she get that drunk, is there something going on for her? Or physically - was she raped, did she have her drink spiked? Because it can’t just be ‘I got drunk’ people get drunk all the time and don’t cheat.

Winterflower84 · 08/05/2022 20:20

Do you have no dignity? Dump her.

DidYeEye · 08/05/2022 20:32

Who is the colleague to you?

Aside from what's been addressed here, what reason did they have to video and send it to you, and why did they not think to help her? That's shady as hell.

user1471457751 · 08/05/2022 20:36

@Marineboy67 except if she were raped then no, she did not let another man put his penis inside her. FFS this thread is full of examples of why women don't report rape.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 08/05/2022 20:51

Its very common in these situations for the victim to blame themselves. They got too drunk, they weren't forceful enough saying no, they don't remember what happened. Far easier to say to yourself you made a silly mistake, than to admit you were raped.

Scabbyknackers · 08/05/2022 21:16

If she was raped, then saying so is very significant given that the man is known to you and works with her hence in her position I would be wary about confirming it. Because what next? If she chooses not to report but word gets out thst she has made the accusation then her reputation could be destroyed. She doesn't know how would you act around him or the other colleagues. It is a very big consideration to accuse a specific person of rape especially if they're close to you. Once you do, things are out of your control.